Author’s note: Louis XIV’S finance minister, Jean-Baptiste Colbert, famously declared that “the art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing.” And yet people always want higher spending (especially on the NHS) and enthusiastically endorse higher taxes, just for everybody else. Add to that the perverse incentives within the Civil Service to measure your importance by your budget, and you have an ongoing recipe for complaint.

Outraged taxpayers launched an all out war on Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s budget proposals today. Rodney de Plume, described as “an exceedingly rich but jolly hard working fifth generation land owner”, attacked the “profits” made by what he called “an unregulated financial monopoly – the UK treasury”. He demanded that competition be introduced to the tax market allowing businesses and individuals to select different tax regimes offering different levels of public service. “I can afford my own private hospital, fully equipped and staffed with devoted Asian nurses,” explained Mr. de Plume. “So why the Hell should I pay the Government to provide me with some grotty hovel in the centre of Birmingham?”

Derek Gadd, a self-employed plumber from Bermondsey, agreed and spoke for many when he lamented “When I said I wanted higher spending on the NHS, I never expected it to be paid for by me. I mean, I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously when I said I’d be prepared to pay higher taxes in return for better public services. I just assumed they’d hammer fat cats like Rupert Murdoch.” When the Brains Trust contacted Mr. Murdoch to see whether Mr. Brown’s extra penny on National Insurance would affect him, there appeared to be a loud, spluttering guffaw at the other end of the phone. Mr. Murdoch then revealed that he had not paid any taxes since 1978 and even that was a mistake after he’d discovered he couldn’t claim back the VAT on a Mars Bar which he’d purchased and lost the receipt

Gordon Brown reacted angrily to the attacks on his budget and claims that the Government would simply fritter the money away. Mr. Brown thundered that “This Government will not waste the taxpayers hard earned money on spin. We are committed to saving the NHS not deluding the public with cheap gimmicks and tricks”. He went on to illustrate his point by holding a pink piggy bank in one hand and a large hammer in the other whilst standing over a dying patient, Mr. Alex Rowe, in his hospital bed surrounded by a large group of “unusually pretty” nurses. “What would these people want me to do? Save the pig or save the patient?” Mr. Brown then started waving the hammer between the pig and Mr. Rowe’s head chanting “Pig? Patient? Pig? Patient?” and with a final flourish he announced “Let the patient live!” and brought the hammer down on the piggy bank as he showered Mr. Rowe and the nurses with “oodles and oodles of lovely cash”

Mr. Brown, accompanied by his press secretary, treasury secretary and 3 administrative assistants “to carry all our stuff”, also went on to explain how taxpayer’s money would not be wasted on “pointless paperwork”. “Even though most people will hardly miss the piddlingly small amounts of tax we collect, we shall be instituting hundreds of new performance measures and large numbers of new review bodies to ensure the money is being spent as efficiently as possible. We shall be recruiting hundreds of new auditors to make sure that the extra money in the Health Service is not being frittered away on administrators and managers. By ensuring that doctors are under constant supervision and have many more review forms to complete we can make sure that they are not wasting their time on administration but getting on with the real job of tending the sick.”

Iain Duncan Smith, however, attacked the budget and claimed that that the Conservatives would definitely abolish taxes when they came to power. He categorically denied that he was simply “making up any old rubbish” as they didn’t have a chance of getting in power and claimed that the Conservatives had adopted a pragmatic approach in response to voters concerns. “We shall be replacing tax with the Government Loyalty Card scheme whereby people will gain ‘Torypoints’ for each day worked and these can be bartered for public services when the consumer needs them. People in vital industries such as nurses or teachers would even get double bonus points with extra airmiles” he added, whilst being egged on by Oliver Letwin and Michael Howard with the words of “Nice idea, boss”.

The Prime Minister, however, declared the Tory’s scheme unworkable and claimed that the public would see through their “lies”. “The British public knows this Government is committed to getting the right levels of investment in the health service. After all, if this buggers up the rest of the economy, we’ll need a good hospital when the electorate get their hands on us”

Author’s note: There was a campaign against forced marriages, and I wondered if you could write a silly article where useless men felt they’d been forced into marriage by their mother’s or girlfriends. Despite many rewrites it always ended up sounding like an extended mother-in-law joke, so it was quietly dropped

