Author’s note: The government’s obsession with controlling all aspects of freedom of speech was starting to pick up pace, with the usual odd responses from its defenders trying to pretend that saying horrible things wasn’t horrible.

The British Government has launched a new initiative promoting the use of happy, peaceful, parent-friendly lyrics in pop music and condemning the use of violent imagery in rap as “more lethal than a magazine of .44 cartridges emptied pitilessly from an Uzi sub-machine gun into an infant’s school.”

David Blunkett made the announcement to a packed House of Commons. He denied knee jerk reactions or petulance in response to the judiciary’s refusal to implement a mandatory 5 year sentence for possession of guns. “It is completely wrong to suggest that because we have shied away from one measure, we have picked on other easy targets that will grab the headlines but make little actual difference,” he claimed as he prepared to launch a bill outlawing the sale of potato guns, water pistols and catapults.

Mr Blunkett continued, “It is clear to all right thinking people that subjecting young people to a torrent of foul mouthed abuse, threats of violence and lewd sexual references is bound to lead to trouble – which is exactly why we try and keep John Prescott away from the under eighteens. However, the profusion of so-called rap music is forcing young men to go out and buy guns, demean women and disrespect authority. It is time to put a stop to it.”

The Government plans to immediately outlaw the use of a large number of words and “incendiary lyrics” and replace them with the librettos from popular operas. Mr Blunkett felt that these would offer positive roles models for young people explaining that they present a wholly different picture to the depravation, violence, poverty and sex featured in rap. “Surely it is not too much to ask that our young people can listen to music and not be confronted with prostitutes, murder, abandoned single mothers and bragging young men boasting about their sexual conquests. Classic operas such as Carmen, Madame Butterfly and Don Giovanni give us this chance. It is also true that a large number of operas are not written in English, which has the added advantage of teaching our youngsters a foreign language.” Mr. Blunkett then concluded with an example by serenading Robin Cook with the aria “Your tiny beard is frozen” from La Boheme.

Surprisingly, many rap artists have welcomed the announcement. Controversial rapper Eminem has already been studying the works of G&S. Speaking to BT dressed as Ralph Rackshaw from HMS Pinafore he explained that the librettos although essentially light entertainment also cleverly highlighted the hypocrisy and corruption of society in a similar way to his own work.” I am looking forward to adapting “I’m Little Buttercup”. Essentially I plan to use the same verses but just add the word fuck a lot. And possibly Ho”

Rap artists have hit back at the Government’s plans claiming that that they are misunderstood and that their lyrics do no harm. “Rap is all about reflecting life on the street and teaching respect” claimed controversial rapper MC Ren of NWA. “Anyone can see that my verse ‘I’m a sniper with a hell of a scope, takin’ out a cop or two, they can’t cope’ shows a thoughtful response to race relations with the Police.

Mr. Blunkett however swept these concerns aside and promised that the Government would continue to crack down hard on offensive elements of youth culture and was looking hard at introducing licensing of flared trousers, text messaging and Gareth Gates.

Author’s note: I was really pleased with this article. It was funny, it made some clever points and it tied together a number of different subjects (sci fi films and North Korea) rather well.

The US Government has dismissed a high-priority NASA report that it has detected a massive alien force moving rapidly towards the earth with obvious hostile intent and claimed that the US will defy this “minor threat” and will not be distracted from its preparations for war against Iraq.

“It is clear that the real threat to world peace lies with Saddam and his exceptionally well hidden weapons of mass destruction” announced George Bush in an emergency television broadcast to the nation. The broadcast was set up to pinpoint the “very real threat of imminent nuclear war” posed by Saddam Hussein. During the broadcast Mr. Bush explained that aliens hurtling towards the Earth, possessing massive “war of the worlds” style weapons and vastly superior intelligence was clearly a “worrying development that warranted careful monitoring”. However, several CIA reports indicating that Saddam Hussein could immediately launch a barrage of nuclear weapons “if only he could get his hands on any” required immediate action.

