Author’s note: The US was becoming increasingly annoyed that the UN would not agree to military action against Iraq, so the solution seemed pretty clear. I never finished the article, but here’s the gist of it

George Bush has announced that the US has declared the United Nations a rogue state and has initiated a “merciless campaign” against it until it capitulates to the will of democracy, freedom and the rule of law by recognising the rights of the United States to do what the Hell it likes.

As F-14 fighters strafed the United Nations headquarters in New York, a startled Kofi Annan explained to a hastily assembled press conference was that he had received a short communiqué from President Bush. The missive explained that US military intelligence had discovered that the so-called United Nations contained several members from known terrorist states including Iraq, Iran and Libya. Furthermore, it had come to its attention that even the UN Security Council was full of pinkos, commies and subversives who seemed highly unlikely to ever agree with the US on any matters of vital national security. This, the note went on, explained an awful lot about the UN’s stance on weapons inspections, pre-emptive anti-terrorist action and population control. As such, the US was left with no choice but to commence the immediate invasion and submission of the “evil and warlike” UN.

The press conference was then dispersed as several garrisons of Marines invaded the hall and announced the immediate internment of anyone with “funny sounding names.”

Author’s note: A Labour party conference and Ken Livingstone (who had been thrown out for not being New Labour and standing against the hopeless candidate Frank Dobson. Irresistible.

Ken Livingstone has taken the opportunity on his visit to Blackpool to announce his new transport policy for “the whole of the UK” explaining that as “London was the most important part of it, you might as well give me control of the whole bloody lot.”

Mr Livingstone, who had been attending the Labour Party conference in Blackpool so that he could “climb up the Tower and show those Party fuckers my arse”, explained that the new transport policy was the work of several hours intensive review, a number of tequila slammers and at least 2 grams of cocaine. He then went on to present the outline of the policy to the assembled throng of media personalities, union officials and journalists banned from the conference bars.

“Everyone knows that the main problem with transport in this country is that trains don’t run where you want them to at the time you want them to,” Mr Livingstone explained whilst trying to read the label of a bottle of Lytton Springs ’95. “So we shall be replacing the trains with a system of door to door taxis. They shall be based around a central communications hub in the Cricklewood region of London, currently known as Mike’s A1 Mini-Cabs, which coincidentally happens to be next door to my house. These taxis will run along the railway lines currently used by the overcrowded and unreliable trains and can be hailed from anywhere, rather than having to be boarded at stations as previously. The only exception to this will be if “high-priority” taxis are en-route, such as those carrying a London Mayor on his official duty, in which case the general public can bog-off. In addition, stations, which will now be known as coach houses, will be redesigned and outsourced to Marco Pierre White and Gordon Ramsay and will be available for use by hungry or thirsty high-priority taxi users, such as the London Mayor. This brilliant scheme will ensure the immediate upgrading of outdated rolling stock with a fleet of Mondeos and Nissan Sunnys and at a stroke will remove the risk of VIP passengers on journeys of national importance getting held up at the Watford bypass and thereby missing the best canapés.”

As Mr. Livingstone finally managed to uncork the bottle of wine he was holding using a coat hanger, a penknife and a small revolver that he carried to “ensure his personal security”, he went on to outline further transport initiatives. “It seems to me,” he said, waving his revolver uncertainly around and fixing his eye on an Evening Standard journalist at the back of the crowd, “that we could reduce traffic congestion considerably by discouraging cars from the roads and encouraging the use of buses. As such, I will be introducing a system of road tolls requiring motorists to pay £1000 per use of road. Furthermore, I shall be introducing the death penalty for anyone who doesn’t use a bus at least 3 times a day. Such as you fuck-face!” he yelled before loosing off several shots in the direction of the Standard journalist.

As the press conference rapidly dissolved with Mr. Livingstone continuing to fire randomly into the crowd shouting “Keep death off the roads! Vote Ken Livingstone or die!” it was announced that the 11:10PM from Blackpool to London had been delayed.

Author’s note: I’ve always had a soft spot for Jeffery Archer, he’s always seemed a rather amusing and generous person who has managed to drag himself back up from various scandals. I’ve even met him once and he was charming. Anyway, he was sent to jail for lying and I thought I would have a bit of fun.

In this issue, the Brains Trust begins its hard-hitting serialisation of Jeffery Archer’s explosive Prison Diaries. In these testaments to the sordid underbelly of life as a lag in British prisons, Archer turns his gimlet eye to expose the over-crowding, deprivation and brutality that are everyday life for the convicts banged up in jail. The shocking treatment of those on the wrong side of the tracks is revealed by Britain’s top investigative writer. We warn our readers that they may find some parts of these uncensored passages upsetting.