Countries from across the globe launched a set of initiatives to protect the status of marriage today. Within Europe, the EU declared a set of decrees designed to outlaw “forced” marriages. However within the US, President Bush announced that to reduce the number of single parent families, marriage would be encouraged via a set of tax breaks, insurance incentives and a new Federal body known as “the White House dating agency”. “We’re not calling it forced marriage” claimed Mr. Bush “We’re just saying that if you want your kids to get access to healthcare, schooling and not have their middle name compulsory changed to ‘Bastard’, you better get yourself hitched”

The new dating agency will be carefully regulated to introduce compatible heterosexual couples and will offer a full service from “first date to marriage”, a process estimated to take “about 4 hours”. John Ashcroft, the new agency’s head explained “Clearly we want to make sure these kids get along but we don’t want to give them the opportunity to have sexual congress before they are joined together in the eyes of the Lord”. It is understood that a number of anti-passion devices will be on hand to limit any lustful situations encountered by the couple. These are thought to include a bucket of cold water, a brass band practising in an adjacent room and a photo of the girl’s mother looking “stern and disapproving”

Within Europe, the UK is the first to announce its plans and David Blunkett explained that he would be concentrating on the problem of forced marriages. “Clearly we are not against arranged marriages” explained Mr. Blunkett to an empty auditorium after he had been pointed in the wrong direction by Stephen Byers. “I will seek to differentiate between these and forced marriages by personally interviewing every candidate that wishes to embark on this type of arrangement. I will be assessing their suitability based on their smell, tone of voice and ability to answer an inane question with a salacious bon mot. Mr Blunkett then went onto introduce “3 lovely lasses who like a laugh” encouraging a welder from Blackburn to consider “Number 2” with the advice “Go on. She smells lovely!”

However, a support group has demanded that more is done to help the “victims of coercion”. An activist for the Men Against Marriage Association (MAMA), Martin Blackburn, claimed that the “the cruel and archaic practice of marriage” should be completely outlawed thereby freeing men to do what they do best “namely nothing”

“Most men in Western countries have been forced into marriage” explained Mr Blackburn. “They can dress it up how they like, but men are given no choice in the matter. It’s either no freedom or no nookie. I stood my ground for ages. I set up a support group ‘Celibates against Celibacy’ offering group rates for members and their right hands. But it was no good. After a while my Mother and girlfriend told me I had to get married and I knew that my time was up. If I said no, I’d never get a roast meal again.”

Mr Blackburn went on to explain how the barbaric practice of husbands hurling themselves onto sacred pyres still existed. “It’s particularly prevalent in the summer when men are expected to light these things and make burnt offerings. The number of victims we’ve got with no eyebrows or unnaturally high foreheads is frightening” he claimed. “And don’t get me started on male circumcision.”

Mr Blackburn finished by demanding more action and stating that MAMA would release a full manifesto for freedom “Just as soon as my wife has gone to work”

Author’s note: Microsoft launched the X-box and Tom demanded a story to cover it. I wrote this and was really pleased with it, but he went with his own story about a seek-and-destory X-box. This was published the following week, and still seems pretty relevant.

In a surprise move today Bill Gates appeared in Gaza City today to announce that Microsoft would be launching its new X-Box terminal as the solution to the Israeli-Palestine conflict. “It’s clear that all these guys want to do is to kick the shit out of each other and with the new X-box console they can do it in virtual hyper reality without leaving the comfort of their own armchair”

Bill Gates was taking part in a unique demonstration of the new games console featuring a networking death-kill game especially written for the X-Box entitled “Die Filthy Scum”. The player has the opportunity to be either a “courageous Israeli soldier” or a “heroic Palestinian freedom fighter”. Apart from the names there is no difference in either of the two characters and both are equipped with similar amounts of weapons, hate and disregard for innocent victims and children. The object of the game is to slaughter as many people from the other side as possible. Bud Crench, head games designer for Microsoft, explained the rules. “Well there aren’t any really. You just try and kill everyone in the opposing camp. Although you get extra points for coming up with good excuses like “That five year old walked towards me in a threatening manner” or “He insulted Allah by urinating in a public convenience facing Mecca”

Both Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon have welcomed the intervention of Microsoft in the conflict, although both have expressed concerns that “it just wont be the same unless you can feel the recoil of the gun against your shoulder”. The effect of the launch was immediately visible in the Gaza strip with the streets becoming cleared within hours and the sounds of computer generated explosions being heard from every household. Assaf Miyara, a corporal in the Israeli Forces, commented “It’s great! I’ve already massacred 15 children and destroyed at least 30 houses with the elderly and the infirm inside”. Form within his flat in Gaza City, Mustapha Husain, a member of Hamas agreed, “The infidels are falling like nine pins” he explained delightedly. “Look! Look at this” he yelled as a computer generated suicide bomber blew himself up in a children’s party.

