Bank admits; “We have too much money”

Author’s note: Banks. Everyone hates them and everyone who works for them seems to be a wanker.

The HSBC banking corporation, which has recently announced profits of almost 7 billion pounds, has admitted that it now has “more money that it knows what to do with” and that it is having to employ desperate measures to prevent “a massive overflow of cash throughout our offices”

The Bank’s headquarters in London has already undergone floor strengthening and the lower windows have been replaced with steel shutters to prevent the entire building from bursting apart with the rapidly filling ocean of cash. Workers on the lower floors have been equipped with various life saving flotation devices to sustain them in the morass of liquid assets rising through the floors.

The problems began when the banks strategy was altered a number of years ago from attempting to make “oodles of cash” to the more specific objective of wanting “a gazillion-billion pounds.” Whilst generally applauded in the City, alarm bells started to sound when the HSBC revealed last year that it was purchasing the Isle of Wight, depopulating it and then using it as “a gigantic cash-box.” From this point on, it became clear that the influx of money into the bank was becoming unsustainable.

Attempts were made to use the money for other purposes. The Yves Saint Laurent “Tenner” collection was hailed as a masterpiece on the catwalks of Paris but failed to catch the public’s imagination. The bank then launched a new rage of children’s building blocks, “Casho”, made from glued together fifty pound notes. However, the instruction leaflet, featuring designs for “frozen pork bellies,” “forward rate instruments” and “credit default derivative swaps”, proved unpopular with children. A final desperate attempt to heat the entire of City of London using a giant pyre of currency failed when Ken Livingstone, taking time off from his hectic restaurant review duties, pointed out that the whole area was supposed to be “a fucking smoke free zone”

The bank also discovered that giving the money away simply caused more problems. “We’d hand it over to poor people and within days they’d blown it on a holiday or a car and would be back in here looking for one of our “Eezee Pay” loans, which just generated more money for us,” claimed a senior employee who wished to remain anonymous.

As office workers used buckets to bail out the cash from the upper levels of the corporate HQ, the bank pleaded with the general public to do everything in its power to stop the inflow of money. “Stuff it in your mattress, keep it in a teapot on the mantelpiece or use it to make bird scarers or paper doilies. Just for God’s sake keep it away from us!”