Author’s note: A silly article from the News in Brief section taking the mickey out of one of our favourite subjects, alongside Ken Livingstone, Countdown.

Picketing continued outside the Countdown studios at Channel 4 today. Standing around a flaming brazier of colourful ties, books from dictionary corner and Richard Stilgoe’s beard, Richard Whitley lead the chant of “What do we want? Four consonants and three vowels. When do we want it? Now!” Whitely continued to insist that his demands for a “greatly extended alphabet, several new numbers and a lovely sparkly outfit like Carol’s” were completely reasonable and were well within the gift of Channel 4. However, attempts to staff the programme with what Whitely referred to as “scab labour” continued with Gyles Brandreth receiving “emergency pun training” and Anne Diamond taking a speed learning course in advanced mathematics and “weapons grade vodka drinking”

Author’s note: So, this is probably a good time to say that I was actually in favour of the Iraq invasion. Whilst I didn’t believe they possessed any WMD, I did believe that Saddam was a particularly vile dictator and removing him and installing democracy would be a good thing. I continued to believe that the invasion was justified but that the operation post-invasion was a disaster and the cause of much misery. It was only after the Arab spring and the subsequent fall of Gaddafi and the Syrian uprising that I began to doubt whether rapid violent revolutions, either from within or without, could effect beneficial change.

Anyhoo, at the time Russia, France and China were very much against the invasion and poor old Hans Brix, memorably lampooned in Team America, was constantly being accused of not looking hard enough for WMD. This was a fairly silly reflection of that

The UN weapons inspectorate furiously rebutted US charges that it had caved in to French, Russian and Chinese demands for a less able inspecting team and had put in candidates without relevant qualifications.

“It is ridiculous to say that I had no success as a nuclear inspector when working as the director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency,” claimed Hans Blix, head of the UN Weapons Inspectorate. “I always came top in the “find-a-nuke” simulation on our training courses. And how was I to know those North Koreans were lying when they said those large stockpiles of glowing containers were batches of luminous paint they were saving for Halloween? My Mother always told me to trust people, after all, the world would be a lot nicer place if people just trusted one another”

The Brains Trust escorted the weapons inspectors on their first inspections of Iraq. One of the earliest was carried out by Stan “Sniffer” Briggs formerly the chief weapons inspector for the Allied Forces during the Second World War. As he was helped from his bath chair by eager and helpful Iraqi officials, he stood in the doorway sniffing the air determinedly. “You can always smell ’em, weapons of mass destruction,” he commented, adding “Of course, it’s never been the same since they stopped using Napalm and Zyklon B. Nowadays, you’ve can only detect these new-fangled nerve gases with so called high-tech equipment. Well I say you can’t beat the old ways; a clear mind, a keen eye and a sharp ear. What did you say? Speak up man, stop mumbling”

Another inspection was carried out by a younger team led by Kevin Connolly of the 1st Infantry’s Mine Detecting division. Mr. Connolly, who had a pronounced stutter and who’s hands shook visibly, explained that he had never really been the same since a large mine went off after he had tripped over it during a training exercise. “And I’ve never been very good at handling conflict,” he claimed. “So I hope these Iraqis aren’t going to make a fuss about the inspections or I’ll have one of my migraines coming on before you know it. And all this hot weather and desert sand is bound to bring on my allergies. Give it a couple of days and my eyes will be all puffed up and I won’t be able to see a thing. You don’t have any Aspirin on you, do you?”

The Iraqis however continued to denounce the inspections and particularly resented the implication that Presidential Palaces may actually be secret weapons laboratories. Head of Artefacts, Architecture and Special Projects, Mustapha Maroud, commented, “Don’t these people recognise modern architecture? Of course, you traditionalists expect a palace to have turrets and moats and crenellations, but our cutting edge designs reflect the new urban ideal. Tall chimneys belching smoke, miles of pipes and guards wearing the traditional Iraqi dress uniform of lead lined suits and breathing apparatus are the new fashion, so get with it daddy-o.”

