Author’s note: I was vaguely in favour of the UK joining the Euro at first, mainly because I didn’t really understand the risks and I quite liked the idea of not having to change holiday money. Anyway, that soon changed

Pro-Euro MP’s, business leaders and the ‘Britain in Europe’ (BiE) group outlined a doomsday scenario today of poverty, hunger and destitution that lay “just around the corner” if the UK failed to join the Euro-zone.

Britain in Europe campaign director, Simon Buckby, dressed sombrely in black and surrounded by several waif-like orphans, explained the utter catastrophe into which Britain would be plunged if it made the “suicidal error” of avoiding the Euro. “All around us, we can see the damage to British industry wreaked by this Government’s dithering over the Euro,” he claimed. Mr. Buckby then went on to unveil a large poster showing hundreds of tombstones bearing the inscriptions of names of British companies that have been crippled by not having access to the Euro. “Marconi, Equitable Life, Corus,” he lamented, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. “If only these titans of industry had had access to the Euro, their appalling management and inefficient work practices would have been as nought.”

Mr Buckby also cited several research papers commissioned by BiE to highlight the malign influence of the pound. According to the medical research unit of the group, every 60 seconds 3000 people die because the UK is not in the Euro. Small babies have the life choked out of them gasping for the breath that only a neutral currency exchange can give them and the elderly die weeping on the streets, crying out to be allowed to grasp the crisp, clean purity of a ten Euro note.

The decline of British society is also blamed on the failure of the Government to embrace the Euro. One report highlights a recent speech by the Archbishop of Canterbury condemning the lack of common courtesy and kindness to other members of society that exists in Britain today. “Although he was prevented from making a direct link between this and Government policy, it was obvious that he was straining with every sinew to condemn the evil Pound and bless the sacred Euro,” claimed the report. “How much more like the loving and tolerant society of France we could all become if only the Euro would move amongst us.”

BiE also painted an idyllic picture of life in continental Euroland, contrasting the green pastures, verdant forests and “near-100% employment” of Germany with the “darkened hovels, blasted heaths and dwarven perverts” of anti-Euro Denmark. It also compared the “lamentable” growth record of the UK with that of the “Celtic Tiger” Ireland. The report pointed out that Ireland’s years of strong growth prior to joining the Euro were clearly an “anticipatory reaction” whilst its subsequent slow-down on entering the Euro-zone was solely related to it proximity to the “reactionary and hidebound” United Kingdom.

However, anti-Euro protestors have hit back at BiE’s claims and launched a strong defence of the pound. Lord Owen, Chairman of the New Europe Council, speaking from his office festooned with Union Jacks declared that the UK would never accept the Euro until it met their own strict economic criteria of “absolute control by the Bank of England, the Queen’s head covering at least 50% of the Euro note and the renaming of the Euro to ‘Le Pound’. Half of bitter and a jellied eel, anyone?”

Author’s note: Religions of all flavours seem to delight in getting stuck into telling women what to do. This seemed to be a way of highlighting how ridiculous that it. Interestingly, I never finished it.

The Vatican today announced that after “guidance from the good Lord above” that it had decided to ban the “cruel waste of human life” and declare menstruation a mortal sin.

The ban follows on from the church’s opposition to contraception, abortion and most recently stem-cell research. The church has consistently argued that the sanctity of life should extend to the most basic unit of reproduction the single cell from which a human develops. It has now decided to condemn the “frittering away of perfectly good human eggs” by “selfish harlots who should be making greater efforts to turn those eggs into children”

Cardinal Paulo Vincienzi, the Papal spokeman on Brazen Hussies, explained that the church would be providing guidance to women who were in their menstrual cycle. “We have many numbers of priests who are experienced with counselling in sexual matters, although it tends to be young boys. However, many of our Irish priests have direct experience of dealing with young women and Fatherhood. They will be offering personal guidance on how these women can turn their wasted eggs into children”

The Vatican is pushing forward its “Plan for Pregnancy” and will be distributing a Papal letter to be read out at Sunday services. Under this agenda, any woman found to have allowed herself to shamelessly have a period will be condemned to “burn in Hell, praise the Lord”. Cardinal Vincienzi explained that this plan would thus ensure that every egg cell fulfilled its potential to become a human being. “Many people condemned our stance on stem cells as ridiculous. Equating a small ball of cells with a fully formed human being and denying the benefits they could bring was seen as ludicorous. However, we believe that our new stance on menstruation shows how sensible that policy was and how reasonable the Catholic church is in its policy towards reproduction and women.”

