Author’s note: OK – this was written in 2003. Bear that in mind. It almost certainly would be written like this today. That said, there was genuine consternation that a black senior army officer had agreed to serve in George Bush’s government. However, the point of the article was to try and satirise the prevailing view of blacks in the US by the white political class. Then Obabma won!

White House officials reacted with anger today at the decision of Colin Powell to “come out of the closet” during a recent MTV interview and declare that he was ready to “say I’m just as black as the next man. Assuming that person is a black man, obviously”. A clearly aghast Donald Rumsfeld declared “As far as I am concerned he can get right back in the closet and start behaving like a white guy again”

Rumours regarding Mr. Powell’s ethnicity had been circulating Washington for several years now, with several satirical programmes and scandal sheets making veiled references to a “black day” or “dark times ahead” for him. However, Mr. Powell had refused to discuss all matters relating to his pigmentation, deflecting criticism by pointing to his liking for Abba and fondness for cardigans. It is clear, however, that those working closely with Mr. Powell never suspected that he may be really be a black man. A spokesman for the White House maintained that although Mr. Powell “displayed some pretty weird pinko-liberal views, like supporting the use of condoms, we never assumed he’d go this far”.

John Ashcroft, US Attorney General, and long known for his trenchant views on race was amazed at Mr. Powell’s decision to confirm his colour. “He never gave us the slightest cause to doubt. He displayed no interest in rap, he never referred to his wife as a ‘Ho’ and he even looked like a white guy. We expect our black politicians to behave like Al Sharpton or Marion Barry. What the Hell is the point in having stereotypes if people don’t live up to them? I mean what else are we going to find in the Cabinet? Gays? Democrats? Women? It just doesn’t bear thinking about. Hey Condeleeza, honey, can I get a Cappuccino lite, please?”

Black politicians also expressed surprise at Mr. Powell’s declaration. Jesse Jackson was so surprised that he immediately took a vow of silence only breaking it after several minutes of intense personal struggle because “he’d thought of something to say”. “Where was Colin Powell when we needed a role model for our young people? What kind of example is a man who would rather become Joint Chief of Staff and the fourth most powerful man in the country when he could have been grandstanding and speechmaking on the Million Man March”

There is now a real fear within the White House that Mr. Powell could become an activist promoting equal rights. “This could cause real problems for our relationship with business” claimed Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill “I mean have you ever seen the executive board of a major corporation? Most of these people have never met a black guy and that’s exactly how they want to keep it. God knows what this will do to corporate contributions to the Republican Party.”

A solemn George Bush made a brief statement saying that “Despite his ethnic proclivities, Mr. Powell still has my full support. However, I would just remind him that it’s called the ‘White’ House for a reason”.

Author’s note: This was another title suggested by Meg and then written up by me. I was very uncertain about the whole thing, but Tom was adamant that I should write it. Anyway, I’m still not too sure, but it was very popular for some reason

Bewildered leaders of France, Switzerland, and Denmark all have released statements taking exception to George Bush’s declaration that their nations constitute an “axis of cheese” and should undergo an immediate embargo. Mr Bush called upon the United Nations to immediately form a group of “International Cheese Inspectors” and respond to the cheese-threat by deploying a dairy-produce intervention force.

Analysts were wrong footed by Mr Bush’s announcement and were immediately scurrying to find other nations who might be at risk from the embargo. “We were expecting an ‘Evil Empire’ or maybe even a ‘Rogue States’ type list. But cheese – I mean what can you say – we never expected that” said Christiane Amanpour, CNN’s chief international correspondent.

Other countries reacted with a mixture of relief and disappointment at their non-inclusion on the list. Gerhard Schroeder, the Chancellor of Germany, exclaimed “Doesn’t he know that Germany produces some of the World’s finest cheeses? Has he never heard of Weichkaese, Edelpilz or Doppelrhamstufe? This list of cheese-makers is completely arbitrary and excludes Germany and many of its allies in the cheese-production industry – Austria, Hungary and the Czech Republic.” However, Italy declared that as Mozzarella and Parmesan had such widespread use, they could no longer be considered Italian cheeses and Italy should not be considered a cheese-making nation at all. “Pasta’s more our thing, nowadays.” mused Silvio Berlusconi “That and endemic Government corruption”.

The UK however immediately agreed to co-operate with the US and confirmed that it was closing down it’s main cheese making facilities in Cheddar Gorge. Furthermore, it had started extradition hearings for Little Miss Muffit who had been found in possesion of ‘curds and whey’ believed to be the main ingredients of cheese and other ‘cheese making equipment’.