The US, however, continues to demand more rigorous inspections and has offered to help out by clearing away some of the clutter in Iraq using the special US cleaning services provided by sub -contractors “EasyBomb” and their new fleet of B2 Stealth Bombers.

Author’s note: The fire service, like NHS workers, can pretty much guarantee the support of the public and so their unions are often confident in making large demands for pay rises and other improvements to their contracts. I wondered what would happen if they were replaced by a similarly brave and skilled organisation, but one that took no government money….

The Government has announced that the Royal National Lifeboat Association (RNLI) is to assume firefighting duties throughout the UK.

The decision was made when it was realised that, unlike other rescue services, the RNLI is a voluntary organisation funded entirely from charitable donations and does not receive “a single penny of lovely, lovely Government money”. Fire Service Minister, Nick Raynsford, commented, “Lifeboat staff operate in a similar environment to firefighters. They use highly sophisticated equipment in dangerous conditions and help rescue people from seemingly impossible situations. However, they are also people who enjoy the thrill of danger and wish to help those in peril without thought of financial gain, unlike those greedy money-grabbing bastards in the fire service. So, by extending the remit of the RNLI to cover fires, not only do we get a group of enthusiastic, highly skilled firefighters, but also we don’t have to pay a penny for them. Just imagine what that will do for the MP’s pension pot?” he finished, leafing through a SAGA “Five star retirement homes” brochure.

Speaking on behalf of the RNLI Captain Derek Gadd claimed that they were confident they could bring a high-level of appropriate skills to the job of fire fighting. “As far as we can tell the fireman’s job involves the distribution of a lot of water and hanging around on rickety buildings and wobbly ladders. Well, if there’s one thing we know about it’s water and the pitch and yaw of a boat in 50 metre seas gives us plenty of practice in keeping our balance. How difficult can it be?” he said pulling on his oilskins and sou’wester before taking command of a fire engine with the traditional cry of “Avast there me hearties! Does anyone know where the rudder is on this thing?”

However, it is becoming apparent that some teething troubles have still to be ironed out. One of the first calls, to a large house fire in Solihull, Birmingham, had to be left to burn after the nearest lifeboat station, at Aberystwyth, on the Welsh coast was unable to attend owing to a lack of a convenient waterway. At a pile up on the M1 stricken motorists were approached by the RNLI, who came alongside the crash, and hurled lifebelts and winch lines to them advising them to swim for it. Attempts to rescue a cat from a tree in Ottershaw, Surrey also went disastrously wrong when, after the cat was recovered, the creature was taken to the coast and tossed “back into the sea”.

However, a furious Andy Gilchrist, leader of the Fireman’s Union, denounced the actions of the “RNLI scabs”. “Where would we be if everyone went around doing their jobs for altruistic reasons and no money? Before you know it, they’ll be providing first aid and agreeing to unnatural work practices. Still, they may be on no pay at the moment, but how long can it be before they demand a 40% pay rise. And then where will the Government be, eh?”

Author’s note: My first job was at Friends of the Earth and was an utterly depressing experience. It is a PR organisation, pure and simple, designed to spin facts and data to support their campaigns. If they put half as much effort into actually protecting the earth as they do in raising money or attending conferences the world may well be a better place. Like many campaigning organisations, they have to increase the volume and scale of their apocalyptic forecasts to get media attention. As such, they go very quiet when an the consequences of an oil spill turn out to be not nearly as bad as everyone predicted. Fun fact – Chris Jones was a customer of mine – a senior executive at GlaxoSmithKilne

The sinking of the oil tanker Prestige off the coast of Spain, now officially the worst catastrophe the world has ever seen, continued to wipe out all known species today. As endangered and common species alike clutched their throats and gave up the ghost, frantic efforts were underway to protect the few remaining organisms.

