Author’s note: I was rather pleased with this. But then a reader declared it “funny and original. Unfortunately the parts that are funny aren’t original and the parts that are original aren’t funny”. A number of other readers then laid in, comparing it to an obscure Not the Nine O’Clock News sketch. Bastards.
Jeb Bush, the Governor of Texas, announced plans today to introduce new “post birth termination procedures” for “criminals, communists, homosexuals and any other evil doers who pollute our glorious state”
The plans follow on from the controversial decision to execute Paul Hill the anti-abortion protestor who shot two people dead at an abortion clinic in 1994. Mr Bush has now issued a statement explaining that Mr. Hill’s death was not an “execution” but was in fact a new clinical procedure which was being introduced to deal with “unwanted post-pregnancy embryos.” Mr Bush declined to refer to these as “adults” or “human beings” because “although they bear a superficial resemblance to human beings, they are actually scum sucking criminals with no more right to live on God’s green Earth than a rabid rat”
The introduction of the new policy of “very late stage abortion” has already caused controversy and confusion. Anti-abortion group, “God loves everyone* (*some exceptions apply)”, has issued two statements simultaneously condemning the practice of abortion but welcoming the new “life termination procedures” for criminals. Conversely, Karen Hart, press officer for the pro-choice group “Freedom to Fuck”, issued a statement welcoming the extension of abortion rights but vigorously condemning the use of the death penalty. As the two bitterly opposed groups found themselves vigorously agreeing and disagreeing with one another, an “unutterably satisfied” Mr Bush was able to declare the new policy a success and announce the further changes to abortion laws.
Under these changes, the state of Texas will ban early-stage abortions but introduce a new practice of “pre-emptive execution”. By using the “finest information analysis money can buy” state officials will analyse the demographics of all pregnant women, identify those who are bearing likely criminals and execute the “proto-criminals” before they can do any harm. Although, the precise definitions still have to be finalised, Mr. Bush thought it likely that pregnant women who were “black, unemployed or showed a worrying tendency to vote Democrat” were likely to find their “undoubted criminal offspring” executed. Once again, Mr Bush found his policy being simultaneously damned and applauded. A particularly bemused anti-abortion spokesman Reverend Kevin Buffle found himself condemning Mr Bush as a “child murdering son of Satan” whilst praising his “God like beneficence for his support for the death penalty”
Following on from the success of these new policies in wrong-footing his opponents, it is believed that Mr Bush is likely to issue several more laws concerning new clinical procedures. Plans have been mooted for Police officers to be reclassified as medical personnel, with nightsticks, electronic stun guns and firearms to be considered as surgical instruments. Police brutality will now be termed “post-surgical trauma” and unlimited incarceration without trial will be permitted under new-legislation reclassifying prisons as hospitals. The policy would also have a “wholly co-incidental” affect of immediately doubling Texas’ spending on healthcare, whilst simultaneously reducing its crime rate to “approximately 0”
Mr. Bush has denied that these plans are designed to pander to extreme right wing voters, whilst appearing to meet liberal voters’ demands, explaining that anyone who claimed they were would find themselves suddenly in urgent need of medical attention from “the State Medical Commissioner, Sergeant “Rocky” Rockson, and his team of 300 pound surgical assistants”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 