Author’s note. Israel and Palestine continued to grind away at each other and the Palestinians managing to fight amongst themselves as well as everyone else, with great success in establishing their homeland. Youthanasia. Oh dear

The Palestinian leadership announced today that it would be stepping up its campaign of suicide attacks by configuring the entire state of Palestine as “one bloody great enormous bomb”. The plan is seen as a last ditch attempt by the Palestinians to bring peace and stability to the region, as well a quelling its own dissenters, by “utterly destroying them all, as well our Israeli neighbours”

The plan, which is expected to bring “a quite literal peace” to the area, comes on the heels of recent increased activity by suicide bombers within Israel. The bombers are believed to be fanatical followers of Hamas and other extremist movements. Their plan is to bring peace by either slaughtering or driving out all unbelievers in the area. A spokesman for Hamas commented “Look it seems like a good plan to us. What’s with all this nonsense about negotiating? As Ariel Sharon said, ‘negotiating, schmgotiating’. Just because the only thing the suicide campaign has achieved so far is give the Israelis an excuse to occupy our territory and slaughter our people is an incidental issue. I’m telling you, we’ve got them worried. It’s only a matter of time before we succeed,” he yelled, as an Israeli tank rolled over his house.

Khalid al-Tafesh, a senior figure in Hamas agreed. “Just you wait. The Israelis won’t know what’s hit them. We’ll lure them all in here – you know promise them a big party or something. Then the entire Palestinian population will detonate themselves in a single ginormous explosion. This will guarantee the immediate destruction of Israel and creation of a Palestinian homeland – although there won’t be anyone left to live in it, unfortunately. The plan is an absolute doozy. We can’t fail,” he finished, stepping aside to allow the next section of the 40 foot partition wall to be lowered into his garden.

Middle East watcher and sociologist, Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush, commented on the suicide plan, “Certainly the recent actions of the Palestinians can only be explained by a people with a death wish. Who would believe that anyone other than suicidal madmen would think that launching your citizens into the midst of a comprehensively armed, highly territorial country to wipe out large numbers of innocent civilians would be a good way to achieve independence or statehood?”

However, Ariel Sharon gave the plan a cautious welcome, explaining “Well you’ve got to admire their enthusiasm. We wiped them out in Lebanon and they came back. We flattened Gaza and they popped up again. Then they came up with this ridiculous peace process nonsense and now they’ve come up with another humdinger. Still, we agree with a large part of this Palestinian endeavour – namely the part where they kill themselves. Indeed we have been trying to help them out in this for the last few months. We have already started on the young men who are most likely to become suicide bombers. We have enacted a policy called ‘Youthanasia’ whereby we pre-emptively help them to commit suicide whether they’ve expressed a desire to or not. We’ve also adopted a streamlined, fast-track process for these individuals which doesn’t require them to sign a form of consent so that we can get on with helping to die in the most humane and timely manner. Well, timely anyway.”

Author’s note: New Labour was now in full cohabitation with cool Britannia, and the death of the Queen Mother and the large amount of pomp that would go with her funeral seemed a rather unwelcome intrusion of tradition.

The Government today “absolutely denied” that it had sought to influence in any way the organisation of the Queen Mother’s funeral. At a press conference this morning, the Prime Minister’s official spokesman was faced with a barrage of questions from reporters, which he met with the “official Government response” of putting his fingers in his ears and repeating the words “La. La. La. I can’t hear you,” very loudly.

However the Brains Trust has managed to obtain a leaked copy of a Government commissioned report by media advisors Fuckwittery & Kant. The report points out that a funeral typically focuses on the “negative aspects of someone’s life – namely their death” and suggests “a less death-centric approach” may help instil a feeling of wellbeing that the government could then capitalise upon.