From the start Archer reveals the loneliness and solitude as well as the appalling food in North Sea Camp Prison:

“Monday. Luncheon with Ken Livingstone, Andy Trotter, Metropolitan Police Deputy Assistant Commissioner, and the Prison Governor. Discussed crime policy and the affect of licensing laws in London. Disappointed that Peter Stringfellow had been barred from the refectory for refusing to remove his rings which wardens claimed could have been used as a knuckle-duster. These chaps really are the limit. Found hair in my Terrine au Foie Gras avec Calvados. Shocking. You’d thing Albert Roux would keep a closer eye on this sort of thing.”

The overcrowding of cells is also revealed by Archers pitiless glare:

“Wednesday AM. Joined in suite today by new chap who will be using third bedroom. Jardine Fortesque. Ghastly, gauche old Harrovian clearly born on the wrong side of the stable door. Apparently convicted of spending his company’s pension fund on roulette and attempting to exhaust two identical eighteen-year old Swedish twins. We are now forced to share my private dining room and en-suite bathroom as he managed to bung up his lavatory during a routine search for drugs.”

Bullying and intimidation are never far away in the repressive atmosphere of fear that permeates every part of the prison.

“Wednesday PM. Dropped my tennis racket on way out to local members club to knock a few balls around with Jonathan Aitken. Nice chap, but he does insist on starting each set with a prayer and hug which rather puts one off. Anyway, the warder refused to pick the racket up for me. Had to remind him who I was and issue a sharp rebuke. Honestly!”

In the final, most thrilling passage he details how he single handedly thwarted a daring prison breakout.

“Friday. Had arranged trip out for all of my wing for a spot of culture. Everyone very enthusiastic. Insisted on packing a lot more clothes than I would have thought necessary for a visit to the theatre. Unfortunately, everyone dropped out with tummy upsets shortly after I revealed we were off to see the Lincoln Players production of my play ‘The Accused'”

Author’s note: One of our most popular articles! Michael Barrymore had a spectacular fall from grace with an unfortunate chap dying at what appeared to be a gay party (he was “happily married”) at his house. Simultaneously, the UK had published the most ridiculous dossier which claimed Saddam definitely had weapons of mass destruction and could probably get nuclear weapons, which I imagine must be terribly easy to find on eBay.

Michael Barrymore, beleaguered television personality and “most hated man in Britain” could have nuclear weapons “within months, possibly weeks” a shock new report has claimed.

The report, by the independent think tank “Pinko Commie Liberals Must Die”, provides a detailed point by point analysis of the threat posed by Barrymore to world peace. The report claims “definite probable evidence” of his stockpiling of materials necessary to produce chemical, biological and other weapons of mass destruction. In one of its most chilling sections, the report shows how Barrymore could have his hands a nuclear weapons within a frighteningly short period of time. “If Barrymore could lay his hands on a substantial amount of fissile material, assemble a team of physicists and engineers with a detailed understanding of how to construct a nuclear weapon and obtain a long-range missile to deliver the payload there is nowhere in the world that would be safe. His swimming pool could almost certainly be disguising some sort of secret weapons lab and we believe his presidential palace in Essex would be an ideal location in which to secrete weapons of mass destruction”

The report has been immediately welcomed by the Government as evidence that their continued campaign against Barrymore is justified. “Although we always urge caution before wading in and launching all out annihilation of our suspected enemies, in the case of Barrymore we are prepared to make an exception,” claimed Foreign Secretary Jack Straw. “This man’s blatant abuses against decent family television and his continued pledges to desist from the pursuit of poor quality programmes and turn his endeavours to the production of excellent light entertainment have all come to naught. He has laughed in the face of all right thinking people and he must now be taught a lesson. I am ordering the immediate despatch of all available troops to Essex to lay siege to this despot’s regime”

The British Press has supported the campaign against Barrymore and several papers have also highlighted his bizarre lifestyle. The Daily Mail’s article “Sodomite Barrymore’s Palace of Sin”, detailed Barrymore’s taste for the depraved and the exotic as well as his “blatant unabashed homosexuality. His local postman and close confidante, Kevin Penge, explains in the article how Barrymore enjoys watching video’s of “small furry animals being tortured. He also eats a lot of chocolate – much more than any normal person. And did I mention he’s a poofter, too?”

