Author’s Note: This was written at the time of the Russian Hostage Crisis in 2002 See also the next article

The Russian Government admitted today that the end of the Moscow Theatre siege leading to the death of over 100 hostages was actually part of a “terribly clever new strategy” for dealing with terrorism. 

“It may seem unnecessarily risky to release a poisonous gas into small area with nearly 1000 innocent people, but I ask you – how can you be sure which are innocent and which are guilty?” asked Russian President Vladimir Putin. “Who knows how many of those people might have already committed a criminal act? How many of them may be potential terrorists, waiting to subjugate the innocent population of Russia?” He stopped briefly to wipe away some flecks of spittle that had formed at the corners of his mouth and then continued “To use the words of Heinrich Himmler ‘It is better that 10 innocent men die than one guilty man escapes’. I’m not saying I agree, but it’s worth a thought, isn’t it?”

Mr Putin then went on to announce his new war on “potential terrorists”. “We have been inspired by our comrades in the United States to aggressively seek out the nests in which these potential terrorists may lurk and breed. They shall find no solace. We shall pursue them throughout Chechnya and raze their towns and flatten their houses. It seems clear to us that only by attacking the root cause of the problem and eliminating all the potential troublemakers in Chechnya – namely the entire population – can we ensure the security of Mother Russia. And if we get any dissent from within Georgia, we’ll take a pretty dim view of that as well, I should co-co.”

The approach has received broad endorsement from other countries around the world. George Bush has welcomed it and offered to exchange “best practice” in rooting out terrorism. It is felt that the US Government would be willing to share its own developments for dealing with terrorists in the US including denying them a public trial, housing them in offshore islands and flattening their home countries. In return the US would be keen to learn more from the Russian historic excellence is suppression. The use of Gulags, advanced interrogation techniques and carefully staged show trials were all felt to be useful skills that the US could adopt in its fight against terrorists. Mr Bush also explained that the US was “keen to study President Putin’s strategy for dealing with Chechnya and it’s weapons of mass destruction – although from the pictures I’ve seen of Grozny it looks like most of these have already gone off. It just shows how careful you have to be with these things and why it’s in Iraq’s best interests that we come in and take them away. It’s for their own safety.”

Israel and Palestine are also expected to send delegates to Russia, although they are both complaining of “infringement of copyright”. The Israelis believe that the techniques used by Russia are in direct violation of several patents they have taken out in their struggle against the Palestinians. Ariel Sharon commented “This is our intellectual property and it is unacceptable for some johnny come lately to start using it without even an acknowledgement.” Yasser Arafat agreed but was aggrieved that the Chechens had stolen the Palestinians suicide bombing methodology. “Normally, I’d be happy to let others use this stuff, but they’re rank amateurs. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. There were 50 of them and they only managed to get 2 measely hostages and had to rely on the Russians to do the rest. I ask you!”

For the Chechens, Aslan Maskhadov responded from a partially flattened corrugated hut in Grozny on hearing of the new Russian initiative, “New? What’s new about it?”

Author’s note: This was a rather extreme extrapolation of the argument that if you removed all security checks for air travel, it would ultimately reduce terrorism by removing terrorists who would be arrested or killed and by making air disasters seem more mundane. It would also reduce air travel having a beneficial effect on the climate. Probably.

The world’s major airlines announced that they would be building on the security measures recently put in place, including the deployment of armed sky marshals, by launching a series of “hijack friendly” routes for terrorists.

It is understood that the new routes are expected to tempt hijackers worried by the prospect of detection on the new high security routes, thereby making these routes even safer. The new routes offer shoddy security checks by barely trained staff, rudimentary passport analysis and a “bring one knife, get one free offer – for a limited time only.”

The new routes were introduced by Rod Eddington, Chief Executive of British Airways, at a packed press conference. Mr. Eddington explained that the introduction of the routes was in response to customer demand and the sensible balance of risk and reward. He also confirmed that the selection of the destination cities had been easier than anticipated. “Many cities are keen to avoid terrorist activity, for obvious reasons. However, a number are equally keen to exploit some of the potential that terrorism offers. Take Scunthorpe or Pittsburgh. What a complete pair of shit-holes. Their councillors are practically crying out for kerosene laden Jumbo Jets to come crashing down on them and destroy their collection of old industrial sites and derelict housing. The moment it happens, you can bet your sweet bippy that Government grants and charitable donations will be lavished on them from all sides.”

