Author’s note: Congestion charging began on the same days as Red Nose day, and I wrote an article that Tom declared “very good indeed”. A fantastic pun (Bet-rail) and, most interestingly of all, Julia Bell is now my wife

Ken Livingstone has hailed as a success the launch of his “Red C day” a charity event featuring clowning, buffoonery and world-class tom-foolery based around a hilariously ironic “integrated transport scheme”

The Red C day was conceived by Mr. Livingstone to provide a light-hearted way of gathering money from the public for much needed special projects. He explained on its launch that it would combine a mix of “comedy donations” and “joke fines” which would be used to collect money for his newly announced “Save the Ken” re-election fund. However, the money would also be going to several other worthy causes, explained Mr. Livingstone. “Many hardworking politicians are literally starving to death in the GLA. We must do everything we can to alleviate the suffering caused by this dreadful combination of famine and drought. Nowhere in this benighted city can you find a decent bottle of Pouilly Fumé or a single mouthful of langoustine au beurre de mélisse. How long can civilised people allow this outrage to continue?”

Red C day itself was marked by the display of a variety of red C paraphernalia including large red symbols painted on roads, massive road signs and a blitzkrieg of adverts highlighting the special charity event. Thousands of workers in offices and shops joined in the fun by appearing on camera in a new game show called “Beat the Snooper” whereby they either come into work using a variety of comedy vehicles or else pay a toll or fine. “I’m just doing my part to help Ken” explained magazine editor Julia Bell as she bounced down the Hampstead Road on her newly purchased Louis Vuitton space-hopper.

However, Derek Gadd complained that the opening day had been boring and the promised larks and shenanigans had not materialised. “We expected to see hundreds grid-locked luvvies taking part in ‘beat the camera stunts’ – you know attempting to launch themselves across the Thames using jet powered Hillman Imps, or furious actresses chaining themselves naked to Tower Bridge. But what did we get? Iain Duncan Smith mooching around with a load of whining butchers at Smithfield? At least they could have laid on some proper stars like Jim Davidson or Harold Pinter. I ask you. Is this what I pay my licence fee for?

However Mr Livingstone defended the launch pointing to a myriad of special events put on to coincide with Red C day. An army of clown-buses chained together so they can only travel in groups of three whilst randomly deciding whether to stop for passengers, sped around the deserted City roads. Satirical time-tables promised tubes and trains galore whilst offering the maximum number of cancelled trains, routes under repair and decommissioned escalators.

Mr. Livingstone also pointed to ambitious plans for the new cross-London rail-link – Bet-Rail. “Sure, we told everyone it stood for Better Rail,” explained a chortling Mr. Livingstone. “But everyone could see it was just a hilarious pun to show commuters the way they’ve been treated.”

Author’s note: As always, France was behaving like a dick. In this case it was becoming increasingly pissed off that other members of the EU showed independence of thought. Anyway, this article got picked up by some US republican website and went through the roof for views

France announced today that it has decided to “rip up every bloody European Treaty and start again” by forming an entirely New European Union (NEU) consisting solely of itself.

The decision was made by President Jacques Chirac after a report by the French Government revealed that the EU was becoming overrun with foreigners “many of whom don’t agree with the French.” The report highlighted the original aims of the European Union that were clearly designed to support French interests, provide subsidies for French Farmers and “stop Germany repeatedly invading us”

France now feels that these ideals have been lost and many countries “expressing no gratitude whatsoever for all we’ve done for them” are now starting to show worrying signs of independence. The enlargement of the EU to include many poor Eastern European countries causes France particular concern, especially their “greedy and unjustifiable” demands for agricultural subsidies which “properly belong to the people of France”.

It is believed that the recent letter of support for the US from many European countries including the UK, Spain, the Czech Republic and Italy was the final straw prompting accusations of the Americanisation of Europe. “When these minor league no-hopers align themselves with an autocratic, imperious, selfish country that thinks only of itself instead of France, it is clear things have gone too far. Their childish and juvenile behaviour marks them out as petulant and infantile,” Mr Chirac exclaimed, after angrily storming out of the latest EU meeting, slamming the door and refusing to come back in unless everybody agreed to “play by his rules.” When the other countries refused, Mr. Chirac employed other diplomatic tactics including holding his breath until he went “bright red”, screaming and screaming until he was sick and rolling around and beating his fists on the floor. When these also failed he then announced the formation of the NEU.

