Author’s note: Ooh, I liked this article. I wanted to write something about the nascent anti-immigration movement, that ultimately ended in Brexit and spied an opportunity based on the soon-to-be-launched Euro. We actually received a letter worrying that it was making fun of the Holocaust and I had to explain that I was using the Holocaust to illustrate where anti-immigration policies often end up. Also note my rather clever use of Stirling to mimic the Christian name, which Tom kept changing to Sterling.

David Blunkett announced immediate action today to combat the “tide of non-UK currencies” that are sweeping into Britain. “Currencies of different denominations, colours and cultures are in danger of swamping our economy. We must take urgent action to preserve the British way trading”

In one evening the Brains Trust witnessed hundreds of currencies from across Europe breaking through flimsy currency exchanges and fleeing across the channel tunnel into the UK. We interviewed two desperate refugees known only as Frank and Mark who explained their plight to us.

“There was a time when we were welcome throughout our homelands,” Frank told us. “In every home in the country people would be delighted to let us in. Shops, restaurants, banks – even politicians – they couldn’t get enough of us. But then suddenly some sinister extremist forces began to take over in the heart of Europe. At first it was a bit of a joke, no one thought it would ever happen. But then people began to talk about a single currency, a master race that would sweep throughout Europe. Then discriminatory laws began to appear. We could only meet each other at fixed exchange rates. There were maximum numbers of us that could work in government. Adverts appeared denouncing us and calling for people to hand us over to the authorities. I felt devalued”

At this point Frank broke down and Mark continued. “It was then that the real trouble started. They passed laws declaring that we would be illegal after a certain date. They would only recognise the Euro as the chosen race, a single pure strain that was superior to all others. Now, we have no legal recognition, we are non-currencies as far as our people are concerned. Even safe havens have become dangerous. Some of my colleagues turned up in a shop and were immediately transported to a sorting centre. God knows what happened to them after that. There are stories of millions of us being disposed of in furnaces. It’s terrifying”

However, the currencies are also having a hard time finding solace in the UK. Many locals are handing them in to the authorities to be transported back to an unknown fate at home. They also face opposition from nationalist currency activists. One such hard currency supporter, known only as “Stirling”, explained his position. “We’re being overtaken by a tide of foreigners. We should only allow in ones that look like us – ones with a Queen’s head on them – except Dale Winton obviously. And they should be forced to swear allegiance to the Bank of England and leave their foreign markets at home. We should chuck all the rest back. Before you know it they’ll be taking over here.”

As the Government promised swift action against the immigrants Tony Blair declared that the UK need not fear for its own currency especially as it was going to get a nice shiny new one soon.

Author’s note: Railways are an incredibly safe way to travel, but when there is a crash, there is usually a huge surge in cries for renationalising the rail companies, which seems to miss the point. Anyway, all the talk was of Iraq and it’s mythical weapons of mass destruction, so why not start with that? There was also the petrol tax protests, which still seem to have an effect…

The Government announced today that it has reclassified the UK’s entire rail infrastructure as a weapon of mass destruction and would be urgently starting to decommission “the whole bloody awful network.”

The Government was reacting to the press coverage of the railways in recent weeks, culminating with the headlines generated after the Potters Bar crash. Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, explained that based on a “cool, calm and unemotive” assessment of Britain’s media, it was clear that the railways were “more lethal than the world’s entire stockpile of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons and must be destroyed immediately.” Mr. Blair, brandishing a copy of the Daily Mirror then read out an editorial which highlighted “the almost certain death” that faced anyone foolhardy enough to travel on the railways. He also pointed out statistics from the Sun’s “10 facts you never knew about rail travel” which “conclusively proved” that it was safer roll down Mount Everest in a flaming barrel filled with high-explosives than take the 8:34 from Wimbledon to Leatherhead.