The report makes a number of suggestions as to how the “rather dreary old-style funerary arrangements could be bought into the 21st Century.” Firstly, it suggests the modernisation of several traditional features. A new coffin would be designed by Damian Hirst, based on his infamous “body suspended in a glass tank of formaldehyde” installations. A new funeral march would be commissioned from Damon Albarn and Fatboy Slim and the Band of the Blues and Royals would be replaced by “two decks and a bangin’ PA system”. Finally, the solemn procession to Westminster Abbey would be replaced with a march reflecting all parts of Britain’s multi-cultural society. “Rather than feature depressed relatives casting a gloom upon the whole proceedings, why not have happy school children, laughing and clapping in a variety of colourful costumes carrying large papier-mâché effigies of the good old Queen Mum and her best mate Tony?” the report asked.

Within the service itself, it was felt that the Prime Minister should adopt a more prominent role than that currently envisaged. A specially constructed podium would allow the Prime Minister “several vital inches” of height over his political opponents. Spotlights would be positioned to reflect off Iain Duncan Smith’s head, bathing the Prime Minister’s “good side” in a warm and religious light. In order that Mr. Blair should not be overshadowed by the “rather frumpy” Queen, he would be fitted out in a special “Kingly Style” outfit complete with a “discreet, tasteful and yet rather sparkly Crown”

It was also important that the Prime Minister should make a speech during the service celebrating the excellent achievements of the Government during the life of the Queen Mother. The speech, which would allow suitable “blub breaks”, should emphasise Mr. Blair’s role as the Queen Mother’s closest confidant, especially during times of family trouble, and how she frequently referred to him as the Father of the Nation. It should also tap into key parts of the nation’s psyche by reminding everyone how Mr. Blair had stood by the Queen Mother during the darkest times of the Blitz, the Suez crisis and the last Conservative government.

Mr. Blair himself was unavailable for comment and was reported to be seeing whether Asprey’s Royal Jewellers offered any refunds.

Author’s note: England beating Argentina at football was too good an opportunity to miss. Another very popular article.

The Falkland Islands has launched “total all-out bloody war” against Argentina it announced today. In a tersely worded statement the Government of the Falkland Islands said “The entire might of the Falkland’s armed forces are being hurled against the craven Argentinians and their sneaky fishing ways”

It is thought that the invasion has been prompted by the defeat of the ArgentineFootball team in the World Cup, which has led the Islanders to believe that a country already dazed by recession will be unable to repel a sustained attack. It is also felt that the Islanders regarded the invasion as a way of restoring pride after their own defeat in the “Small World” Cup. Denying this, Donald Lamont, the Governor of the Islands claimed that the territory could hold its head up high after being narrowly cheated of victory in a close fought game in which the Faroe Islands scraped a flukey 15-0 victory.

Mr. Lamont, wearing a full Admiral’s uniform and enormous ostrich plumed hat, was speaking from the helm of HMS Stuff-The-Argies, a vessel which appeared to be a hastily modified pedallo with “Property of the Serpentine” crossed out and a double barrelled shotgun strapped to the front. He also denied that the invasion should be seen in any way as retaliation for the Argentinean invasion in 1982. “This is purely a defensive measure to ensure the protection of our people as well as keep those filthy dagoes away from our fishing rights and oil fields. Anyway, Falklanders’ are a modest people and it is not in our nature to laud it over another’s misfortune”, he explained as he ran up the ships colours consisting of a giant St. George’s cross with “One-Nil” written across it.

Mr Lamont then formally launched the maritime force with the traditional command of “Pedal her out Captain. Steady as she goes.” Falkland’s Chief Executive Michael Blanch then went on to explain what weapons the Islands would be deploying. “Our scientists have worked night and day to develop an array of state of the art weaponry. Our genetically modified super sheep can devour an acre of grass in less than 1 minute thereby reducing the Argentinean Pampas to a half-decent cricket pitch. The Anti-Submarine Uber Penguin is trained to bung up a craft’s torpedo tubes with fish and the ‘Whirlybird Seagull’ delivers a devastating payload to the head. The Argies won’t stand a chance. We have also many other weapons up our sleeve, although we are disappointed that the United Nations have declared the launch of Jim Davidson into Buenos Aires as contrary to the Geneva Convention”

When asked whether any of the 2000 British armed forces stationed on the islands would be called up to fight, Mr. Blanch confirmed that “he hadn’t got round to asking them yet and was rather hoping they wouldn’t notice until the invasion was fully underway”. However, he confirmed he had informed Downing Street. “I have just spoken to the Prime Minister over a crackly telephone line. He appeared very excited by the news,” he explained. “Although it was difficult to make out his exact words, what with the static and all that shouting at the other end, I am certain that he congratulated us on our great endeavor. He also said how much he admired the Falkland’s Pluckiness – at least I think that’s what he said.”

