Author’s note: The world continued to watch as Israel and Palestine failed to patch up their differences and Yasser Arafat continued to “never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity”. It was not helped by the US and Europe moving further apart on their objectives. Plus ca change….

Israeli and Palestinian combatants appealed to mediators from around the world to leave them alone, today, so they can get on massacring each other without every “moist-eyed, limp-wristed liberal nancy boy getting in the way”

They were responding to the waves of mediators that have launched a set of successive offensive attacks on the Israeli-Palestine conflict over recent weeks. It is hoped that if the waves of mediators can continue to overrun the conflict the fighters may just give up and go home meaning that the whole world can “get back to just ignoring the problem again”

The conflict has now been running at full tilt for over a year but has been simmering for several decades. The Norwegians led an early skirmish achieving some success in overwhelming the raw hate that exists between the two participants. The US then joined the attack and claimed all the credit, with Bill Clinton explaining “that’s how we fight all of our wars”. However, the mediation attempt was gradually undermined by a series of guerrilla and Government attacks eventually succumbing to defeat with the election of Ariel Sharon.

Since then, the US has attempted to restart mediation but only in a half-hearted way with Colin Powell explaining recently that “it was difficult as they really didn’t want to upset anybody and was kind of hoping that everyone would just get along”. Recently, though, a number of new groups have stepped forward to launch mediation attempts on the area, regardless of whether they were wanted or not. European Commission President Romano Prodi has declared American mediation in the Middle East a failure, and urged the United States to stand down as primary peacemaker and let a broad alliance of nations intervene. During a phone call with Prodi, President Bush encouraged the EU to intervene with the words, “Be my fucking guest!” The situation rapidly deteriorated but seemed to have reached a peak after Mr. Bush could be heard muttering “yada-yada-yada” throughout Mr. Prodi’s address to the United Nations.

However, fighting has now broken out between the different mediation groups with vicious hand-to-hand battles occurring between European and US negotiators. In the Gaza strip Romano Prodi’s convoy was seen to deliberately swerve in front of Colin Powells and carry out an emergency stop. The two men then leapt from their vehicles and started violently remonstrating. They had to be separated by their respective aides after Powell was seen to pull Prodi’s hair and call him an “Italian wuss” whilst Prodi lashed out at Powell’s shin crying “Just go and sort out the mess you left in Iraq”

As amazed local combatants watched, the two groups were then joined by a United Nations team that offered to mediate between the Europeans and Americans. However, when the two men were released they immediately began fighting again and the UN team declined to act explaining that they were a “Peace keeping force” and were not allowed to actually intervene if fighting was taking place. “Anyway” explained Captain Mike Briggs, the leader of the UN force, “None of our guns work in the desert although the UK have promised an urgent repair programme to commence in 2006”

Further complications are likely as professional mediation services arrive in the area. A group of Marriage Guidance Counsellors from Lexington, MA have hired a plane and are currently attempting “bring the two parties together in a non-confrontational atmosphere. We will try and explore which parts of their relationship have worked and which need to be worked upon”. They are claiming some tentative success with Israel complaining that Palestine “never does the dishes” whilst Palestine laments “that Israel is always staring at other countries and commenting on how nice they look”.

Battalions of lawyers, arbitrators, estate agents, auctioneers, loss adjusters and building surveyors are now swarming into the beleaguered region and leading an all out assault against the combatants. Alarmed soldiers and terrorists are falling back asking the Red Cross to intervene between them and the mediators. “This is becoming insufferable” commented Ibrahim Mistry “How can we be expected to get on with killing each other with all these lunkheads getting in the way?”

The mediation assault shows no sign of abating however, with the US now threatening to “drop the big one”. President Bush intoned that the US had now instructed former President’s Clinton, Ford and Carter to be made ready. “Believe me,” he claimed “You really don’t want us to drop this baby on you”

Author’s note. I’m pretty sure we never used this, but the mangling of Candle in the Wind, which had been so effective for Diana, was repurposed for another article. Prince Philip was on good form. However, this had put an idea in my head which morphed into an article about the funeral that turned out rather well….