Within the US, the Government gave a cautious welcome to the X-Box solution, but expressed concern that the prevalence of violent games consoles now meant that teenagers were better equipped to fight a war than most soldiers. “I’ve got my ass whooped 15 times by this little shit” confirmed an exasperated Colin Powell after another defeat at the game “Gulf War Invasion!” by his nephew Errol. “I’m going to get Schwarzkopf and show this sucker the meaning of a Desert Storm”

Within Israel, as night settled, the few remaining peace campaigners could be seen huddled round a number of X-Boxes. “It’s a new game called Peace in our Time” explained Joel Esteron looking up from the console. “But we can’t seem to make it work”

Author’s note: This news in brief article seems rather quaint now, I was outraged by the USA slapping tariffs on steel imports. Now look at where we are

The US announced a series of measures today to help kick start the World economy and avoid recession in “the key voting areas of the US”. The initiative entitled “Fuck the lot of you” comprises of a series tarrifs and import duties designed to cripple the key industries of developing nations. “This is an important step to help protect our mighty steel industry.” explained George Bush. “The fact that it is a tiny part of the US economy, will cause huge amounts of damage to our trading relations with other countries and probably tip the third world into recession is a tough call. But fortunately as none of those guys can vote in the US, I don’t give a stuff”. Mr Bush finished by announcing a further set of initiatives about to be launched to help world trade including tax breaks for any overseas company producing American flags, subsidies for performance enhancing drugs to help the US win even more medals and a special fund to support the writing of patriotic songs.

Author’s note: Zimbabwe was still a member of the Commonwealth, despite the most egregious human rights violations, whilst at the same time the world started to prepare for the invasion of another country

Stung by criticism from around the world of their weak response to the crisis in Zimbabwe, Commonwealth countries have issued a tough new set of sanctions against the regime that “will let Mugabe know exactly how we feel about him”

Speaking on behalf of the Commonwealth, John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, announced that the new sanctions would be tough on the power-brokers of Zimbabwe but easy on the people. “Banning Mugabe from the fish course at the next Commonwealth Conference dinner will be real hard for him. You should have seen him tucking into that Sea Bass, tonight.” he commented. “And reducing the Zimbabwean Government officials cash withdrawal limit from $5,000,000 to $2,000,000 from any Swiss ATM will really cause problems. We’re already hearing stories of horrendous queues backing up in Zurich” Mr Howard then went on to read out the full set of sanctions which appeared to be written on the back of a menu from “Chi-Li’s ‘Hot’ Lap Dancing Bar and Grill”. “Other sanctions will include banning Harare United from the UK Football Premiership League, restricting the sale of hair-care products to the country and – what does that say Thabo? I can’t read your writing, mate – Oh yes – aid money can only be spent on armaments manufactured by a fellow Commonwealth country. Now try and tell me those aren’t going to sting”

An outraged President Mugabe denounced the sanctions as racist and claimed that he would never accept them. “I was really looking forward to the potted shrimp” he spluttered “And clearly this a ploy to help Manchester United avoid the mighty footballers of Harare”. On being asked why the Zimbabwean representative at the Commonwealth had voted for the sanctions himself and had been seen “laughing and dancing with glee” shortly after the result, he explained that “the dance was a tribal curse and I’ll get back to you about the laughing bit later, after I’ve had some more time to think about it”.

The EU has been generally been supportive of the sanctions and is also considering launching its own set of ‘smart sanctions’ against Iraq. President Jacques Chirac announced that France would be unilaterally implementing a set of sanctions, which would include “restricting Iraq to the import of only 75 varieties of cheese and only allowing them to sell wine from second growth Bordeaux vineyards. In addition, he was happy to announce a new humanitarian trading regime which would involve France supplying Iraq with 15 brand spanking new nuclear power stations so it would be able to cope with the forthcoming oil shortage that French economists have predicted to arrive “sometime in the next couple of months.”