Some countries greeted the list with suspicion, however. North Korea claimed that the creation of an Axis of Cheese was simply a “stupid attempt to undermine real terrorist regimes by making them appear irrelevant.” Kim Jong-il addressed a mass gathering in Pyongyang by declaring “This axis of cheese is designed to make it look like the US is ignoring us and judges us as weak and feeble. Mr Bush should fear us very much. Doesn’t he know we have over a dozen inter-continental nuclear missiles at a base just South of Taebong? Oh. Erm. Hang on. I think that’s supposed to be a secret”

From the Pentagon, George J Tenet confirmed that the US would be publicly pursuing the members of the Axis of Cheese and would provide regular press briefings and escorted trips to the cheese facilities. “We want you guys in the press to keep a close eye on these Cheesemongers. It’s your national duty to make sure that they know that the clear searchlight of democracy shines upon them. That will allow us in the CIA to concentrate on less important things – like interrogating Taliban prisoners”

Author’s note: I loved this article and it is particularly apt at the moment.

Several hundred self-appointed experts in microbiology, bacteriology and virology today raised concerns over the affect the MMR vaccine could have on children’s development. The group, made up entirely of middle-class parents who had “read an article in the Daily Mail” or “heard something at the Health Club and Organic Brasserie down the road”, issued a robust statement criticising the Government’s health policy which was immediately endorsed by the Conservative Party.

The group are lead by Dr Armistice De’Jeune whose research into MMR was prompted by the experience of his own son proving to be “a bit of a thicko at school”. Dr De’Jeune explained that prior to having the MMR vaccine at 3 years old, his son, Torquil, had been “bright and alert and clearly much more gifted than other children, especially those of my brother St. John and his lovely-bloody wife Tara with their detached house in Richmond and double income from their investment banking jobs”. After the vaccine, Dr DeJeune’s son started to attend school where he displayed an unhealthy interest in flatulence and routinely came bottom of the class. “This is clearly the fault of the MMR vaccine. Before it poisoned his mind he loved nothing better than to sit down with a copy of Dostoyevsky and listen to the Ring Cycle. We could often hear him banging along to the tune on his locked bedroom door while we entertained our luncheon guests downstairs”

Dr. DeJeune declared that the Government had deliberately ignored him after he had presented several hundred cases of children who had shown a reaction to the vaccine. “These children and their parents have suffered terrible hardships. Some kids have developed a nasty rash, others a bit of a cough, many of them have subsequently displayed no talent at football and been utterly useless at art or modern languages. Worse still, the majority have failed to get into a decent public school”

Speaking on behalf of the Conservatives, shadow Health Secretary, Liam Fox, said he fully supported Dr DeJeune and denied charges of political opportunism. “This is a serious matter and we are highlighting genuine concerns from potential Tory voters. We would never stoop to the gimmicks and spin-doctoring of Labour”, he claimed clutching a large scythe and wearing a deaths-head mask and hooded cowl bearing the inscription “Abandon all hope!”. Dr Fox also denied that this was a blatant attempt to win back the votes of young families with small children. “It’s rubbish to say we’re out of touch with younger voters. Didn’t you know I used to go out with Natalie Imbruglia? You can’t get much hipper than that”

Tony Blair responded angrily to the Conservative’s criticism, claiming it was an irresponsible attitude that put lives at risk. He finished by explaining that he was completely committed to the other members of his cabinet subjecting their children to the MMR vaccination programme. “After all, I want to see what happens to their kids, first”

Author’s note: Looking at this now, it seems both prescient and naive

The USA admitted today that it was undergoing treatment for “clinical psychotic paranoia” and would be removing itself from world affairs until it could “sit in a room with a nuclear button and not have to be restrained from pressing it”. Speaking on behalf of the US, President George Bush admitted that its behaviour over recent weeks had become increasingly irrational and it had agreed to undergo treatment before it “became a danger to itself or others”

It is thought that the symptoms started to develop after a severe trauma with initial shock being followed by an irrational exuberance, showing itself in swaggering pride, patriotism and massive overconfidence in its own abilities. The overconfidence rapidly gave way to a feeling of persecution and a belief that the entire world was ganging up on it.

Recently the US has shown an increasing mistrust of everyone else in the world and in his State of the Union address, the President declared that he had seen an “Axis of Evil”. He started by explaining how the axis contained many recognised enemies, including Iraq and continued by including recent allies in the “War against Terrorism” such as Iran because “even though they display a rudimentary democracy, they have said many nasty things about us”. He finished by unexpectedly adding several new countries to the list including France because they “spoke funny”, Canada because they should have “joined the USA when they had the chance” and Dominica because he “doesn’t like bananas”. The President was, however, careful to exclude countries that harboured terrorism but “were obviously our allies because they’ve got lots of oil or friends in Congress” such as Saudi Arabia or Israel.