However, a number of campaigners including Les Dennis and George Galloway have sprung to Mr. Barrymore’s defence. “The man is a harmless narcissist who lives in a fantasy world” claimed Mr. Galloway. “The fact that he could stand up in a coroners enquiry and lie through his teeth should not be held against him. There must surely be very few people in the world who haven’t done such a thing once or twice.”

Mr Barrymore was unavailable for comment and was said to be viewing properties in Iraq.

Author’s note: I was on holiday when this issue was due out and I think this was my only contribution. The US were making increasingly impossible demands to Iraq in order to ensure that they could invade them when they didn’t meet them. I was also vaguely obsessed with the enormous glasses worn by Saddam’s (Christian) number 2. I think this was completed by Robert, but I don’t have the final draft, except I remember that one of the demands was a “set of goats should be taught Scottish dancing to a professional standard”

The US has stepped up its war of words against Iraq by issuing a further set of over 60 demands that must be “immediately complied with” including “the removal of Saddam Hussein’s moustache, the replacement of Tariq Aziz’s glasses with something more stylish and the opening of a McDonald’s restaurant in the Ike Abbasid Palace.”

The US denied that the new demands were unreasonable and designed to humiliate the Iraqis. “It is completely untrue to suggest that we are a nation of warmongers desperately spoiling for a fight,” claimed President Bush. “I can assure you that we have very little intention of fighting in the conventional sense of the word. Instead, we are planning on carpet bombing Iraq for several months before any US servicemen move into it and start any actual fighting. These new demands are vital to ensure that Iraq has moved away from its role as sponsor of terrorism and is prepared to meet its international commitments. It is clear that their offer to let in UN weapon’s inspectors is simply a trick and this will show whether they are truly committed to peace or not.”

The US move has been rejected by other members of the UN Security Council with the exception of the UK, which has also suggested adding “Saddam Hussein must only be allowed to make a television address to his country if wearing his underpants on his head”

Author’s note: My late wife Judith was obsessed with fashion and so I learnt something about it too, which I used in this article. As can be seen nowadays with Instagram influencers and the like, never let a good crisis go to waste – they are all fantastic marketing opportunities.

The fashion industry has declared September the 11th an official day of mourning for all its workers and called the atrocities that day “the most despicable act that the fashion world has ever seen”.

Speaking on behalf of the industry Karl Lagerfield, wearing extra large sunglasses to “hide the tears of sorrow that well up in my soul”, explained that the destruction of the Twin Towers had particular poignance for himself and fellow fashionistas. “The memory of all those people fleeing from the stricken buildings,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “In their terror they could give barely a thought to their dust covered clothes or their hastily applied make-up. And the sight of people plunging from the skyscrapers in such badly cut suits has seared into my memory. I vowed on that day to ensure that the world must understand that the double breasted suit is no longer acceptable for taller men. Terrorism or no terrorism, it is my duty to spread the gospel of properly tailored jackets and stylishly cut trousers.”

Mr. Lagerfield went on to confirm the measures the fashion industry would be take to mark the disaster. “For the winter season black will be the new black, as opposed to the purple or pink widely expected. We shall also be creating a selection of ready to wear “pre-distressed” outfits, complete with a thick layer of dust and small pieces of debris tastefully arranged. Philip Treacey has created a new range of hats including the “shattered pentagon” a five sided boater with one of the sides crushed and the “twin tower topper” – a top hat of exquisite subtlety that is twice as tall as any other hat but which collapses if a plane passes overhead. Stella McCartney has also decided to move on from her “slapper-chic” movement to embrace a range of “heroic” outfits. Dresses based on the uniforms of the fire service, police officers and medical workers will soon be displayed on the mannequins of Paris, London and New York in appropriate recognition of these everyday heroes of America.”

Other members of the fashion industry are also doing their part to commemorate the events. Calvin Klein is launching a new fragrance “Nine One One” which will evoke memories of that fateful day. “The fragrance is designed for today’s independent woman who wishes to assuage her feelings of guilt, but recognises the need to move on and get on with her life,” said Laura La Lillet, spokesperson for the company. “The fragrance evokes scents of sandelwood and gardenia with lower notes of diesel and burning hair. We are sure that the single girl will find a man’s passion and sensitivity fired up on inhaling this intoxicating mixture. It says to him ‘Hey! I care, but I can control my emotions. I’m in charge of my life.”