Buckingham Palace announced today that it was to combine the official acts of remembrance for the Queen Mother with the Queen’s Golden jubilee celebrations and hold “one bloody great enormous piss up”. The announcement by Prince Philip was said to have been prompted by the unexpectedly large overreaction to the Queen Mother’s death and the complete inertia greeting the jubilee celebrations. “It also means we only have to let that bunch of chinks, wops, dagoes and darkies claiming to be world leaders in the Palace once. It’ll save a fortune on disinfection costs”

Royal Watcher and generally useful spokesman when you need an expert opinion, Lord Hugo Z Hackenbush commented, “This clearly makes sense from a variety of perspectives. The same tedious celebrities, politicians and gentry would be wheeled out for both events. They would both celebrate elderly women managing to hang on way past their sell by date and they would both require large amounts of pomp, circumstance and cucumber sandwiches”

The idea has been greeted enthusiastically by celebrities who were said to be dreading being associated with jubilee. Elton John, who had already knocked up a new version of “Candle in the Wind” for the Queen Mother and another one for the jubilee “just in case”, was the first to confirm his participation. “I’ll probably combine the two versions now” he explained “It’ll start solemn and then we’ll jazz it up a bit for the jubilee part – you know do a medley with ‘Saturday night’s alright for fighting’ or something’. Mick Jagger has also now agreed to take part in the event reportedly changing his mind after being cheered up by the discovery that the Queen Mother was “considerably older than him” despite appearances to the contrary.

The overall event is being masterminded by Prince Edward and his media company “Well I’ve got to do something, Mummy says I can’t just sit around the Palace all day”. Although details are still sketchy, the plans for first part of the celebration “It’s a Royal Queen Mum Knockout” have been released. This is based on “It’s a Royal Knockout” the charity event organised by Edward some years ago. It featured the Royal offspring “behaving like common people” and taking part in hilarious games involving giant inflatable bananas, trampolines and huge amounts of custard. The new games would replace the vigil that the Queen Mother’s grandsons were planning to hold by her coffin. Instead, the four men would take part in a set of games involving throwing the coffin between rickety scaffolds, attempting to launch it into its final resting place using a giant catapult and trying to carry it to the church in under 60 seconds whilst being barged by equerries dressed in giant papier-mâché clown costumes.

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has also received the idea enthusiastically. “I mean the Queen Mum was the People’s Granny and it seems only right that we should celebrate her life with a right royal knees up. Also, as Gordon has pointed out, it means that the tax payer isn’t going to have to fork out twice so we can spend the money saved on something meaningful like a Memorial Dome. And I know just where we could find one that’s going cheap.”

Sidebar – Candle in the Wind 2002
Goodbye royal mum
Though I never knew you at all
You did a lot of walkabouts
In your electric car
Stepping out at random
As they pushed you in the crowd
They’d laid a nice red carpet
As they all just scraped and bowed

And it seems to me you lived you life
Like a candle in the rain
Spluttering, almost going out
Then popping up again
And I would have liked to know you but I was just a pleb
And invites went to racing folk and Lord and Earls instead

Goodby gappy Gran
Dentist’s never knew you at all
Which meant you teeth were not too good
Sort of stumpy, worn and brown
You could have got some dentures
Or a nice new set of caps
But you chose to scare the nation
With your choppers like Count Drac’s

Author’s note: I guess my feelings about this at the time were rather obvious from this. It seems a little graceless now.

The British Press captured the mood of whole world today as all peoples of the earth paused to mark the passing of the Queen Mother, who George Bush memorably described as “an enormously rich and privileged old lady”. As the people of UK moved away from hoping that her death was actually a “rather poor quality April Fool’s Day joke organised by Prince Andrew” they took solace from messages of support from around the world.

“Everyone in the UK just assumed that she would be resurrected on Easter Sunday” claimed Derek Gadd author of the recent Daily Mail serialised books on the Monarchy “The House of Windsor. Descendants of God?” and “Is Prince Philip an Astronaut?” “However, it appears that she has decided to remain dead for the time being, just as I predicted some time ago in my new book ‘The Queen Mother will ascend to heaven at Easter’ which is published next week. Given that everyone in the UK will find this a distressing state of affairs, it is important to know that the entire world grieves with us”

Throughout the world the British media were able to interview people who’s lives had been touched by the Queen Mother. In Afghanistan, the Daily Telegraph talked to Mahomed Khan who had stopped work digging his family out of the rubble from the recent earthquake to organise a whip-round. “It was the least I could do” he explained. “It would have felt disrespectful if we couldn’t at least send a bunch of flowers. After all, she did inherit all that wealth and the death of someone that rich and privileged puts our minor difficulties into perspective” he added as he dug the body of his three year old daughter from the rubble.

