Author’s note. There was a fatal railway crash. Everybody overreacted.
The Government today confirmed that it would be prosecuting those responsible for the recent fatal crash involving a public service vehicle and would be immediately implementing a set closures, inspections and repairs which is likely to lead to Britain facing major disruption to travel as the whole country is checked for defective lights, cracks and unsafe junctions.
The crash, which occurred on the M56 motorway, involved several cars and a bus. Whilst evidence is still sketchy, there is speculation that the crash was caused by a break or “pothole” in the surface of the piece of track the vehicle was travelling on. Despite a recent inspection, and repairs using the latest bitumen-gravel complex applied using state of the art blowtorch technology, tiny cracks still formed, eventually merging to produce the “pothole”. The crash occurred when a vehicle hit the pothole at speed damaging the front wheel’s protective rubber casing, causing the driver to brake suddenly. Unfortunately his old model car had not been fitted with the latest “ABS” braking system which, combined with the drivers inexperience caused it to slide sideways into the central reservation resulting in the death of seven travellers.
The deaths caused outrage in the national media leading to calls for the resignation of Tony Blair, Alistair Darling and the Michelin Man. The government promised a measured and thoughtful response with no knee jerk reactions and immediately announced that the entire national road network will be shutdown as teams of experts scour every kilometre the length and breadth of Britain repairing similar faults. Pressure is also mounting for the recall of older, substandard vehicles from daily use as previous investigations have revealed that while an experienced driver in an modern vehicle can be regarded as reasonably safe many older cars and younger drivers are, potentially, lethal.
According to a Government spokesman, the most likely causes of the crash are sabotage, badly trained maintenance operatives and the fact that it was “a bit foggy” when the accident occurred. However, the Police have also been interviewing the driver of the vehicle, Mr. Derek Gadd of Oswestry. Witnesses who observed Mr. Gadd shortly before the crash claimed that he appeared to conducting an animated conversation on his mobile ‘phone, whilst selecting a cassette and attempting to unwrap a Nuttall’s Mintoe. Mr. Gadd has reportedly claimed that he was fully in control of the vehicle and the crash was probably caused by “evil Al Qaeda saboteurs or his ex-wife Carol.”
The Government however is pressing ahead with further safety measures by nationalising all road maintenance companies and private motor vehicles. It is expected to go on to announce legislation taking all bicycles, skateboards and horses into public ownership. When asked whether such measures would really improve road safety, Alastair Darling the Transport Minister commented, “I certainly bloody hope so. These dangerous drivers should have more consideration for the victims and their families, I mean there are hundreds of us stuck here in this bloody traffic jam”.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 