“It is now clear that we were misguided in our belief that public transport is a good thing,” he continued. “It creates only misery and death. It is the Axle of Evil and must be destroyed. God knows what would happen if this thing were to fall into the wrong hands. Just imagine if some unaccountable megalomaniac politician, a congenital liar who ruled his domain with faceless thugs that pedalled lies and terror got his hands on it? It doesn’t bear thinking about?”

The Government’s stance was supported by Petrol Tax protest leader Brynle Williams. Mr. Williams was speaking at a rally against public transport where 57 “petrol tax martyrs” doused themselves with fuel and set fire to themselves rather than pay an extra penny per litre of gasoline. Speaking on their behalf, Mr. Williams called for an immediate increase in investment in the roads. “It is the duty of all right thinking people to encourage travellers onto the roads. For too long we have put the lives of passengers at risk on these trains. It is time that our Government realised that hurtling around motorways, dodging between foreign juggernauts and jamming four-wheel drive vehicles three-abreast on minor roads outside schools is more convenient, safer and more environmentally friendly than any other mode of travel”

Mr Blair claimed that he was taking action to remedy the problems and was investigating several solutions “many of which involved putting Stephen Byers and John Prescott through some sort medieval torture regime”. However, as an emergency measure he had ordered the recall of all military forces from “those ghastly little places like Afghanistan, Kosovo and Northern Ireland”. These forces will be commanded to make the rail network safe by unleashing the UK’s entire nuclear arsenal at it. “After all,” commented Mr. Blair “having a huge melted radioactive lump of metal spanning the length of the entire country is likely to be less damaging than the existing rail network – at least for my re-election chances”

Author’s note: At the Brains Trust we had a wide variety of characters. Lawyers, consultants, lefties, righties, a professional cellist (who was also the son of a very famous author), a married couple who were separating but not separating. What we did not have was anyone who had any interest in sport. So it usually fell to me, to write something. This was a gentle spoof on Labour’s occasional commitment to renationalising things (Railtrack) and the fact that in general the public sector wasn’t terribly efficient.

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, today announced that the UK government would be immediately nationalising the World Cup squad and putting in place measures to ensure absolute victory in the finals this summer.

Mr. Blair is reported to have become increasingly concerned at the number of injuries sustained by England’s squad and has asked for an urgent investigation as to why regular maintenance regimes were not operating to ensure that a catastrophic failure could not take place. Initial feedback suggests that the maintenance of the team had been subcontracted out to Balfour Beatty who had assigned a number of Golf professionals to the team in the absence of trained football experts. It is also understood that Mr. Blair was concerned at such a priceless national asset falling into foreign ownership and was keen to bring the “Best of British” governance to the team calling on the finest Government skills from all parts of public ownership.

Margaret Beckett, the new England Team manager, outlined her strategy for leading the team to victory. “Initial training will come via our world-class sporting academies. However, as these aren’t projected to be finished until 2009, we have negotiated the use of the Bermondsey Falcons pitch after 9PM on alternate Thursdays although they aren’t able to guarantee that the showers will be working. To ensure peak fitness, we shall be bringing state of the art medical facilities from the Health Service and have negotiated a greatly reduced waiting time of only 3 months for injuries sustained during a game” she explained. “We shall also be equipping our on-site paramedics with the very latest equipment including galvanised buckets, cellulose sponges and super sweet blood oranges, although these will be restricted to forwards owing to the backs having a different prescribing policy”

The team will be transported to the match using Britain’s rail network and, assuming they survive, they will be flown to Japan on a chartered Easyjet flight to ensure no money is wasted. They will also be accompanied by a support team of over 3000 civil servants who will provide vital strategic direction and make sure that the team have targets to reach including number of goals scored, litres of phelgm produced and amount of four-letter advice given to the referee about his Mother. After each goal is scored the Government has devised a simple system of forms for the goal scorer to complete so that they can capture best practice and share the learnings with the rest of the team. These should take no more than 90 minutes to finish.