Speaking from an undisclosed location in a tropical rainforest “somewhere near Barnsley”, environmental campaigner Chris “Crusty” Jones, clutching a slightly oil-smudged pigeon, explained the situation. “This oil spill is the worst environmental disaster ever to have been seen on the face of the earth. Meteorites, volcanoes, typhoons, tidal waves are but nothing compared to this unprecedented tide of death that is sweeping over the planet. Greedy, evil oil companies whose only desire is to destroy our beautiful planet and fuel our lust for warm homes and convenient transport are to blame. Well, this shattered, once beautiful creature is the result” he sobbed holding the pigeon aloft as it pecked his hand and flew off looking rather relieved.

Concerns about the oil spill are especially high on the Northern Coast of Spain where it seems certain that it will deprive local fishermen of their essential livelihood of over-fishing and claiming subsidies. It is feared that the fish stocks will take some years to recover before they can once again be totally decimated by the enthusiastic Spanish fishing fleet. Blame has also been pointed at the Spanish and Portuguese Governments who refused to allow the stricken tanker to dock, directing it instead to Africa. “It was obviously the right decision to protect our fish stocks,” claimed the Spanish Deputy Prime Minister Mariano Roy. “After all, Africans don’t get subsidies and have considerably smaller fishing fleets who mainly supply their local population, so the affect on world trade would be a lot less than if the ship sunk in our waters. Which unfortunately it then did.”

As the debate over the oil spill continued, environmentalists produced complex mathematical models predicting the “near certain” destruction of creature after creature and showing how the world will become a barren wilderness unless immediate action is taken. “If you look at this detailed computer simulation” explained Mr Jones, holding up what appeared to be a long-division sum on the back of a Body Shop receipt, “you can clearly see how environmental desecration is changing the world. Everywhere our planet is being raped by cold-hearted capitalists and species are being forced to evolve and adapt, which is something completely unprecedented. At no time in history have changes to the ecosystem on such a large scale been seen and at no time has one group of animals become dominant and imposed its will on all other organisms. And if any mealy mouthed oil company sponsored scientist lackeys want to disagree, I say to them: ‘Go fuck yourselves. I get a nice fat grant to come up with this stuff and I’m buggered if small details such as facts, research or verifiable theories are going to stand in the way.'”

Mr. Jones then clambered up what he described as the “last remaining tree in the tropics” to take his place on the Rainforest Solidarity Front’s treehouse. As other groups joined him, assembling their own structures there was a loud creaking and the tree fell to the ground.

Author’s note: I am highly ambivalent about prison and its effectiveness, especially for people who are mentally ill or drug addicted. My father influenced my view. It was announced in the 1990s that they were going to build a secure establishment for treating peadophiles near our family home. There was a predictable reaction and some neighbours appeared on our doorstep with a petition demanding it be abandoned. My dad refused to sign it, reasoning it was better to treat these people and try to prevent them reoffending in a secure establishment than in other places. It was an honourable stance, but not a popular one. Anyway, this very dark piece was an attempt to encapsulate that rather lonely stance

Paedophiles across the UK have expressed horror and remorse at their actions and vowed that from today they will cease their perverted activities. Speaking on behalf of “Deflower”, the underage consent pressure group, Trevor Upshaw explained, “The death of Myra Hindley after a lifetime in prison has shown us all that we cannot go on abusing children and expect to get away with it. It is time for us all to give up and turn to more socially acceptable behaviour”

The death of Hindley in jail after successive Home Secretaries refused to commute her life sentence has acted as a stark warning to other child molestors and their apologists. Until now it was argued by these groups that it was safer to treat paedophiles for their proclivities rather than simply lock them away in prison. However, the unforgiving attitude of the authorities to Hindley and the hostile media coverage has convinced the doubters that “locking these perverts up is the only solution. Preferably in the same cell as several burly football hooligans”

Dr. Julian Bryant of the Prison Reform Trust agreed. “It may seem crazy, but I used to believe that trying to understand these people and attempting to cure them, or at least help them to overcome their perverted desires, seemed a sensible course of action. Now it seems so obvious that shoving them in jail and printing headlines such as “Rot in Hell, you evil bitch!” will show everyone how evil these people are and stop others from emulating them”

Across the country child abusers have been stringing themselves up by the genitals or performing “rudimentary but effective” self-castrations using pinking shears or clapping together two house bricks. Hordes of Catholic priests have formed lengthy queues at specially set up 24 hour confessional booths before hurling themselves onto “mobile pyres” helpfully provided by the fire service and the Daily Mail. Some, unable to wait, have desperately sought to confess and absolve themselves shortly before performing self-excommunication and then committing suicide. At swimming pools across the land, middle aged men wearing revealing bathing costumes have been attaching large lead weights to themselves and then hurling themselves in at the deep end.