At a follow up meeting, Donald Rumsfeld, displaying a slight twitch in his eye, noted that the USA had “already saved the world several times over” and had “bailed those crummy Europeans out at least twice”. Mr. Rumsfeld then went on to declare that as far as he was concerned “every nation on Earth” was now a terrorist state and would be treated accordingly. When asked how he would be responding to domestic terrorism, such as the Anthrax mailer, Mr Rumsfeld declared that he was “especially suspicious of those two-timing Yankee bastards”. As Mr. Rumsfeld held a gun to his own head declaring that he was “clearly a terrorist and should be shot down like a dog”, psychiatrists were called in and sectioned him and the rest of the United States for mass delusional paranoia.

Many other countries were quick to condemn the US. Kim Jong-il of North Korea claimed that the US had been showing symptoms of paranoia for many years. “They have persecuted us because they were jealous of the peace and harmony in which we live. They would come and demand that our ancient temples be destroyed, simply because the towers resembled missiles and housed our most sacred offerings of plutonium”. Saddam Husain also claimed that Iraq had been persecuted simply because he went to visit his relatives in Kuwait with a few friends “OK we had a bit of a tiff, but it’s typical of the US have to go and overreact”. The UK, however, showed a great deal of sympathy and declared that it too would be seeking counselling to deal with its “need to be dominated” and its “fawning sycophancy” when in the company of bigger more authoritarian countries.

The US itself was last seen standing in the corner muttering to itself that it would “get them back, all of them, just see if I don’t”

Author’s note: I’m guessing this was around the time of the “enhanced interrogation” techniques becoming known.

After continued criticism from around the world and adverse reactions from the United Nations and Red Cross, the USA has agreed to abide by international conventions on human rights, but only after they can “get to rewrite them first”

“Obviously it will still be called the Geneva Convention” explained George Bush “as we will be launching it from Geneva in Nebraska”. He also confirmed that he had already set up a task force to evaluate the original convention with a view to updating it for modern day conflicts, specifically those that involve America. “We had previously been a strong supporter of human rights, but that was when they involved other countries, particularly ones that we didn’t like such as Myanmar or North Korea. Now, hot dang, we’ve found ourselves the target of terrorists and involved in a war and those same rights really get in the way of interrogating your prisoners.”

The President was responding to criticism that the treatment of suspects at Camp X-Ray was inhumane and degrading. Refuting the charges, Captain R A Buehn, the Commander of the camp, explained that the “removal of testicles is only carried out on our male prisoners and simply as a precaution to remove the source of testosterone that can cause aggression. We also make sure that all of our troops have read a copy of ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ so they can get in touch with their feminine side. Especially the girls.”

The US is now planning to address what it sees as the problems of the Geneva Convention in the same way as it has addressed the problems with the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and the Kyoto Protocol. “We shall be issuing a measured response that summarises our concerns with the document” explained Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, as he stepped from a toilet cubicle clutching a copy of the convention with several pages ripped out.

Mr Rumsfeld then went onto explain that the US believed that Afghanistani prisoners were not entitled to normal human rights as “they weren’t normal humans. I mean just look at the scary eyes on those people. They have superhuman strength and can single handedly detonate a nuclear device by just using thought power. Haven’t any of you guys seen ‘Scanners’?” Mr Rumsfeld was just starting to explain his theories on the “Taliban aliens he’d seen in ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers'” when he was accompanied from the room by his military escort as his spokesman explained that he was going for a “nice quiet sit down”.

For the Red Cross, Darcy Christen explained their concerns with the current treatment of the prisoners. “People have the right to humane treatment even if they are psychopathic madmen who would kill their own Mothers for two pins.” he commented. “We in Switzerland have a long history of welcoming any refugees into our country, no matter how evil, as long they have huge amounts of cash. And aren’t Jewish, obviously”

EU suggestions that the Afghanistan fighters be placed under the jurisdiction of the Court of Human Rights and the relevant evidence of any war crimes submitted to the court were rejected out of hand by America. “There’s no way we are handing over our prisoners to some tin-pot kangaroo court with no moral authority” commented George Bush. “We shall be transporting them to Texas forthwith so they can experience real justice”

Author’s note: Good to see Prince Charles’s intervention had such a massive effect on Harry

