Author’s note: As we currently find ourselves in the 100th year of a Conservative government, we forget that the previous Labour administration was actually pretty tough on the wrong sort of immigrant (ie non-white ones).
David Blunkett, the Home Secretary, announced a new set of measures for dealing with recalcitrant immigrants, promising a policy that would be “tough on asylum seekers and tough on the families of asylum seekers.”
Mr Blunkett made the announcement to a packed press conference at Heathrow Airport. “This is a plan that will only be used for the most extreme of circumstances” claimed Mr Blunkett, grabbing the ear of a passing tourist’s child and twisting it, to demonstrate some of the persuasive techniques he intended to adopt. “Initially we shall seize the wife and children of any asylum seekers and imprison the children in a Perspex case above the Thames and refuse to feed them anything. We reckon they’ll be able to last for several weeks in these conditions although they may find the industrial scale barbeque and pig roast we are planning on setting up beneath it a lttle distracting. Of course we won’t be restricting their access to fluids and will allow them to drink their own urine. We’re not animals you know.”
Mr Blunkett continued by explaining that if the asylum seekers or “freeloading darkies” as he repeatedly referred to them, still refused the offer of a luxury, no-expense-spent, EasyJet flight and parachute to their home country “or somewhere fairly close”, the Government would have no choice but to take further measures. “We could certainly envisage some sort of poking of children with sharp sticks, or possibly some minor cigarette burns. But the plans are still in the consultative phase at the moment.”
It is also expected that Mr Blunkett will be looking into other measures. “I am not able to say precisely what these may entail for reasons of vital national security,” he intoned darkly. “However, we shall be looking into a camp similar to Guantanamo Bay, although ours will be situated on the Isle of Wight. There are many similarities between the two locations; the Isle of Wight is a protectorate of the UK, yet is a place which operates a totally separate way of life, that no one wants to visit and those who are there are desperate to get off.” The children would be held under 24 hour surveillance and would be denied access to any legal representation, although they would be represented in a military tribunal by Lance Corporal Kevin Trugg, of the Grenadier Guards. “Corporal Trugg has great experience in post banging, latrine emptying and ditch digging. So if he can’t dig this lot out of the shit, I don’t know who can,” joked Mr Blunkett. Mr Blunkett also refused to rule out torture and possible execution, although he was adamant that these would only be used “as a last resort. Literally.”
The Conservatives have condemned the measures as “outrageously harsh and uncaring – totally unlike us when we were in power.” “If I was still Home Secretary, I’d personally welcome each and every immigrant with a warm blanket and a lovely hot bowl of soup,” claimed Michael Howard, denying charges of shameless opportunism. “I’d then rush them to the nearest five-star hotel and treat them to a relaxing sauna and a new set of designer clothes. And have I mentioned my new policy to cut taxes, improve public services and give everyone a present at Christmas?”
Mr Blunkett dismissed the Tory policies as “softy, cotton wool, lambykin treatment for evil immigrants” before going on to challenge Mr Howard to a fight and announce further measures including “garrotting, anal insertion of red hot pokers and other traditional forms of encouragement. DVD copy of the ‘Good Old Days,’ anyone?”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 