Author’s note: A brief article on the next phase for the famous Labour pledge cards.
The Labour Party has confirmed today that it would soon be launching a new Labour Loyalty Card for its Members of Parliament. The loyalty card, which will replace the previous pledge card, will be carried by each parliamentary member of the Labour Party and entitle the holder to special Labour Party Executive privileges including the use of a “New Labour” lounge, a complimentary handbook on motivational speaking by Peter Mandleson and a 24 hour security monitoring service in case the holder ever wandered “off-message” or was worried they may have lost their majority. The card would operate each time an MP voted on a bill: if the MP voted with the Government they would be able to swipe their card and collect valuable points that could be redeemed for a “new car, exotic holiday or prestigious junior ministerial position.” If they voted against the Government, swiping the card would immediately open an “emergency helpline trapdoor” beneath their feet, allowing the MPs to review their decision locked in a small broom cupboard for a number of days. The accrual of points would lead to Silver, Gold and Platinum membership with greatly enhanced positions of influence. However, those that failed to build up enough points to ensure basic membership would soon find themselves facing de-selection committees. Commenting on the launch of the card, a spokesman for the Labour Party denied that they would be seeking to extend its benefits via an alliance with Tescos, but did hand out promotional leaflets for a new “Labour-To-You” MP delivery service.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 