Author’s note: I’v no idea of the context for this, but I’m guessing the National Lottery was in trouble for not giving enough to good causes.

The beleaguered UK National Lottery has announced a new set of games with which it hopes to restore its fortunes. The games were announced by Lottery Chief Executive Dianne Thompson at a press conference this morning. “These new games will exploit a strategy of ‘high-risk, high-reward’. They will allow players to get some of the biggest prizes on offer in the world, but will also offer commensurate losses if they fail to win.” Ms. Thompson then went on to preside over the first scratch-card game “Win a Million” by enthusiastic punter Derek Gadd. “This is brilliant” claimed an excited Mr. Gadd. “I can now walk into a newsagent, hand over a quid and potentially walk out a millionaire.” Mr. Gadd then scratched off the card to reveal three lemons. “Right, well I’m afraid that means you now owe us a million” explained Ms. Thompson to an alarmed looking Mr. Gadd. “Look it’s no good complaining, I think you’ll find the full title of the game is ‘Win a million (*lose a million)’. The risks are clearly set out in the small print on the back of the card by this asterisk underneath the enormous printed banner saying “Get Lucky with a Millionaire Lotto. It all goes to good causes and paying for my bonus, you know.” At this point, Mr. Gadd was led away by several burly ‘credit advisors’ to discuss the Lottery’s attractive new re-mortgaging options.

Author’s note: Bloody French, always sticking their oar in when it’s not wanted and preventing the invasion of Iraq. Typical.

The disagreements between France and the United Kingdom at the recent EU summit have now escalated into a serious diplomatic incident with the UK demanding the immediate and complete replacement of the entire French Government.

The argument started between British Prime Minister Tony Blair and French President Jacques Chirac over the deal agreed privately between France and Germany on farm subsidies. A furious Mr. Blair reportedly called Mr. Chirac a “garlic chewing subsidy junkie” and Mr. Chirac responded by claiming the Prime Minister was a “Guitar strumming Anglo-Saxon capitalist God-boy.” As the argument became more heated the two men had to be separated after Mr. Chirac grabbed Tony Blair’s hair and started to pull it chanting “Tony Blair! Tony Blair! He’s Dubya’s boy with girly hair!” and Mr. Blair started to kick Mr. Chirac’s ankles promising to “set Charles Clarke on you, just see if I don’t”

At the end of the summit, tensions still remained high and the French demanded an immediate apology after Mr. Chirac was found to be wandering around the closing press conference with a large sign labelled “Kick Me!” fastened to his back. A furious Mr. Chirac named Mr. Blair as the culprit claiming he would recognise “that scrawly hand” anywhere. Mr Blair responded equally furiously shouting “Did not!” with Mr Chirac responding “Did! Did! Did! With knobs on!”

The press conference ended acrimoniously with both sides promising to “get one another”. Despite Romano Prodi’s subsequent efforts to patch up the argument, the United Kingdom has now declared France a rogue state and has demanded immediate regime change.

Mr Blair outlined the “entirely reasonable” demands that the UK required to restore normal relations across the channel. “We demand the immediate closure of the Al Qaeda training camp at Sangatte. The production of cheeses of mass destruction must cease forthwith. And the ruthless suppression of other cultures must be stopped – the French people’s right to speak English must be recognised.”

Mr. Blair also went on to describe how he had already assembled the biggest cross channel invasion force since the Second World War. “At all of our major southern sea ports we have massed ranks of shoppers waiting to board our flotilla of ferries. Our motorised division of MPV’s and Volvo’s is ready to stream over the channel and overwhelm the puny forces of French Shopkeepers. Our search for cheap wine and excellent patisserie products will be relentless.”

He concluded by explaining how the UK had been left with no choice but to declare direct rule on France until they are willing and able to install a Government that the rest of the world recognises as being acceptable. “For too long now the French people have lived under an autocratic and corrupt regime. It is time to finally replace this puppet Government.” Mr Blair then introduced the “new French Government” which would be headed up by John Prescott as “his renown language skills will help build up an entente cordiale with the French people”. Other functions have also been set-up to reflect “French national interests” including the “Ministry of Garlic”, “Ministry of Wine” and “Ministry of Soap – make sure you use it at least once a day.”
The United States has promised its full support for the United Kingdom’s initiative, calling it “reasonable, proportionate and very likely to get right up their enormous French noses”

Direct rule
Demanding the closure of Al Qaeda training camp at Sangatt
Immediate halt to the cheeses of mass destruction
Invasion by cross-channell ferries. Shoppers will overwhelm the megre forces of shop assistants
US has promised full support “For too long the French have lived under the autocratic and corrupt regime. Their puppet government and prentence at democracy.

