Author’s note: It occured to me that the role of war artists might be somewhat different in the television age.

The Government confirmed today that it was following tradition and appointing a number of war artists to commemorate the great Gulf War in song, verse and image.

“The Government has always been keen to invoke traditions that help us communicate with the public and stir up a feeling of national pride – especially if they don’t cost very much” explained Minster of Culture, Media and Sport Tessa Jowell. Ms. Jowell went onto confirm that as it was expected that this war was likely to be a lot shorter than previous heroic victories, it was decided to employ a new generation of artists working with new media who could “finish their stuff a lot quicker”. This would also reflect current contemporary styles and the “shorter attention span” of today’s generation.

Ms. Jowell then introduced the newly appointed war poet, John Hegley who has already begun work on his “epic limerick cycle – ‘There once was a chap in Baghdad'”. Mr Hegley expects the limerick to span several verses and will cover the pathos, triumph and tragedy that a war carries with it – as well as providing an amusing couplet on Saddam’s misadventures in a punt. “I’ve already started work on the piece,” he confirmed. “Although I’ve got stuck at finding a rhyme for anthrax. Tampax almost works but I’m keen to avoid product names”

For the visual arts the Government has enlisted the services of war artist Rolf Harris. It is anticipated that Mr. Harris’ skills in rapid painting will be useful in capturing fleeing Iraqis or the split-seconds between a daisy cutter bomb exploding and it totally destroying a village. It is also felt that Mr. Harris’ time on Animal Hospital will have acclimatised him to scenes of tragedy as pitifully injured members and friends of a family are bought in for treatment, prior to being put down.

The Government has not restricted itself entirely to traditional media, however. It has also commissioned a number of new works from the visual arts, including television. New programmes include “What not to bomb” with Trinny and Susannah and “Changing Regimes”, in which Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and Carol Smillie suggest makeovers for current despotic dictatorships whereby they agree to sell their oil to the West, not to bomb their neighbours and fit out their presidential palaces with lovely, lovely chintz.

Finally, from the world of music the Government has employed Harrison Birtwhistle to write an atonal, arhythmic war symphony. Commenting on the decision, Ms Jowell explained that even if the symphony did not meet public approval, they could always play it at full volume in Baghdad and use it to “scare the Hell out of Saddam.”

Author’s note: The invasion still hadn’t started but what was the government to do with all those annoying Peaceniks?

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, put emergency legislation before Parliament today reintroducing conscription for certain “key members of the public” including “peaceniks, lefties, Daily Mirror journalists and members of the Liberal Democrats”

Mr. Blair claimed that conscription was necessary to fulfil various essential duties “on the front line, in the back office and especially in the latrines.” Papers are already being served on “key professions” and a number of personnel have already been assigned to units ready for action. “Most of those chosen can’t wait to get stuck in,” explained Mr. Blair. “Of course, there’s a lot of blubbing and pleading when we first tell them, but as soon as the sedative/LSD inoculation kicks in, they’re as keen as mustard gas.”

Geoff Hoon, the Defence Secretary, explained that he had been so moved by Charles Kennedy’s offer of “full moral support” for our troops that he has allowed him to provide it personally by stationing him on the front line with the infamous SAS “Kill 99” division. It is believed that Mr. Kennedy will lead a “Distraction Unit” within the SAS, responsible for drawing enemy fire. Major-General Douglas “Doggo” Davies explained that Mr. Kennedy will be taken blindfolded to the front line, stationed in front of the Iraqi troops, at which point the blindfold will be removed. “We are sure the sight of a terrified, carrot-topped boy-scout screaming for his mummy and running around like a greyhound with his arse on fire is bound to attract the attention of the Iraqi Presidential Guard. And those guys are armed to the teeth, I wouldn’t want my SAS lads having to take them on without some sort of diversion.”