Author’s note: I’m pretty sure this was never published. It seems somewhat ill advised and a little sexist now.

The Government confirmed today that research into car accidents had identified that the “vast majority” occurred whilst the driver was distracted in some way. Road hazards are said to include talking on mobile phones, singing along to car radios and ogling women at the side of the road with skimpy tops and large breasts – although, mysteriously, this only appears to affect male drivers, particularly those driving vans. However, the study has found the most lethal hazard – talking willy nilly to passengers – can be more dangerous than drink driving – even after just 6 pints.

It had previously been believed that car passengers took note of the surroundings and road conditions and were aware of the safety issues involved, thereby alerting a driver to oncoming danger. However, it appears that the majority of passengers and drivers, typically male and female partners, spend their entire time arguing about the speed of travel, the appropriateness of the hand signal just given to another driver and the map reading ability of the navigator. These frequently lead to conflict between driver and passenger. This conflict is often exacerbated if the parents of either partner are present in the back seat. Comments such as “Of course in my day men never swore at other drivers” or “Did I tell you his first girlfriend was at school with a Duchess, you know?” simply add to the tension.

The new laws being drafted will tackle these problems head on. It is believed that they will require all new cars for sale in Britain to contain a sound proofed cubicle surrounding the driver to prevent him or her from being distracted by the continual and sometimes intense chatter in the car. The laws also require appropriate phrases to be pumped into the cubicle at random points along the journey. They are intended to be a combination of alerts and road-rage reducing soothers. Initial phrases are believed to be:

“LOOK OUT”
“30 Miles an hour is the limit and not necessarily the recommended speed”
“It’s not a race you know”
“Ten-to-two or quarter to three. Not half-past six”
“I think we should have taken that last left turn”
“I don’t think that was a very good idea. He’s a lot bigger than you and he doesn’t look very pleased”

Pilot studies using London’s black cabs have already been a stunning success. Several cab drivers were unaware that the enthusiastic agreement of the passenger with his views on hanging, immigrants and football were actually computer-generated responses to certain key-words. Passengers are also delighted that usual cockney-banter is now replaced by a guided commentary of the sights of London recorded by Dame Judi Dench, although several Americans were reportedly surprised that their route required them to pass Buckingham Palace 15 times.

Punishments under the new law are still to be established but at present the Police are currently limited to placing the offending driver and passenger in opposite corners in the back of a Police van facing the wall with their fingers on their lips until they have learned their lesson. Police are urging a new “Driving whilst talking” law which will require those found guilty to have to drive round with their Mother-in-Law telling them why their son or daughter is too good for them without losing control of the vehicle in a 30 minute period.

Road safety campaigner Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush gave a cautious welcome to the proposals and promised to give a full statement “just as soon as he had dropped his wife’s Mother off”

Author’s note: The US and UK continued to make up evidence to justify the future invasion of Iraq and had started with some fairly questionable interrogation tactics.

The US has announced that it has prevented the “almost certain” mass destruction of all its major cities by the detonation of a radioactive device, mass invasion by cloned robots or a murderous plot involving someone with the code-name “Green Goblin”. The CIA confirmed that they had foiled a huge well-organised Al Qaeda plan by intercepting “a lot of top secret information that we have no intention of telling you about or putting before a court of law”.

