Author’s note: The europeans sent a space craft to Mars which promptly crashed, despite having music by Blur on it. No one could find it, which reminded me of something else no one could find…
Scientists have confirmed today that after a week of detailed exploration, they have “utterly failed” to detect the presence of weapons of mass destruction on the surface of the Red Planet.
The news follows on from the gloomy conclusion that the European landing craft “Beagle 2” has also been lost. “We assume this must be due to Martian terrorist activity,” explained Colin Pillinger, the lead European Scientist from the European Space Agency HQ in a small portacabin outside Rotterdam. “I can think of no other credible explanation. We spent hours in the control room whistling and shouting ‘Here Boy!’ into the microphone but there’s no sign of it.”
The search was initiated after top US intelligence reports revealed the likelihood of a hostile regime sheltering in the Martian lands. Although classified as “Top Secret”, it is believed that the sources of these reports are “highly credible” and stretch back over many decades. “The original report was produced in the UK as long ago as the start of the last century,” claimed a source who has seen the evidence. “It described in blood-curdling terms the destructive capabilities of the weapons and merciless way in which they were used. Subsequent information includes radio broadcasts and black and white film of the terrorist Martians gleefully using their weapons of mass destruction.”
A spokesman for the US Military was confident that evidence of weapons of mass destruction would be found soon. “We launched our mission to protect the people of Mars and defend freedom. We may never find the actual weapons, but we will find evidence of the weapons programmes. If we fail to find evidence of the programme, we will find evidence that there was evidence of the programme. And if we don’t find that, we’ll make sure we capture a Martian and put him on trial to keep everyone at Fox News happy”
Despite the bullishness of the military, some questions are now being asked after it was revealed that the US Mars Exploration Mission has actually discovered “the biggest oilfield in the Solar System” beneath the Martian surface. Further surprise was expressed when it was revealed that the US lander, Spirit, had been equipped with facilities to immediately begin drilling and extracting this oil “just in case,” as well as planting a large flag in the ground saying “Property of the United States.”
“We believe that we should always be prepared for any eventuality,” claimed the top US mission scientist, Karen Hart. “We just got lucky with randomly landing on top of a massive oil reserve and having the right equipment to exploit it. It was also very convenient that Halliburton just happened to have set up their Martian Sales Office next door to the site the week before, so we could get straight on with awarding contracts. Sheesh; how lucky is that?”
It does appear that the discovery of the oil fields may well prompt different relations with other leaders in the Solar System. George Bush confirmed that he would be reviewing the sanctions against Ming the Merciless on condition that he paid compensation for the “Columbia Shuttle Bombing”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 