The broadcast follows on from Mr Bush’s recent dismissal of the growing belligerence of North Korea. The North Korean premier, Kim Jong-il, had originally claimed that he was restarting the Korean’s illegal nuclear power programme and would begin reprocessing uranium. This was met by mild diplomatic protests from the US. However a recent photo of Mr Jong-il sitting atop a large nuclear missile whilst exposing his bare buttocks to reveal a tattoo reading “Kiss my hole Dubya wuss-boy. This one’s going to Washington!” was felt to be indicative of Mr Jong-Il’s’s unbalanced and warlike intent. Mr Bush declined to be goaded by the Koreans, however, and pointed out that it was much easier to pick a fight with a despotic leader armed with imaginary weapons of mass destruction, rather than take on a despotic leader armed with real weapons of mass destruction that could very easily cause “actual US casualties.”

However, the imminent alien invasion is believed by many to present a much greater threat. A spaceship filled with Democrat Senators has been launched in an attempt to make contact with the aliens and convey a message of peace to them. It was last seen entering a portal at the front of one of the alien ships, which then appeared to let out a large burp. “We were hoping that Al Gore might have slowed them down a bit, but it doesn’t appear to have had any affect,” claimed Dr. Zaffery Clint of NASA. “We must now assume that the invasion will happen any day now.” Mr. Bush, though, continued to dismiss the intelligence as “just so much eye-wash” and pointed out a “far more worrying” report highlighting an Iraqi paint factory manufacturing several “khaki-like shades of paint” as clear evidence of the build up to an Iraqi invasion. Further reports from the Vatican of the recent sighting of “four horsemen, a beast with seven heads and a large horned creature holding a trident and laughing demonically” were described by Mr Bush as “scaremongering – just like that old, see-through guy with chains who keeps visiting me every night and telling me to turn away from evil.”

As a large alien spacecraft began to hover over the White House and a massive death ray started to hum ominously, Mr. Bush continued to insist that Iraq posed the greatest threat to world peace, but conceded that he may possibly look into buying some protective headgear “or a large umbrella” just in case.

Author’s note: Derek Gadd, the vox populis of the Brains Trust is actually a real person. But with a name like that you cannot expect to remain anonymous – the limelight will surely seek you out. And so it was that we published the interview with the shy celebrity

The Brains Trust celebrates the festive season by featuring a rare interview with the nations favourite vox populi – Derek Gadd.

Looking relaxed in his stylish corduroy trousers, suede shoes and unusually patterned tie, he exuded the quiet confidence of a man who knows that his breadth of experience and wide ranging interests allow him to tap into the pulse of the nation and reflect the quiet pragmatism that is the hallmark of the English.

“I think it’s very often just a case of right place, right time with me” explained Derek with his customary modesty stepping slightly to the left seconds before a meteorite slammed into the ground beside him. “I don’t really see myself as anyone special, I just seem to find myself in many situations where I feel I can offer some help and a constructive comment or two.”

Derek has enjoyed a hugely varied career, turning his practised hand and watchful eye to many different roles with deceptive ease. “It’s hard to say which I’ve enjoyed the most. My roles in the Police started with working my way up from a constable right the way up to becoming their head bee trainer and really allowed me to feel I was giving something back to the community. My time in the army was great and of course my recent time in the Government and civil service has been fantastic

Outside of work, his myriad of sporting achievements are also the envy of many lesser mortals. His lithe, tanned muscular body is a familiar site in many of England’s sports stadia. However success also breed jealousy. When he became the first man to break the three-minute mile, there were muttered allegations of performance-enhancing drugs. But Derek faced them with his usual good humour quipping “The thought of a nice cup of tea at the end of my run was enough to enhance my performance”. His good grace under fire went a long way to helping him become the head of the British athletics squad.

He also has a great fascination with technology and has been integral in the development of the World Wide Web. “It was strange, but I remember having a chat with Tim Berners Lee and said ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if you could, like, click on a bit of text on the screen and that could take you to another screen with related information on it.’ And he said ‘Awesome. That would be hyper cool, man’ And I joked ‘No that would be hyper text’.” His website is still seen as a seminal example of the web-designers craft, recently garnering a string of awards. It remains the most popular website in the entire world

Derek has not always been so lucky in love, however. Too many incidents featuring the world’s most beautiful people record the name Gadd somewhere in their telling. The unseemly cat-fight between Lollabrigida and Loren that broke out as the two Latin beauties challenged for his affections. The continual stream of paparazzi camped on his door to see which frail super-waif will be accompanying him to the latest premiere. The unfortunate naming of him in the Cruise/Kidman divorce case as the source of adultery with both parties must also have weighed heavily.