The French are only including themselves in the initial membership of the NEU and are expected to maintain control of all of the decision making bodies and writing all of the treaties, however it is thought to be keen to invite other countries to join in the not too distant future. The countries will expected to meet rigorous selection criteria including “speaking French, hating America and capitulating to every last one of our demands.” However, France has promised that its foreign policy will not be tied down by what bit calls the “outmoded and judgmental promotion of democracy”.

Instead, Jean-Pierre Raffarin, Prime Minister of France, claimed that France will use the NEU for “promoting the ideals for which France is justly famous. Liberty to sell arms to whomever we like, fraternity with all people of the world as long as you take our agricultural products and we don’t have to take yours and equality for all French speakers.” In return, it is expected that France will offer a combination of goods and services including access to exceptionally cheap wine, cut-price Nuclear power stations and some of the “best security information NATO has to offer”

Author’s note: There was a lot of chatter about George Bush and Tony Blair being Christians and wondering whether the “prayed together”. I quite liked the idea of treating extreme religiosity as an addiction.

President George Bush, a reformed alcoholic, has confessed in a moving address to the nation that he has swapped “one fix for another” and is now “100% addicted to God.”

Mr. Bush has decided to come clean about his troubles after realising that his dependence on God has now taken over his whole life and influences all of his decisions. “I need to take some time out to get some professional help” he explained. “I do not have responsibility for my own actions anymore. Everything I do is controlled by the craving to get the high that only God can give me.” Mr Bush claims that he has tried to wean himself away from his habit, but finds it impossible when there is temptation on every street corner. “Wherever I go, I can just walk into any church and get my fix. The God dealers are just waiting to welcome you and everything’s available: Jesus, Jehovah, you name it. And it sickens me to say it but they don’t care who they give this stuff to, women, kids, rich poor, just as long as they get you hooked and coming back to put money in their collection plate”

Mr Bush’s addiction is particularly worrying, as God has been conclusively proved over a number of years to lead its victims into violence, unwanted pregnancies and poverty. Mr. Bush himself has already started to show classic symptoms of paranoia and violence seen in other God addicts. He frequently invokes God when launching into intemperate and bellicose arguments and uses God to justify acts of assault or murder

Godwatch, the God addiction charity, believes that Mr Bush’s problems may simply be the tip of the iceberg. It feels that many of today’s world leaders share a similar addiction to various forms of God and this could lead to turf wars as groups of addicts try to establish their dominance in another’s patch. Godwatch also points out that it is all too easy for the powerful to get their hands on and abuse pure religion. “All it takes is money and you can buy yourself any religion,” reports their spokesperson Karen Hart. “The problem is before they know it, the religion has taken over and they are unable to control their habit. Sure they usually start on the soft stuff – a weekly visit to a church or mosque for social religion taking, the odd prayer or two. But then before you know it, they’re issuing fatwas or launching crusades.”

Groups including scientists and philosophers have been looking for some time now to create a God-substitute that could be used to wean addicts away from their habit. Their latest efforts to produce a so-called Grand Unified Theory made up of moral philosophy, evolution and mathematics have been disappointing so far though. Users have reported that a single hit of God is a simpler, quicker way to get high and that the GUT requires too much effort.

However, George Bush has promised to persevere with the treatment just as soon as he has attended “one more prayer meeting, for old times sake”

Author’s note: Congestion charging was about to start and Ken Livingstone was still the gift that keeps on giving

Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, has announced additional measures to ensure that anti congestion mechanisms will be effective in the UK’s capital and that, if necessary, extreme measures can be invoked to ensure the reduction of traffic using “all available force”

Dressed in combat fatigues, tin helmet and sporting a vast array of medals, Mr Livingstone announced that London would be looking to adopt the most aggressive stance possible against “congestion and the causes of congestion”. He explained that even though the Greater London Authority had erected a vast array of surveillance cameras that would monitor every vehicle travelling into the capital, it was clear that a large number of motorists were seeking ways to avoid congestion charging. Mr Livingstone confirmed that he would be taking personal responsibility for ensuring that they were brought to justice. “I am the law” he announced, toying playfully with a large Magnum 44.