Author’s note: This was a different take on the Moscow Theatre Hostage Crisis in 2002. It was never published as Tom Salinsky, the Editor in Chief at the time, felt it trivialised the event. Which it did, but it was still funnier than the published version.

The Russian Government has finally revealed that the mystery substance used to overcome the Chechen Terrorists was not a secret gas, as previously suspected, but an “alternative dance group funded by Camden Council”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” claimed Russian President, Vladimir Putin. “We knew that it was risky and the damage to innocent hostages could be high, but we were left with little choice.” Mr Putin went on to explain that at about 6AM on the morning of the rescue, shots were heard from inside the theatre and the order was given to release the dancers.

“They were introduced via the air-conditioning system and immediately entered the stage where they began to perform their ‘primal dance routine’ named ‘The disconfiguration of Mother Earth by globalists’. It is described in their programme as ‘a thought provoking piece which shows the rape of the Earth by big business juxtaposing the elegance of classical dance with the aggression of hip-hop accompanied by an atonal piano score by deaf composer Igor Scratchan.’ Within seconds we could hear agonised groans from the audience and moments later they began to drop to the floor. Within a minute both terrorists and hostages were unconscious, numbed with the shock of the performance.”

Mr. Putin also revealed that the approach was being studied by the anti-terrorist units of several other countries. “Whilst it is clear that this technique requires some refinement, this daring use of alternative dance has proved its potency in overcoming terrorists,” he claimed. “It is now only a matter of time before similar forms of alternative entertainment become commonplace in the anti-terrorist arsenal.”

Reports are already coming in of international flights being accompanied by ‘security jugglers’ and performance artists. However, the introduction of stilt-walkers has had to be curtailed after one of them inadvertently put his stilt through the fuselage resulting in the decompression and crash of the plane and subsequent deaths of 340 passengers and crew. Several countries have also installed fire-eaters and feminist comedians on emergency standby in their Parliament buildings. In the Middle East a team of suicide modern poets has taken up residence in Gaza and reports of covert Peter Greenaway films being smuggled into Iraq have yet to be confirmed.

Mr. Putin finished by regretting the deaths caused by those unable to withstand the shock of the treatment. However, he justified the strong measures and claimed that in future he would not hesitate to introduce mime artists, East European animation or even Harrison Birtwhistle if the situation called for it. Speaking on behalf of the dance troupe, Petra De Souza declared that she was very pleased with their performance and was especially delighted with the audience reaction that was “much more lively than we were used to.”

Author’s note: An article very much of its time. It was in hindsight a rather prurient look at Ulrika who appeared to have slept with almost everyone in the UK. In its defence it did also have a go at Angus Deyton, too

The population of the UK remains cowering in its houses as the mystery slapper continues to strike at random members of the population. Reports continue to flood in of seemingly random sexual liaisons from the woman, known only as “Ulrika”, which leave the victims with their lives ruined and coverage as a wronged victim in “Hello!” magazine their only chance of making a living.

“No one appears safe from this woman,” explained Detective Inspector Derek Gadd, head of the Metropolitan Police’s Serious Slappers Unit. “Everyday we see yet another innocent person struck down by a deadly accusation or incriminating photo.”

The Brains Trust spoke to Chris Jones, a pipe fitter from Brentford, about his experience. “I didn’t know what hit me” he explained. “One minute I was on an emergency call-out to try and fix a washing machine, the next I was chained in her “love-dungeon” and indulging in a form of oral sex that I had previously believed impossible whilst being beaten with birch twigs. I don’t know what came over me. The wife and I are normally happy with it a once a week on a Friday.”

The police admit that they are baffled by the random strikes on innocent members of the public. “The victims appear to have no relationship to each other. They are of differing race, age, social status, even gender. We have no idea whether she gains some sort of perverse gratification from these foul deeds. Although, if she wants to get in touch with me directly, I’m sure we can get to the bottom of it,” continued Detective Gadd, rather too eagerly.