George J Tenet, Director of Central Intelligence, explained that they had arrested “a definite criminal mastermind” in possession of all the apparatus needed to make a bomb – or at least several notes about it. Mr. Tenet went on to emphasise how close the terrorist was to causing mayhem. “This madman could have set this bomb off at any time. All he needed to do was take the sketchy and incomplete plans he had, construct an explosive device, obtain a large amount of radioactive material, find a safe way of packing it into a bomb without ionising himself and transport the device to one of the most securely guarded cities in the world. What could be simpler? The US Intelligence Services have leapt into action and kept the free world safe from terrorist threats. Or at the very least we’ve kept those bastards in Congress off my back for a couple of weeks.”

Mr. Tenet went on to deny that the arrest of the suspect had anything to do with countering the negative comment regarding their inability to prevent the September 11th atrocity or subsequently discover any Al Qaeda operatives in the US. “My people have worked night and day on how to identify terrorists. We have a programme whereby everyday in the office one of the administrative staff disguises themselves as a potential terrorist with an outfit consisting of a tea-towel, a false beard and bottle of ‘Bronzo’ tanning lotion. My guys have spotted them every time, although recently we’ve found it a bit difficult to persuade anyone else to be the ‘Mystery Terrorist’ after they shot the first three of them dead. Our agents have also been studying ‘Where’s Waldo’ books night and day and can pick that little stripy sucker out of a crowd in under 30 seconds.” He also explained how the intelligence services had been carefully monitoring the sale of cardboard cutters of the type used to hijack the planes on September 11th, especially to any wild-eyed, rag heads that have recently taken up plane spotting as a hobby.

Matters have however become complicated by the fact that the suspect, Abdullah al-Mujahir, is an Hispanic US citizen, formerly known as Jose Padilla. Contrary to normal law, he has been placed under custody by the CIA rather than the FBI, denying him the usual rights and privileges. Mr. Tenet explained that this was because Mr. Mujahir was “particularly evil. Just look at his photo for Chrissake”

When asked what evidence the CIA held against the man, Mr. Tenet confirmed that he had been found in possession of a large amount of information, much of it which appeared to have been downloaded from the internet. “This guy had been using some sort massive secret database known only as ‘Google’. I tell you, the things that are stored in there are terrifying. There are plans involving some guy named James Bond and a stash of nuclear weapons. There are several hair-raising schemes involving alien invasion and what appear to be a large number of training videos, one involving an Asian woman known as Sucki-Cocki who appears to show how to disable our armed forces by ‘fucking them to death'”.

Mr Tenet also confirmed that the CIA was still interviewing Mr. Mujahir and was confident that “the next six months in an interrogation cell with a couple of my farm boys and no access to any legal representation should help us tidy up any loose ends”

Matters have become further confused by the President announcing that anyone of Hispanic origin would now be treated as a potential terrorist, especially as “they’re kinda funny looking”. He also confirmed that he was adding Mexico to the nations within the Axis of Evil, gravely reminding his fellow Americans to “remember the Alamo”. Finally, he warned US citizens to be ever vigilant for the terrorist threat “After all, you all heard what George Tenet said. Everyone should be careful to watch out for this kind of dirty bum”

Author’s note: England was doing rather well in various sports tournaments, often by importing people from other countries and rebranding them as English. A brief article that made fun of that.

As England hails its new success in sports, the Brains Trust interviewed key figures in transforming English sport from worst to first. In a sight to warm the heart of any patriotic soul, the Brains Trust had gathered together some of our most famous national sons to share the secrets of their success.

True blue Englishman Sven Goran Ericsson commented “Gor lumme guvnor, strike a light, pass me that jar of Gravadlax – I mean jeelied eels. Let’s have a good old cockney sing-a-long, eh? Roll out the barrell!”. As Tord Grip, the England football manager’s number two, joined in for a traditional English knees up, we spoke to England cricket coach Duncan Fletcher “Eh oop, gradley. Can’st thee hold on t’me whippet lad. I’ve just got wash coal dust off ‘ands from t’pit. Nowt like ‘ard days graft at coal face to make a man understand the finer points of spin bowling and the precise psychological strategy in teamwork”. Lennox Lewis, the soft-spoken Englishman with his familiar west-country burr agreed, “Ooh aar. Aye reckon we be doin’ arlrite what with hay-making underway and ye old gruntfuttocks gambolling in the meadows, ain’t that right me old beauty? Drop of cider, anyone?”