Within Ramallah, Israeli and Palestinian fighters linked arms and sang a chorus of Rule Britannia for the BBC cameras. “It is important to mark this sad farewell with a gesture of solidarity with the British people” claimed Yusuf Kamil a Palestinian resident. “We can only guess at the suffering of the British people and the huge damage that has been inflicted on their country,” he lamented, adding “Incoming!” as a shell whistled by, landing a few feet away from him. “It is nothing” he claimed, as he was stretchered away clutching his severed leg to his chest and singing “Land of Hope and Glory”. “Go back to your people and help alleviate their pain”

However, in the UK the press has reported widespread anger at the poor quality news reporting by broadcast media. “There have been at least 5 minutes each day which haven’t been devoted to coverage of the Queen Mother’s death, people’s reactions and the minutiae of organising her funeral” claimed Lady Agatha Ponsonby-Smythe in the Daily Telegraph’s 15 page supplement “She is dead! She is dead! Oh Lordy, she is dead!” “I call that a grave dereliction of duty which the people of the UK will not tolerate. I mean I may have inherited riches and privilege but it’s nothing compared to the Queen Mother. She deserves the full nine yards. And she lived through the war you know, and there’s not many people you can say that about.” Prince Charles is also reported to be furious that “the BBC only saw fit to broadcast news bulletins for 15 consecutive hours. She didn’t hang on for over 100 years simply to have the BBC refuse to move their scheduling of Dog eat Dog.”

However, from the rest of the world, the most touching tribute to the graciousness of the Queen Mother came from the President of Zimbabwe. “I always find it hard to bear when an unelected leader dies whilst still on official duty” he announced. “I shall be personally sending a group of 50 Zanu PF election officials to check for any signs of foul play. And as an act of solidarity I am putting my own name forward as King Robert the First, the Queen Father”

Author’s note: I cannot emphasise enough how much I dislike the media. Left or right. State sponsored or privately owned. Their purpose is to distort facts to support their beliefs and make you, yes you, feel miserable and dissatisfied. If you want to be happier – stop watching the news, stop listening to the news, stop reading newspapers and stay away from Twitter. Your life will improve immeasurably.

Needless to say, Tom hated this and it was never published

Politicians and pundits reacted with horror today at a new report that claimed the UK “wasn’t too bad really” and that “you could do a lot worse, you know?” An almost apoplectic Tony Blair declared “This is just the sort of nonsense that we’ve spent years trying to counter. How on Earth can we justify higher taxes, greatly increased legislation and blame the Tories for everything if people go round believing things aren’t as bad as we’re telling them they are?”

The Conservative leader, Iain Duncan Smith, also attacked the report’s findings. “Wherever you go in Britain, not that you can easily of course with the practically defunct transport system, you find crack addicted babies, gun-toting youths stealing mobile phones and dead and dying patients littering our filthy, useless hospitals. And this is all the fault of the Government. Dangerous talk that the UK is not too bad will only encourage complacency and prevent people voting Conservative in the next election”

The report, written by a recently graduated researcher, Martin Clifford, was unusual in that it was based on objective research and approached the subject from a position of studious neutrality. The report compared the living conditions in the UK with those around the rest of the world and found that in general they compared favourably. However, the report has angered almost all influential groups, including Mr. Clifford’s employer a government sponsored think-tank called Doomwatch. Doomwatch’s president, Professor Clive Slater, claimed that the report was in draft only and was now being extensively rewritten by more seasoned researchers and that Mr. Clifford had been suspended. “Our job is to highlight problem areas that require Government intervention. We certainly don’t expect our researchers to produce this sort of rubbish. Especially when we have a funding application being reviewed”

Help the Aged has also been angered by the report’s claims that the “Good old days weren’t all that great, either”. “That’s the problem with young people today. They don’t appreciate how much better life was when we had widespread disease, malnutrition and poverty. Two-fifths of our children might have died before the age of eight and most old people might have lived in pain and abject poverty but we were happy.”

The media has also denied the reports claims that they overuse hyperbole and exaggeration. “It’s ridiculous to say that we claim every minor event is a world changing drama” claimed Piers Morgan as he leafed through his thesaurus of ‘Disaster, Crisis and Horror’. Mr. Morgan was editing the Daily Mirror’s shock investigation into “Third World Britain – How Crime Lurks on Every Street Corner” but reminded readers that “The Mirror features plenty of feel-good stories, just look at the amusing piece about a kitten on page 15.”