Mr. Livingstone continued, “Even before congestion charging is introduced, we have become aware of people seeking to dupe the system by smothering their number plates with mud, employing sophisticated radar jamming equipment and – most frightening of all – walking, cycling or using public transport. This kind of behaviour will not be tolerated and I have immediately ordered additional security measures to stop it in its tracks.”

Mr Livingstone’s “Zero Tolerance, Zero Travellers” policy will come into force forthwith and uses several new techniques to discourage “cars, motorbikes, pedestrians and anyone else likely to clog up my route to work.” Initial measures will include upgrading the “ring of steel” surrounding the City of London with watch towers and sub-machine gun posts, converting the North and South Circular to a gigantic shark infested moat and stationing pearly Kings and Queens at all major access points to terrify unfortunate visitors with a couple of choruses of “Roll out the Barrel.”

In the unlikely event that these measure prove ineffective and a number of unwary commuters still mange to break through, Mr. Livingstone has indicated that he will go even further. Battalions of seek and destroy traffic warden death squads armed with the latest high-tech weaponry are being trained to issue cluster bomb parking tickets. Ninja attack units have been instructed to deliver “death chops” to errant cyclists and joggers and satellite guided star wars lasers are being loaned from the US military to remove lorries and vans, although initial trials have only succeeded in destroying 13 mosques and large parts of the Periphique in Paris.

In the event of all these measures failing, Mr. Livingstone has employed a final backstop position by building a “dirty bomb” that can be launched from within the confines of the former County Hall. The bomb will contaminate a conveniently congestion zone sized area ensuring that the centre of London will be unapproachable for the next fifty years. “Unless” explained Mr. Livingstone, “You have had the foresight to have invested your taxpayers money in an “EeZee Walk” anti-radiation suit and lead insulation throughout your central London apartment”

Author’s note: This still seems rather a good idea

The Government has launched a radical new plan for reforming the House of Lords after its current proposals became mired in political infighting. The new plan seeks to tackle the thorny issue of the selection of qualified candidates as well removing a huge threat to world peace by offering peerages to some of the world’s vilest dictators.

The plan was introduced by the current Leader of the House of Lords, Lord Williams of Mostyn, who hailed it as a “master-stroke” offering a solution to two of the most vexing – and majority threatening – problems in the world today. Lord Williams pointed out that the plan should have a very short lead-time as dictators would immediately feel at home in the Lords. “It is a fantastically opulent environment, offering round the clock waitering, the finest food and drink -all massively subsidised – and the opportunity to make up any laws you see fit without ever having to go to the bother of an election or the pretence of representation.” Lord Williams also pointed out that by providing some of the world’s worst dictators with a safe-haven, the Government would be removing a threat to world peace whilst ensuring that they have no affect on life in Britain as “the House of Commons will just do what it always does and ignore the stupid old sods”.

In addition to the ease of integration by the dictators into the Lords, it is also felt that the dictators themselves have many of the attributes familiar to the second chamber. Karen Hart, of the pressure group Dictatorwatch, explained that just like the Lords, dictators were an unelected, autocratic minority who performed no useful function and lived a life a luxury at the expenses of their subjects. “There is practically a 100% overlap in their job descriptions,” she explained. “It is also true that the majority of dictators are completely mad and hand over their position of power to a similarly insane first-born son. Frankly, the similarities are starting to scare me.”

However, there are reports of teething troubles during the first sitting of the new House. Lord Saddam of Fylingdales immediately declared all of the seats surrounding his as his own sovereign territory and laid down on top of them refusing to move and threatening to set fire to them if he was ejected. Archbishop Mugabe hogged all of the buffet lunch, refusing to let anyone but his own assistants (or Lord-veterans, as he referred to them) sit at any of the tables. Most perturbingly, Chief Justice Kim Jong-il was involved in a heated debate with Lady Milosoveic at the end of which he threatened to launch a portable nuclear periwig which he had smuggled into the chamber.

The Government is confident that these difficulties can be ironed out and is already looking at plans to extend the reach of the new chamber. Initial ideas are believed to include offering minor peerages to lesser dictators or corrupt democrats. The Government is also keen to extend the remit beyond the Lords and into the Royal Family itself. King George W the Junior is said to be considering the offer.

Author’s note: The space shuttle Columbia blew up in February 2003 adding to the general sense of gloom and foreboding, and also immediately creating yet another new conspiracy theory.