The Government also joined in the adulation of English sporting heroes, with David Blunkett taking time out from visiting the new immigration facilities at Dover to praise the sportsmen’s success. Mr. Blunkett also went on to explain how the Government would be implementing new asylum criteria. “It is important to employ fair measures that show that an immigrant is really in fear of his or her life. As such, we will be using this 100 metre running track so that they can demonstrate how fast they had to run away from their tormentors. And this high jump will provide a useful simulation of how they managed to scale the walls of their prisons.”

Author’s note: Many years ago, Danny Baker wrote a review of an album by Imagination. Except it wasn’t – it was a long diatribe on how hot it was in the NME office. I adopted a similar idea. Everyone liked it (probably because I carefully name checked all of us), but Tom decided it was unpublishable. The names are all the pseudonyms of our authors – can you spot the son of a famous author?

God it’s hot. I can’t believe Pullman broke the air conditioning. I told him filling it up with ice wouldn’t make it work better. It’s like that time he insisted on taking the hard disc out of the server and giving it a good shake to loosen up the data and make it go faster. Oh shit, Delano’s coming over here. Oh no he’s not, he’s stopped by the water cooler. He’s still got that little Korean chap following him around. He insists he’s his editorial apprentice? Who’s he trying to kid? He’s the only apprentice I’ve ever heard of that sleeps on top of the wardrobe. Oh God he’s giving me that Korean smile again. At least, I think he’s smiling. He just kind of bares his teeth every so often. And I can’t understand a word he says. Delano says he can and pretends he can speak Korean but when he asked him to proof read the last issue, Ng just gave him a strange look and went and put it in the toaster. God, I can’t believe it’s so hot. Oh Christ, Delano really is coming over here now and he’s got Carroll with him. I better look as though I’m typing something. Eojqlkedfj adlk nlk cadnma cnnas dcmsd cnlka sd jhcnlkj asdcnj a sdcnb jascnb jascxnb jasdc nbkjas dcbn.

That was a close one. They started arguing before they got to my desk. Carroll didn’t see that Korean chap getting ready to bite his ankles. It’s lucky he was holding that pair of scissors. Still, it took a couple of good jabs to get him to loosen his grip, though. No wonder his teeth are in such good nick. Oh God, Hammerton’s scratching his arse again. And now he’s picking his nose. I don’t know why he doesn’t just use his underpants as a handkerchief. What’s this article supposed to be about? Public-private partnerships? Who the fuck wants to read about public-private partnerships? They always give me the boring ones. They’re only jealous cos I got that mention in the Guardian. Oh and look at Mr. Lah-di-dah aren’t I clever I’ve got a girlfriend with a Cambridge degree Reinold. He is such a crawler. He always gets Carroll and Delano a donut from the shop. And he pretends to laugh at their jokes. Still he needs to with the crap he comes up with. And he always stinks out the cubicle on Monday morning. I don’t know why they don’t replace the air freshener in there. Too fucking stingy as usual. I wonder if I move my screen a bit this way whether I can surf the net without them seeing. Oh wow, that girl in the office next door is standing by the window again. What did the security guard say she was called? Tiffany? I’ll try smiling at her and see what she does. Well, charming I must say. It was only a smile, she didn’t need to be quite so energetic with that finger.