As Derek concluded the interview and got up to leave, this reporter noted that the torrential rain outside stopped and a bright shaft of sunlight shone down illuminating the path of this extraordinary ordinary man.

Author’s note: Lord of the Rings. You could not avoid it.

Concerns are growing over the use of merchandising and – especially – product placement in the new Lord of the Rings movie “The Two Towers.”

Speaking to a packed press conference, the film’s director, Peter Jackson, dressed as Gimli the Dwarf and wearing a leather jerkin and an enormous horned Viking-style helmet emblazoned with the logo “I’d feel hornier reading Playboy”, defended the film. “We have to recognise the commercial realities of making a hugely expensive trilogy of films such as Lord of the Rings. Without corporate sponsorship we would be unable to even start this type of project, let alone complete it and it’s simply ridiculous to claim that you can’t move without stumbling over something advertising Lord of the Rings. Has everyone tried these KFC Sauron Spicy Chicken Wings? You can see what gives the Orcs their great power when you tuck into one of them.”

However, despite Jackson’s claims that changes to the script to incorporate selected brands into the film were “quite subtle really”, many have complained that the whole venture has wrecked the story. Alarm bells were first sounded when during the Fellowship of the Ring, when the overnight stay of the Frodo and Sam at a rather “lack-lustre bed and breakfast” at Weathertop featured in the book, was replaced with them checking into a Holiday Inn and getting a special “small persons go free” deal offering an extra bed in their room. However, the sequel goes much further. Gandalf the White reads the elvish script at the gates of Mordor and declares that Frodo holds “The one True ring, exclusively available at Tiffanys”. The Fellowship of the Ring no longer eat Lembas the ancient food of the Elves, but now sustain themselves with a food from the ancient line of Burger Kings known as Whoppers and drink the precious nectar known only by the ancient name of “Coca-Cola”.

In the final battle of Helm’s Deep the words “Why not visit New Zealand?” can be clearly seen etched into the side of Mount Doom. Subtle changes in certain characters have also caused top-level comment. The Elf warrior Legolas has been renamed Legoland and he now carries a bow and arrow made entirely of small plastic building bricks. The Riders of Rohan now only wear Rohan clothing and frequently extol an alternative lifestyle of snowboarding, surfing and cycling and Gandalf can clearly be heard uttering the sacred incantation “I feel like Chicken tonight” before his final confrontation with Saruman.

Jackson was unapologetic, however and promised further product placement in the final film. “We are already talking to a whole new brand of sponsors and should be able to really align them with the subtleties of the story. Procter and Gamble have promised that Gandalf really will be transformed from the “Grey” to the “Whitest White” with their washing powder. I’m also particularly look forward to the final scene with Gollum and Frodo wrestling on the lip of Mount Doom, Gollum plunging to his death clutching the ring and a horrified Frodo turning to face the camera and exclaiming “Oh no! I forgot to renew my insurance!” as the Direct Line telephone number appears in the lava that has devoured his foe.

Author’s note: Despite months of waiting the US still hadn’t launched its invasion of Iraq by January 2003. It was inevitable, however.

Following on from the news that several movie stars have been tempted to make sequels to some of their most successful movies, including Mel Gibson in Mad Max, Sylvester Stallone in Rocky and Arnold Schwarzzeneger in Terminator, the US Government has announced that it is preparing for “the Mother of all sequels: Gulf War 2: Junior’s Revenge”

The film, which the producers hope will be an international hit, has been in preparation for several years and shooting is expected to start on or around the 11th anniversary of the first production on the 16th January. Scriptwriters have been working on the scenario for several months and the lead roles have already been cast

The original production was based on a classic conflict between the forces of good and evil and featured exciting battle scenes and a variety of hi-tech weaponry. Although criticised for it’s bathetic ending that left the hero showing mercy and turning away from the opportunity to destroy the villain, the production was an enormous success and left the door open for a sequel.