Author’s note: I was beaten up by a load of skinheads at a Stranglers concert in Guildford.

A paper published in the scientific journal Nature has confirmed that the large numbers of shaven headed men in the world today are evolving into separate species so that they can exploit new habitats and reduce competition between “fellow slapheads” for scarce resources.

The paper, written by Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush of the Institute of Follicular Studies, claims that shaved heads are now so common amongst the male population that natural selection made evolution into different sub-species “inevitable”. Professor Hackenbush has created a taxonomy showing the clear distinctions that exist between the different types.

“The original ‘root-stock’ was the neo-nazi, typically a dominant male, highly aggressive but with a limited intelligence,” claimed the report. It then identifies new forms as including the “arty type”, “the queer or nancy”, “the cancer patient”, “the hopeless baldy seeking a disguise” and the “brainless fashion victim.”

“The new species are likely to continue to evolve rapidly as it seems unlikely that breeding will occur between these various groups and so they will be forced to interbreed within their own species,” claimed Prof Hackenbush. “Which is lucky for them, as the likelihood of any of these ugly arse heads getting a shag with anyone else is, frankly, zero”

Author’s note: The Brains Trust was taken offline and we were off grid for a couple of weeks. Surely, a portent for the future. I wrote this mail out to encourage our readers back. It’s interesting that after this the Trust was never really the same and went into an existential decline, finally ceasing to exist a couple of months later.

Our regular readers will know that the Brains Trust stops at nothing in its endeavours to bring the truth to the greater public. They know that our aim, nay our very essence, is to tease, minister, undermine, corrupt and generally get up the noses of the rich and powerful. It is also true that we work in high-powered Government jobs, discreetly pulling the levers of influence and recharging the batteries of power. There are many who resent us and dark forces are constantly at work to foil our efforts.

Unfortunately, this week, we temporarily succumbed to that darkness.

We are unable, for legal reasons, to go into details. Suffice to say that shortly after the publication of our latest issue, the plug was pulled on us by a hosting organisation in Texas. Since that time we have worked night and day to bring you, our loyal readers, the issue you have been waiting for. Delano, our Editor in Chief, has adopted the character and clothing of Napoleon, exhorting his brave foot soldiers to assemble facsimiles of our web pages and post them to newspaper editors the world over. Beaumont, our Editor, has agreed to be personally crucified and placed on the top of Big Ben in protest. Our devoted contributors have worked tirelessly, manning phone lines, picketing Parliament and personally assembling a new global internet from baked bean tins and elastic bands to allow us, once again, to be a regular fixture in homes the world over.

Now, at last we have returned. You will have to decide which article(s) so offended the sensibilities of Texas and whether we were right to publish and be damned.

T H E B R A I N S T R U S T

TRUST US | WE’RE BACK

http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk

BLAIR FINALLY ASCENDS TO “KINGDOM OF HEAVEN”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2762.html
TIDAL WAVE OF SARS DEATH SWEEPS PLANET
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2763.html
US “GIVES” IRAQ TO PALESTINE
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2754.html
CADBURYS UNVEILS NEW “CHOCOLATE JESUS”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2768.html
EMBEDDED JOURNALISTS “NEVER SLEEP”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2764.html
“SADDAM LOOKALIKES” DEMAND AN END TO WESTERN AGGRESSION
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2759.html
OLYMPICS TO BE SPLIT INTO “LIKELY WINNERS” AND “LOSERS”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2761.html
GREETING CARDS HELP ARABS EXPRESS “AMBIVALENT FEELINGS”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2753.html

Or could the following possibly be true?