Mrs Beckett also took the opportunity to outline her new World cup squad. “On attack we have John Prescott who will be bringing his “Right hand of God” to the fore and Stephen Byers will be utilising his excellent defensive skills. His body swerve and ability to bend the ball will be vital in getting the team out of tricky situations. Peter Mandelson will be putting his excellent knowledge of the offside rule to trap unwary opponents and Keith Vaz will be administering what I believe are known as ‘bungs’ just in case any FIFA officials are on hand.

Mr. Blair proclaimed that the new English squad will be a “world beater” but expressed his disappointment that Gordon Brown had declined the opportunity to be head-coach and decided he wanted to go off and lead his own team.

Author’s note: Pim Fortuyn was a fascinating politician. Gay, centre right and stridently anti-muslim he cut a swathe through Holland and was assassinated by a hard-left environmentalist who was worried he might (gasp) win an election. For me this was one of the early skirmishes between the establishment and the masses that we now see manifest itself with Brexit, Boris and Trump.

First and foremost this was a rather silly, if poor taste, article, making fun of the fact that he looked like a Bond villain. Secondly, though, I was interested in what happens when the establishment doesn’t get what it wants. And the answer we have now is that it pulls together to do everything in its power to thwart the popular will. You can argue whether that is democratic or whether it is actually for the greater good. Personally, I think it probably both but then I don’t think we should ever have had a Brexit referendum because we live in a representative democracy and we pay our politicians to make tough decisions.

Top secret memos have been leaked to the Brains Trust which appear to indicate that Pim Fortuyn, the Dutch maverick political leader, was not assassinated by a radical green campaigner but was actually attacked by British Intelligence. The assassination was carried by an operative known only by the codenumber 007 and he is thought to have averted a plot by Mr. Fortuyn to take-over the world using a stolen consignment of nuclear weapons.

It appears that 007 is part of an exclusive group of operatives especially trained to seek out potential serious terrorist threats. Extensive profiling has revealed that these terrorists usually have certain distinguishing character traits, namely:

• They are bald
• They are populist extroverts with unusual sexual proclivities
• They have high profile media presence
• They have a set of henchmen with similar characteristics
• They possess large fluffy white cats and live in secret underground bunkers

A source working for British Intelligence, known only as M, confirmed that Mr. Fortuyn met all of these characteristics although “his secret underground bunker appears to be more like a basement flat, but we think that’s just part of its disguise”. Asked to explain the evidence for Mr. Fortuyn’s plan to control the world, M simply commented “Take it from me, they always do. First they start off with their populist policies, then they go and undermine democracy by winning an election and before you know it you’re having public debates with people discussing any old rubbish and pretending it’s freedom. The only way to ensure true freedom and democratic choice is by ensuring these madman can’t take control”

Through a series of elaborate passwords, secret rendezvous and a set of photos involving Cherie Blair and Anne Widdecombe, the Brains Trust was able to gain an audience with 007. He confirmed that it was him that carried out the assassination and commented: “I’m amazed they fell for the old crazed vegan assassin routine. We thought we’d go with that one as it would put that blame on the Russians. They frequently despatch their victims with potatoes and beetroots” explained 007. “Personally, I’d normally go for the sophisticated investment banker or suave international businessman which no one ever expects. It also gives you a much better chance of getting your leg over the beautiful scientist who always seems to be associated with the madman”

007 was also able to confirm that the assassination had been carried out using a special high-powered rifle disguised as a carrot. The device was created by a technical mastermind known only as ‘Q’. “Q has come up with some real life-saver’s for me,” 007 confirmed. “The poisoned swizzle stick, the exploding casino chips and my personal favourite the contracting condom that shrinks to size of a thumbnail on contact with the genitals. Unfortunately, most Russians appeared to enjoy this and there’s now a thriving black market for the damn things.”

Commenting on the assassination, the Dutch premier expressed his thanks to the British Secret Service for averting the world takeover and explained that, despite having seen no evidence of the plot expressed his satisfaction “After all, the last thing we want is some weirdo turning up and winning the election. How on Earth can that be democracy?”