Conspiracy theorists have angrily denied any involvement in the Columbia disaster denouncing the allegations as part of a sinister plot to undermine their theories on the twin towers, Kennedy assassination and the most recent presidential election.

The shadowy reports state that a group of disaffected conspiracy theorists caused the explosion in order to generate a completely new area on which they can produce poorly researched pseudo-scientific articles, crank theories and massive sweeping generalisations. Speaking on behalf of “Behind you!” the international conspiracy theorists organisation, Melvyn Strange, claimed that ominous Government forces were at work behind the rumours. However, Mr Strange did accept that conspiracy theories have been under pressure for some time now. “Whilst it’s true that since Sept 11th world events have rather overtaken even our most paranoid blatherings, with reality proving more bizarre than fiction, the conspiracy industry has continued to generate a steady stream of highly implausible, tenuously supported hypotheses that still command an impressive amount of internet bandwidth. To claim that we masterminded the Columbia explosion simply to generate fertile new ground for a new set of crackpot ideas is ludicrous”

Despite Mr. Strange’s denial, the internet is already buzzing with theories concerning the disaster. Blurred photo’s purporting to be from the Shuttle cockpit appeared on the Conservative Christian website “Muslim Commie Childrapers” and show the Captain of the vessel desperately wrestling with Osama Bin Laden. The Anti-Capitalism alliance “Poor people hate money” claims that the crash was not caused by terrorists, but that the arch-Republican astronauts jettisoned their own ship rather than land at Cape Kennedy. The Global Jewish Conspiracy website claims that the Israeli astronaut caused the explosion after stealing all of his fellow astronauts money and then loaning it back to them at extortionate interest rates meaning they had to sell off vital equipment to make up the debt repayments. However, a Zionist site, Wewereherefirst.com, claims that the explosion was almost certainly caused by a Palestinian suicide bomber who had secreted himself in the Israeli’s hand luggage.

The Brains Trust spoke to leading conspiracy theorist Graham Hancock who is busy developing a “Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory” linking all major conspiracies including the Pyramids, Jack the Ripper, the moon landings and Lord Lucan into a single seamless whole. “It seems clear to me that the Shuttle disaster was caused by a rebel group of non-aligned theorists who wish to start up their own network of barking mad hypotheses. I am quite certain that this is funded by some sort of secretive Government funded counter intelligence organisation. In fact it may be that they have already secreted themselves into senior Government positions – has anyone else notice how much like Tony Blair looks like David Icke? I mean you never see them in the same room together, do you?”

However, in the US President George Bush denounced the “hysterical rumour mill” that had started in the wake of the tragedy. He explained that the CIA had already identified the likely cause as a “suspicious moustachioed Middle Eastern man answering to the name of Saddam seen lurking near the launch pad” and had already ordered the entire US military to take appropriate remedial action.

Author’s note: I was quite pleased with this – but Tom declared it unoriginal and declined to publish it

Authorities arrested Bill Gates today for the creation and distribution of what they described as “the biggest and most destructive virus the IT world has ever seen.”

The authorities swooped on Mr Gates at his messy Seattle home after an extensive year long investigation into the source of the mysterious virus which started to appear on peoples PC’s in mid 2001. The virus purported to be an “easy to use” operating system that offered the unwary user greatly enhanced facilities over their existing system. Once the user attempted to install it, however, it immediately wiped all previous installations and took several hours before it returned control of the computer to the user, usually after requiring several reboots and the insertion of a “Boot CD” that cunningly did not exist.

From then on, XP showed all of the classic symptoms of a virus. It would allow a PC to operate normally for a period of time, sometimes as long as several hours, before identifying that a crucial task was being performed and crashing the computer. Vital data would be regularly wiped from the hard drive so that it could not be recovered and attempts to recover it would generate screenfuls of random characters. The virus also collected personal information about the user, including credit card and bank details, and forwarded these to the Mr. Gates’ secret headquarters in Seattle. XP also continually installed other related viruses, including ‘Office’, ‘Outlook’ and the infamous ‘Explorer’ regardless of whether these were requested or not. It also aggressively removed other ‘benign’ programs that resided on the PC and may have interfered with it’s own ability to propagate or manage the computer and its relationship to the outside world.