Brains Trust Survives Countdown Coup

There was jubilation in streets of Britain yesterday when Delano, Editor in Chief of The Brains Trust, announced that an attempt to silence his publication had failed.

For security reasons, the problem had been initially attributed to ‘technical difficulties’. However, at a press conference Delano confirmed the rumours that The Brains Trust had actually been the victim of an attempted coup by its notorious nemesis, Richard Whiteley.

The assembled media were shown CCTV footage of the initial assault, which took place early on Sunday morning. The grainy pictures showed a grinning, blazer-clad figure emerging from a helicopter, then abseiling down a long, garishly coloured tie onto the roof of Brains Trust Towers.

Whiteley is understood to have gained backing for his adventure from the Pentagon (by telling them that Delano had large reserves of oil) and from Downing Street (by telling them that Beaumont had been writing cheques for George Galloway).

People trying to log on to the website realised something was wrong when they were greeted with solemn music (understood to be a slow rendition of the Countdown theme). Regular Brains Trust reader Derek Gadd told us,”I knew it was Whiteley straight away. He’d renamed the website ‘The Wetwang Inquirer’ and covered it with pictures of him in his mayoral outfit.”

During the attack, Beaumont, the Brains Trust editor, was held hostage by Richard Stilgoe and Gyles Brandreth. After tying him up in a ‘chunky-knit woollen straight-jacket’, they submitted him to unimaginable torture. “Brandreth would read me extracts from his memoirs,” he sobbed, shuddering at the memory. “Then Stilgoe would start some rambling anecdote about Peter Skellern. It was awful. I kept myself sane by counting the number of celebrities Brandreth managed to name-drop. I reached fourteen thousand and twelve before I passed out.”

The siege lasted for several days before being resolved by Carol Vorderman. Her agent, Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush, told us, “Carol turned up at the Countdown studios, expecting to record an episode. When she found out that Richard had buggered off to London she leapt into to her car and sped off in hot pursuit”.

Standing outside Brains Trust Towers, Ms Vorderman spent several hours pleading through a megaphone for the pun-meister to see sense and return with her to Leeds. Eventually, Whiteley reluctantly abandoned his coup after Vorderman promised to ‘show him her conundrums’.

Delano, who had locked himself in the wine-cellar “for tactical reasons which I am prevented from disclosing by the official secrets act” later emerged triumphant and declared his relief that the ordeal was over. “The Brains Trust will not be silenced,” he bellowed, dressed as Napoleon and standing on a hastily assembled wall of contributors. “We will prevail. But I am deeply indebted to the wonderful woman who liberated us. On behalf of my staff and all of our readers, I would just like to say: Thank you Carol!”

Author’s note: There were all sorts of dodgy connections between the Bush administration and the various military contractors. The logical conclusion?

The US Government has announced ambitious plans to privatise warfare and is expected to be in a position to invite tenders for “mass slaughter” from private companies towards the end of the year.

The plans, which have been formulated by right-wing think tank The Heritage Foundation, found favour with President George Bush, after it became apparent that the large cost of the Iraq invasion would cause significant damage to his tax cutting agenda.

Original plans were to outsource a large number of non-core military activities, such as logistics, to private companies. However, the report by the think tank points out that this will only save a comparatively small amount of money and postulates “cutting out the middle man and letting private companies do all the fighting for us.” The companies would issue tenders to fight each other in specific conflicts that would be televised. Embedded correspondents would be provided to both sides and alliances between media organisations and the “death industry” would be encouraged to ensure maximum relevance of news footage and the “tailoring of warfare solutions to meet customer expectations”

Mr. Bush, made an impassioned defence of the strategy, explaining that the US had already had made some abortive attempts to move into the export market for fighting, such as the Bay of Pigs, but that his country had fallen behind in the terror stakes. “For too long now we have relied on foreign imports of terror, with other countries taking a lead in this field. Well no longer. With these initiatives I am confident that the US can become a net exporter of terror. We can and will build on our success in Iraq to become the market leader in mayhem, the de facto standard for quality killing”