The US however has declined to join in with the new sets of sanctions. “Our approach is to go the other way” explained President George Bush. “Instead of denying these countries access to American good and services we shall be exporting them to the heart of these regimes. We’re just getting ready our first consignment of thermonuclear weapons for dropping on Baghdad anytime now”

Author’s note: Ken Livingstone. The gift that kept on giving, although in this case I don’t think the article was published as Tom felt the subject was becoming dull.

Sightings around the world of apparitions resembling Ken Livingstone have led his followers to predict that he will shortly “rise again” and move amongst the population in a mysterious way “to save the world”. Mr Livingstone, who has not been seen in his recognised form of a politician since his election to Mayor in 2000, had been widely reported to have “died and gone to Hell” and it was believed impossible that he could come back to life.

The first recent sightings were recorded in an Orthodox Church on the outskirts of Minsk, Belarus. A statue within the church was transmogrified to a figure resembling Mr. Livingstone and was seen to step down from its pedestal proclaiming, “Verily, shall I turn thy water into wine and I shall quaff unstintingly for as long as the public doth pay me to.” Within Palestine, at an ancient Christian Monastery, worshippers have flocked to a strange painting on the walls similar to Mr. Livingstone that has been reported to declare: “The public-private partnership is the work of Satan who is known as Blair. Thou shalt forsake it.”

Mr Livingstone was originally hailed as a great prophet and Messiah for the City of London. He acquired several high-profile followers, such as Chris Evans, who agreed to hand over their riches to the cause of Livingstaniaty. However, after his adoring public proclaimed him their saviour, the council of Labour Party cast him out as an unbeliever and it was decreed that Mr. Livingstone would be consigned to spend his time in the wilderness. He wandered around the barren halls of Romney House where he became tempted by the forces of Capitalism. Appearances throughout London of a “Livingstone-like figure” clutching bottles of Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1990 and proclaiming he was a star “just like a Hollywood one” were seen as confirmation that he had succumbed to temptation and become yet another born-again capitalist.

However, the recent apparitions are being hailed by the Cult of the Groovy Messiah, formerly known as the Socialist Workers Party of Islington, as proof-positive that Mr. Livingstone is not “as dead as a nail”. Bob Crowe, previously the General Secretary of the RMT Union but now known as ‘Holy Bob – The People’s Pope’, claimed “We have seen the true Ken and he is awaiting the time that he shall be born again. He has moved unto the Unions and given us the ability to speak in ancient tongues not heard since the 1970’s.” At this point Mr Crowe fell to his knees and proclaimed “Verily, he is flitting between this world and the next like a very holy moth. The claims by the unbelievers of Ken roaming the streets courting City bankers and spending his time in posh restaurants, sleeping with top Lib Dem totty are the work of Satan – or at least the right wing media. It is obvious that he has been tested mightily but will now return to us to imbue the Capital with the spirit of socialism”

An encounter between a phantasm resembling Mr. Livingstone and a Brains Trust reporter at the Vatican confirmed that Mr. Livingstone does intend to return from the dead back to public life. “I shall deliver unto the people a tube system that shall get them from one end of the city to the other without major delays, huge ticket prices or conking out on a regular basis. After all, they’ll crucify me if I don’t”

Author’s note: This was never published as Tom either felt it was too frivolous or not frivolous enough. And so, once more, my Ground Force Jihad idea would have to wait.

Donald Rumsfield announced today that the US would move to the next stage of the processing of Al Qaeda prisoners held in camp X-Ray by starting their deprogramming and rehabilitation. “It seems pointless to lock up large numbers of psychopathic mass-murderers when they could be fulfilling a useful role in society” explained Mr Rumsfeld, toying playfully with a very large gun that “his Mom got him for his Birthday”. “After all”, he continued, “we would never have got a man on the moon if we hadn’t used Werner Von Braun and his Nazi rocket technology.”

Initial trial have already begun with the Al Qaeda members undergoing a careful assessment and then being matched to appropriate jobs. The first unit has now been working for several weeks in the Denver Parking Violation hit squad. A group of ten Afghan veterans tour the streets of Denver looking for illegally parked vehicles which they then clear by launching Russian A0-301 Bazooka Missiles at them. “I really enjoy my work” claimed Shaheen Rambandazi, the leader of the group, “It’s great to feel you’re giving something back to the community”. Local resident, Brian D Cobb, Jr. agreed “These guys have really helped keep the streets clear of problem autos. And they cut you a lot more slack than the previous parking attendants. When my neighbour double-parked outside the local liquor store, these guys gave him a ten second start before they went after him. Hell, he never made it, but there’s no way he’d have escaped without an on-the-spot fine from those last sons of bitches”

