Author’s note: There were the usual levels of elevated hysteria about paedophiles lurking on every corner. I started to write this – but as is obvious from the final line, never finished it.
The Police confirmed today that they were finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the tide of youthful perverts luring older men into chat rooms and grooming them for illicit liaisons, foreign holidays and unlimited mobile phone top up vouchers.
The Brains Trust spoke to Karen Hart, a twelve-year-old schoolgirl from Hampton who regularly poses as a bored 32 year old housewife. Miss Hart explained that she had used internet chat-rooms to secure several luxury trips abroad. Her technique was to target older men “preferably geeky losers with an interest in Star Wars or Lord of the Rings and an IQ of around 35” and, using her pseudonym Oldlita, to engage them in conversation, highlighting her loneliness, sexual frustration and keenness on speaking Klingon. “I learned that ‘Gruddle-al Thurg’ means ‘Take me you bespectacled, bearded love God’ and that’s usually enough to get them hooked,” she explained
At this point, Miss Hart arranges to run away together to a suitable foreign destination. “I took the last one to Mustique. I told him they were holding a Star Trek convention, with a guest appearance by Leonard Nimoy and a full mock up of the deck of the Enterprise. You couldn’t get him there quick enough, although having to travel with someone dressed from head to toe as ‘The Salt Vampire of M-113’ was a bit embarrassing.”
According to Miss Hart, most of her victims are usually too excited at talking to a girl for the first time to become too suspicious about her real age. However, on arrival at her chosen destination she reveals her true age and how she may have inadvertently let slip to the News of the World that she may be travelling abroad with an older man who was “gagging for it.” “When I tell them I’m twelve, they can’t get rid of me quick enough,” said Miss Hart. “They usually pay me a load of cash to leave them alone and that gives me some decent spending money for the holiday. And the last three committed suicide, too, which means I could cash in their airline tickets. Fantastic”
Derek Gadd, 56 year old author of the Lonely Pervert travel guides, was outraged by the tactics of the twelve year olds. “It’s getting so you can’t trust anyone nowadays,” he fulminated. “My internet guides show the best places for the older single man to get a bit of nookie, especially with younger ladies. For example, my Russian Brides supplement was massively successful and topped the Solihull most popular website list for several days. But how on Earth can a man be confident that he’s not going to end up on the front page of the Sunday Tabloids if these brazen harlots are luring the lonely and celibate with the promise of unlimited sex and free science fiction festivals?
I’ve run out of words. Help
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 