The police though are concerned that the intense news coverage has started to generate “copycat fornicators”. Another operator, known only as “Angus”, has also started to claim several victims. “This man seems to operate in a similar fashion, picking his victims at random and then committing some sort of outrageous drug fuelled orgiastic ritual often with several victims at once. I don’t know how he gets away with it. It’s a bloody disgrace, that’s what it is” claimed Detective Gadd, by now appearing a little tetchy

Detective Gadd finished with an urgent message to the perpetrators.  “We would appeal to them to come forward and give themselves up to the authorities. Their current method of communication of sending cryptic message via discreet newspaper articles is frustrating and leaves us unable to help them cure this addiction. Alternatively, if they do want personal help we have an emergency Tara Palmer-Tomkinson on standby ready for action”

Author’s note: As I write this during the Covid exam debacle, this seems rather timely. It was the first attempt to increase university attendance, mainly by lowering the standards of A levels and particularly by abandoning the normalisation of results. Which just left to massive grade inflation. Not that I’m bitter at all, oh dear me know

The entire system of A-Level examinations resigned today, declaring that they were a “bit rubbish” and “not really up to the job of trying to evaluate a child’s ability”.

The announcement was welcomed by new Education Minister, Charles Clarke, who claimed it endorsed the Governments policy of “disowning everything that was unpopular with the public.” Mr. Clarke went onto explain that the Government now recognised that the resignation of the A-Levels showed that the “brand had fallen into disrepute” and endorsed his decision to appoint media advisors Fuckwittery and Kant to completely overhaul the A-Level Brand Management Strategy. After “several days intensive study, a large number of executive strategy lunches and a couple of million pounds” the study has recommended an entire brand re-launch of the “wholly new, wholly untainted Level-A exams.”

Mr. Clarke then went on to explain how the new Level-A’s will differ from current exams. “Part of the ongoing problem with A-Level’s is that they concentrate on the outdated notions of intelligence and achievement. New Labour long ago discarded such reactionary ideas and has concentrated on activity and marketing rather than delivery or accomplishment. This is exactly the strategy that we will deliver with Level A’s. These new “assessments” will be a reflection of effort rather than ability, they shall reflect a can-do attitude rather than saying “look at me, aren’t I clever? I can pass exams”

Mr. Clarke continued “The new Level A’s will not be ‘exams’ as such but rather a multi-faceted examination of a pupil’s ability to attend school, spell their name correctly and sit through a 40 minute lesson without belching, masturbating or assaulting the teacher. At the end of each lesson, the pupil will hand over their ‘Level-A Loyalty Card’ and will be awarded Level-A points. These will rapidly mount up and can be redeemed against a selection of chosen Level-A subjects or other valuable gifts or vouchers.”

Mr. Clarke then handed over to Rupert Murdoch whose company will be running the new Level-A accreditation scheme. Mr. Murdoch explained how the new Level-A’s would not be constrained by the traditional routes to educational attainment, such as attending classes or lectures but would be offering new channels to market. “This will be a People’s accreditation,” he claimed. “For example, we shall be launching a new Level-A Lotto. If the examinee selects 5 correct numbers, they can claim an effort free Level-A or if they get 6 numbers they can claim 3 effort free Level-A’s. Of course, we shall also be offering a dispute service so that if the wrong numbers are selected, the participant can go to arbitration.”

Mr. Murdoch also held up the latest issue of the Sun which was launching its “Great Level-A Give-away” promising each reader a Level-A if they collected only 4 tokens. Subjects included “Why Thatcher was right”, “Immigrants and their skiving ways to claim hard-earned taxpayers money” and “Jordan’s tits: are they the business, or what?”

Mr. Clarke concluded by explaining that the Government would also be launching a Gold Standard Premium Service, which would involve the candidate sitting through a rigorous selection process, “Although we may also look into a similar plan for people who don’t wish to become a Labour MP”

Author’s note: My scant knowledge of sports was once again put to good use

Following his recent suspension and record fine by the FA, Roy Keane has announced that he is to retire from football to pursue a legal career.

