Author’s note: Lucy Kellaway is now a teacher.
The British Government has confirmed today that after the successful trial of its “avoiding difficult questions by bursting into song” strategy it will now be implementing a totally new form of musical democracy.
At the launch of the new initiative, Alastair Campbell the new Government Songsperson, accompanied by several members of the Civil Service press team in a close harmony barbershop quartet answered questions about whether he would be staying in his job by singing “I will survive.” He then referred to the questioner, Lucy Kellaway of the Financial Times as a “Devil Woman, with evil on her mind”
As the surprised looking press pack continued to be serenaded by a medley of popular hits, Mr Campbell was able to confirm that he was confident the Prime Minister would remain in his job until he was 64, that Love would not tear him and Gordon Brown apart and that Alastair Darling’s new transport policy was “Bootylicious”
Under the new form of democracy, debates and questions in the Houses of Parliament can only by sung and that questioners deemed to be “out of tune, of indifferent tempo or generally a bit rubbish” by the “wholly impartial” speaker of the House will be ruled out of order. Within the Commons, show tunes and popular music will be acceptable whereas within the Lords only opera or any of the works of Richard Wagner will be approved.
The Conservatives have issued a furious rebuttal of the Government’s new policy, however. Oliver Letwin, the Shadow Home Secretary, has claimed the Government is terrified of Iain Duncan Smith’s “deep and gravelly baritone, which is ideal for poetry and prose recitals. He is especially good at soliloquies.” However, Labour has responded by claiming that the Conservatives are only complaining because “none of their front bench can hold a tune and Michael Howard sounds like a bloody fishwife being assaulted by a particularly noisy dolphin”
The Liberal Democrats have already tabled an amendment to the new laws demanding that all questions must also accompanied by a “relevant and appropriate dance.” The leader of the Liberal Democrats, Charles Kennedy, is well known as a keen ballroom dancer and possesses every Michael Flatley video, and the director’s cut DVD of Riverdance. Mr. Kennedy demonstrated the new amendment by deftly pirouetting across the Speaker’s chair and then dancing a hornpipe to illustrate the Government’s lack of funding for the Royal Navy.
Independent MP Derek Gadd, a member of the Oswestry Gogol Absurdist Theatre, dressed as a hippopotamus disguised as Batman, to illustrate the plight of residents beneath the Heathrow flight path also tabled a further amendment, but unfortunately ran out of time before Mr. Blair could guess the second word, third syllable that Mr Gadd was frantically miming.
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