Author’s note: I was pretty convinced that liberal, centrist capitalism would continue to sweep all before it and the threat from the far right was greatly overstated. What an idiot

As the BNP prepares to capitalise on its huge success in the local election and gear up to form the next UK Government and Jean-Marie Le Pen puts the final polish to his victory speech, the world braced itself for the almost certain appearance of the Fourth Reich.

Within countries across the world, the appearance of charismatic, wild eyed fascists bent on world domination cast a pall on the democratic process. “How can we have let this happen?” lamented Jacques Chirac, the soon to be ex-President of France. “Politicians have always behaved responsibly, we have avoided corruption and always sought to spend the peoples money wisely. We listen carefully to the views of the people from our parliament buildings in our capital cities and ensure that we issue strict centrally controlled laws to benefit local communities. And every five or so years we allow the people to vote on a wide variety of candidates with different viewpoints so that we can start all over again. How can it be possible that people feel disconnected with democracy and flirt with Fascism?”

Fortunately, the media has been quick to spot the rise of fascism and has acted responsibly by highlighting the danger in moderated manner. In the UK, the Daily Mail cleverly issued a 15 page “find-a-fascist” special, carefully highlighting each individual ward where one could “vote for a Nazi” and giving details of each candidates name so they the public could easily identify and reject them.

Governments have also responded by addressing the policies of the far right and adopting a pragmatic approach to rejecting them. “Clearly these peoples repellent approach to immigrants is just one issue which reflects their insular, closed minded policies”, explained David Blunkett, the UK Home Secretary, as he laid the ceremonial first brick in the wall to block up the Channel Tunnel and “cut off the UK from Europe and it’s hordes of benefit grabbing darkies”. Mr. Blunkett continued “Before you know it, these fascists will be massively restricting individual freedoms and controlling everything centrally. It’s important that we don’t give them that opportunity and therefore I am announcing a set of new measures to allow much greater surveillance so that we can keep a close eye on them. We shall also be providing new freedoms for anyone who rejects fascism by denying people the right to speak in support of any far right measures and lock up anyone who supports their views.”

However, new anti-immigrant measures have led to problems with processing. Each country now has a policy to deport the migrants to their neighbouring country who then moves them on to their own neighbour. “I’ve been three times round the world now” claimed Abdul Al-Sayaf as he boarded the life-raft that has been his home for the last 3 years. “And now I can’t remember which country I started in”

Ariel Sharon also condemned the rise of fascism and rejected any comparisons between his own Government’s policies towards the Palestinians and those of the far right towards immigrants. “That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows that fascists persecute Jews. It doesn’t say anything about Jews persecuting anyone else. The fact that the world is riddled with far-right psychopaths intent on world domination should in no way imply any comparison with Israel’s current policies”

Within the US, John Ashcroft announced precautionary measure to arrest potential Islamic Fundamentalists without requiring evidence against them to be revealed. Explaining the measure, he commented, “It’s important to avoid these people taking away the freedoms for which the USA is so justly famous”

Author’s note: OK, this was fun. We had started to get a cult following and a reasonable readership. All the authors were anonymous (I was known as Beaumont) and I thought it would be silly to write two contrasting descriptions of what life at Brains Trust Towers was really like.

Perception
Many of our readers write in on a regular basis to request details of how we put each issue of the Brains Trust together. Unfortunately, our high powered jobs in vital Government departments prevent us from disclosing our identities. However, today we are able to reveal for the first time a behind the scenes look at how the Brains Trust works.

Each day our team of highly paid full-time contributors meet in our luxurious Belgravia offices at 6AM to sing the Brains Trust anthem, have a team hug and swap story ideas over a power breakfast. After a short but fulfilling address from the editorial team, the contributors engage in workshops to develop ideas into top quality satirical material. The office operates in a collegiate atmosphere, with team working and a non-judgemental style that fosters creativity through encouragement. The office walls are festooned with motivational posters exhorting the team to “be the best”.