It is anticipated that whilst companies managing the wars would have headquarters in the US, the “manufacturing locations” would be offshore operations, situated in third world countries. Speaking on behalf of Lockheed Martin, one of the companies expected to bid for the privatised combat, Sales Director Bill Lamwhiel dismissed concerns that these countries would not welcome massed battles in their territory. “Many of these far-away countries would be happy to receive American know how and US dollars. They have picturesque locations ideal for televised conflict and a well-educated workforce able to speak English whilst fighting, dying and making that all important tearful last farewell to their old Mom back home. They will also work for much smaller amounts of money bringing massive efficiencies in our operations. And let’s face it, these guys are used to it, they’re always hacking one another to pieces in some pointless conflict or another.”

Other sectors, too, are expected to bid for particular wars and will provide innovative approaches to conflict. Tobacco companies are postulating a longer-term strategy, featuring a series of battles with protagonists attempting to kill one another with secondary smoke. Lawyers are experimenting with boring their opponents to death and some French companies are attempting to kill their enemies by eating large amounts of garlic and then “breathing on them.” “We tried conventional methods, but our guys couldn’t get the hang of picking up guns without immediately dropping them again,” claimed Phillipe de Vallance, Chief Executive of Thales.

It is expected that private corporations will be able to adapt to the new market sector relatively quickly. Much corporate strategy adopts a similar approach at the moment with “headcount reduction” and the removal of “excess personnel”. Management handbooks are filled with the jargon of war and some senior executives believe that being sent to a third world country to fight in a brutal conflict may seem a pleasant alternative for staff working in call centres or textile factories.

If the plan is a success, it is expected that other forms of violence will be outsourced. Police are already looking at privatising both murder and the violent arrest of suspects, thereby capturing “both ends of the supply chain”. Further initiatives would include muggings, assault and rape, the latter of which is already considered a core competency for a many of the world’s largest corporations

Author’s note: So, Iraq was duly flattened and when asked about the looting of the Baghdad Museum Donald Rumsfeld replied “Stuff Happens”. Fortunately, the UK planners were on hand to assist

As the war in Iraq draws to a close, plans for the rebuilding of the country are being drawn up with the UK promising to deliver “the best of British” design, manufacture and management to vital Iraq services.

Claire Short, the International Development Minister, promised that the finest British expertise was being made ready to help get the country back on its feet. Civil service masterminds are already reviewing the transport infrastructure and have spotted several areas for improvement. A report highlights the “alarming number of potholes” in the Baghdad streets and “the sudden disappearance into large craters of several primary rail lines. These could well become a health hazard if left unattended as well as being likely to delay commuter traffic.”

The report also reveals the shocking state of the water services, commenting that the majority of Iraqis they have interviewed seem to exhibit “poor personal hygiene” and were in need of a “damn good wash. Don’t these people know how to use the bathroom?” Other utilities are also in a bad way, according to the survey with the authors mentioning that “the hotel air conditioning was at best intermittent, the mini-bar appeared to contain no alcohol and the swimming pool wasn’t much to write home about, either.”

In order to remedy these issues, the report puts forward a plan that would aim to get the country’s infrastructure “up to a level of quality that any British person would recognise within the next 30 years.” It proposes an ambitious set of targets, a phased privatisation programme and set of public-private partnerships. It also promotes a long series of consultations with local Iraqi resident’s groups and a number of investigations by Steering Committees to ensure that aid money is not being wasted.

Other initiatives include a comprehensive review of the branch line system for optimum commuter usage “especially for fleeing Iraqi citizens who complained that few trains stopped at convenient air-raid bunkers”, a study into the feasibility of congestion charging “particularly in times of invasion, when traffic appeared to grind to a halt” and a full scale overhaul of the facilities at Baghdad international airport which “seem more appropriate to a military installation and unlikely to attract essential package tourists.”

