Author’s note: Iain Duncan Smith continued to have absolutely no impact on eith the Tories, the government or the media
An Englishman has made a miraculous recovery from “the deepest coma the world has known”. Iain Duncan Smith, has laid asleep on the front benches of the House of Commons for almost twenty years, but has recently awakened and is having to contend with a totally changed world.
Mr Duncan Smith fell into the coma after an accident involving his party leader and maternal icon, Margaret Thatcher. After Mrs. Thatcher’s reign came to a sudden and brutal close, Mr. Duncan Smith was unable to accept the reality of the end and fell into a deep sleep.
From this point, Mr. Duncan Smith spent the majority of his time slumbering gently on a sunny spot on the front benches. However, as a somnambulant who also talks in his sleep, Mr. Dunacn Smith was able to continue with his career as a political no-hoper, with no noticeable difference to his prospects.
Mr. Dunacn Smith also exhibited a rare form of contagious narcolepsy, whereby anyone to whom he spoke immediately fell into a deep sleep as well. This decimated the Tory front bench leaving only a collection of slumbering spokespersons, who would occasionally cry out during nightmares about European superstates, losing the Pound and hordes of immigrant darkies. Only a very few Tories were able to escape the malign affects of Mr. Duncan Smith’s affliction including Ken Clark who had become deaf after years of listening to Jazz and Michael Heseltine who has never listened to anyone else in his life and was thus unaware that Mr. Duncan Smith was talking to him.
The miraculous recovery of Mr. Duncan Smith is thought to have come about after extreme shock therapy, whereby he was confronted with a Gallup poll that indicated that the Tories might win the next election, provided no one else enters. After a series of rapid jolts, Mr. Duncan Smith was seen to leap to his feet during Prime Minister’s question time and demand an apology from the Prime Minister.
“If Mr. Major wishes to lead this party into Europe, he will find many in his party will not follow,” he bellowed, before looking confusedly round the chamber. After a hasty briefing from a concerned onlooker, Mr Duncan Smith continued, demanding an apology from the Prime Minister for lying about briefing him on a report on Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction. “How could he have briefed me, I was sound asleep? Anyway, are you sure you’re the Prime Minister, sonny? You look a bit young to me.”
Doctors predict that Mr. Duncan Smith will remain severely disabled for the rest of his career. “He will continue to be lame for the remaining part of his life,” explained top neuro-surgeon Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush. “It is also likely that he will not enjoy a high quality of life. Still, with proper care and sympathy from the Government he can expect to last a couple more years before finally being laid to rest.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 