Ideas are constantly being thrown in for consideration with no thought for credit. The well-paid and contented staff also find time to browse all the major international news journals for new material. However, the editorial team is ever vigilant for the slightest hint of plagiarism. Mid-way through the day the group, all teetotal vegans, stop for a nutritious lunch time snack of tofu washed down with soya milk. They are then joined on the satellite link by the US correspondents. The US and UK teams engage in some hilarious, but positive and non-judgemental horseplay cleverly highlighting cultural differences whilst encouraging creative tension. The US contributors bring their own style and approach to the Trust and the UK welcomes their US brethren’s different outlook on world affairs. Outside contributions are also welcomed as bringing new life and vitality to the journal. All submissions are carefully reviewed and every one receives a response from the editors offering constructive advice and encouragement. Occasionally, our offices our visited by our principal investor, a wealthy philanthropist who insists on having no editorial involvement

As the deadline approaches the BT team put in many long hours polishing stories and ruthlessly editing and re-editing material. The stories are then automatically downloaded into the BT’s state-of-the-art web authoring software. Original images are created to enhance the world leading text. On the Thursday before publication the issue is fully prepared by the middle of the day. The entire team then meets and works laboriously until midnight to ensure that the issue is the most pin-prick accurate satirical effort possible and ensure that all last minute issues are covered. Following “go-live” at midnight the team enjoys a brief prayer session, an invigorating cup of cocoa and start to prepare for the next issue. From then on, the messages of praise start to flood in from our millions of readers.

Reality
The only person to ever enquire about the Brains Trust was a police inspector wondering why the BT offices were used as the forwarding address for a Romanian call-girl ring. The “offices” are a small shed under the railway embankment in Braintree, Essex. Each day the editor-in-chief Carroll attempts to call together the regular contributors, a group of tramps, thieves and Romanian call girls, to flog them and force them to write stories. All available time is spent in the pub or reading Hello magazine and watching daytime TV soaps.

By Wednesday evening, no contributions have been made, except for an obscene limerick by Pullman, an article about currency fluctuations that no one understands from Beaumont and a twenty page anti-capitalism tirade from Hammerton, and so the editor, Delano, is released once more from the editor-in-chief’s bedroom cupboard. A vile, unkempt snarling creature, he terrifies all the contributors into writing articles. By midday Thursday a review of all contributions reveals 12 of them to consist entirely of the words “la la la” repeated over and over again. However one article by Reinold is compact and hilarious but he confesses under torture that it was copied from a five-year-old issue of The Onion. After several seconds of debate on plagiarism, editorial ethics and copyright the team vote unanimously to run it as the lead story having changed every fifth word to “treacle” to avoid any possibility of being sued.

At this point the US contributors’ carrier pigeon arrives and they join the UK team via a 1970’s proto-type speaker phone that makes them sound like Daleks. The two US contributors are Mons Meg, a Mormon Mother of fifteen children, and Seycley, an Hispanic illegal immigrant who believes he is taking part in a weekly English correspondence course and whose contributions each week read “My name is Miguel. The sky is blue.” At 6PM all submissions from external contributors are ritually burnt whilst the team chants “Loser! Loser!” over the flames. Any new member of the team has their feet roasted on the flames and then undergoes a full initiation ritual. Abe Froman is still suspended upside down over the toilet after 14 weeks, as part of his character building exercise. Carroll then extorts money from the other contributors for “miscellaneous production disbursements”. Donations guarantee the placement of an article in this week’s issue. He spends the 27p on supporting his drug habit. The articles are laboriously entered onto punched cards and fed in the 1960’s mainframe originally featured in “Billion Dollar Brain” but now worth only 17 cents. The hand-crafted word processing software written by Carroll then crashes for the 50th time losing all the articles and refusing to restart.