Mr. Keane made the announcement standing on the steps of the Old Bailey clutching a stack of Lloyds law reports and clutching a copy of Briggs GCSE Law Primer. As he adjusted his barrister’s wig he explained that he was “going to show these legal poofters the real meaning of a strong defence.” Mr. Keane went onto explain that after years of mastering the tactics of attack and defence on the football field he was now ready to take those same skills into the courtroom. “It seemed like a good time to familiarise myself with the courts and the legal system,” he mused. “Especially as after my biography was published it looked like I was going to be spending a lot of time here, anyway.”

Mr. Keane went on to introduce his first case, the defence of Mr. Chris Jones recently accused of aggravated burglary. “My boy has previously shown excellent form and I’m delighted that I’ve been able to persuade him to transfer from his previous barristers. I shall be bringing an aggressive attacking style to my defence and am confident that I can get the opposition on the back foot from the start.

However, Mr. Keane has employed an unorthodox style that has not been without incident. During the defendant’s cross-examination by the prosecution he continually interrupted the proceedings to shout advice from his “dug-out”, as he insisted on referring to his bench. This took the form of encouragement to the defendant and included “Get further back. They can see right through your fucking defensive wall. Go left you fucking idiot. Fuck me, a blind man could have seen that fucking question coming. Don’t tell him you were at the scene-of-the-crime you fucking wally.”

When the judge, who Mr Keane insisted on referring to as “your honour the ref”, attempted to intervene he was also subject to wry observations from Mr Keane. “What do you mean ‘objection sustained’ you wig-wearing wanker? That question was never out of order You couldn’t keep control of children’s tea party, you geriatric cunt”

During his cross-examination of a prosecution witness, Mr Keane also had to be physically restrained from continually diving to the floor and shouting “Foul!” whenever the prosecution objected. He was also seen to repeatedly approach the witness and elbow him in the face, claiming that the man had “walked into his arm.” However, on managing to get the prosecution to admit that they had made a mistake in the timing of the alleged event. Mr Keane leapt up onto the bench, hugged the defendant, yelled “Goooooaaaaaaallllll!!” and then turned to the prosecution, adding “Your not singing any more! You’re shit and you know you are”

After the trial, Mr Keane explained that he felt it had been a game of two halves and a closely fought contest where his team had exhibited a free-flowing attacking style. He also felt that they had been unlucky to come away nursing a narrow defeat with his defendant being found guilty on all charges and receiving a 30 year sentence.

Mr Keane concluded that he was generally happy with his first performance adding that at least it would show people that “after my book I really can string a sentence together.”

Author’s note: This was a very dark take on the Bali Bombings

The world breathed a sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that “few, possibly no” US citizens were affected by the bombing atrocity on the isle of Bali. After initial concerns that this was a major international outrage, the US is now standing down after confirming that the vast majority of casualties were not American

Brigadier-General Budi Setiawan, Bali’s Police Chief, was the first to report the good news. “Although many of the dead and injured bore a superficial similarity to many US citizens, in that they were fair skinned and spoke English, I can assure the USA that they were principally Australians and therefore unlikely to be of any interest in the war against terrorism.

As the glad tidings were confirmed over several hours, US news agencies gradually dropped their reporting of the events and returned to coverage of the sniper that has killed 8 “innocent, hard-working US citizens.” ABC News broke the latest theory that the sniper was likely to be an Al Qaeda operative “or possibly Saddam Hussein himself, probably on some sort of hunting vacation”.

The Indonesian authorities also rushed to reassure the rest of the world that they are not a terrorist state and do not harbour anti-US terrorist groups. “Our terrorists have clearly targeted other nationalities and as such this should be of no consequence to our American partners,” claimed Indonesian Premier Megawati Sukarnoputri. “I can assure the USA that there is no need to assist our fight against terrorism by launching a full scale aerial bombing assault or deploying tactical nuclear weapons. In fact we’d be pretty grateful if they just left us alone.”

However, the US, mindful of its clear international obligations to protect its citizens when abroad, has offered support to the Indonesians by supplying intelligence and investigative support. “We have been using the same state-of-the-art techniques to track down these evildoers as we have used to track down Osama Bin Laden and his kin,” explained President George Bush. “From our initial examination we can say categorically that this bore all the hallmarks of an Al Qaeda operation. It was carried out by evil people, it involved a bomb and it resulted in the deaths of many innocent civilians, albeit not American ones. What further proof do you need? This is clearly the work of Al Qaeda and their main sponsor Saddam and further reinforces the immediate need to remove this evil despot.”