Following their success in bringing Prince Harry back from the brink of being a normal well adjusted teenager experimenting with drink and soft drugs to being a repressed throwback completely dependent on state aid, the Royal Family announced that they would be rolling out a new “premier class counselling service for posh people”

In explaining where the idea had come from, Prince Charles said that he had originally sent Harry to a drug rehabilitation centre to meet heroin and crack addicts. However, “they were marginally more coherent that the Queen Mother and then we caught him having a puff of one their special cigarettes so we knew we had to get tough”. The final solution was “to show him the true horror of addiction and what a life of wanton excess leads to. By the time he’d spent two hours alone with Princess Margaret he had promised to become a teetotal, celibate for the rest of his life”

Having developed these sophisticated techniques, it was felt that they could be used to help the wider population. Buckingham Palace would be opened to carefully selected members of the public – those with enormous wads of cash – and act as a unique city retreat for the terminally addicted. The model would be based on present day addiction centres such as the Priory which cater for the high pressure lifestyles of celebrities. Prince Edward explained “People don’t understand what us high flying media types have to go through in this day and age. Which premieres to attend? Which parties to go to? Which lavatory window to try and film my nephew William through? We here at BuckTox – the Buckingham Palace Detoxification Centre and Currency Exchange – do understand. And for a small fee we’re here to help”

Each member of the Royal Family will bring their own unique skills to different role playing situations at BuckTox. Prince Philip will be running an anger management and shotgun skills course. Prince Andrew will chair the female-only sex addicts group, which he hopes will give him the opportunity to “really get in deep with some of these confused young totty, I mean victims”. The whole family will come together for the marriage guidance course. Princess Anne explained its techniques derived from ancient aboriginal tribal gatherings: “Basically we all stand round the person wanting guidance on marriage and shout ‘don’t’ until they agree not to.”

Tony Blair welcomed the launch of the new service, christening it “The People’s Psychiatry”. “We have a long and proud tradition of nutters in our royal family. Long may it continue to be subsidised by us taxpayers.” he explained “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and attend my insufferable goofy smile course with Fergie”

Author’s note: Massive majority? Popular support for the Government? Where do you end up? That’s right, with famous industrial washing machine salesman, Keith Vaz

The Government today announced that it had heard “loud and clear” the message from the public that they were fed up with sleaze and said that they would put in place measures “to ensure the public never heard of it again”.

The Government was responding to criticism of the lack of support afforded to Elizabeth Filkin in her role as Parliamentary Standards Commissioner. In response, the Government plans to entirely revamp the “whole standards thing and make them suit the difficulties and temptations of public life better”. Mr David Blunkett, the Home Secretary, then went on to announce that the Government would be appointing a Minister for Governance, already dubbed the Anti-Sleaze Tsar, to ensure that Government officers would “appear purer than pure”. The new Minister, Mr. Keith Vaz, assured the public that he would be ever vigilant for the slightest opportunity for corruption, nepotism or ‘under the counter payments’. “I can tell you that if anyone tries any dirty tricks, I’ll be straight onto them” he enthused. Mr Vaz then went on to explain that the Government would be making sure that the media had “rigorously controlled” access to news about sleaze and that he would personally be monitoring the information to ensure in was released “in the most appropriate way at the most appropriate time”.

In a completely independent move, that had “nothing whatsoever to do with the Government. No way.” The Speaker of the House of Commons, Mr. Michael Martin, then announced that, in addition to retaining his entirely independent role as the Speaker, he had decided to fulfil the role of Standards Commissioner. “Although my background is as a Labour MP, I can assure the house that I will remain as independent and impartial as I have as the Speaker.”, announced Mr. Martin, flanked by the Prime Minister and the entire Cabinet, who were there to show the Labour Parties commitment to his independence. “I will show no fear or favour towards any party” he continued. He then went on to declare the immediate investigation and suspension of Iain Duncan Smith for “blowing his nose too loudly in the chamber” and Charles Kennedy for “reasons which I will think up later”. Warming to his theme he then went on to suspend the entire Tory party for being “hopeless losers” and all the Liberal Democrats for “probably the same reason”

Iain Duncan Smith, taking time out from the book signing tour for his new motivational guide “You too can become a demi-God – the IDS way”, expressed his extreme concern with the moves. “I can assure you that the Conservative’s favoured candidate for the independent commissioner, Neil Hamilton, would have been a far better choice and not shown the partisan behaviour of Mr. Martin. Neil has many years up front experience of dealing with sleaze allegations first-hand and he was very willing to personally help out MP’s who were accused of sleaze for very reasonable rates.” Mr Duncan Smith was then helped into a large black Mercedes by two of Mr Martin’s assistants who “wished to ask him some questions.”