An editorial decision is then made to create all the articles by copying out pages from ancient “Terry and June” scripts. The editorial team then leap into action. Armed only with his “Ladybird book of comedy editing” Delano ruthlessly removes any hint of subtlety and nuance and replaces it with phrases such as “cried like a girl”, “dribbling through a straw” and “Hugo Z Hackenbush”. Pictures are cut out of back issues of National Geographic and crudely stuck on to carbon copies of the original articles. After several minutes of frenzied activity, disturbed only by the sound of snoring from the other contributors, the Brains Trust is almost ready for release. Then with the traditional cry of “Bugger it, that’ll do. I’m off to the pub” the issue is released to the delight of all other satirical journals on the web who can once again rest easily that their readership will be unthreatened.

Author’s note: Continuing on my policy of writing articles which were mildly critical of Israel reneging on it’s agreements with the Palestinians. I wondered what would happen if the UK adopted a similar approach. Cue many outraged comments from people unable to understand satire.

All broadcast media was interrupted across the UK last night for a special announcement by Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, which confirmed that the British army had started a major counter-offensive against terrorism and had reoccupied the entire island of Ireland.

Looking suitably sombre, Mr. Blair announced that the British army had returned to Ireland and was currently engaged in fierce fighting with many terrorist entities in the capital city of Dublin and elsewhere. The army is currently laying siege to the Irish leader, Mr. Bertie Ahern , in his administrative compound, the Oireachtas in the centre of Dublin. Although the UK has banned Mr. Ahern from leaving his compound and from talking to the media, a brief statement has been smuggled out condemning “UK aggression” but also calling for an end to all “punishment beatings, shootings and other forms of terrorism”

Mr Blair though has refused to accept the Taoiseach’s good intentions and claims that he is directly responsible for orchestrating the campaign of terror against the UK. He has pointed out that republican terrorists have operated “for many years” from within the state of Ireland and have moved freely across the border to terrorise British citizens. The final straw appears to have been recent revelations that the Irish Republican Army has started to rearm and also forge new alliances with other terrorist groups around the world.

“These cowards skulk and hide in amongst domestic houses” claimed Mr. Blair. “And I warn you, if anyone chooses to offer them succour or sanctuary they themselves become terrorists and their house a temple of terror. They should expect no mercy”. Mr Blair was explaining the army’s policy of destroying the majority of the centre of Dublin and several other Irish cities, which he referred to as “terrorist strongholds”

Tensions have simmered for many years over the ownership of the “North Bank” of the island, with the British declaring it a sacred shrine to Unionism and the Irish claiming it as an indivisible part of their territory. Following the re-occupation, Mr. Blair has categorically denied that he wishes to deprive the Irish of a homeland. He has claimed that he simply seeks to re-establish the British Isles back to their pre-1921 borders and is happy for the Irish to resettle “wherever they bloody well like”. He has rejected a UN resolution demanding the immediate withdrawal of the UK and has refused a request for a UN mission to investigate the incursion “unless it includes Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell”

Ireland’s next nearest neighbour, the United States, has also called for the withdrawal of the UK as soon as possible, but has supported the right of the UK to “defend itself against terror using any legitimate means including wholesale destruction of any town in which terrorists are thought to live”

Other countries have been quick to condemn the UK actions but the UK has rejected these as “bogus”. Mr. Blair claimed that France and other European countries have long sought the destruction of Britain, as they are “jealous of the fact we had a proper Empire.”

As the British Army dug in for a long campaign, the press agreed on one thing – that the situation was “unlike anything that had ever happened anywhere else in the world”

Author’s note: It was local election time and no one could be bothered to vote (except me) and I couldn’t be bothered to fact check and a reader pointed out in a comment that Scotland wasn’t holding local elections, so Angus McIntyre, featured in the article, would not have been voting. “That just shows how keen he is,” I replied.

The emergency services confirmed they remain on a state of high-alert after never-before witnessed scenes of celebration, despair and rioting following the UK local elections. As the polls closed and a massive upswelling of democratic fervour gripped the nation, Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, confirmed that they had recorded the “highest turnout ever for any election anywhere in the world.”

In scenes similar to those witnessed in Zimbabwe recently, huge crowds of people started to mass around the Polling Stations well before they opened. The atmosphere buzzed with animated discussions about the parties’ local authority policies and their candidates’ views on recycling and minority sports representation.