Several ex-combatants have also been employed in Philadelphia on a trial basis as elevator attendants. Guests at the Pyramid club, the highest restaurant in Pennsylvania, are greeted with a cheery “God is great” followed by a reassuring “Going up!” as the door clangs shut and the high speed elevator rockets them to their destination under the steady control of a former Taliban Warlord. Wal-Mart has also welcomed a group to help with the training programme for its checkout staff. “These guys really understand customer service” claimed H Lee Scott, chief executive officer, as several ex-Taliban fighters shouting “Kill the Infidel” chased a shoplifter from the store and beat him to death on the sidewalk. “We’ve seen a 50% drop in stock-outs and stolen items since these guys came on the case. They really understand the US culture of an eye for an eye and they know how to handle a variety of guns – many of which are on clearout sale in our stores”

Attempts to rehabilitate prisoners in other countries have proved less successful, however. In the UK, the BBC production of “Ground Force Jihad – The Holy War on Weeds” was cancelled after a misunderstanding in language led to the fighters razing Leeds to the ground. However, the Government has proved more successful at acclimatising the Afghans by employing them as spin-doctors. Alastair Campbell, the Prime Minister’s Director of Communications, surrounded by five heavily bearded ‘advisors’ carrying Kalashnikovs and wearing a variety of eye-patches and false limbs, explained “These people are the scum of the earth. They are completely amoral bullies who delight in inflicting pain and torture on helpless individuals and humiliating weaker members of the team. In short, they have the perfect credentials to make them successful political advisors. Isn’t that right, Jo?”

Author’s note: Another article from the News in Brief section inspired by my profound dislike of Jazz.

Distraught jazz fans were reeling in shock after a study confirmed that every jazz performance since 1963 had been of the same piece of music played at different speeds. The piece, believed to be My Funny Valentine, was originally performed by the Chet Baker ensemble as part of its regular repertoire. As Mr. Baker succumbed to drink and drug abuse it emerged that it was the only piece he could actually remember and that he “couldn’t be bothered” to learn any new pieces. Other performers believed this to represent an innovative approach to modern jazz and mimicked Mr. Baker, filling large parts of their performance with entirely random notes or “any old rubbish” that came into their heads. One of the legendary recordings by Miles Davis, “Blue in Green”, actually includes 15 minutes of Mr. Davis “doing the vacuuming” around his New York apartment. Jazz quartets are now scrabbling to try and develop new pieces of music but are expecting that this could take several years, as they have all been too stoned to notice any other songs. Performers have also been dismayed to learn from the study that none of their audience actually listens to any of their music and only attend live performances because of the late bar opening.

Author’s note: Every government needs its plonker. We currently have Chris Grayling, a man so incompetent that he managed to enter a two horse race and come third. But New Labour had Stephen Byers.

Beleaguered Transport Minister Stephen Byers denied reports that he had been given the nickname “Jonah” and was now being linked to every major catastrophe in the world. Issuing a statement from Salt Lake City where he had just finished his coaching session with Clarissa Slocombe-Bell, the British ‘jumping headfirst off a cliff’ finalist, shortly before she fell to her death from a hotel balcony, he claimed “I have the full support of my colleagues Peter Mandelson and Keith Vaz. These are people who have valued my advice over the years and are happy to confirm that they have me to thank for their career progression”

Investigation by the Brains Trust into several recent disasters has revealed a number of suspicious events. In a sound recording of the moments before Chernobyl exploded, a voice very similar to Mr Byers can clearly be heard saying “Oops. I think I’ve just sat on that large red button. I’m sorry, I thought it was a cushion”. Blurred photographs of a Peugeot entering the Seine tunnel shortly before Princess Diana crashed have someone very similar in appearance to Mr Byers behind the wheel and driving on the left-hand side of the road. His association with assisting Congolese President Mobutu Sese Seko with his commitment to “pave all of the roads in Goma” shortly before the volcano erupted has also been noted.

A sheaf of leaked memos has also fallen into the hands of the Brains Trust. The first, a letter from Mr Byers to General Galtieri in 1981, advises him that the UK would be “happy to get shot of the Falkland Islands. Just go and take it. No one will give a stuff.” Another, addressed to Mr.Saddam Hussein, Iraq, confirms that “no one would notice if you did invade Kuwait. I’m sure the US will support you in this.”