The authorities finally tracked down Mr. Gates after employing a profiling specialist who was able to pinpoint the creator of XP as a frustrated loner, probably with a victimisation phobia and an unreasoning hatred of people with whom he felt in competition, no matter how insignificant they were. “Mr Gates fitted the profile exactly,” explained Detective Hal Burler, the policeman who ultimately made the arrest. “When we collared him, he just kept muttering about the Supreme Court being out to get him and repeating the phrase ‘Kill Linux! Kill Linux’ over and over again.”

Estimates of the damage caused by the XP virus run into billions. “It’s the most widespread virus that has ever affected the computing industry,” confirmed Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush of the Hysterical Overreation Institute. “It has infected both business and home users alike and caused terabytes of lost data, millions of crashed systems and massive amounts of time wasted with fruitless disc scans, reboots and system re-installs.”

Now that the authorities have captured Mr. Gates they are turning their attention to other viruses infecting systems. These are thought to include the infamous Oracle 9i virus, which tempts users to install it with the promise of greater security, better performance and a photo of Anna Kournikova’s bottom but then fills up the entire disc with turgid, unintelligible nonsense described as user manuals. Detective Burler was also keen to find the creator of what he described as “the Mother of all timewasters” known only as “The Internet”

Author’s note: As I have noted elsewhere I was broadly in favour of the Iraq invasion for reason’s outlined in this article. What a naive fool. It is also true that one man’s dictator is another man’s strong leader

A group made up of the world’s most brutal dictatorships has demanded that the US immediately ceases it bellicose threats against Iraq and stops its call for regime change as this could “seriously undermine the future of totalitarian dictators across the whole world”

The statement was made after the group attended a conference convened to discuss the reaction to a possible war with Iraq and suggest alternative measures. “It is clear that removing homicidal tyrants with violence is not the answer,” claimed Robert Mugabe in his conference address. “If we start removing one maniacal despot by force, before you know it they’ll be popping round and turfing all the rest of us out.” Mr Mugabe pointed out that for many years dictators around the world had been ruling via the use of revolutionary justice and a large number of exceptionally big machetes and had received no complaints from anyone. “Now is not the time to rush into things and change all that,” he claimed. “We could be throwing out years of hard-won experience of repression and best practice torture. What we need is a long and careful review of the situation and the widest possible discussion of options for change.”

Many of Iraq’s neighbours also addressed the conference. Syria and Saudi Arabia in a joint speech pointed out that the removal of Saddam Hussein and subsequent installation of democracy could cause tremendous problems in their countries. “Before you know it, every smelly Palestinian refugee will be demanding the right to vote. Women will be moaning on about equal rights and all those disgusting peasants will want houses, education and clean water- the mind boggles. Is this really the sort of plutocratic state that me and my fellow despots have brutally suppressed our people for? I think not.”

Peace protestors were also vocal in their opposition to regime change using violence. “It’s time to see the good side of these dictatorships” claimed Jonathan Flowers, Professor of Cultural Change and Modern Languages at Camden University. “People always focus on the negative aspects, like torture and murder and chemical weapons. But what about the wonderful uniforms, the lack of litter and superb parades. And let’s not forget that you don’t hear Mickey Moaning, Cuthbert Complaint or Sidney Swear-Word in the bars and cafes. Mr. Flowers was promoting his solution to allow the “promulgation of peace” via the use of “happy words.” “Language can be a powerful tool in overcoming negative forces and oppression,” claimed Mr. Flowers. “George Bush says Iraq is Evil. Well I say ‘Evil’ is just an anagram of ‘Love’. Almost. And it’s definitely an anagram of ‘Live’ and that’s what Mr. Hussein and his people should be allowed to do.”

The conference finished by suggesting a number of measures to allay Western fears but to allow an undemocratic, military regime to continue in Iraq. One suggestion was to allow Iraq a transition to a benign dictatorship, which, although brutal and repressive, would offer unstinting praise of the US and allow western oil interests unfettered access Iraq’s oil industry. Another scheme involved setting up a “shamocracy” whereby the people would be allowed to vote for anyone they chose. However, the voting would be carried out using an arcane hole punch system and all of the ballot papers would be chucked in the bin prior to declaring either the President, the President’s simple-minded son or the President’s simple-minded son’s brother as the winner.