Fired up by the policy’s success in combating paedophilia, David Blunkett has gone on to announce new laws to protect all innocent members of society from sexual abuse. “It is vital that we recognise how many people are victims of sex abuse and provide as many new laws as we can to help them”. Under the new legislation, which Mr Blunkett promised would be carefully drafted after several minutes meticulous review, any sexual act carried out with anyone could result in immediate incarceration if consent was not obtained in writing and signed by both partners parents or guardians. Furthermore, consent could be subsequently removed on discovering the following morning that “you’d actually been a bit pissed, your sexual partner was slightly less attractive than Gus the Gorilla or you just felt a bit ashamed of yourself for being such an easy lay.”

The media has been quick to show how it led the way in cleansing the UK of the “filth that walks our streets and lurks behind every corner.” Piers Morgan, Editor of the Sun, speaking from the set of his photo-shoot recreating the cremation of Myra Hindley entitled “Burn! Burn, you evil fucking witch, Hindley” commented, “It’s time that people realised that zero tolerance is the only language these people understand. And frankly, the law should recognise the rights of a mob of well intentioned public spirited people to surround a suspected paedophile’s house and burn it to the ground.”

Author’s note: Paul Burrell, the late Diana’s butler had been charged with pinching some stuff and the case was dismissed. However, he then decided to sell his story to the Mirror which caused the other papers to turn against him

The British media has continued its onslaught against Paul Burrell, former butler to Diana Princess of Wales. The Sun has declaimed the “filthy lack of respect and loyalty” of Mr Burrell demonstrated by “selling his story to those cunts at the Mirror rather than us.”

The Sun has lead the attack on Mr. Burrell. After the dismissal of allegations against him most members of the press praised Mr. Burrell’s bravery in the face of unfounded allegations and an over-zealous police investigation. However, the Sun now claims that the “mask of kindness” has been ripped from Mr. Burrell’s face to show the “deceitful, lying, treacherous two-faced bastard he so obviously is.”

The Sun’s claim is based on the decision of Mr Burrell to sell his story to the Mirror, their biggest rival. “By choosing to support this red-flag waving, homosexual scandal sheet, Mr Burrell has shown us all the side of the bed on which he sleeps. And with whom, as we reveal on pages 4 to 15 of our searing investigative report into “Paul Burrell – Queer Thief Liar who hates our lovely Royal Family.” The report reveals Burrell’s “myriad homosexual relationships” with many high profile lovers including “Michael Barrymore, John Leslie, Saddam Hussein and, who could forget his camp Arabian lover, Osama Bin Laden?”

A further section entitled “Paul Burrell – Spawn of Satan” also reveals Burrell’s membership of a “Devil worshipping black magic cult,” who can be regularly found “Masturbating and laughing over Diana’s grave in Althorp Island.” The report also features an exclusive interview with Diana’s brother, Earl Spencer. “We gave Paul everything and he betrayed us” he explained sobbing into one of his dead sisters ‘kerchiefs, he keeps close to him as a keepsake. “Perhaps we were too soft on him. Letting him walk around Kensington Palace in Diana’s dresses whilst wearing her favourite tiara should have set alarm bells ringing. Allowing him to sell her most precious items and insisting that he have unfettered access to all the charity funds we collected on her behalf. I’m sure he made the best use of them, but it’s such a shame those AIDS infected babies had to die so that he buy that Mercedes”

However, the Mirror has hit back calling for the deification of “St. Paul the Second – the people’s Martyr.” The paper ran a special double length issue, with every section featuring articles on Mr. Burrell. Highlight’s included “Burrell bashes Aussies in 3000 run Ashes victory”, “Burrell tells Iraq: Don’t make me come over there” and “Paul Burrell single handedly saves 15 children and pet dog from blazing building whilst greedy Sun reading firemen stand and jeer.” The edition also featured articles on “Burrell supports Queen, even though the callous old bat tried to put him away for life” and “Sun reader Charles shields evil rapist aide from justice.”