The Brains Trust also managed to speak briefly to a surprised looking Robin Cook, recently promoted Commander-in-Chief of the Chemical Weapons Detection unit, manfully clutching an unloaded revolver, military cane and rather sickly canary. He told us, “Look, don’t these people know a joke when they hear one? Anyone could see I had my fingers crossed when I made that speech in the Commons. And how was I to know that starting my speech with my favourite Saddam jokes would go down so badly?” Mr. Cook then led his battalion of conscripts onto the recently recommissioned “almost certainly fully working” Tiger-Moth plane, wearing the traditional uniform of “full strait jacket and restraining harness” and carried aloft on the ceremonial “stretcher of victory”

As Chris Smith, Ken Clark and several hundred Liberal Democrats, Guardian readers and University lecturers were loaded onto commandeered cross-channel Ferries, a spokesman confirmed that Claire Short had been reassigned from her original post of “Baghdad Attack Force – Catapult Officer” to become the chief WREN responsible for “Prime Ministerial catering support.” The spokesman also confirmed that, unusually, the conscription would extend to other nationalities and that Mr. Blair was personally looking forward to greeting Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroder in their new role as “Daisycutter pilots.” Mr Blair is reported to have got a made to measure seat for both of them ready on the first bombs to be launched.

Author’s note: It turned out that Robert Robinson hadn’t hosted Call my bluff for several decades and Frank Muir was dead.

Supreme Allied Punmeister-in-Chief and Absolute Countdown Commander Generalissimo Richard Whiteley announced the breakdown in diplomacy and imminent invasion of the Call my Bluff studios and ‘their evil tyrant dictator’ Robert Robinson, today. “How much longer can this despot be allowed to hold onto his letters of mass destruction?” quizzed Whiteley. “How can we believe anything this maniac says, when it has been conclusively proved that only one in every three answers is the truth? And what of the evil scientists and intellectuals he parades on his ‘Brain of Britain’ show? No, we here at Countdown have said ‘enough is enough’. We shall ignore the Blankety-Blank veto and seek the overthrow of this evil regime. I’ll have three consonants, 4 vowels and a daisy cutter tactical missile, thank you, Carol.”

Author’s note: A mean spirited and horrible article pointing out that Africa probably didn’t need lots more aid but actually other things might help

The grateful continent of Africa gave thanks to the larrikins and jesters of the United Kingdom yesterday as poverty, famine and disease were wiped out in a single day by the “biggest ever celebration of quality comedy material, God save us all” Comic Relief.

Umo Mbatale of the Congo confirmed that her 7-week-old baby, who had perished from dehydration, had been miraculously bought back to life when Billy Connolly appeared and brushed her with his magic beard of comedy. “I knew they lied when they said that powdered baby milk was bad for my baby” explained a delighted Ms Mbatale, proudly sporting a hilarious hairy red nose and preparing to jump into a vat of cold Bird’s custard, thoughtfully supplied by Nestle. “Just because I can’t read, they think I’m stupid. Those nice western people explained to me how much better the powdered milk was than my breast milk, and I mixed it with just the right quantity of river water. How happy I am that Saint Billy came and made everything well again.

Within South Africa, an ecstatic President Thabo Mbeke surrounded by thousands of recently cured AIDS victims confirmed that Comic Relief confirmed what he knew all along – that AIDS was all in the mind. “We don’t need access to fancy foreign drugs when all these people needed was to get out of their beds and laugh it off. And thanks to top-quality madcap japester Vic Reeves, that’s exactly what they’ve been able to do!” Joaquim Chissano, President of Mozambique agreed adding that the last thing the continent wanted now was free trade and access to western markets. “Those anti-globalisation protestors are right. What we want is lots more trade barriers and tarrifs to help us boost our economy and make our people self-sufficient. That and Dawn French paying us a visit. I just love the ‘Vicar of Dibley’ and I like my women big, if you know what I mean!”

Across Africa reports of crops miraculously springing up from drought-ridden fields and delighted natives dancing in the first rain for 5 years flooded in. In the UK Cholmondley Tarrant-Berkley of the National Farmers Union, sporting a head recently shaved with an amusing caricature of Sven Goran-Eriksonn, promised the unstinting support of Western farmers in helping their African counterparts. He explained that farmers would do “everything in their power” to carry on organising sponsored journeys across Europe in motorised baths filled with cold baked beans. “And one day, in the next decade or two, we may even look into allowing these poor, wretched black people to sell their produce over here without slapping a 100% levy on it,” he explained. “Who knows, by the next century we may even have reduced some of the essential subsidies paid to keep us western farmers off of the breadline,” he added stepping into his new Ferrari two-seater convertible combine harvester.

However Richard Curtis, one of the main organisers of Comic Relief hit out at critics of the event. “It is simply rubbish to say that the only function of Comic Relief is to supply a tiny amount of money to the worlds poorest people and salve our consciences so we feel good, allowing us to forget about making real changes that would really allow these people to lead better lives. I mean, look at what it did to our ratings – we absolutely trounced ITV. Hurrah!”