Mr Bush also declared the US’ determination not to be distracted from the war on terrorism by diluting its efforts away from the pursuit of Iraq. “People may question why we do not root out terrorists in other countries. For example, over 1000 people were massacred last month when hiding in a hospital in Bunia in eastern Congo. But that misses the point – militiamen, not terrorists, butchered these people and anyway none of them were American. You must also remember that all terrorism in the world is clearly sponsored by Saddam and until he is removed world peace can never be established. And anyone who doesn’t believe me can just look at these 15 Government commissioned reports which tell me it is”

End

UK was also able to downplay the significance. “We must not forget that far more US and UK citizens were killed by the events of 9-11 and that the US still feels humiliated by it’s inability to capture any significant Al Qaeda operatives or that it left Saddam in charge. As such, this links the terrorism and Iraqui parts

We must not be distracted from our determination to remove Saddam by minor events that do not involve US citizens in Indonesia, Congo, Ivory Coast, Rwanda. Our task must be to create a Hollywood style villain and single-mindedly pursue him. Distractions of this type will confuse our simple to understand media strategy.

Author’s note: There is something about politicians throughout the ages – they all appear to be sex-mad narcissists. Male or female, left or right, all ethnicities. They are all at it and then stepping out for a bracing bout of self promotion. Edwina Currie launched a book in which she “reluctantly” revealed her affair with John Major.

The Brains Trust can reveal today that through judicious use of its readers’ money it has managed to obtain an advance copy of Edwina Currie’s searing political revelations as well a copy of Ms. Currie’s diary for the coming weeks. Curiously, many of the entries in the diary appear to have been already completed.

Ms. Currie’s book has already received much advance publicity after an interview in which she revealed that she had conducted a long affair with John Major. Ms. Currie has explained that she felt obliged to tell of the affair as it was in the best interests of “the nation, John Major, Norma Major, my ex-husband and absolutely nothing to do with trying to flog a few extra copies of my book”

However, the Brains Trust, can reveal that the Major affair is but one of many shock revelations to come. Her diary makes clear that Ms. Currie is racked with guilt over each admission and plans to confess all to an expectant public in the coming weeks. Here are some extracts:

October 10th: Blenheim Palace Bookfair. Tearfully confess to public that I am Winston Churchill’s love child. If only his surviving relatives had kept the birth certificates or the photo’s of me sitting happily on Daddy’s knee, there would be no doubt. But they were all destroyed on his death. I know that the nation will forgive him and I will make sure that I appear on national television reading the relevant passages from my book to show them that despite his drinking & abandonment of me, he was a good man and I loved him.

October 12th. Westminister Book Launch. I do not care about my book anymore. I wish I had never written the 400 page bestseller. Or the second volume covering the giddy heights of my career from 1992 onwards. If only I was not a slave to the truth, I would not be forced to reveal my torrid three-in-a-bed romps with Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Meacher. I was only trying to bring our two parties closer together. If only I hadn’t let Charles Kennedy take those photos we could have kept the whole thing hushed up. Still, I feel purged by including the details of the affair in chapters 3 to 7 of the sequel.

October 20th. Publishers International Launch. I suppose the world will condemn me for not speaking out about the affair with Bill Clinton sooner and letting poor Monica take the blame. I am amazed that no one recognised the blue dress.

October 25th. Windsor Conservative Association. My publishers have spoken. They have forced me to write a 600 page prequel and insist that I include lurid details of my affair with the Queen Mother. I was only trying to make an old lady happy. She found it hard to resist my vivacious body and innate wit and compassion. I loved her very deeply and was shocked when her family rejected me by not inviting me to the funeral.

October 29th. Whitehall Private Book Signing. Am forced to confront Tony and force him to choose between Cherie and me. No, hang on a sec. No one’s going to believe that.

Author’s note: The music industry has always been spectacularly club-footed when it comes to new technology and particularly music sharing. Their attempt to stop illegal downloads by offering a day of free downloads really worked well.

The music industry’s decision to launch a day of free music downloads met with spectacular success today after every group associated with music piracy agreed to give up their illegal activities immediately.