Author’s note: This was originally written by an old friend of mine, the wonderfully named Rob Banks.

The leader of the Fire Brigades Union (FBU), Andy Gilchrist, launched a radical solution to break the deadlock in the fire strike today. “It seems clear to us that concentrating on pay and conditions has not worked in the current negotiations. As such, we have tabled an agenda which offers a modest pay increase and modernised working practice in return from a commitment by homeowners to assume first line firefighting duties themselves.”

Mr Gilchrist pointed out that most fires attended by the fire service resulted in massive losses as a result of fire and water damage, regardless of how quickly the fire was extinguished. “If people simply let fires burn out themselves, the damage is likely to be about the same. However, it will not cause disruption to a firefighters sleep patterns or the unnecessary use of firefighting equipment that could be better employed nipping down to the shops or attending a local charity event or supermarket opening”

The £85,000 a year father of four, speaking from his £800,000 mansion on the South Coast, complete with its own sprinkler system, then went on to call for a massive 40% drop in emergency calls. “I know this is an ambitious goal, but with public support, a willingness not to dial 999 and the following of a few common-sense rules such as never smoking, lighting fires or using candles, matches or other naked flames, I know we can achieve it. And in the event of a fire, our message to the public is simple: do not call out the fire service unless a firefighters home is also at risk.”

Mr Gilchrist sees this as an “escape route” to the stalemate of the ACAS negotiations. He remains resolute in his rejection of the employers “meagre” 11.6% offer, whilst other public sector workers were coming away from the negotiation tables with agreements in excess of 1.9%. However, Mr. Gilchrist did offer one other ray of hope by stating that he was prepared to enter into exclusive negotiations linking his own pay to those of business leader in a similar role such as the “Chief executives of Vodafone, GlaxoSmithKline or possibly the Prime-Minister” as a way out of the deadlock.

Mr. Gilchrist also urged the public to change its view of the fire-fighters as “do-gooders” who are prepared to lay down their lives for others at little or no reward. “Altruism is so 20th Century. We’re not the RNLI or Mountain Rescue Service, prepared to do a dangerous job purely for the benefit of others. The public service cry of the 21st century will be ‘What’s in it for us?'” he cried, clutching a copy of “If it Ain’t Broke – Break It”, by ex Hell’s Angel turned Management Guru, Hugo Z Hackenbush.

Mr Gilchrist finished by explaining that the philosophy of “public service” was radically outdated and people should now recognise firefighters entitlements under the Human Rights Act to minimum periods of “lounging about, playing pool and generally waiting for something to happen.”

Sidebar
Tips to avoid disturbing the fire service
Turn off heating before bedtime. It’s better to be cold than dead.
Don’t smoke roll-ups. You think they’ve gone out – they usually have, but there’s always a first time.
If you have pebble glasses, wear them in bed. The smell of burning will wake you up.
Take the 9v batteries back out of your kids toys. Put them back in the smoke alarms where they were in the first place.
Never leave candles unattended. Get an attendant.
Finally, if you have a fire, first try to put it out yourself. You know it makes sense.

Author’s note: I can’t remember what spawned this brief article but probably the usual massive overreaction to some news about genetic modification

Independent tests of the recently announced cloned baby have spread terror today, by confirming that scientists are “well on the way to producing a cloned child”

Speaking to a tense and nervous press conference, Dr. Hugo Z Hackenbush, Emeritus Professor of Cloning and Newsworthy Science at Oxford University, confirmed that he had completed tests on both Mother and baby and could confirm that the child contained as much as 50% of its Mother’s genes. “This is the worst possible news” wailed Dr. Hackenbush. “It means that a bizarre cult has somehow managed to get their hands on the technology to take a person’s genes and use them to produce a child. It seems inevitable that they will soon be able to find ways to boost the percentage to two thirds and then onto 100%. Before you know it we could see any number of organisms reproducing without sexual procreation – plants, bees, fish, amphibians. It goes completely against nature – God knows where it will stop. It’s terrifying.”

As newspaper editors rushed to responsibly highlight the doomsday scenario of a nation of “cloned zombie slaves”, Dr Brigitte Boisselier, spokesperson for the Raelian cult at the centre of the scandal refused to comment, but did confirm that their formula for cloning success involved “baby oil, chocolate sauce and some aroma-therapy candles”