Mr Clifford came out in strong a strongly worded defence of his study, however, claiming that journalists used these techniques to sell more papers, special interest groups to get funds and politicians and the legislature to generate work for themselves. “I mean they need to keep making up new laws or else half of them would be unemployed. And let’s be honest, we’ve probably got enough laws already and the new ones we get don’t work very well anyway. We’d probably just do better applying the existing ones more intelligently”

As Mr Clifford was driven from his office by politicians, civil servants and journalists jabbing sharpened sticks at him, Tony Blair moved to assure the public that things really were as bad as they were being told. “After all” he explained, “if they weren’t, Parliament would be completely irrelevant to most people, wouldn’t it?”

Author’s note: Tony Blair’s government at this stage was moving enthusiastically into improving society by regulation and targets, rather than actually changing things in ways that might do good, but upset voters. A trend that continues to this day. This seemed a logical extension of that idea. I just didn’t expect it to be taken up so enthusiastically by the Chinese Government.

The Government has announced that in an effort to crack down on juvenile crime and provide a safer environment, in future they would be licensing children. Anyone wishing to have children will have to apply for a “child-test” and pass a set of rigorous exams to exercise “parenting skills, discipline and allegiance to the rule of law and Her Majesty’s Government – but especially the allegiance to Her Majesty’s Government bit”

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, standing with his family on the steps of Downing Street and holding four, freshly-minted “offspring permits” explained the thinking behind the new system. “We are not trying to limit the fecundity of the populace. However, with freedom comes responsibility and in future we shall ensure that only those who will make responsible parents will be allowed to have children. And furthermore, those with children displaying anti-social behaviour will have those children impounded and possibly distributed to more suitable parents”

Mr. Blair claimed that the move had been forced on the Government by the “utter lawlessness of most kids today”. He also explained that the laws of economics must be applied, although only in a “caring and compassionate way, obviously”. “If a child grows up and gets a job they contribute to society but if they run around bashing grannies over the head and pinching mobile phones they are a cost to society. By making sure that only suitable people can have children we will simultaneously reduce crime, halt population growth, cut unemployment benefit and help the elderly by providing a population of radiant, happy workers contributing to the pension pool,” he finished, his eyes flashing Prime Ministerial zealotry.

Iain Duncan Smith however stated his immediate opposition to the scheme claiming it was fundamentally flawed and would be create a society of mindless, Government supporting zombies. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of it when we were in power” he lamented as his four children were removed from his care to be “managed” by Alastair Campbell.

The Government however denied that the move was an overreaction that would create massive social unrest. “Just look at the huge waiting lists for couples wanting to adopt children,” claimed a spokesman. “This move will create thousands of new Government sponsored orphans at a stroke. We will also be seeking to privatise the service as soon as possible and utilise existing web-based baby adoption facilities, thereby creating a new export industry and generating excellent revenues.” He also announced that a number of seized children would be made available on a rental basis for busy executives couples who wanted the fulfilment of having a child, but didn’t want the emotional commitment, massive time investment or mess and discomfort associated with producing them yourself. The newly created Battersea Child’s Home would provide a repository of the most winsome and appealing children who would be available for rent and marketed seasonally with slogans such as “Our kids are for Christmas, not for life”.

As the first child collection units began to make their way through the streets and the queues of childless couples clutching their Labour membership cards waited for the first consignment of Kids-U-Like, Mr. Blair looked across the streets spread his arms and declared “Suffer the children and bring them unto me. Now who wants this lovely young orphan? A bargain at £100 per day.”

Author’s note.: This was another one of my articles promoting free-trade and globalisation – an unpopular cause then and even more so now, despite it’s ability to lift the vast majority of humanity out of poverty. But still, don’t let a few facts get in the way of ideology. Tom declared it boring and unfunny, but I rather liked the idea of a group of finance directors abseiling down Nelson’s Column unfurling a banner reading “Ralph Nader’s a lying bag of shit.”

A group representing the 50 largest companies in the world confirmed that they would be dropping positive marketing techniques currently used by the industry and switching to a system consisting of “lies, poor science and slagging off anyone who disagrees with us.”