The Brains Trust has seen a leaked copy of the final script of the sequel. The hero, a simple man known only as George Jnr the self styled “Man with no brain”, is a reluctant leader forced by a grateful electorate to take up the presidency, despite no one voting for him. A shy, abstemious man, he remembers the homespun wisdom of his old pappy, who always taught him to respect the words of Kenny Rogers and “walk away from trouble if you can.”

However, he is eventually goaded into war by the blatant evil acts of the villainous Saddam Hussein and his cackling mad-side kick Osama Bin Laden. It is expected that the roles of Saddam and Osama will be played by Anthony Hopkins and Jeremy Irons respectively. Despite giving Saddam ample opportunity to turn away from evil, he continues to goad the hero by agreeing to every one of his demands. The hero’s best friend and long-time ally, Tony “The Tiger” Blair, is a square-jawed American, fearless in his protection of the most sacred US values and forever shielding his fragrant, innocent, wide-eyed wife from con-men. Light relief is provided by a group of comedy stooges known as the United Nations. The name is ironic and whenever they appear they are seen bickering, disagreeing and fighting with one another.

However, the sequel may not be the whole story. It is rumoured that the producers are eyeing up the success of trilogies such as Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Although it is still at a very early stage in pre-production they already have a working title and it is thought that the team are greatly looking forward to starting “World War 3”.

Author’s note: This was supposed to be an amusing, if slightly dark, bit of Christmas silliness. But with what we know now about the BBC, it looks rather prescient.

Police declared themselves satisfied with Operation Fairytale today, which has resulted in the arrest of a number of high-profile children’s entertainers on child abuse charges.

The operation follows on from a number of moves to protect children from perverts including not allowing the filming of nativity plays, never touching a child, ever, ever and ensuring that a child’s first words are “get your hands away from me, you filthy pervert”

Those arrested include many previously well-beloved characters. Father Bear was reportedly shopped by his own wife after abusing a girl who had “eaten his porridge”. The “big bad wolf”, in moves eerily similar to a recent case in Germany, is claimed to have eaten an elderly woman and attempted to do the same to her grand-daughter. Finally, the so-called good fairy is alleged to have disguised himself in a ballerina’s costume and lurked at the top of Christmas trees so that he could flash his knickers at youngsters.

The arrest of Father Christmas has also shocked many. Mr. Christmas, who has several aliases, has worked with children for many years. Previously, he had reportedly agreed to seek counselling for an obsessive-compulsive disorder, related to bulimia, that forced him to live the life of a recluse, hoarding items all year and then suddenly travelling the world and giving them away on a single night. However, he is now believed to have confessed to indulging his own perversions as a fat, bearded geriatric with a penchant for stockings, allegedly sitting children on his knee and giving them toys and sweeties as long as they promise him they’ll “be good”.

Speaking on behalf of the pressure group “Paedos are everywhere”, Derek Gadd explained that he was particularly disgusted at the arrest of the Fairytale characters. “These were supposed to be people that our lovely innocent angels could look up to and trust. They were supposed to teach messages of love and show strong moral leadership. Now it turns out they’ve been trying to poison children with toxic apples, forcing them to work as slaves and luring them into houses with gingerbread so they can torture them. And apparently they’ve been celebrating these acts of barbarism by writing them down and illustrating them. It’s disgusting!”

Mr. Gadd also attacked what he called the “quasi-mystical” elements of Christmas. “People are bringing pagan rites into the whole Christmas celebration. Everyone knows that Christmas is about giving presents, eating and drinking as much as you can and watching TV for 18 hours a day. That’s what people want – a traditional Christmas – not some weird ceremony involving stories about an unmarried Mother, three creepy foreigners offering unsolicited ‘gifts’ and some very suspicious and unsanitary sleeping arrangements with animals.”

However, Father Christmas was unrepentant last night. On being contacted by the Brains Trust he simply cackled with laughter saying, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas everybody.”

Author’s note: By now, the media had it in for Cherie Blair and so the revelation that she had been using some nutcase healer who had a boyfriend who was an Australian con-man as an advisor was manna from heaven and became known, in the time honoured tradition, as Cherie-gate.