Mr Byers, however, has come out fighting, explaining that it was ridiculous to associate him with every catastrophe that has happened in the last few years. “I’m telling you those Enron accounts were fine when I was asked to have a look at them” he claimed as he attempted to put out a small fire that had started in the waste-paper bin under his desk. “And I swear that bath I ran for Princess Margaret was nice and cool when I tested it. And as for that nonsense about using a Primus stove on a train in Egypt. That was simply bad luck.” Mr Byers did concede that some of the events did appear to show “a certain unfortunate happenstance.” However, he was sure that his latest plans to “re-introduce the poll tax and provide Government subsidies for tobacco companies, Formula One and foreign steel producers campaigning for the destruction of the British steel industry” would meet with the approval of the British public.

The Conservatives however were quick to heap opprobrium on Mr Byers. “If only I hadn’t listened to the siren voice of Byers and concentrated on domestic issues rather than the Euro, I’d probably be Prime Minister now” claimed a despondent William Hague. Speaking from his cell in the Hague, Slobodan Milosevic claimed that if he had ignored Mr Byers’ ideas on a Greater Serbia and “just stuck to trying to get into the EU like my wife said” he wouldn’t be facing charges of genocide now.

Tony Blair, speaking from a specially reinforced “anti-Byers bunker” as the Department of Transport building burst into flames behind him, explained that Stephen Byers still had his full support. To prove it he had selected him to review the nation’s space transport policy and would be putting him on “the next available shuttle, so he can spend a nice long time in the International Space Station”

Author’s note: Once again, it is amusing to see how history repeats itself, and how quickly. We currently have Dominic Cummings, who is believed to be wholly different from previous political advisors…oh….ah

The entire Civil Service handed itself over to the authorities and demanded political asylum during a flexitime break today. As the whole population of Whitehall crammed into a small Portakabin in Dover, Sir Richard Wilson, head of the civil service, declared that the political corruption and bullying in the country had made their situation untenable. “It is time that we are allowed to live in a place of freedom and democracy without fear of repression, influence or having to work later than 5PM”.

Outside observers have been increasingly alarmed at the heightened ethnic tensions and infighting within the legislature. Two principal ethnic group, political advisors and civil servants have been engaged in vicious memo-to-memo combat and the two leaders, Jo Moore and Martin Sixsmith, have issued bellicose statements encouraging their supporters to take no prisoners. Although, allegedly an impartial observer, the Government has clearly been influencing the combat and providing ammunition to whichever side seemed to have the upper hand. It seems increasingly likely that voters will impose sanctions unless the situation is resolved rapidly.

Further issues are arising as the immigration authorities struggle to cope with a massive influx of inappropriately skilled refugees who must be found a place in the community. Attempts to get the civil servants to perform simple unskilled labour have met with disaster. Press secretaries given jobs as window cleaners have simply stood at the top of the ladder and issued statements on the condition of the window at hourly intervals and set performance targets as to how clean the window will be in 5 years time. Political advisors asked to “collect some litter” have redesignated the litter as “potential recycling material” and claimed that it is now “the Ministry of the Environment’s problem”.

The local community is also up in arms at having to support the former civil servants. “They are freeloaders and scroungers who don’t know what an honest days work is and are living off hard earned taxpayers money” claimed local resident Edna Trugg. When asked by the Brains Trust whether the asylum seekers should be returned to their place of origin and resume their original jobs, a surprised Mrs Trugg explained that she wasn’t aware they’d left them and that was what she’d been talking about.

On a positive note, the sudden reduction in administration and bureaucracy has greatly increased the efficiency of all aspects of the country. Three hundred and seventy two new acts of Parliament that had been backed up for over two years in committee stage have been approved in under 24 hours. Opera companies, farmers and lesbian dance collectives have had to try and survive without government subsidies and have immediately gone bust. The country’s GDP has also risen 23% as a result of not having to pay any taxes.

Within London, joyful housing developers started to construct “modern, light and airy 300 storey tenement blocks” in the centre of Hyde Park and mobs of self appointed “Justice Deliverers” held open air trials and executions of “anyone who knows what the word Paedophile means”. As hospitals eagerly adopted new customer-centric healthcare practices and threw out anyone who hadn’t arrived in a Mercedes, some concerns were expressed as to the absence of the legislature. Tony Blair said that he would be looking into these concerns very carefully just as soon as he’d signed the emergency order appointing himself Lifelong President and Leader of the Empire.