Other prominent figures in the fashion industry have also been explaining the affect 9-11 has had on them. Kate Moss has confirmed that she didn’t eat for over a week after the tragedy although explaining that “it’s not that unusual really.” She did however “smoke a lot more cigarettes and didn’t attend a single party for a full seven days”.

Mr Lagerfield concluded by saying that he felt this “showed the fashion industry had a soul and was not just a set of self obsessed media junkies who designed clothes that only a blind scarecrow would wear. Just look at this shredded worsted blue suit with light bloodstaining and individually sewn on rubble I’m wearing and tell me it doesn’t make you want to take me more seriously.”

Author’s note: It was the anniversary of 9/11 and it was becoming increasingly clear that the US would honour the dead by invading a country that had nothing to do with it.

President George Bush made a state of the union address today commemorating the “honest American lives lost in on 9-11” and launching a set of worldwide memorials to honour their names and celebrate “the American ideals for which they died: Peace and Freedom”

“America is a peace loving nation and I feel it appropriate to mark the passing of 9-11 by seeking out those who oppose peace and obliterating them,” explained the President. “We shall celebrate the lives of our peace loving citizens so callously cut down on 9-11 by launching full scale total invasion of Iraq. We shall be starting the invasion by simultaneously launching 1500 long range missiles into the heart of Iraq. By using the latest technology we will be able to carve out the words “Remember the Glorious Dead” in letters one mile wide across the centre of Baghdad. This fitting tribute to the US victims will be one of only two man made monuments visible from space. At least, it will be unless China gets any funny ideas about retaliation or condemnation. Should they wish to engage in such petty gestures, I simply remind my Asian friends that we have plenty of other missiles that we can ‘redeploy’ in the direction of the Great Wall at the twist of a dial.”

Mr Bush however explained that the US would not embark on a reckless adventure and was aware that casualties would be inevitable. ” Of course there will be casualties, but our strategists predict that these will mainly be Iraqi citizens and we believe that these are acceptable losses. We are sure that most right thinking Iraqis would gladly lay down their lives to support the American ideals of peace and freedom. And although we mourn all who die in war, we feel that the world should remember that Iraqis have cravenly allowed this madman Saddam to rule over them without a hint of dissent. Even after we gave them every opportunity to rise up after the Gulf war and offered them the warmest words of encouragement they simply fell over at the merest whiff of poison gas.”

Mr. Bush went on to celebrate the triumph of Freedom by launching a new set of “Freedom Laws”. “These will be a set of new statutes and minor amendments to the constitution that will further reinforce the rights of the majority to live in peace and prosperity in this country,” he explained. “By removing the unnecessary red tape that forbids terrorist suspects being held without trial we can ensure that these evildoers can be removed from our streets and held indefinitely in military establishments. Only when they have seen sense and agreed to confess their terrorist ways can they be released to the justice system and have their trials shown under the public spotlight on television. It is by sensible measures like this that the US managed to triumph over Communism and its repression, restrictions on rights and inhumane show trials.”

“To further show our support for freedom we shall continue to resist the undemocratic and unelected International Criminal Court. This evil body with it pathetic support from a mere 99% of countries around the world must be stopped. Its mandate to seek out and try war criminal using internationally agreed legislation regardless of whether these people are American or not is a disgrace. Not until it is accepted by the world that every American citizen is incapable of committing a war crime and that massacres could never occur under the US military will we accept this kangaroo court’s jurisdiction”
As Mr. Bush completed his address he asked his fellow Americans to join with him in a short prayer of condemnation of religious fanatics who pervert the words of their faith to justify their acts of oppression. “Dear Lord, we ask that you allow us to prevail over those who oppose us and our land of peace. You have shown us, Lord, that you favour us above all others, for everyday I look down at our sacred dollar, see the words ‘In God we Trust’ and know that our country has been truly blessed. Amen”

US commemorates 9-11 with “peace and freedom”

However, in addition to @@@ we shall also seek to support our friends who lioke us crave only peace. Israel shall be supported in its quest to root out Palestinaian terrorism by providing them with special @@@. We shall also support our other allies in the war on terrorism – Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Uzbekistan

Anyway, we are confident that all right thinking democrats would gladly give up their lives to support the America ideals of peace and freedom.
simultaneously launching 1500 long range missiles into the heart of Iraq.

until we launch our next remembrance ceremony in China, where we will use state of the art seismic technology to cause a massive earthquake reducing the Great Wall to a contextual art statement representing the rubble from the Twin Towers. Finally, we shall celebrate the triumph of peace over wickedness by reuniting the people of South and North Korea by blasting a series of 5000 megaton bombs over the airspace of the North, thereby forcing all it’s people to flee to the South if they want to survive”