The use of the word “gate” as a suffix to describe any political scandal is to be banned under new legislation put forward by the Government.

“The whole thing has got completely out of hand” claimed Home Secretary David Blunkett. “I mean, Watergate was an actual place which was fine. But then we had Contra-gate, Arms-to-Iran-Gate, Monica-gate. I mean it’s just ridiculous. And then it came over here – Archer-gate, Diana-gate and now Cherie-gate. Haven’t you people got any originality at all? How about Cherie-aide, for example, that would be a good one” he finished, looking rather smug.

However, the Tories have already called the removal of the suffix a scandal of unprecedented proportions and christened it “Gate-gate”. They claim that it is the inalienable right of “lazy and drunken journalists” to pour out “kant and cliché” with alacrity. “Our great tradition of the free press didn’t achieve success by coming up with original ideas or unique headlines” claimed Iain Duncan Smith. “They did it by pinching each other’s ideas and claiming them as a ‘world exclusive'”

However, the new legislation has received a welcome in other parts of the community, with many celebrities coming out in favour. Graeme Garden has explained how he dreaded the day his cottaging of 16 year old boys on Clapham Common would be revealed by the News of the World with headline “Garden-gate”. Gareth Gates has also expressed relief that his inevitable decline into drugs and Z-list celebrity status would never be described as Gareth Gates-gate. The non-appearance of headlines such as “Flood-gate”, “Golden-gate” or “Please shut the-gate” has also been greeted with relief.

As the ban started to take affect, bemused journalists sat around their offices staring blankly at articles on corrupt politicians, barmy advisors and blatantly homosexual celebrities unable to think of a headline. Others frantically placed slips of paper with various hyperboles written on them into a sack before drawing them out and using them to randomly assemble a headline. “I’ve got Scandal Disgrace Shock Paedo Creep Prince Charles” explained Derek Gadd chief crime correspondent for the Sun. “But it doesn’t really help with this article on Michael Portillo”

David Blunkett finished by claiming that the new measures will ensure a new era of originality in the British media. “And if it stops them going on about Cherie for a couple of days, then even better”

Author’s note: As Labour continued to settle comfortably into the middle ground a number of unions found themselves at odds with the government. GMB, RMT and the fire services union all remained squarely on the left and started to find themselves isolated and unsupported. Here’s an article from the news in brief section on the the fire brigade strike

A massive search was launched today for the fire strike, which has “completely disappeared”. The strike, a previously high-profile character was last seen on or around the 8th of December where it was reportedly looking grumpy and slightly dishevelled. It is claimed that it was very unhappy about the state of its relationship with its long time partner, the Labour Party. It had been complaining of having several visceral arguments over money and was suspicious that the Labour party had been courting other suitors. It had recently told a close friend, the Tribune group, that it was unhappy with the party’s constant philandering with “any capitalist tart with a big bank roll” and intended to walk out on the relationship unless changes were made very soon. The police are said to be very concerned as to the safety of the strike and are investigating reports of a large inarticulate man with a strong Hull accent seen arguing with it recently.

Author’s note: Iraq and the WMD and the continual inspections rumbled on, with Iraq (honestly, as it turned out) demanding they didn’t have any and the US and UK insisting they did.

Saddam Hussein is seeking a publisher for what his agent, Tariq Aziz, describes as “one of the greatest works of fiction ever written”.

“It is a daring, modern piece, pushing forward the boundaries of the written word,” explained Mr Aziz. “It cleverly juxtaposes the eternal conflict between the west and Islam using a metaphysical plot centred on Kalfkaesque ‘inspectors’ who repeatedly ask the same questions to attempt ‘see behind the veil’. Alternate sections are written in English and Arabic showing how language can cause conflict through confusion. And it also features a gratuitous 10 page gang-rape scene to get the key 20 to 30 year old demographic interested.”

The book itself is a twelve thousand page epic sprawling over 20 volumes. It has already been delivered to an international inspection team, where it reported to be garnering rave reviews. However, several critics have complained that a full review of the manuscript will take several weeks, possibly months owing to the complex plot featuring a web of deception and intrigue

The book is set amidst the sultry heat of Arabia in a mythical land of peace filled with ancient palaces, treacherous foreigners and a variety of extraordinary laboratories featuring alchemists making thousands of household items but definitely not any chemical or biological weapons.