Elizabeth Filkin, the former Parliamentary Standards Commissioner, declined to elaborate on her earlier press statement that she was looking forward to starting a career with more dignity explaining that she was in a hurry as she was “the next act on at Peter Stringfellow’s lap dancing bar”

Author’s note: It was Christmas and what better way to celebrate than with a fat pervert?

Interpol announced today that they had issued a worldwide warrant for the arrest of a man who controls a vast Global conspiracy designed to bring misery and suffering to millions of families. “This man has successfully eluded capture for several decades.” Interpol’s Secretary General Ronald K. Noble explained “Even today, the only thing we really know about him is his code-name: Father Christmas”

George J Tenet, Director of Central Intelligence explained why the public warning had been issued “We ignored the warnings about Bin Laden and we won’t make the same mistake again. All the evidence points to a fanatic who is probably aligned to Muslim fundamentalists. He has targeted only Christian countries or those with a Western influence. He takes all that we in the West hold dear – greed, avarice and our neighbour’s ass – and exploits it for his own ends. Our sources indicate that he may be planning his next big hit on or around the 25th of December. Everyone should be on their guard”

A secret report that has come into the possession of the Brains Trust indicates that ‘Father Christmas’ is thought to have multiple names and personalities that he uses around the world. The names include Santa Claus, St Nicholas and, less frequently, Kevin. The report continues, “We believe he operates from a Central HQ in a remote location – possibly mountainous or arctic terrain – with fanatical followers, known as ‘elves’, building devices of terror for distribution around the world.”

The devices are delivered by sophisticated air transport undetectable by radar. It can move at tremendous speeds to deliver its payload of hundreds of ‘packages’ a minute to unsuspecting innocents. The aircraft, known by the codename Rudolph, uses a sophisticated guidance system nicknamed the “Red Nose”, owing to its development by the Soviets in the cold war and its position in the aircraft’s cockpit.

Over the years, Father Christmas has developed a massive network of agents throughout the world. These people are indistinguishable from the main population, dressing in local clothing and working in everyday jobs. However, at a key time of year, on receipt of the code word “Christmas” in special “Christmas cards” these sleepers become active. They adopt the uniform of the fanatic and set themselves up in stores and grottos all over the world distributing the evil produce of their perverted minds.

Although his followers frequently associate themselves with charities, Father Christmas actually funds his activities in a similar way to other terrorist organisations – with cash from the drugs and sex industry. His principal drug, known as ‘Pixie Dust’, brings on a feeling of well being and creates a hallucinogenic belief in magic. Even worse, it appears to be targeted at children with literature known as ‘Fairy Stories’ explaining its use and effects. Father Christmas himself is believed to indulge his own perversions as a fat, bearded geriatric with a penchant for stockings. One former follower has shown us how he was taught to sit children on his knee and give them toys and sweeties as long as they promise him they’ll “be good”. From his prison cell, Jonathan King has admitted that he used the “red suit of shame” to attract youngsters to his evil den of iniquity.

Tracked down by Brains Trust on a satellite phone, Father Christmas was unrepentant and laughed as he issued the pass code that signals the beginning of dread and mayhem throughout the world “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, everybody!”

Author’s note: After 9/11 there was a massive downturn in air travel. Well, it looked like a massive downturn at the time. What was Heathrow’s response? Build a new terminal!

Stephen Byers today warned of massive job cuts in the airline and airport industry and confirmed that he had put the development of Terminal 5 on the fast-track to “take up the slack” in newly redundant air workers. “It is obvious to anyone that the UK is falling behind in the big, empty airport stakes” explained Mr Byers from the cavernous interior of Terminal 4 at Heathrow. I mean have you been to Charles de Gaulle, JFK or even Schipol Airport recently. They’re completely empty. But look at this place” he yelled, pointing at a solitary figure in the far distance. “It’s teeming with people. We need to get our priorities sorted out”.

Mr Byers then went on to outline his plans for Terminal 5 and boosting the airline industry in general. “We shall be instituting a ‘hop-on, hop-off’ system of flights with jets circling the airport continually, ready to land and pick up a passenger at a moment’s notice. Rather than waste valuable time with constructing a new terminal, we shall simply rename Staines as Terminal 5. And we have taken the concerns of local residents about noise very seriously and will be forcibly repatriating them and replacing them with deaf people. If they don’t move, after a couple of years with these continual round-the-clock flights they’ll become deaf and stop whinging, anyway”