The new routes have been trialled for a number of months now and include novel features to ease the passage of suicidal fundamentalists. Special extra large over-head lockers on planes will allow the storage for up to a “medium-size nuclear device,” although full size bombs will still need to be stowed in the baggage hold. Extra leg room will accommodate the complex foot movements required by shoe bombers and helpful emergency exit signs and lights will guide the uncertain terrorist to the best point on the aircraft to cause maximum damage and ensure a successful exit to the afterlife.

Unsurprisingly, the new service is already coming under pressure from competition. Shortly after the announcement, Stelios Haji-Ioannou confirmed that he was launching a “new budget service for the cost conscious terrorist – EasyBomb.” The no-frills service will offer no reserved seating and only light snacks to sustain the hungry terrorist. However, with some of the most attractive fares in the air and extra discounts for internet bookings and former Mujahideen veterans, Mr. Haji-Ionannou believed that take-up of seats would be “very rapid.” He also promoted his firm’s innovative “frequent felon” scheme, promising that every tenth hijacking on selected routes would be free.

As a final point, it was also felt that the new routes would be attractive ways of entering high-security countries for people who traditionally found it difficult to gain entry; Mr Eddington gave a heartfelt plea for the rights of people to freedom of movement. “These are people – flesh and blood, the same you and me – that the rest of the world despises, who find themselves unwelcome wherever they appear. I believe that our new terrorist friendly routes with their low security and poor-quality identity checks will finally allow the French to travel once again.”

Author’s note: This was the lead article in the Brains Trust when it was published on Thursday 13th September, 2001. The Twin Towers were attacked on the Tuesday.

In an unprecedented series of events this week, communities from across the face of the earth came together to celebrate God’s love and God himself has moved amongst us and declared himself perfect.

After the horrific events in the US, and following on from genocide in Europe and Africa, God’s representatives on the Earth have issued a joint communiqué to assure the world that God is indeed a great chap and that his works, although beyond human comprehension, are without doubt for the good of mankind.

Muslims have immediately declared Fatwa’s against the widest possible variety of blasphemers to ensure the hurried entry of the devout into Heaven. Israeli Rabbinical settlers have called for the destruction of Palestine so that it can house God’s chosen people and George Bush has promised a crusade against the enemies of the USA. 

With this massive upswelling of God’s love throughout the world, God himself has now initiated a review of his operations and declared himself “completely satisfied” with his performance and confirmed that his representatives across the face of Earth retain his “full confidence”.

God, simultaneously delivering the statement in his multiplicity of forms, went on to explain, “In the light of recent events, it seemed an appropriate time to review the success of our long-term strategy, namely to bring peace, hope and goodwill to all peoples of the Earth. We have now had the opportunity to consult with all the chief executives of our operations on the Earth and are happy to confirm that we are indeed perfect and that our followers are immeasurably grateful and delighted. We intend to see out the full tenure of our contract for this role, namely eternity.”

Recently, however, a number of groups have started to question God’s role in events and wonder whether God’s strategy may be out of date. Derek Gadd of the Atheist League asked, “How come it’s always man that gets the blame for the bad stuff and God that takes the credit for all the good stuff? If we’re going to take the stick, we might as well get the credit as well. It’s time we took responsibility for our own actions. God should step aside and allow others a crack at the whip”

Religious analyst Christian Davidson pointed out, “The watchword of the modern era is focus. God heads up an old style conglomerate with a variety of different operations – Christians, Jews, Muslims etc. – many of whom are in competition with each other. This has led to a number of tensions and, frankly, the senior religious executives have taken their eye off the ball when it comes to peace and harmony.”

However, a real problem arises as God has failed to successfully groom a successor in the event he does step down. Previous attempts have all met with failure, one early candidate being memorably nailed to a cross. Repeated promises to name a Messiah have been fudged and a clear succession plan is still forthcoming.

God has acknowledged these issues and has promised that a Messiah will be announced shortly. He went on to explain, “As I am the only omnipotent being in the universe, only I am able to understand why these events are for the good of humanity. I’m afraid the rest of you will just have to have faith”