Invade Iraq as a fitting commemoration of those whose lives were so brutally cut down on 9-11
Of course there will be casualties but we are assuming those will mainly be Iraquis who have so cravenly allowed the brutal dictator Saddam to rule over them without a hint of dissent. Even after we gave them every opportunity to rise up after the Gulf war and offered thenm the bwarmest words of encouragement they allowed themselves to continue to be ruled by this madman.
All right thinking demoicrats would gladly give up their lives to support the just American causes of freedom and justice
As a fitting memorial to all the dead not just plucky locals but the true democratic hroes of the USA we shall carve out th “Our Glorious Dead”

Freedom

Author’s note: I think I wrote a similar article about the Lib Dems, but it turns out that most of their front bench were gay. And what a golden opportunity to muddle cabinets and closets

The whole Conservative front bench team announced today that they were “throwing off the shackles of repression” and admitting that they were “proudly, rampantly and actively homosexual”

The announcement follows on from Alan Duncan’s public statement admitting that he was gay. The announcement was well received by the public and Tory strategists noted a small rise in the Conservatives’ ratings. Extrapolating this further, they calculated that if another 27 senior Tories were to make similar announcements, it would put them 5 points ahead of Labour in the polls.

However, Iain Duncan Smith has denied that the announcement was timed to gain political advantage. “The fact that 27 of us have simultaneously discovered our sexuality simply shows the new atmosphere of tolerance that exists in the Conservatives,” he explained sporting his recently shaven head and fulsome moustache and side-burns. “It is time that people understood that modern Conservatives are an inclusive party, respectful of minority views and eager to reach out to all members of society. We will not tolerate discrimination or stereotyping in our party any longer. The revelation of Alan Duncan as a toe-touching pillow biter has had a profound affect on his fellow members in the shadow cabinet. On realising that this mincing Nancy-boy was part of our top team, we all took time to re-examine or consciences as well as our majorities and admit that we too were gay.”

As the shadow cabinet then assembled for a photo call with Alan Duncan given a “special place on his own” on the other side of the car park, Michael Howard also denied charges of political opportunism. “Anyone who really knows me will not be at all surprised that I’m as bent as a nine-bob note. I mean bent in the gay sense, obviously,” he added hastily. “Not in the brown-envelope, money grubbing sleazy sense.” However, Teresa May confirmed that she was as surprised as anyone to find she was a lesbian. “It was a bit of a shock when Iain told me. Still, I know I’m just going to love all that lesbian stuff – or at least I will as soon as I find out what it is they get up to” she gushed.

There was some dissent from within the ranks, though, with David Davis claiming that he is a “real man” and that there were “100% red-blood cells running through my loins. Just ask anyone at the Women’s Institute in my constituency.” Supporters of Michael Portillo have also hit back claiming that “he got there first” and was “clearly far gayer than anyone else on the front bench.”

Iain Duncan Smith declared himself unconcerned by such mavericks. “When David finally realises his real self he will find a welcome home with his fellow gays in the shadow cabinet. In fact, we like to think of it as a closet nowadays.”

Author’s note: In one of the may crises of capitalism, a number of large companies had to admit they’d been telling whopping great lies about their revenues and “restate” their earnings. The US government had lurched from a surplus under Clinton to a massive deficit under Bush and seemed in a similar position. I think this headline came from my friend Jonathan Selby

There was embarrassment at the G8 conference in Canada today as the United States Government was forced to admit that after an internal review of its finances it was having to reissue the Government’s accounts. Apparently, the massive budget surplus promised at the time of the election now appears to be a deficit totalling several billion dollars.

The admission follows on the back of several corporate earnings scandals in the US including Enron and WorldCom. In making the announcement, Paul O’Neill, the US Treasury Secretary, was careful to explain that in this case there was no question of fraud and the problem arose from The President’s “legitimate and wholly sensible and proportionate desire” to give “every last Government dollar” back to the hard-working US taxpayer. “It breaks the President’s heart to see the downtrodden oil executive, the browbeaten steel-mill owner or the penniless farmer struggling on without Government subsidy,” explained Mr. O’Neill. “The President felt it was his duty to give this money back to the people who gave it to his Government in the first place.”