Author’s note: A brief article on the start of the Iraq invasion

Confused tourist officials in Baghdad confirmed they were “unutterably bewildered” by the mysterious drop in tourists visiting Iraq over the last few days.

“This is usually the peak season for us. We were expecting to be absolutely overwhelmed with tourists this year,” explained Mustapha Maroud, chief Tourism Minister. “The season started well, what with the United Nations tours. There wasn’t a coach, taxi or armoured car to be had anywhere. And those guys were insatiable – you just had to mention a tourist attraction and they wanted to see it. Palaces, military installations, chemical dumps – they were all over the place. And then suddenly they were off, without so much as a goodbye. Of course we’ve still got those peace protestors, mooching around, waving placards and chaining themselves to embassy railings. But they’re all bloody students and they haven’t got any money to spend. We’ve launched a media blitz in the US and we’d been promised that we’d be overrun with Americans pretty soon. But they just haven’t appeared yet. Still it’ll be boom time when they do get here!”

Author’s note: It is a fact that the only way the media can keep your attention is by convincing you that everything is terrible and it’s all someone else’s fault

The streets of the United Kingdom lay strewn with the blood and wreckage of previously unwitnessed malevolence as the country slipped rapidly into anarchy and war. Old alliances were torn down, families turned on one another, and political allegiances were as nought as supporters of the war on Iraq continued their bloody conflict with peace campaigners.

Within the Houses of Parliament different factions took shelter behind upturned green leather benches with snipers and machine gun posts taking “maximum casualties” as both sides made desperate scrambles to catch the speaker’s attention and make a point of order. Previous political groupings were shattered as Old Conservatives and New Labour hurled weighty committee minutes into the centre of clusters of Lib Dems and pro-Euro Tories, who retaliated by launching Ian Paisley into the enemy’s despatch boxes.

In Fleet Street and Wapping armed factions from the Daily Mirror and the Sun formed gangs of militia to storm each other’s printing presses. The papers themselves were heavily biased towards their own positions. The Sun featured a daily Page Three girl playfully bayonetting an Iraqi Asylum Seeker and offered a “Kill and Iraqi and win a Rover” competition. The Daily Mirror revealed recently unearthed evidence of Tony Blair and George Bush’s membership of a bizarre Christian sect who regularly “covered their naked bodies in crude oil” before praying to God to forgive them their sins whilst flagellating each other with knotted leather thongs. A further article also revealed how they watched brutal snuff videos of starving Iraqi children being taunted by corpulent CIA agents disguised as aid-worker laughing and eating their daily rations in front of them.

Elsewhere on the streets of the UK, pitched battles raged between “surrender monkeys” and “warmongers.” Veteran peace campaigner Derek Gadd explained his motivation in taking the campaign to the streets “Sometimes violence is the only way to make yourself understood”, he yelled storming up a pro-war barricade and manfully beating a protester about the head with a “Give Peace a Chance” placard. “We’ve tried to make Tony Blair see sense, to understand that war never solved anything but he just won’t fucking listen. Well, Tony Blair, I say to you ‘We know where you live and we’re coming to get you.’ Now who’s got an A to Z on them?”

However, supporter of the war, Chris Jones, promised no mercy to the pacifists, claiming many of them were pinko-liberals and “probably foreigners to boot” “Where would we be if we’d listened to this sort of appeasement nonsense during the war, eh? I bet this lot sit at home, listening to their subversive rap music and eating foreign food when they should be down the pub, eating a nice plate of steak and kidney pie and enjoying a good old English sing-song. God save the King!”

Meanwhile, reports from around the world indicate that a war may have started in the Middle East.

Author’s note: I couldn’t understand, and still can’t why the US was so determined to annihilate Iraq but let Pakistan off the hook. This article got picked up by some Indian nationalist site and instantly became one of our most popular one. And I finally got my pesky Indian’s gag in there

The United States has issued an apology to Pakistan for the invasion of its sovereign territory by American forces, which the US has put down to “the kind of simple mistake anyone could make.”

The US State Department has explained that the mistake arose over the “ever so slight similarity” between Iraq and Pakistan. Apparently, an enthusiastic junior clerk became confused when his briefing documents identified the “Number One Enemy of Freedom” as an Eastern Muslim state which had invaded a neighbouring country several years ago, was run by a military dictator, harboured and trained Al Qaeda operatives and was in possession of illegal weapons of mass destruction.