The UK will also export “a plethora of quality goods” to help ease Iraqi suffering, according to Ms. Short. These will include “top of the range Amstrad computers, a fleet of sought after vehicles such as this recently refurbished Austin Allegro and that pinnacle of British achievement, the Millennium Dome, just as soon as Lord Falconer can remember where he left the key.” Charity clothing collections have also yielded an impressive array of thermal vests, bobble hats and unmatched socks to help Iraqis cope with any sudden cold snaps which, Ms Short reminded the press, “can happen when those summer evenings get very chilly”. The aid will also include the finest British cuisine including Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney Puddings, Tynebrand Pie Fillings and Bernard Matthews Premium Turkey Nuggets. However suppliers have reluctantly agreed to withdraw pork faggots from the menu “to show sensitivity for local Muslim beliefs and stop our aid workers getting the shit kicked out of them if they offer one to any US servicemen.”

In return for this help, former Iraqi Health Minister Tariq Al-Barquat has promised to reciprocate by sending a team of own experts to the UK. “We have seen the terrible state of your hospitals and are sure we can help get them to the same standard enjoyed by our Iraqi ones. After all the help you’ve given us in the last few weeks, it seems the least we could do.”

Author’s note: As I sit at home in the middle of the COVID lockdown this seems rather prescient. Prof Ferguson confidently predicted that SARS would wipe out humans, as he did with COVID. I suspect neither prediction will be correct and in a few years we will look back at this period open mouthed about how we could be so foolish. Or maybe not.

Scientists valiantly battled today with the epidemic of death and destruction caused by SARS and governments promised to devote the maximum resources to stopping the spread of the latest killer virus “dead in its tracks”

UK Health Minister, Alan Milburn, dressed from head to foot in protective isolation suit and speaking via a freshly disinfected megaphone, promised that this “calvacade of catastrophe” would now be at the top of the Government’s health spending commitments. “We urge people not to panic, stay in their homes and abstain from all physical contact until this nightmare is over.” As cancer-screening clinics were hastily converted to emergency SARS centres and operations throughout the country were cancelled to allow for the influx of hordes of critically ill virus victims, the Government confirmed plans for its “compulsory inoculation strategy”

Although the precise nature of the SARS virus is still unknown, the Government has demanded action from the medical community and assigned key civil service managers to assist in defining the strategy. “It’s related to the common cold, so we must be able to cure it,” confirmed Mr. Milburn. “As such, we shall be trying every known cold cure and carefully monitoring its affect on the virus. I myself have already been injected with Lemsip, my wife has been trialling the Alker-Seltzer vaccine and I have requested that my Mother-in Law check the efficacy of the Ex-Lax Super Strength antigen, which I recognise is on the boundaries of viral research, but it has to be worth a try. With this sensible balanced response and via a process of elimination, I am sure we will find a cure quickly.”

Despite these efforts, reported outbreaks of the SARS are increasing. A 15 car pile up on the M11 was linked to the virus after a driver was heard sneezing into his mobile phone before his car careered across three lanes into the path of a juggernaut being driven by a man nearing the end of his 13 hour shift. A mystery outbreak of death at an old peoples home in Barnsley is claimed to be “almost certainly due to SARS”, although doctors are also considering the “remote possibility” that the 4 octogenarians may have succumbed to other causes. Most worryingly, a 300% increase in workers signing off sick from work with a “bad case of the sniffles” during the warmest April on record has led doctors to believe that the virus maybe spreading far more rapidly than previously thought.

Drug companies have promised to react swiftly to meet the threat posed by SARS. GlaxoSmithKline has already re-launched its Beecham’s Powders Cold Remedy as Anti-SARS Beecham’s Powders at £50 per sachet and promises to spend “many millions of pounds” on Doctor education campaigns in the Seychelles. Alternative health practitioners have also turned their attention to the epidemic, with the Oswestry Herbal Healing Practice offering chanting, stretching and karmic hugging as a way of warding of infection.

Within China, however, the authorities have already managed to control the outbreak via the novel process of “not talking about it”. Government spokesman Liu Jianchao pointed out that the number of SARS victims had fallen from “zero to minus 15, give or take a few”. On being asked to explain how a negative number of people could be infected Mr. Jianchao simply smiled enigmatically and commented that “we have a large negative number of people also living in our labour camps”

Author’s note: I rather like the idea that when we eventually decode a message from space, it turns out to be spam.

SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life, has confirmed that a preliminary analysis of radio transmissions from space has revealed a number coded messages which SETI has been able to translate and which appear to confirm the existence of lifeforms with “some sort of intelligence”

An excited Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush, SETI group leader and emeritus Professor of Screensavers at Oxford University, confirmed that this was likely to prove “the most remarkable discovery of our age”, adding “Does anyone have the address of the Nobel prize committee?”

Professor Hackenbush, now trying on an Ermine robe “just in case. You can’t be too careful who might drop by nowadays”, went on to explain how the SETI system worked. The original plan had been to use the “idle time” from home and office computers to decode radio transmissions via a screen saver. This was then piloted on a target audience of “likely alien advocates” including Star Trek fans, pornography users and “friendless, beardy geeks”. Unfortunately, this group of users, whilst very keen, left their PC’s so rarely that after 6 months operation on 400,000 computers, the project had only managed to decode one transmission that turned out to be a misdirected CB radio message about a hold-up on the M1 near Barnsley.

Professor Hackenbush, then adopted an alternative strategy whereby the screensaver showed favourite clips from Star Trek episodes, played the theme from Star Wars and interlaced it with occasional pictures of hard-core pornography. This led to an immediate uplift in the processing time, although several subscribers collapsed in frustration at not being able to use their computers for fear of missing the infamous “group orgy featuring Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Uhuru and 14 well-endowed Klingons.”

Professor Hackenbush, now idly musing over his entry for Who’s Who, then went on to reveal that the first message had been interpreted by SETI some time ago but they decided to keep quiet because they weren’t sure what to make of it. The transmission read: “Instant diplomas! Guaranteed, 100% genuine. Available from Betelgeuse Tech., Sirius Poly and De Montfort University.”

The same message has been received well over a million times since then, although not as often as the next one: “Hi, I’m a cute single celled life-form. If you’d like to watch me and some of my bouncy friends divide then why not log onto our web-cam!”

A third message: “Are you a male Quagorg? Would you like to increase the length of your tentacles? Contact our clinic for details,” has been taken on by Professor Hackenbush personally to research.

Professor Hackenbush was able to confirm that the project had to be temporarily halted after the final message – “Lonely Earth-trek fan, fully hermaphrodite, seeks like minded life-form to compare memorabilia, maybe more” had resulted in so many responses from the SETI community that the system had “completely broken down”

Author’s note: Budget day and a bit of silliness

Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has announced that his budget will contain a host of new taxes to support the funding of the war, the rebuilding of the country’s transport infrastructure, the national health service, the new conservatory for his house, his mate Barry’s liposuction and “anything else I bloody well like.”

Mr Brown made the announcement unexpectedly during his budget speech. The speech started in the usual way with repeated references to prudence, the need for fiscal rectitude and tedious revenue projections. However, after several hours of speaking and repeated sips from the traditional budget glass of whisky, Mr. Brown dropped his prepared speech and seemed to lose interest in his current topic.

It was at this point that Mr. Brown, now freely draining a litre bottle of ‘Awd McAllister’s Finest Scotch Mist’, announced his set of new taxes. These included a tax on anyone who disagrees with the war, a tax on Prime Minister’s who refuse to step down after six years and a tax on anyone who mentions the Euro. Mr. Brown, now warming to his theme and attempting to intravenously attach the bottle to his arm, then went onto announce further “revenue improvement strategies” including removing “freedom” of speech and instituting a “pay per vowel” system.

Iain Duncan Smith then intervened but was immediately subject to a “looking at me in a funny way” levy by Mr. Brown, who was now addressing his speech to the “large, pink rabbit sitting in the corner of the chamber.” As Mr Duncan Smith complained that he would be unable to pay the “million-billion pounds” demanded by Mr Brown, several Labour MP’s tried to manhandle the Chancellor to the ground. However, they backed off when they were warned that any such moves would mean that their constituents would be targets for the new “Poor people tax” which Mr. Brown was about to announce.