I better think of a title for this. Look at the time. The pub’ll be open in half-an-hour. How about “PPP too alliterative for Prescott”. Nah crap. “PPP is utter bollocks claims report”. God, even worse. I bet if I think up a really good title they wont bother reading the article. Like “Railways reclassified as weapons of mass destruction.” Great title and Delano didn’t notice that bit about him and his sister until that crawler Froman pointed it out. Oh bugger, here come the yanks back from their power coffee break. Look at Seycley’s head. Having hair that doesn’t move can’t be natural. And God knows how anyone persuaded Meg that shoulder pads were back in. She probably got them off that American Football team she was knocking off. Why are they so fucking loud? And what does realigning our strategic direction to encompass multiple media streams mean? Maybe that Korean could translate it. How about “Prime Minister shocked by credit card balance – Byers denies railtrack bailout”. Bit long. Maybe if I just put something irrelevant but with some buzzwords. “Al Qaeda denies railtrack buy-out – ‘We have some scruples’ claims spokesman”. Oh fuck it I’ll just go with “Shock report reports shock findings shock” and see what happens.

Author’s note: This was never published with Robert complaining particularly about the phrase “pesky Indians”. Anyhoo, it was repurposed rather well as an article about Pakistan, and I sneaked the phrase “pesky Indians” into another article. Yaa boo sucks.

The President of the United States, George Bush, surprised commentators and many of his own advisors today by holding an impromptu press conference whereby he outlined his strategy for bringing peace to Kashmir by “making sure we do a proper job of finishing off those Indians this time”

Mr. Bush made his announcement wearing what appeared to be a child’s cowboy hat and brandishing two toy cap pistols. Explaining that these illustrated how the West was won, and it was now time to do the same in the East, he continued “I thought we’d got rid of those pesky Indians for once and for all after Custer’s last stand. Things have become a whole lot clearer to me since I discovered that they’re alive and well and living near Afghanistan. Just you look at this picture of Sitting Bull and tell me there’s no similarity with Osama Bin Laden” he yelled waving around what appeared to be an identikit photo of Osama Bin Laden wearing a set of Buffalo horns.

Mr Bush then went on to explain how he was reforming the tenth cavalry and would be immediately shipping them out to the area of conflict. “I understand that these Indians now live in a place called India. This is clearly land that should belong to God-fearing Protestant white immigrants. Once the US cavalry have reclaimed what is rightfully ours, we shall me renaming it New America and consigning the natives to secure reservations where they can indulge in traditional practices such as war-dances, peace-pipe smoking and running highly lucrative casinos”

As the armed forces struggled to cope with the President’s emergency orders for fresh horses, Bowie knives and ten-gallon hats, Donald Rumsfeld sought to reassure the US public that the President did not harbour neo-colonial ambitions. “I can assure you that rumours of a covert operation called ‘Remember the Alamo’ are just that: rumours. The massing of large numbers of militia on the Mexican border wearing large furry hats and singing ‘Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier’ are just part of our rehearsal for ‘Remember the Alamo’ day. We are planning to swarm across the border and take simulated revenge against the Mexicans using a mixture of historical re-enactment, wargame techniques and live ammunition.”

As the President continued to issue more orders for smallpox infected blankets and barrels of firewater, he appeared more cautious on his strategy for dealing with Pakistan. “It sounds kind of similar to Palestine if you say it quickly enough” he mused. “Which means with any luck Israel can finish them off without us having to worry about them”

Author’s note: Finally, an article about the world cup that was actually about the sport. Roy Keane was a gifted player, but horribly violent and from what one could see on the television an ill tempered narcissist with the self control of a five year old. He stormed out of the Irish team, who did rather well without him. This was a massively popular article, for some reason

Embattled former Irish captain Roy Keane has confirmed that he intends to enter the World Cup finals in a team consisting of “me, me and only me”. He has explained that he believes his tactics of footballing skill, supreme leadership abilities and extreme violence will enable him to “go all the way in the finals even if it means having to be teach myself some hard lessons and give myself a stern talking to every so often”.