The Brains Trust spoke to Derek Gadd who had queued for 5 years to ensure his place as first voter through the doors. “You always get a special feeling knowing you’re the first,” explained Mr. Gadd. “You look behind you at the seething mass of humanity desperate to exercise its mandate and you know that the power your vote wields can change the world – or at least your local authority’s refuse collection policy”

Massive street parties are still in full swing with London holding the largest ever “Rock-the-Vote” concert. Geri Halliwell who is headlining at the concert explained “I love voting more than sex. But I think it is a sacred act and that you should only do it when you feel you’re ready, which is why I’ve never registered to vote myself. I’m just waiting for the right candidate to come along.”

Inevitably, though, some reports of trouble flaring up have started to come in, with incidents of intimidation and bitterness taking place. A prospective Conservative councillor in Richmond and Kew was seen harassing shoppers in her local Waitrose and offering to help them carry their shopping to the car in return for the promise of their vote. A distraught Liberal Democrat who failed to poll any votes at all after he crossed the wrong box on the ballot paper, attempted suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with the polling pencil. Fortunately, he was disarmed before he was able to turn the pencil over and use the sharp end.

All the major political parties have declared themselves happy with 99.999% voter turnout. However, it has been suggested that the errant 0.0001%, Mr. Angus McIntyre, should have been allowed extra time to vote when he was delayed getting to the polling station, having rowed single-handedly from the Isle of Muck, 15 miles from the Scottish Coast, after the ferry broke down.

As returning officers from every district were carried shoulder high to the podium to announce the results of the election to animated and expectant crowds, the country could feel it was on the brink of an enormous social revolution. Tony Blair, summing up the mood of the entire nation, simply commented “Isn’t democracy wonderful?”

Author’s note: I still remain amazed that anyone actually believed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. I certainly didn’t and the increasing ridiculous levels that the US and UK were prepared to go to pretend they were there were extraordinary, with many dictatorships (North Korea, Pakistan) actually having real live nuclear weapons. And there seemed to be very many good reasons to remove Saddam without pretending he was a threat to the UK. Anyway, the UKs rather meek obsession with pleasing George W Bush was all rather embarrassing.

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, has announced that the UK would be progressing to the next stage of the “war on terror” by designating a number of UK sites as decoys to attract terrorists thereby distracting them from “important” cities such as New York, Los Angeles and Denver.

The Prime Minister furiously denied trying to “bury” the initiative, explaining he had made the announcement in Westminster Abbey during the Queen Mother’s funeral, whilst being watched by millions of people from around the world, “and you can’t get more public than that”. It is thought that the actual announcement took place during the Archbishop of Canterbury’s oratory when the Prime Minister could be seen deep in concentration and muttering some words from a typed sheet that he had previously explained was a “special Queen Mum prayer”

It now emerges that a number of UK towns and cities, including Birmingham, Scunthorpe and “anywhere with a Conservative MP” will be classed as Grade A US Population Centres. The cities will be fitted out with “American style” replica sky scrapers, their airports will be all be renamed after former US Presidents and an emergency decoy device will be triggered in the event of suspected terrorist movements. The device consists of a set of hydraulic flagpoles that immediately unfurl the Stars and Stripes, projectors that show large numbers of holographically generated clinically-obese people and a large set of speakers that issue the alert “Yoo-hoo! Over here!” every 30 seconds

The plan was hatched during Mr. Blair’s recent visit to see George Bush in the US. Mr. Blair made a joint statement with Mr. Bush confirming the UK’s readiness to send large numbers of its troops to die for “Truth, Justice and the American Way”. The UK was also ready to flout international laws and bomb Iraq as well as agreeing that there was no point in the new International War Crimes court being able to try US citizens as “they are not very likely to commit war crimes, are they?”