Mr. Burrell was unavailable for comment and was said to be looking forward to resuming his career in fossicking, frottaging and world class buttling.

Author’s note: As the Harry Potter film’s proceeded and the characters grew up there was a darker tone to the films, which led to an obvious conclusion

Concerns are growing over the decision of the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) to pass the new Harry Potter film with a 12A certificate after demanding only modest cuts from a film which Warner Brother’s admits contains some of the most brutal and explicit scenes ever filmed.

Christopher Columbus, the film’s director, admitted that he had pushed the envelope in deciding to release for classification a film that contains scenes of mutilation, violent bullying and beating a person to death with a broomstick. However he felt that the hyper-realism employed justified the inclusion of these scenes.

“It’s time young people grew up,” he declared. “Which obviously they will do. And this film will help them to understand the realities of society in a private school for wizards. This film does not pull its punches in revealing the sordid underbelly of bullying, intimidation and sex that goes on in these places. Christ, this film is so realistic it could be a fucking documentary.”

Although many familiar favourites from the book are included in the film, many have been altered to suit the new darker tone. The game of Quidditch is now based on Rollerball with heavily protected school children brawling in mid-air to grab the golden orb. One scene features Harry Potter ripping the helmet from a fellow player and repeatedly smashing his studded glove into his head. The replacement of the Ghost Nearly Headless Nick with a blood slavering, partially decomposed Zombie who appears in successive scenes exhibiting more and more putrefaction is also likely to raise some viewers eyebrows.

Mr. Columbus also defended scenes showing the “sexual awakening” of Hermione Granger. The scenes feature what Mr. Columbus describes as “Hermione’s first delightful forays into the pleasures of the flesh.” “They are completely valid in the context of making a film about kids struggling to understand their own bodies as they move into adolescence” claimed Mr. Columbus. “The charges that this is pornography tailored to satisfy the lust of men with an unhealthy interest in young girls is ridiculous. And anyway, let’s be honest, who’s going to be interested in a scene of a spotty 13 year old boy learning to masturbate?”

The film has also shocked some viewers by its use of language. A scene with Harry Potter confronting Lucius Malfoy and calling him a “cock-sucking motherfucker” then claiming he was going to “blow your fucking head off” with his semi-automatic wand loaded with dum-dum spells capable of “turning your insides to strawberry jam” caused some parents to faint with shock, although their children seemed unphased.

The BBFC justified its decision by explaining that it’s guidelines clearly stated that viewers were entitled to be treated like adults, especially children, and make their own minds up as to the acceptability of sex and violence in a film, adding “Kids today, eh? Who’d have ’em?”

Author’s note: Iraq and the rest of the world waited gingerly for the invasion from the US that now seemed inevitable. The phrase Weapons of Mass Destruction – a catch all that implied nuclear devices or chemical weapons, but could include any high explosives, was everywhere. Iraq didn’t have chance using conventional tactics so what about unconventional ones?

The Iraqis have launched a new strategy for building up their armed forces and weapons capability in the face of greatly increased UN inspections and an increasingly hawkish attitude from the US. Rather than investing in destructive capability or large numbers of highly trained militia, Iraq will instead develop its capabilities in “making it look like we’re a lot tougher than we are” by using “distraction, deception and disruption”

Information that has come into the hands of the Brains Trust, shows that the Iraqis have already embarked on investing in these “weapons of mass distraction.” They have recently purchased at least 3000 inflatable tanks from the UK, a large number of “quite realistic, AK-47 style” potato guns from Belgium and a great quantity of “exceptionally loud” fireworks from China.