“This is the kind of silly misunderstanding that could happen to anyone” explained a department spokesman. “The clerk just jumped to the conclusion that the country must be America’s firmest ally, Pakistan, rather than its deadliest foe, Iraq. Clearly, if he had stopped for a moment to consider the difference between this peace-loving defender of freedom and this war-mongering supporter of terrorism he would have sorted it out in the twinkling of an eye.” On being asked to explain what the precise differences were, the spokesman then remembered that he had left some bacon under the grill and had better rush to stop it burning and even if he hadn’t he was urgently needed elsewhere, immediately.

It is still unclear precisely how a junior clerk was then able to order the entire might of the US Armed Forces to invade Pakistan. However, it has been absolutely denied that the “junior clerk” was actually President Bush and that he was found locked in the Oval Office with his hands on the “nuclear launch joystick” steering the satellite guidance system towards Islamabad. The spokesman did concede however that confusing Baghdad and Islamabad or Pakistan and Palestine was the kind of mistake “any leader of the free world could make. Or junior clerk, obviously”

Further suspicions have been aroused, however, by the discovery of a list of “Criteria of Terrorist Countries” that Mr. Bush has personally drawn up to present to the United Nations. The list, which Mr. Bush has been using himself, would serve to act as an aide memoire for the Security Council to assist them in identifying “Rogue States.” The list identifies “likely terrorist regimes” as countries that are “a long way away and have mainly brown-skinned people who speak funny and have a lot of facial hair. But definitely not Israel.”

Mr. Bush has also expressed a personal apology to Pakistan and has promised to look more favourably on their request for help in “negotiating” with India. “I’m certainly grateful to the Pakistanis for identifying another country harbouring enemies of freedom. Until they pointed them out to me, I thought we’d got rid of those pesky Indians after Custer’s last stand.”

Sidebar – How to identify a rogue state – the George Bush Guide
Country name often ends in “an”
Local people tend to shout a lot
Cavalier use of firearms (NB don’t use this one in Texas)
Hot climate
Their God has a funny name. Alan?
Talk fast
Lack of baseball caps but high percentage of towelling headgear
Can’t hold their liquor
Churches are funny shape
Countries that look a bit terroristy but aren’t – Mexico, Ireland, Israel, Turkey, Saudi Arabia (must check this one)

Author’s note: Saddam offered his condolences on 9-11, which may well have been sincere given he had nothing to do with it

Saddam Hussein announced today that the expressions of sympathy for the US he made just after 9-11 were inappropriate and that he was now withdrawing them. “Frankly, I’m just bloody pissed off with them. Did I ever get any invites to any memorial services? No. I just get a load of weapons inspectors marching around here with not so much as a by-your-leave destroying our missiles. Their President calls me rude names all the time. What have I ever done to him? And did I ever get a thank you for that “In deepest sympathy” card I sent? Did I, buggery. It was a really nice one too, not some cheapie one from the newsagent down the road. Well sod it. And as far as I’m concerned they can have their chemical weapons back, too. They’re all past their use-by date anyway.”

Author’s note. There had to be a reason they couldn’t find WMD in Iraq. Step forward cartoon villain David Copperfield

David Copperfield, the celebrity magician, has been captured and smuggled out of Iraq in a covert operation by the Central Intelligence Agency. The arrest of Mr. Copperfield is claimed by the CIA to explain why the UN weapon’s inspectors have had such little success in finding any of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

“We know that these things have got to be pretty big and we just couldn’t understand why no one could seem to find them,” announced a beaming Colin Powell at a Government press conference. “But this explains everything. This guy can make a jumbo jet disappear with just a large silk canopy, a couple of piercing, beetlebrow stares and a simple wave of his hand. Getting rid of a large number of anthrax-laden warheads and a couple of nuclear reactors would be child’s play. I tell you, I’ve watched his video loads of times and I still can’t figure out how he does it”

Mr Powell also reminded his audience how Mr. Copperfield could “walk on thin air” which was clearly in contravention of the Iraqi no-fly zone. Furthermore, his abilities at mind control and “guess the card” tricks would enable him to stay one step ahead of the UN inspectors. His record in dating a German model and ability to speak French has also been held as evidence of his complicity.

