Author’s note: England won the rugby world cup and surely there was political capital to be made…
Tony Blair has denied accusations of “shameless populism” and defended his decision to appoint all 30 of the England squad to the cabinet on the basis of “vital electoral bandwagonism”
“I have selected them not because they are the most popular people in the country at the moment,” claimed Mr Blair from a stretcher outside Downing Street, this morning. “I have selected them because of their political experience – namely none. They are fresh keen minds ready to take on the complex political issues of the day and more importantly be bossed around by me. I’m the captain. I’m the coach. I’m the one who gives the orders round here. It’s a shame certain ex-Chancellors didn’t understand that. Nurse! Fetch me my Jonny Wilkinson Celebratory Drop Kick Oxygen Bottle.”
The effectiveness of the new Cabinet was demonstrated in an early Parliamentary debate following the Queens speech. As Michael Howard, the Leader of the Opposition, stood up to address his concerns regarding the Government’s legislative programme, the Cabinet started to shift uneasily on their seats. As Mr Howard continued, describing the proposals variously as “Nonsense, rubbish, pants” and “Something I’d be embarrassed if my arse had produced,” the Cabinet now formed around the rallying cry of Martin Johnson into a scrum and charged forward. A clearly surprised Mr. Howard, immediately started to re-consider, adding that “On reflection, it’s not that bad really. Actually, parts of it are pretty good. My word is that the time? I must hand over to the Leader of the Liberal-Democrats for his opinion.”
Charles Kennedy, then stood up, clutching a bottle of whisky and attempted to rouse the Liberal-Democratic front bench spokesman into a scrum to meet the rapidly approaching Cabinet. As Mr Kennedy encouraged an apparently terrified Menzies Campbell and Simon Hughes to form a ruck, explaining that he was right behind them – and a wall of another 15 Lib-Dem MP’s – he too started to have second thoughts as to the merits of the Government proposals. Commenting that he “hadn’t really had time to look at it” and “that he didn’t want to come to any hasty conclusions” he finished with an exhortation to his team to “get in there and fight” before excusing himself and disappearing into the Stranger’s Bar.
The new Cabinet have also been demonstrating its abilities on the world stage. As the new Foreign Secretary, Jonny Wilkinson, met with his European counterparts, he demonstrated the UK’s opinion of the new European Constitution by grabbing the draft from Romano Prodi and drop kicking it over the heads of the assembled dignitaries.
Conservative Party attempts to counter the new Government by employing members of the English Football team have met with less success, however. At the launch, the new Shadow Home Secretary, David Beckham, attempted to read from a prepared speech but after admitting that he knew very little about immigration policy, he launched an alternative policy on hair care products and soft drinks. However, at this point a fight erupted between other members of the shadow cabinet over “who should have first go in roasting Anne Widdecombe.”
Reports that the Liberal Democrats have attempted to replace their front bench with the members of the victorious Scottish Ladies Olympic Curling Team have been strenuously denied.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 