Mr Brown continued with further announcements including the “noisy sex tax” for anyone engaging in noisy sexual acts, at which point he looked pointedly at the Prime Minister. This was enthusiastically endorsed by David Blunkett who would be “personally policing” the enforcement of the levy using his new nation-wide set of domestic CCTV cameras and listening devices that he was planning to announce.

The Chancellor was able to confirm that there would be certain exemptions to the new taxes. These included the “Gordon indemnity” for anyone named Gordon, the “essential services exclusion” for anyone fulfilling a role of national importance, “such as a Chancellor of the Exchequer” and the “Scottish people living in London rebate” which would provide a set of grants and refunds for impoverished Scotsmen living in sheltered accommodation in or around Westminster.

The clearly exhausted Chancellor then weaved unsteadily back to his seat on the front bench and sat down, demanding that the Prime Minister “budge up a bit”. Michael Howard then stood up to reply on behalf of the opposition, but sat down again after realising that his 3000 word response would cost him over seven thousand pounds, commenting that “the Conservative Party didn’t have that kind of cash on it.”

Author’s note: This was my friend Jonathan Selby’s idea. I wrote it up, but Tom immediately declared it to trivialise a desperate situation and it was never published.

Shocked commentators around the world expressed horror at the revelation that the Iraqi regime was an elaborate Internet myth, perpetrated by misunderstanding and gullible computer users.

As the US and its allies launched total all-out annihilation of the Iraqi regime, the clues that the regime itself may not actually exist mounted to become overwhelming evidence. It now appears that although Saddam Hussein was President of Iraq, he fled the country with his family shortly after the start of the first Gulf war. His last actions on leaving were to switch the “Out of Office” response on his Outlook e-mail system to reply “Fuck you Bush!” to any incoming e-mails and tell the local television company to “keep re-running my broadcasts about the US. Especially that one about ‘The Great Satan’ where I was looking particularly Presidential”

After Saddam fled, Iraq installed a liberal democracy and claims to be one of the most progressive Arab states, offering equal rights for women and a constitution enshrining fundamental freedoms of speech, protest and protection from discrimination. They are also believed to be the only country in the world to have elected an openly gay President who shares his palace with his partner, Clive, and holds regular parties for his subjects.

Unfortunately, after the first Gulf war, the US immediately lost interest in Iraq and sporadic e-mails from the UN to demand the installation of weapons inspectors would be met with the same response. “Every few months we’d have another go,” explained UN Chief Weapon’s Inspector Hans Blix. “We’d e-mail Saddam with a long list of demands and every time he’d reply ‘Fuck you Bush’. Then you’d see him pop up on television, ranting about the Great Satan and we just assumed he was going off on one again.”

In reality, Saddam fled to the UK where he shaved off his moustache, changed his name to Stan Houston and became a landscape gardener. His regular appearances on Gardeners Question Time and his specialist knowledge of weedkillers and pest control have built him a large following amongst the middle classes. He spoke to the Brains Trust earlier today, claiming “I keep telling everyone I am really Saddam Hussein former President of Iraq and there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. But they just tap their nose, wink and say ‘That Stan, eh? He’s a real caution.’ It’s really fucking irritating.”

His sons Uday and Qusay, now known as Darryl, a yoga instructor, and Kevin, an avuncular pub landlord agreed, adding that they were particularly disappointed that their charity work has gone unrecognised. “We raised over £400 for Comic Relief this year with my sponsored pork scratching supper evening,” claimed Darryl. “But all you ever hear about is snuff videos, eye-gouging and torture. Hasn’t everyone done a few things in their youth that they regret?”

As the reality of the situation became apparent, the US vowed to carry on the invasion of Iraq as “they had to try their new military hardware out somewhere” but acknowledged that they would need to find a new world figure to demonise for the American news networks. It is unclear who will be selected, however the authorities are keen to interview Mr Oswald Binlander of Tamworth.