“The West will take one look at this lot drifting over the horizon and they will be out of here quicker than you can say ‘tactically planned withdrawal’,” claimed Mustapha Al-Ayyam, Commander-in-Chief of the 3rd Inflatable Sex Doll Garrison, as he frantically prepared for an inspection of his troops with the aid of a foot pump and a Dunlop bicycle tyre repair kit. However, Commander Al-Ayyam does admit that there are reports of teething troubles in some Iraqi divisions. “There was a mix up with the gases and we ended up filling our Chieftain tanks with helium and our F-14 fighters with carbon dioxide. The sight of an entire battalion of tanks launching into the air, whilst impressive, lacked the gritty realism we sought.”

The Iraqis are also employing other new methods to frustrate any attempts to force regime change. It is believed that all Iraqi soldiers are being trained in “Distractics: the art of distracting your enemy.”

“When confronted by a US soldier who is better armed, better trained and better fed it is essential that our soldier maintains the advantage,” claims an Iraqi training manual. The Distractics include teaching Iraqi soldiers English phrases such as “Ooh! Look! Behind you!”, “You’ve got a smut on your nose, Bud” or “Quick! I just saw Saddam on a bicycle going round that corner.” When the invading force is distracted the Iraqi is then taught to invoke the “tactics of evasion” such as “pretending to be a lamppost, hiding in the nearest bush or giving the oppressor a wedgie and legging it, pronto”

Most chillingly, it is also believed that the Iraqis are intending to take these new techniques into the heart of the west. An Al-Qaeda training camp has reportedly been training its conscripts in the “tactics of mass disruption”. Operatives are already thought to be working in the heart of many cities. In central London a terrorist army of “white van drivers” use suicide driving techniques and collateral damage parking to ensure that the capital is unable to function normally. Squads of suicide queue jumpers are prepared to risk death at the hands of angry shoppers by pushing to the front of a queue and then insisting on paying for low value items with a cheque whilst not being in possession of any form of ID. A Government memo provides the last word on the near certain destruction of society that will result. “The potential for massive numbers of dead and injured as irate shoppers collapse with frustration or turn on one another in hand-to-hand umbrella fighting is massive. And if they ever succeed in their efforts to drop massive numbers of traffic cones on our roads, then God help us.”

Author’s note: Microsoft had just been handed an anti-trust ruling and its Windows operating system and Office products bestraddled the world, but were becoming ever more complex and difficult to use. And they hadn’t even released Vista, yet…

Following on from the landmark antitrust ruling against Microsoft which backed away from splitting the company up and instead issued a stern rebuke exhorting the company to “Play nice and stop bullying everyone”, Microsoft has announced its plans to push ahead with the development and launch of its new Windows operating system.

The announcement was made by Bill Gates from the front of his enormous home “Geekland” where every function is controlled by Microsoft software. After coats were handed out to waiting reporters to combat the freezing temperatures produced by air-conditoners which were “awaiting a software patch” Mr Gates began. “We guarantee that the next release of the Microsoft Windows and Office suite will be so packed with features that no one will ever use more than 10% of them,” he boomed out as the PA system automatically turned the volume to 12,000 decibels to compensate for a Jumbo Jet that had passed overhead three days ago. “We have also ensured that the bits people do use will be stuffed full of irritating features, non-intuitive questions and functional dead-ends. As the dominant software company in the world, owning 99% of the desktop software market, this asserts our right to do whatever we damn well like. It says to the public ‘Stuff the lot of you. Frankly, we don’t give a damn.'”