“It seemed pointless to go on,” explained Helmut Mechmech, spokesman for the KaZaA network of file sharing. “How can we be expected to compete against this kind of strategy? True we may have over 3 million users logged on at any one time sharing 3.5 million gigabytes of pirated material but how can that compare with a whole 24 hours to legally download as many Celene Dion tracks as you like? It’s just not fair”

Brad Barlett of rival network Morpheus agreed. “These guys really caught us on the hop. There we were getting ready to launch Morpheus version 3.0 with improved downloading times and easier searching when suddenly we’re faced with this” he sobbed. “What the Hell am I going to tell all my developers. Those guys have sweated night and day to get this software working. And what about the advertisers? There’s no way they could expect to make a bean after the music industry have done this”

However, Hilary Rosen of the Recording Industry Association Of America (RIAA) explained she had no sympathy with the pirates. “If these guys seriously thought that we were just going to stand back and let millions of people listen to music without paying for it, they were seriously mistaken. The fact that that is exactly what we’ve done up to now was just a ploy to give us time while we prepared this killer blow to piracy. Combating free music downloads by giving people free music downloads has proved that we have the moral high ground and that these pirates are thieves who can never prosper. And our extensive advertising campaign in the US has also shown these guys who’s going to win this war!”

This was confirmed by Sven Swetland chief technology officer for Grokster “I was chastened by the advertisements in the US,” he explained. “Seeing Britney Spears comparing copying a file to bursting into a music store with a gun and spraying the customers with bullets before filling up a truck with CDs and setting fire to the store – that was a real powerful image. I now truly believe that what we do is a sin and we deserve to be punished for it. In fact, I am just gathering up my collection of 346 CD’s with convenient to store and manage MP3’s on them and taking myself to the police station. I’m demanding a custodial sentence at the very least. Anyway, I’m hoping that by administering this corrective action I may still be in with a chance of a screw with Britney.”

Author’s note: I think this was probably written in response to a bizarre story about Bill Clinton, who spoke at the Labour Party Conference. He then popped up, with Kevin Spacey, at a Newcastle McDonalds.

Following the increased number of sightings of Bill Clinton around the UK, the authorities have confirmed that they no longer believe these are mass hallucinations but must accept that Clinton is present in these shores and have put the country on a state of high alert.

“We must accept that these sightings are not just figments of people’s over active imagination” explained Metropolitan Police Commissioner Derek Gadd. “For years now the popularity of shows like the X-Files and Rosswell have led to a huge number of hoax or mistaken calls by people who thought they had seen a former US President lurking in their back garden or hovering in a mysterious manner above their local chip shop. However, we always knew the day would come when this may turn out to be real and they would try to seek contact with citizens of the UK.”

The first sightings of Bill Clinton were reported in Newcastle at a local burger restaurant. He was said to be accompanied by several other-worldly beings and the staff were uncertain it was him until he spoke, ordering “15 Big Mac’s, a bucket of Chicken Nuggets and 3 pints of diet Coke. And what are you guys having?” Mr Clinton then appeared at a mass gathering of worshippers and believers in a conference hall in Blackpool. “We were all standing there with our hands joined in prayer, pleading with him to show himself,” claimed devotee Robert Khan. “And then suddenly he was there amongst us, moving about the crowd in a mysterious way.”

There are now huge numbers of people who have seen the former President in the British Isles. He has reportedly been witnessed opening a Kwik-Save supermarket in Gloucester, manning a stand at a car-boot sale near Ayelsbury (although he explained to passers by that he was “just looking after it for a second while his mate Kevin nipped out to the loo”) and attending a conference on Globalisation and Third World Debt with several world leaders in the City of London.

“There is no telling how he got in to the country,” continued Gadd. “The problem now is trying to track him down. He can blend in anywhere, frequently travelling alone, making do with the most frugal of provisions. Then before you know it he’s popped up out of the woodwork again and he’s making a nuisance of himself performing a public ceremony or telling a string of amusing anecdotes.”

Mr. Gadd went on to explain that the worst might be yet to come. “Our evidence is that these guys like to travel in packs. I’m sure that even as we speak Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and George Bush Snr may be lurking by the entrance to the channel tunnel or trying to sneak in at Heathrow. God knows what we’ll do with them all.”

However McDonalds have already come up with a novel solution by offering to replace Ronald McDonald with Bill Clinton as their mascot. “It seems the most logical solution,” said company spokesman Chris Jones. “After all we’d simply be replacing one burger munching, red-faced clown with another”