Author’s note: The Tories now under “something of the night” Michael Howard were trying to pinch some of the spin doctoring of Labour, which really didn’t suit them at the time.
Michael Howard has confirmed that following the successful launch of his 16 political principles this week, he would be pursuing a parallel career as a motivational speaker.
Sporting a deep mahogany tan and a new set of porcelain replacement teeth, Mr. Howard explained that the he realised there was “great pain” at the heart of the country and that only by “sharing our inner turmoil” could we overcome the nation’s problems together. “Citizens of the United Kingdom, rise up and embrace change, release the latent ambition within yourselves and crush the negative thoughts that confine you,” yelled Mr. Howard to a startled pack of journalists. Holding his arms wide he then attempted to embrace a rapidly fleeing Paul Routledge of the Daily Mirror, encouraging the Political Editor to “lay naked and expose his hidden ying,” at which suggestion Fi Glover of the BBC was violently ill.
A video was then shown of how Mr. Howard had reached inner peace and come up with his deep new political philosophy. In the video Mr. Howard was seen talking earnestly to what the press handout described as “ordinary people”, frequently holding them firmly by the hand with a look of great concern on his face. In other scenes he was seen meditating and sharing “quality time” with great spiritual gurus and close personal friends, including Nelson Mandela, Pope John Paul II and Vaclav Havel, all of whom were played in the video by members of the shadow cabinet “for contractual reasons.”
After the screening, Oliver Letwin explained that Mr Howard had now gone “to a higher place” in which to come up with further core beliefs to inspire the country, hastily drawing a curtain across a doorway to hide a person of similar appearance to Mr. Howard furiously breaking open fortune cookies and writing down their contents.
Mr Howard’s new approach has had some success politically, however. During a New Year debate with the Prime Minister at the House of Commons, Mr. Blair was clearly rattled when during an argument over the European Constitution, Mr. Howard suddenly clutched his temples, adopted a penetrating stare and declared that Mr Blair would soon be meeting a “tall, dark stranger with something of the night about him.” As Mr. Blair struggled to respond, Mr. Howard, now rapidly shuffling a deck of Tarot cards, added that the stranger was “going to kick your arse at the next election. Assuming your heart doesn’t go pop first, cardiac-boy.”
A Conservative Party spokesman confirmed that Mr. Howard would be embarking on a series of motivational meetings with the general public over the coming months and further initiatives could be expected. These are believed to include a book “The Prophesies of Howard,” which demonstrates how ancient pre-incarnations of Michael Howard has prophesised every significant event of the last 5000 years, apart from the poll tax, using arcane language and obscure quatrains. Further innovations may include the compulsory wearing of priestly robes by the shadow cabinet and the mass brainwashing of the entire population to “Vote Howard.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 