The new system, code-named “DirtyWindows”, will boast a “dramatically improved ergonomically designed user interface.” The software shall “enhance the richness of the user experience” by ensuring that everyone has to spend several days searching for previous beloved functions or shortcuts that have now been renamed or completely deleted. Microsoft claims to have carried out the world’s largest ever customer survey to gather peoples opinions on their software and promises to “study the result very carefully before we completely ignore them.” Vice President of Customer Delight, Brad Buckenheim, presented Microsoft’s analysis of the results commenting “Fuck me, you people sure do moan a lot, don’t you? We give you all of these features and functionality and all you do is whine on about a fucking talking paper-clip. Christ, don’t you know you can easily change it to a cute puppy or kitten. We even gave you an hilarious mad professor. Sometimes I think you people don’t want help. Well in DirtyWindows we guarantee you won’t get any. We have decided to completely remove all help facilities from you, you whining, miserable tossers. Instead, you’ll get a premium rate helpline that links you to our state of the art call center in Uzbekistan where even now we are teaching our staff the how to say the phrase “Yes that is a known feature which will fixed in the next release” in rudimentary English.

As Mr. Buckenheim then fell into a large trapdoor that opened unexpectedly beneath his feet by the house control system which had detected a “large delivery of coal”, a demonstration of a beta-release of the new Microsoft Office suite was provided. New functions include the spell double-checker, which continually queries whether the user is sure that a word is spelt correctly, finishing with the message “Hey! I was talking to you! Are you sure this is right? Don’t you dare shut me down” on closing a document. Other are the Microsoft “Cliff-hanger” function which automatically deletes the last paragraph of any document to create a mood of mystery and suspense and the Excel random number inserter which automatically changes a single number in a spreadsheet once it reaches a pre-defined level of complexity.

At the end of the demonstration, Karen M Hart, chairperson of the Microsoft User Group expressed her groups view that “this seemed the logical extension of Microsoft’s previous release strategy.”

Author’s note: I didn’t ever finish this. Popular television personalities Angus Deyton and John Leslie were both in trouble for the usual shenanigans with drugs and three-in-a-bed romps. More seriously, Leslie was then indirectly accused of rape by Ulrika Johnson and I think I decided that an article joking about him being less bad than the current Tory leadership had gone seriously off the rails.

It was confirmed today by high-level sources within the Conservative Party that they were seeking alternative candidates for leadership and that owing to the “piss poor” nature of those available within the party they were being forced to “cast the net a little wider.”

“Angus and John Leslie are natural Tories, even if they don’t know it yet” claimed top Tory strategist Hugo Z Hackenbush. “They are charming rogues with no morals who will do anything for money. It’s practically our manifesto. They also fit the principal requirement for leading the Tories; namely they are white Anglo-Saxon males. We’ve only broken that rule once and look at the trouble that caused. And it’s well known that electing a woman was a mistake that was only discovered in the showers on a shadow-cabinet Rugby tour of France in ’79. They also both have other vital qualities missing in recent leaders – they have a personality and aren’t bald”

“Angus is still a very popular figure with the public and his ready wit and debating style could be just what we need to add some sparkle to Prime Minister’s question time. His cocaine sniffing will give him vital insights into how we should be formulating our drug’s policy and what could send out the message of tolerance better than a man with direct experience of creating a single parent family?”

It was admitted that the reintegration of John Leslie could be trickier, but one of his keenest supporters, Sir Teddy Taylor was keen to point out that everyone should be given a second chance. “I mean we forgave Michael Portillo the fact that he was once a toe-touching, fudge-packing, bendy boy, didn’t we? At least John Leslie is all man with red blood running through his veins. And as for these hysterical women shouting ‘rape’ at every opportunity – it’s obvious they were begging for it. And it’s well known that Ulrika likes a bit of rough”

However, other career options may also be opening for the pair. The makers of the James Bond films have reportedly approached them both for screen tests for the role. “They both have that edgy, devil-may care allure of Bond” explained Barbara Broccoli, the producer of the films. “We may have to make some adaptations to the character – having him have a double life as a breakfast television host with a beautiful assistant, for example, although we aren’t anticipating testing Fern Britton for that role.”

The Tories though are expected to put up very tempting package on offer for either of the pair. “Look at the opportunities available as leader of the Tories – a nice safe seat with almost complete immunity from prosecution, plenty of foreign travel and top totty like Edwina Currie throwing themselves at you.”

Mr. Hackenbush, however, dismissed claims that the leadership may be offered to Michael Howard.