Author’s note: We’d invaded Iraq and were still pretending the WMD existed and would be found. Just like other things…
Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, remains “hugely confident” that the Loch Ness monster will be found “within the next few weeks” and is prepared to “bet that anyone who says otherwise will be looking pretty silly very shortly, dear me yes.”
The Prime Minister’s assertions come after the resignation of Dr. Jonathan Selby, Emeritus Professor of Unexplained Phenomena and Attractions for Gullible Tourists at the University of Aberdeen. Dr. Selby had spent several years using a variety of methods to search for the fabled beast. These included radar, a miniature submarine and a “host of Scottish revellers in the world’s largest simultaneous recitation of the poetry of Rabbie Burns.”
Another attempt to lure the animal from the depths using a “large hook baited with finest malt whisky” only succeeded in capturing Charles Kennedy and Robin Cook, who were reportedly campaigning in the area at the time. Dr. Selby finally admitted defeat after the entire loch was drained in an ultimately fruitless search for the elusive creature. Few now believe that the Loch Ness Monster will ever be found, despite the Prime Minister insisting that the large number of “ferocious looking catfish” were “very suspicious” and pointing out a “Nessie like skeleton” that turned out to be an old supermarket trolley. Mr. Blair, however, remains adamant that the intelligence reports gathered over several decades are accurate.
At a press conference, he held a flash photograph of Nessie taken by 73 year old Hamish McGinty at 11:30PM outside the “Awld Reekie” public house. Whilst admitting that to the “untrained eye” the photo could have been mistaken for a child’s inflatable rubber ring, complete with pink horses head, floating on the surface of the loch, Mr. Blair described in detail, using an elaborate set of arrows, annotated figures and “industrial style laser pointers”, the key features on the photo that revealed it to be the Loch Ness Monster. These included “a monster like head, proximity to Loch Ness and several other features which are still top secret.” Mr. Blair also described the photographer’s encounter with the fearsome creature. “Mr. McGinty clearly remembers the monster shouting, ‘Watch your step, Hamish’ shortly before it dragged him into the water. He was then attacked by the creature and sustained several injuries. The man is a national hero.”
A subsequent investigation by the military authorities admitted that his injuries were also consistent with “having fallen down a steep bank whilst inebriated.” However, 20th Century Fox has dismissed this report and claims its television special “Hamish McGinty – an all-Scottish hero” featuring Brad Pitt with a Scottish accent and an ill-fitting Tam O’Shanter bravely fighting off 15 “Jurassic Park” style dinosaurs is an accurate representation of the encounter.
Mr. Blair also took the opportunity to reassure the public that the Metropolitan Police was “days away” from finding Lord Lucan, that alien life-forms would soon be detected on Mars and that, in a recent teleconference with the President of the United States, he had been “completely reassured” that it was only a matter of time before the Bigfoot was finally located.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 