A spokesman for the group, Alastair Liddle-Tomkins, explained that market research revealed that despite years of advertising featuring happy smiley people and promoting optimism, most people still assumed that multinationals were a bunch a “rapacious, lying toe-rags who would skin their own Mothers alive if they thought it would make them a buck.” Contrarily, people identified protesting groups with struggle, honesty and abstinence, no matter how many times they were shown to have lied, exaggerated or simply made up a convenient fact. Research also confirmed that people are born pessimists who are more enthusiastic about doom than joy.

“Showing people a positive image does nothing to help, so we have decided to adopt the same tactics as the protestors,” Mr Liddle-Tomkins said. He then went on to outline some of the initial campaigns that the group would be undertaking. “We shall start with a pro-Globalisation riot in the centre of London sometime in the next couple of months. We shall be setting up a series of covert websites to advertise the event and shall be taxiing in the well heeled from around the country to take part. Whilst we abhor the use of violence we believe that it may be necessary to make our point and so we have hired a Milwall ‘Firm’ with our members adopting a consultative and management role rather than actually carrying out hands-on disruption. Initial trials with Sir John Browne, chief executive of BP, standing behind a group of skinheads shouting, ‘Go on hit him! And again, but this time kick him in the nuts’ have proved very successful.”

Other techniques that the group has taken from the protestors include the use of “Highly selective statistics whereby we will pull out a single number from many thousands and claim that it is the representative one. New Labour have been able to provide us with a lot of advice on this”. Mr Liddle-Tomkins was also enthusiastic about bad-mouthing and belittling the competition. “Frankly, anyone can see that Greenpeace are a bunch of lying, drug-addled hippies who have never done an honest days work in their lives and use anti-whale hunting protests as an excuse for a nice sunny holiday where you can buy cheap hash. And what about the environmental conferences? You never hear of one being organised in Scunthorpe, do you? They’re always in bloody Costa-Rica or Thailand”

The use of “daft stunts” is also being planned with a number of finance directors planning to abseil down Nelson’s Column unfurling a banner reading “Ralph Nader’s a lying bag of shit.” A not-free festival is also being organised for the summer where activists will gather in traditional clothing and eat lukewarm food in the pouring rain whilst listening to an eclectic set of music. “Actually it’s just the usual Glyndebourne festival” confirmed Mr Liddle-Tomkins “But we’ll make sure that we shove in a couple of incoherent speeches promoting globalisation during the concert this year”

For Greenpeace, Charles Secret, expressed dismay at the tactics adopted by the multi-nationals. “This really isn’t fair” he wailed. “I mean if they carry on slagging me off like this, I’ll never get that lucrative new job as an environmental advisor to Shell when I’ve finished with this bunch of deadbeats”

Author’s note: I wondered if I’d kept a copy of this. We used to get a lot of submissions from readers and they usually weren’t very good. However, this one had a single paragraph that survived after I rewrote (or “polished”) it – the one about Lewis Collins. I liked it, but Tom didn’t and it never made the cut.

Following on from its announcement of the deployment of a further of 1700 Royal Marine commandos in Afghanistan, the Government confirmed today that it had issued call-up papers to a number of leading thespians who would spearhead a tactical actorly assault on the region. Amongst celebrities recalled to military service so far are Lewis Collins, Sean Bean, Robson Greene and Jerome Flynn.

Collins, veteran hard man of cult 70’s TV series ‘the Professionals’, portrayed an SAS captain in the 1980 film ‘Who Dares Wins’. The realism of his performance won plaudits from within the military and it is thought that this was a contributing factor to his call up yesterday. Collins, who was recently performing in pantomime at Brighton, was unavailable for comment, although his agent announced that Mr Collins was ‘growing a new pair of sideburns’ in anticipation. On the washing line at the rear of Collins’ home could be seen a freshly washed black balaclava and shoulder holster, alongside his trademark black polo neck jumper. Shouts of `Go! Go! Go!’ could be heard from inside.

Sheffield hard man Sean Bean portrayed SAS soldier Andy McNab in the film of McNab’s bestseller ‘Bravo Two Zero’. He also won awards for his performance as Napoleonic soldier, Richard Sharpe, in the highly regarded TV series of the well-known books. Military plans have been made for Bean, a self styled ‘bit of rough’, to seduce Taliban leaders’ wives in efforts to obtain vital intelligence, before nobly leading a squad of faceless extras previously seen in ‘A History of Britain’ to be brutally slaughtered in battle on Afghanistan’s plains.