It is hoped that when the plan is put into action terrorists attempting to strike at the heart of US homelands will launch their attack on, for example, Scunthorpe. The Prime Minister explained that this will have the benefit of leaving the terrorists feeling that they have achieved a major goal whilst in fact having provided a major public service by removing “that awful grubby little place off the face of the map”.

In a reciprocal move the US has also announced that a number of its major population centres will be “anglicised”. New York will be renamed York and it’s skyscrapers will be fitted with thatched roofs. Further enhancements will involve replacing burger bars with fish and chip shops and teaching the locals to act in a gruff, surly, unhelpful manner and only talk in an incomprehensible manner, although this is not expected to require a significant change.

President Bush welcomed the new moves as part of the US-UK special relationship and presented Tony Blair with a commemorative designer T-shirt featuring the two countries flags on the front and large black lettering saying “Kick Me” on the back.

Author’s note: I remain a staunch supporter of Israel and despair at the levels of casual anti-semitism that exist, especially by what I am sure are well meaning supporters of Palestine. But Israel really does not help itself sometimes….

Ariel Sharon announced the next phase of his plan to deliver peace to Israel and the Middle East today. “After the successful first phase of my master strategy to bring peace with security, I can announce that we shall now be moving to the next stage – ‘Peace through Conquest'”

Mr. Sharon announced the plan after he had spent “several minutes” considering other alternatives such as “negotiation with the Palestinians, liasing with other countries or bothering to read any United Nations resolutions”. Instead, he has adopted a strategy based on “some radical policies suggested by my new cabinet colleagues from the ultra-nationalist National Religious Party and piloted by certain Central European countries, such as Serbia. Israel can now look forward to peace via the creation of a Greater Israel.”

Mr. Sharon has proposed that Israel will initially reoccupy the West Bank and Gaza. The three million Palestinians will then be re-housed in “New Palestine”, an area described by Mr. Sharon as a specially created and extensively landscaped garden city-state of approximately 2 square miles in the middle of the Sinai desert. The area will be reluctantly handed back from its current “essential use” as a cess-pit by an Israeli Settlement. Once this is completed, Israel will then be seeking to re-establish previous Jewish strongholds in other countries. The annexing of Poland is thought to be an early goal.

Mr. Sharon denounced critics of his policy as anti-Semites and claimed comparisons with the Nazis were odious. “The Nazis marched into other peoples territories, ignored the protests of other countries, stamped on human rights, murdered people without trial and installed puppet regimes ignoring the chosen leader of the places they occupied. Now come on, tell me where’s the similarity with the current Israeli government?” He then went on to explain how the policy had precedent in the recent history of the other countries. “The only way to fight terrorism is to never compromise, suspend the rights of the terrorists, summarily intern and execute them and assume that everyone in the opposing regime is a terrorist. Just look at how much success the UK had with this policy in Northern Ireland in the 1970’s.”

Mr Sharon also explained that the new policy would provide Israel with a “golden opportunity” to test out its weapons arsenal. “It seems a shame to have got America to give us all of these weapons and then just use them for defence,” he explained. “With this new policy we can really get to see how effective they are at destroying houses or dispatching terrorists secreted within large numbers of civilians”

In response, Yasser Arafat offered his support and commitment to peace by announcing that he was immediately stepping up the Palestinian “Peace through mindless slaughter” campaign. “We feel confident that by selecting keen individuals to blow themselves to bits in the middle of crowds of innocent civilians we can show how truly we long for peace and harmony with our Israeli brethren,” announced Mr. Arafat. He then went on to launch a new ‘Suicide Cub Scout’ initiative. This will involve a specially selected group of children who have agreed to strap large quantities of explosives to themselves and blow themselves up in Israeli schools in return for a visit to Kentucky Fried Chicken and a special suicide bomber apprentice badge. “They’re finger lickin’ good” beamed an excited Mr. Arafat.

Speaking for the US, George Bush welcomed the new moves towards peace but urged the two sides to hurry up. “I mean the more you guys ignore every international precedent and condemnation, the easier it’ll be for me to do the same and get on and bomb Iraq”