Author’s note: Georgia, or at least the north part of it, was invaded by Russia in a move that presaged the annexation of the Crimea. Prior to that it was already tying itself in knots over elections. It seemed comedy gold that the US would confuse it.
The United States government has confirmed that it has launched an “all out invasion” of Georgia in an effort to ensure the installation of “democracy, justice and lovely, lovely peace”
The US is believed to be responding to the “crisis in democracy” that has afflicted Georgia in recent weeks. Speaking to the world’s press Colonel Hugo ‘HZH’ Hackenbush claimed that the use of force was essential to return the country to a democracy as quickly as possible. “We will be thanked by a grateful local population for liberating them from the yoke of an evil oppressor,” claimed the Colonel, furiously leafing through a Fodor’s Guide to Eastern Europe. “Does anyone know what the capital of this place is?”
Plans for the liberation of the country are still in the preliminary stages but Colonel Hackenbush outlined the high-level approach. “1) Carpet bomb all populated areas. 2) March in with large numbers of troops and artillery. NB Ensure you do not confuse matters by having people familiar with local customs, terrain, language or culture. 3) Install US citizen who has never been abroad as local leader. 4) Receive tumult of praise from grateful nation.”
When asked about the “democracy” part of the plan, Colonel Hackenbush hastily added “5) Install democracy. Eventually.” The colonel explained that his forces would also be seeking the rapid capture of the “evil dictator Shoveitarsey”. “Does this guy have a moustache, by the way? How about military fatigues? Palaces? What’s his video collection like?”
However, the former Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze is seeking to counter both local and US moves against him by petitioning the United States Supreme Court to declare him the winner of the recent election. “The Court’s willingness to resolve elections decisively without excessive hand-wringing over the validity of specific votes has been a beacon of inspiration to millions across the globe,” said Shevardnadze’s petition to the Court. “It would be disastrous if the so-called principle of majority rule were allowed to ride roughshod over the people’s will,” the petition continued. “We accordingly request the court to declare Mr. Shevardnadze the President of Georgia at its earliest convenience,” the petition concluded. Shevardnadze added a handwritten note at the end of the petition. “It would be great if you guys could get to this by the end of the week! Thanks — Ed,” the note read. “This is just one of those personal human touches that makes Eddie — we all call him Eddie — so lovable,” said a Shevardnadze spokesman.
Commentators are sceptical as to the likelihood of success of this approach. “The Supreme Court will be too busy upholding the indefinite imprisonment of foreigners to worry about this pipsqueak affair,” said Dr. Derek Gadd, Director of the Institute of Results-Oriented Justice at Pepperdine University.
In an unrelated move, President George Bush has just declared a state of emergency in the US state of Georgia and has urgently requested a “large selection of maps”
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