Author’s note: I am always amazed that people are amazed at the poor quality of Government ministers. You effectively have to choose someone from a group of no more than 300 narcissists who have no discernible talents apart from a massive ego.
Following on from the successful launch of his new, reduced size shadow cabinet, Michael Howard, the leader of the Conservatives, confirmed today that he had implemented a further reduction in the number of personnel to “one supremely talented individual – namely me”
Mr. Howard was explaining that the Tories were now in desperate need of “big-hitters” to represent their new polices, adding “And you don’t get much bigger than me. No Siree.” Mr. Howard continued by announcing his new team of Shadow Cabinet Members, starting with “Shadow Chancellor, me. Shadow Foreign Secretary, me. Shadow Home Secretary and Education Secretary, both me. Shadow blaa-blaa-blaa every other bloody secretary, me, me and bloody well me”
Mr. Howard continued to announce several other new appointments including “Shadow Black Rod, me in tights. Shadow Speaker of the House of Commons, me with a Scottish accent and Shadow Lord Chief Justice – does that one still exist? Anyway, me in horsehair wig and lovely, lovely Ermine. Does this shade of red suit my eyes?” He also confirmed that he would be personally pushing forward a “middle of the road” policy by simultaneously adopting a Europhile and Eurosceptic agenda as well as representing both the liberal and conservative wings of the party.
One concession to ministerial numbers was made by Mr. Howard, however, when during the press conference he introduced his new Shadow Cabinet partner, a ventriloquist’s dummy called Margaret. Margaret would fulfill duties on behalf Mr. Howard at events he couldn’t attend “such as 1922 committee meetings, constituency functions and anything North of Kensington.” It was also confirmed that Margaret would provide a “public face” for the Conservatives, including attending all press interviews, “especially those with Jeremy Paxman.”
On being questioned about the fate of his former colleagues, Mr. Howard, who promised to “put the shadow back into the Shadow Cabinet”, conceded that there was a “wealth of talent” available to him and assured his fellow MP’s that he would consult with them all and take full account of their views “even though they are a bunch of hopeless losers who couldn’t win an election even if they were the only candidate and the only voter. And I’ll need a good laugh every so often, so I’ll make sure I keep Oliver Letwin’s number close to hand.” He also assured former cabinet members that he would not rake over past conflicts or hold grudges “even against that disloyal slapper May, that mad homunculus Widdecombe or that fat French-fucker Clark.”
Mr. Howard also implored the party to reach out to potential candidates assuring them that “there is a place for everyone in the new inclusive Conservatives – even limp wristed nancy-boys, ex-criminals and bogus asylum seekers. Just as long as they have pots of cash to donate to our fighting fund and don’t expect an invitation to the annual Christmas Dance at the Carlton Club. Just look at Michael Ashcroft and Greg Dyke. I mean we even had that loathsome proletarian Jim Davidson at our last conference”
As Mr. Howard prepared for his first Prime Minister’s question time by practicing a multiplicity of accents as well as demonstrating his ventriloquism skills with his new Shadow Cabinet partner, he assured fellow Tories that the party was in safe hands. “After all,” he quipped “We’ve spent the last three years being run by one wooden top with a speech impediment, so this has got to be an improvement”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 