Robson Greene and Jerome Flynn, of ‘Soldier Soldier’ fame, have also been called up, with the boot faced Jerome being made Sergeant to Greene’s Captain. This is expected generate a suitable dramatic tension between them, particularly when they both clash over the love of a beautiful aid worker, to be played by Amanda Holden. The group are hoping to be deployed in the forthcoming `Operation Bittersweet’, where their ability to mix light drama, music and adultery, with a touch of pathos, is hoped to be a major asset.

However, it is believed that plans for retaliation by the Taliban are already underway. A number of “celebrity sleepers” have been placed in Western countries and are currently being activated. The first outrage took place outside a Mosque in Birmingham last night, when Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, was seen to walk into a popular local bar, pull out an acoustic guitar from under his coat and launch into a version of ‘Morning has Broken’. Terrified victims fled only to be confronted by a group of Mullahs outside the bar singing an acapella version of the song “Feelings”.

Tony Blair denied reports that the actors call up was simply a gimmick designed to raise an upswelling of patriotism to distract the country from domestic issues. Appearing on the floor of the House of Commons dressed in a suit of armour and wearing a crown he explained, “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of Edinburgh. Oh bugger, can you prompt me Alastair, darling?”

Author’s note: Zimbabwe was holding corrupt elections and it was Oscar time. What better opportunity than to combine the two? I was rather pleased with this, but Tom completely rewrote it. Plus ca change.

A surprised president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed today that Robert Mugabe had “totally cleaned up” at the 2002 Oscar ceremony and won over 15 awards including Best Actor, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay and Best Serial Dictator, a category previously not seen at the Academy. Mr. Frank Pierson confirmed that an immediate inquiry had been launched to establish whether “corrupt voting practices” were to blame. “If they are, we will adopt the same robust position as the Commonwealth and chuck him out of the Academy in the hope that if we ignore him, he’ll just go away”.

The news follows on the back of revelations that the Oscar ceremony had already descended into a murky world of vote-trading, smear campaigns and voter intimidation. It is believed that in an attempt to influence the fortunes of his own films David Geffen of Dreamworks hired “some guys who know all about this stuff” from the Zanu PF party to act as “Oscar marketing consultants”. However, it now appears that these advisors were unable to do anything to help Dreamworks’ execrable output and simply resorted to type, adopting the slogan “Vote Mugabe”

Reports that the Glitterati of Hollywood had been herded into a large stadium by “film veterans” and forced to register their votes for Mr Mugabe have been categorically denied by him. However, a distraught Ron Howard has condemned the tactics used by Zanu PF as the worst he has ever seen “except for the ones adopted by Miramax, obviously”. However, other academicians were more favourable with Russell Crowe commenting wittily that “If it means I don’t have to sit through 5 hours of twats blubbing and thanking their Mothers, that’s fine by me. They can keep their fucking Oscars the fucking bunch of fuckers.”

Following on from Mr. Mugabes success at the Oscars it was announced that Zanu PF would be moving into film production full time. “We want to be seen as serious film makers” explained Didymus Mutasa, formerly Zanu PF’s secretary for external relations, wearing a cap, plus fours and clutching a megaphone and an Agfa ‘Moviematic’ Super 8 camera. “We expect to attract all the best Hollywood talent and will not be making political statements but providing wholesome entertainment that the entire family can enjoy.” The first film, “Robert Mugabe – My Struggle”, will feature Denzel Washington as Mr Mugabe and Alan Rickman as Tony Blair with Jeremy Irons as Ian Smith. “I wanted to make my portrayal of Ian Smith as realistic as possible,” explained Mr Irons. “So I am grateful to Mr Mugabe for his insight and guidance regarding Mr. Smith’s character. I hadn’t realised that when he was Prime Minister he wore a monocle, insisted on dressing in black and bought a large white Persian cat to every cabinet meeting. I was also unaware of his secret underground lair hidden in the centre of the Chimanimani Mountains.”