Mr. Keane made the announcement during a stormy press conference organised by his agent, Mr. Roy Keane. He explained that he had made the decision to go it alone reluctantly and only after “virtually grovelling” to Mick McCarthy in order to persuade him to let him back in the Irish team. “The fact that Mick didn’t recognise the invitation to kiss my tight white arse as a traditional Irish token of appeasement merely shows his lack of empathy with the Irish way of life. I was also disappointed that Bertie Ahern felt my suggestion that he go fuck himself was ‘not constructive'”

Mr. Keane then went on to explain that he had pulled together the finest team of world class talent and was confident of their chances. Keane United, as his team will be known, are already in training with Roy Keane also taking on all management and coaching positions. Mr. Keane went on to explain that he had undergone a rigorous training regime to ensure his peak fitness. “I have developed a set of radical soccer manoeuvres derived from ju-jitsu, karate and tae kwon do which should ensure I can deal with any opposition. I have also been coached in how to offer comments on someone’s parenthood and how ugly their wife is in over 17 different languages, which should help to deal with any tournament officials.”

When asked how he intended to enter the finals without having played in any qualifying matches, Mr. Keane firstly demonstrated how he would deal with “those FIFA fuckers” by beating the questioner around the head with a specially minted replica of the World Cup, made from melting down approximately one week worth of his wages. He then explained that if he were prevented by small minded petty officialdom, he would be entering the Keane Cup tournament instead which he challenged anyone in the room to deny wasn’t “the best fucking tournament in the world. Anyone here got any problem with that?”

However, stories are already circulating of discontent within the Keane camp. Reports have emerged of Keane angrily storming out of a training session and complaining it was “bollocks”. This was then followed by the manager and captain engaging in a vitriolic slanging match outside the team’s dressing room. Roy Keane declined to comment apart from suggesting that “as far as he was concerned he was a shit player, a shit manager and he’d never play in the same team as himself again”

Author’s note: The battle of Waterloo was allegedly won on the playing fields of Eton, and sport is war and war is sport. It was world cup time and we were about to start another war in the Middle East so why not write an article about the world cup – but it’s really about war – geddit?

Teams from countries around the globe have started to compete in what looks set to be one of the most tense set of matches since the 1940’s. Media and public alike are finding it increasingly difficult to predict the result and can only watch with anticipation to hope that they will be on the winning side.

Pundits generally agree that the European teams are off form with Germany appearing to have lost heart since defeat in the last final and other qualifiers including France and Italy appearing to favour defensive strategies. England, however, has sought to establish itself in the training and equipment market by supplying anyone who has enough money to pay, regardless of their attacking preferences and crowd control techniques

South America continues to shine with a number of countries finding excellent form recently. Argentina is tipped to re-establish it’s premier position after a disappointing flirtation with new team tactics including democracy. However, it seems likely that new leadership could take-over at any time and an almost military style regime could be in charge very soon. Other countries including Chile, Bolivia and Columbia are also showing good form although Columbia is struggling to cope with allegations of drug abuse.

Africa is also becoming a more confident challenger for the crown. Teams from countries as diverse as Rwanda, Sudan and, most recently, Zimbabwe are all showing excellent form and are becoming more confident in taking on their previous coaches in England and France.

Most recently some unexpected countries look set to go all the way to the finals. The Israel Palestine conflict remains one of the most exciting with new techniques such as the famous suicide swoop and the devastating Israeli attack continuing to dazzle. India and Pakistan are also in fearsome competition and their famed “nuclear defence” could be called into play at any time.

The USA is a new entrant, and is keen to counter its reputation for not taking part in a game until well after it has begun. It is now rapidly acquiring skill and determination to prevail on the world stage. Their recent friendly against the Russians provoked surprise by the subtlety of their attack, not least from the Russian Captain who felt certain that they had emerged victorious from the encounter despite a clear victory by the visitors.

Afghanistan has also shown recent good form. However, after succumbing in a lacklustre engagement with the US, pundits fear they may be past their prime and they appear to have lost a number of their squad to injury. Their tactics of insisting on sudden death playoffs has also weakened the team. Their main goal scorer, Osama Bin Laden, a transfer from the Saudi Academicals, has also not made an impression since his devastating destruction of the US defence last year.

With many other countries, including North Korea, Sri Lanka and Chechnya, keen to enter the fray, it can only be hoped that Roy Keane will stick to his pledge to stay out of things before they get really violent.