Claims that Mr. Copperfield was actually at home in Manhattan asleep in bed when he was seized have been strongly denied by the CIA. However, the brief glimpse of Mr Copperfield dressed in silk pyjamas and a large hairnet whilst being herded onto a plane destined for Guantanamo Bay reinforced this view. Mr Powell was adamant, though, that the arrest of Mr Copperfield was a clear victory in the war on terrorism. He also explained that his detention in an offshore island without any access to legal representation or the media was simply to ensure that he “couldn’t try any of his slippery magic tricks to escape”. “He has already asked for a large glittery wardrobe for his room, but were not falling for that one. He’d just have to step inside it, there’d be a puff of smoke and he’d be off,” nodded Mr. Powell knowingly.

Mr. Powell also confirmed that the US is already looking at exploiting the magician’s techniques themselves. David Blaine has been hired to make George Bush invisible and thereby avoid assassination attempts – a move that has already been widely welcomed across Europe. Initial trials by Mr. Blaine have had some success in making the leadership of the Democrats shrink to the size of pygmies before disappearing. Attempts by Paul Daniels, the English magician, to mount a similar operation on Iain Duncan Smith backfired when it was found that Mr. Duncan Smith was already totally invisible and, after casting the spell, Mr. Daniels’ career completely disappeared.

Other countries are also starting to look into using similar plans. France has hired some voodoo priests from its former African colonies to stick pins in effigies of Tony Blair, whilst Mr. Blair has asked his cabinet to study videos of the Amazing Randi, so that they can try and turn stroppy backbenchers into white rabbits or a bunch of coloured streamers. However, Israel is attempting the most ambitious strategy by hiring Uri Geller to try and make Palestine completely disappear.

Author’s note: The Brit awards are actually quite swanky now. They weren’t in 2003

Furious organisers of the Brit Awards lashed out at claims that they had been forced to economise on the awards by the downturn in UK music industry fortunes caused by bootleg CD’s, pirated downloads and “the complete and utter crap that passes for pop music nowadays.”

Speaking on behalf of the British Phonographic Industry, Chris Jones, furiously rebutted accusations that the Brits were a cut-price version of the Grammies, with less stars, shoddier acts and much poorer quality hor’deurves. “The Brits, like the BAFTA’s, can stand shoulder to shoulder with our American cousins. Just look at the glittery venue and host of stars on offer tonight and tell me this isn’t entertainment of the highest quality,” said Mr. Jones brandishing a video of several stars who were unable to attend the evening’s ceremony “for reasons of being exceptionally busy doing other things somewhere else”

However, despite Mr. Jones’ assurances, both attendees and television viewers expressed surprise at the change of venue from the top London hotel used last year to a school hall in Bognor but this was explained away as being essential to maintain security. The fantastic opening laser display and light show of previous years was also replaced by Cliff Richard juggling two torches and then using them to point out the emergency exits. Mr. Richard was then seen to don a fluorescent jacket with “Fire Steward” written on it and stand in the wings clutching a fire extinguisher.

As the show then started properly, the two awards presenters, Katie Boyle and Bruce Forsyth, then leapt onto the stage. Announcing the first award they inserted Mr. Jones’ tape into the state-of-the-art Amstrad video player to show controversial rapper Eminem refusing to accept a small plastic figurine from an apparently pleading Mr. Jones. However, the precise nature of the award was difficult to detect as the video played at double speed with no sound.

As further stars sped past the audience on video, the evening moved on to what Mr. Jones described as “the finest cuisine money can buy” repeatedly assuring the diners that “Spam is de rigeur at all fashionable night-spots, nowadays.” However, by the time coffee was served many guests laid aside their Bird’s trifle and Malteser petit-fours and stormed out.

We spoke to stylish music industry executive Derek Gadd who complained that even some of the videos appeared to have been pirated. “That George Michael video was clearly bogus. He looked nothing like the bloke from ‘Wham!’, what with that ridiculous moustache and sideburns – he could have been some sort of steaming great poofter. And he hadn’t even bothered to learn the right lyrics. What was all that nonsense about ‘stop the war’, I don’t remember that featuring in ‘Club Tropicana’. And who was that dozy cow singing with him. She didn’t look anything like Pepsi or Shirley. You’d have thought if the were going to hire Karaoke lookalikes they could have got some decent ones”

However, one so-called economy measure has turned out to be a false-alarm when a plastic show room dummy dressed in a black suit and white gloves turned out to be Michael Jackson.