Mr. Mugabe denied he was adopting the “tactics of the despot” and simply making propaganda films to further idolise him. “It’s rubbish” he claimed “In fact, I guarantee that my films will have the same levels of realism, accuracy and impartiality as any produced in Hollywood”

Author’s note: I am no more likely to go hunting than I am to go naked salsa dancing in Iran. I hate hunting. But I also know people who don’t and I am aware that foxes are cruel hunters that can horribly kill and injure a wide variety of wildlife. It is legal to destroy them and hunting seems as effective a method as any other, possibly less cruel or dangerous than shooting, poison, snares etc. So despite my personal dislike, I could see no logical or moral reason to ban it. The people who wanted to ban it seemed to object to the ceremony and the type of people who liked hunting. In many ways, it was the start of the Brexit dilemma, where the people outside London rebelled against being told what to do by those in London. Also, it was a great opportunity for me to slag off the hypocrisy of cat owners

Following bitter divisions between MP’s and complaints from the House of Lords and countryside groups, the Government has drafted a set of proposals that it hopes will enable it to offer a “third way” between blood sports and their abolition. Denying charges of political cowardice, the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, explained that whilst he personally “disliked hunting, the countryside and all that awful mud”, he felt that “simple country folk” should be offered a way to release their “obvious homicidal instincts probably caused by lack of access to a decent theatre, restaurant or wine bar”.

Mr Blair claimed that the proposals had been drawn up with the full consultation of people who understood the countryside, including “my gardener, the owner of the local plant nursery and, of course, Peter Mandelson, who loves nothing more than a good yomp through the countryside in his Range Rover”. The first alternative to hunting with dogs is to offer hunting with cats. “Cats are nature’s cruellest hunters and are likely to provide hours of entertainment for spectators as they play mercilessly with their prey before killing it. Furthermore, as most suburban anti-hunt protestors own a cat and don’t have a problem with them massacring millions of wild birds and mammals a year, they can’t very well bleat about them being used for hunting, can they?” When questioned about whether a cat would be able to subdue a fox, Mr. Blair admitted that the plan assumed “slightly larger cats than one normally finds in a domestic environment” but claimed that Longleat and Regents Park would be able to supply some suitable animals for early trials.

It was also announced that a new field sport would be introduced based on “marine mechanisms for pest control”. “We shall be employing a number of Norwegian Seal Clubbers to teach our local hunts how to despatch vermin with the use of a traditional ‘Knockenheadin’. Norwegian champion head-basher Sven Svensson explained “Beating foxes to death with clubs will provide an ideal replacement for the barbaric practice of using dogs – it’s effective, it’s humane and, let’s face it, it’s great fun. What could present a better picture of the rural idyll than a gaggle of rosy-cheeked children cheerfully beating a terrified animal to death. Just look at how it’s helped the Norwegian tourist industry”

Mr Blair did, however, deny that the Government was considering allowing dog hunting using foxes. “Frankly, the initial trials weren’t very successful,” he admitted. “It was unfortunate that the Queen Mother was visiting that day, but still, I’m sure she won’t miss a couple of those Corgis”

On being asked why people couldn’t just carry on destroying foxes as vermin in the countryside the way they always had done, Mr. Blair responded angrily “That’s not the point. Chasing a fox mercilessly across terrain and killing it with a pack of dogs is clearly much crueller than chasing it mercilessly across terrain and shooting it and I can’t abide cruelty. Just ask Stephen Byers”

Author’s note: Poor Winona went mad and got caught shoplifting and never really recovered. This was a news in brief article that took the mickey, whilst also highlighting her feud with Gwynnie.

A distraught and tearful Winona Ryder was led away from the 2002 Oscar ceremony by security guards after being caught in possession an Oscar statuette believed to belong to Gwyneth Paltrow. Ms. Paltrow had bought the statuette in “to show her friend Winona just how pretty it was up close, as Noni hadn’t had the opportunity of handling one before”. As Ms. Paltrow disappeared to the ladies room to apply some “no-run” mascara, Ryder was seen to slip the statue under the hem of her “voluminous” dress that she later claimed to be wearing as it was “vintage St. Laurent”. Ms. Ryder then wandered off with her hands in her pockets, whistling ostentatiously. When confronted by security, she claimed she was “simply keeping the poxy thing safe and it was hers anyway as she was the first to have been offered the ‘Shakespeare in Love’ role which that bitch Paltrow had stolen from her”. A subsequent search revealed that Ms. Ryder was also wearing fifteen other dresses ‘with the labels removed’ and had twenty-two other Oscar statuettes, fifteen bottles of champagne and the entire cast of Riverdance secreted under her outfit.