Author’s note: A Daily Mirror journalist got a job at the Palace using false references and was promptly arrested. If they could do it, then surely the Brains Trust could manage it too.
The Brains Trust found itself at the centre of a national scandal after one of its reporters managed to infiltrate the security at Buckingham Palace and claim a job as a Royal Equerry.
Mustapha Al-Maquaab recently joined the Brains Trust staff after a spell as a foreign correspondent in the Middle East. Although a relatively unknown figure, Mr Al-Maquaab has worked as a war journalist in both Afghanistan and Iraq, managing to infiltrate both countries a long time before actual war broke out. He cuts a memorable figure, with a large selection of scars, an eye patch and hook replacing one hand, although he is reticent about his talents and refuses any interviews on his past, especially from the police or security services.
Editor in Chief of the Brains Trust, Carroll, explained that he had been particularly impressed with Mr Al-Maquaab’s knowledge of protocol and keenness to “get in and explore” the UK’s premier institutions and buildings. “He was always hanging around the Houses of Parliament, American Embassy and our major military installations. The moment I asked for volunteers for the Buckingham Palace job, his hook was straight up in the air,” confirmed Carroll. “I was a little concerned that he wouldn’t fit in at the Palace, what with his continual cries of ‘Death to the infidels!’ and fondness for plane spotting, but he insisted on going for an interview”
The position of Royal Equerry was advertised at the local Westminster Job Centre and in the journal “Palace & Servant Monthly.” Mr Al-Maquabb applied for the position and was immediately awarded an interview with Lord Lieutenant Charles Fortesque –Palmer. “I believe Lord Fortesque-Palmer was keen to fill the single ethnic minority slot that had been pending at the Palace for the last 5 years,” explained Carroll. The Palace performed the interview, eschewing the usual questions about relevant experience and security matters, instead concentrating on whether Mr Al-Maquabb “was a poofter who liked blabbing to the press.” The Palace did try to confirm Mr Al-Maquabb’s references with “M. Mouse, Disneyland, Paris” but were unable to find anyone who spoke French or Murine. They were similarly unable to contact “D. Dare, Venus” and so took this testimonial on trust, as “Captain Dare was a military hero”.
Once Mr. Al-Maquabb started his duties he immediately struck up a rapport with a number of members of the Royal household, reportedly telling one colleague, “With my war record, loathing of homosexuals and women and fondness for shooting, I have really hit it off with Prince Philip.” The plan was then for Mr Al-Maquabb to take photos of the interior of the Palace for the Brains Trust and record movements of members of the Royal family. However, he reportedly insisted on “really testing out the security” by attempting to secrete anthrax into the Corgis food and smuggle a loaded snub nose revolver into Palace. Carroll drew the line when it was discovered that Al-Maquabb had tried to take a small nuclear device disguised as an extra large tiara into work with him.
The Palace has launched an immediate investigation into security but has issued a statement claiming that it is “certain there won’t be any further lapses now we’ve employed our new heads of security Sam Husain and Oswald Binlander”
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