An analysis of the recipients of the subsidies is now being carried out and auditors are trying to see if any of the money is not needed and can be recovered. The President, George Bush, said it was a difficult task, however. “One farmer down in Florida told me how he had put the money to good use it supporting his vital Colombian agricultural concerns. He said that Colombian farmers faced unique difficulties and he had to spend huge amounts on artillery just to keep the ‘pests that attack his crops under control'”. Mr. Bush also said that the auditors were particularly keen to locate the three billion dollars given in subsidies to “pretzel farmers”. Mr Bush explained that he had personally agreed to hand the money over after “some professor he met at an Airport” explained the plight of these needy folk. “I wrote him out a cheque then and there” explained Mr. Bush. “You should have seen the look of joy and gratitude that lit up his face. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.” “Me too” confirmed Mr. O’Neill.

Standing in front of a large white board, Mr. Bush went onto explain how such a massive deficit could be overlooked. “It all comes down to complex statistical and mathematical formulae. According to the boffins in the Treasury the mistake comes from a misunderstanding over the use of two arcane symbols known as ‘plus’ and ‘minus’. It appears we’ve been using them inappropriately for some time now. It also has something to do with ‘red’ and ‘black’, but I’m afraid those guys lost me then.”

As the value of the Dollar on world markets plunged to below two Costa Rican bananas, President Bush urged people not to panic and assured his audience that “matters were completely in hand.” As “Government auditors” started to move around the crowd of G8 leaders and their advisors with collection plates, Mr Bush asked them to hand over any unwanted foreign currency, advising them to “please give generously, even the odd million can help. There’s plenty of needy Americans out there who need your support.”

Author’s note: Our good friend Ken Livingstone again. This time, God’s gift to the Brains Trust had a punch up at a party where someone was chatting up his partner and smoking. Cue an article about a literal fight for the election…

In a rowdy and ill-tempered press conference this morning, Ken Livingstone, the Mayor of London, announced that he was ready to take on all comers in the fight for the next mayoral election. Speaking from the new Mayoral Headquarters with its interior bearing a “wholly coincidental” similarity to the Groucho Club, Mr. Livingstone announced that he was looking forward to a “tough, gruelling and probably extremely bloody fight”

With the slogan “Come and have a go if you think your hard enough” Mr Livingstone claimed that he would be adopting an aggressive campaigning strategy that would, if necessary, involve all methods of persuasion including “extreme physical violence”. Mr. Livingstone was accompanied by his team of new US re-election consultants, who would be coaching him in effective people management skills. The lead advisor, Mr. Mike Tyson, confirmed that he was pleased with Mr. Livingstone’s progress and felt that the initial trials on an anti-smoking campaign had gone very well.

The campaign, which involves wrestling anyone holding a cigarette to the ground and then stamping violently on their head “for the good of their health”, was pioneered at a recent party attended by Mr. Livingstone. When questioned whether the policy hadn’t got a bit out of hand after a dissenter had been thrown off a 15 foot wall, Mr. Livingstone denied this and explained that in this case he was testing “a totally different health and safety policy.” He commented “I took this action after noticing the man had appeared to ascend the stairs without holding onto the banister and I hope that my prompt safety reminder will act as a lesson to him not to be so cavalier with his health again.”

Mr. Livingstone then went on to describe a key part of his campaign, demonstrating how Government spending cuts were strangling the city. The demonstration was made with the assistance of the Political Correspondent from the London Evening Standard and two well-aimed “death-chops” to his jugular, which represented “cutting off the lifeblood of our great Capital”. As Mr. Livingstone then delivered several blows to the stunned man’s testicles, he added that these showed how Government policies were hitting Londoner’s where it hurts the most.

Mr. Livingstone confirmed that he was expecting a gruelling campaign and his advisors had set up a rigorous dietary regime to ensure peak performance. The diet consisting solely of Chateaubriand with bernaise sauce washed down by Chateau Pissac ’95, would be particularly tough as “the ’95 is pretty near undrinkable and we’ve run out of the ’96”.

A part-time social worker and Liberal Democrat councillor Christine Jones then made an ill-advised attempt to dissuade Mr. Livingstone from his campaign strategy and offered him counselling, suggesting he “share his pain” with her. In response Mr. Livingstone punched her on the nose with the words “that should give you some fucking idea”

As the press conference then dissolved into a melee of vigorous campaigning including Trevor Philips shouting “did you just spill my pint” before glassing Michael Ward, Mr Livingstone declared himself happy with the start of the campaign, before excusing himself to go and meet some Florida electoral equipment suppliers.