Author’s note: Cyprus was being admitted to the EU before they’d sorted out their separation, and the Greeks were using it as an opportunity to stick it to the Turks. Poor old Kofi Annan was well pissed off but surely one man could come up with a solution.
A final solution to the seemingly intractable division between the Greek and Turkish communities of Cyprus was announced yesterday as David Copperfield confirmed that as a part of his next magic show in May he would “use the forces of mind control, dextrous hand movements and a 47inch Stihl power saw” to separate North and South Cyprus.
The audacious plan to tear the two halves of the island asunder comes after Kofi Annan, the Secretary General of the United Nations, had to be physically restrained from attempting to split the island apart with “a woodman’s axe, a splitting wedge and a large sledgehammer.” Mr. Annan had sneaked into the centre of the Green Line in Nicosia at midnight to vent his frustration after the Greek Cypriots voted against his plans to unify the two island communities.
On being prevented from implementing his “permanent separation” Mr. Annan then proposed a further set of strategies to “give Cyprus the future it deserved.” These included “towing it out to sea and sinking it, using it as a French nuclear test site, setting it up as a SARS research community” and, most controversially, “offering it the protection of a UN defence force, similar to those used in Rwanda or Srebrenica”
Only after being forced to abandon these ideas did Mr. Annan return to the plan for physically separating the island. Mr. Annan made initial attempts to implement this by purchasing a set of “Acme Earthquake Seeds” after witnessing their effectiveness in a Road Runner cartoon. On being advised that these may be a “little hard to come by” he then contacted David Copperfield having watched the beetle-browed conjurer make the Statue of Liberty disappear “before my very eyes” on a video of highlights from Mr. Copperfield’s act.
Mr Copperfield has already begun assembling the set for the “Giant Saw of Cypriot Separation” as the act will be known. Once separated, Mr. Copperfield has also offered, for an extra fee, to cloak the whole of Northern Cyprus is a giant satin curtain and make it disappear completely, freeing the EU of the embarrassment of having to admit a Muslim country into its bosom.
If the act successful, Mr. Copperfield promises to take the show on the road and use it to deliver peace to other communities riven by hate. He has already received bookings from Bosnia, Somalia and Israel, although he concedes that Israel will require a special jigsaw attachment in order to “cut out all of the fiddly little bits that will make up the Palestinian state.”
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