The hero – an innocent victim caught up in events beyond his control – is a young, dashing ingenue known as Saddam. Despite his love of peace and determination to help children and animals he finds himself drawn into a web of treachery and revenge as his beloved country is bought to it knees.

The evil mastermind behind this desperate plan is George Dubya and his henchman the mad professor Hans Blix. Together they plan to take over the world by forcing a nuclear war and blame it on the hapless Saddam.

Distributors in the US have already snapped up the international rights to the work and editors are reportedly already furiously working to cut the book down to a more manageable size. The US editor supervising the preparations, Condoleeza Rice, told the Brains Trust that the book had to be adjusted for an international audience. “For example, the US readership will want to read all the bits about how many nuclear weapons the hero has, but not the fact that the US sold them to him in the first place. Our readership would find this confusing – they like moral certainties. Still the chapters about the French nuclear power stations are great.”

Publication is expected in early 2003 and a “gigantic launch party” is already being planned by the US distributors. “We’re going to get out to Iraq and have a blast,” promised Ms. Rice. “Those Iraqis will be so wasted they won’t be able to recognise their own house by the time we’ve finished”

Author’s note: Proof that the truth is often weirder than satire, there were religiously motivated riots over the Miss World competition in Nigeria. Attempts, to gloss over them became increasingly ridiculous, leading to….

Devastated victims on all sides of the Miss World riots have claimed that they were merely trying to make an amusing point in an ironic manner and that their opposite numbers “don’t have a fucking sense of humour”

The riots began between Christians and Muslims in Lagos after a Nigerian journalist, Isioma Daniel, published what she claimed was supposed to be a humorous and cynical review of the Miss World competition and it’s relevance to Africa. Muslim cleric Ibraheem Zakzaky claimed that he felt the article was a clever juxtaposition between an out-of-date competition judging fickle western ideals of beauty and the current dire status of Africa. “But the comment that ‘Mohammed wouldn’t have hesitated to pork Miss India – if he was allowed to eat pork!’ went too far. A jokes a joke and I like a good belly laugh as much as the next fanatical Islamic fundamentalist,” he lamented. “But referring to Miss Saudi Arabia as more likely to win if she was wearing her burkha was a step over the edge. I had no choice but to issue an immediate comedy fatwa and call for a full-scale ironic jihad. The problem is that these Christians just can’t take a joke”

The fatwa took the form of massacring a number of families using prescribed Islamic comedic principles. Families were killed using a variety of practical jokes, including exploding toilet seats, whoopee car bombs and imitation imitation firearms. Hordes of cackling rioters were filmed for the next issue of “You’ve been fatwaed” tripping up Christians with banana skins before beating them to death with sticks and wiring up the door handle of the local church to a 50,000 volt electricity supply.

However, the Christian community struck back at the Muslims in a similar manner. “Of course we understood that our Muslim brethren were making an ironic point about the futility of bloodshed over something as trivial a beauty competition,” claimed Archbishop Makinde. “So I can’t understand why they got so arsey when we responded in kind.” The Christians started by getting Muslim children to bungee jump from the top of a local minaret – only without attaching the bungee. They then moved on to a full-scale re-enactment of the sacking of Jerusalem – one of the most hilarious moments in history – using real houses and real Muslims to play the part of the comedy stooges who were hacked to death in the Crusades.

As Lagos was taken over in a city-wide celebration of the power of laughter to tear people apart, a decision was made to move the competitors to London for their own safety. However, the infectious humour had taken over and the women found themselves swept up in the tide of goofery. Miss India playfully pulled at the long, lustrous hair of Miss Pakistan removing “only a couple of handfuls”, whilst she responded by amusingly carving the name of the prophet into Miss India’s face with a nail file. As the Miss World pageant then dissolved into a frenzy of ironic slapping, scratching and eye gouging, Eric Morely was asked if he felt the wave of irony had gone too far. He replied, “Ooh! Catfight! Awesome! Let me get my camera”