Author’s note: David Kelly decided to leak some secrets about the dossier on WMD and when he got caught he committed suicide. Everyone decided to make hay with this and the BBC conducted an investigation into whether the story about the evidence for WMD, based on the leaked information, should have been allowed to go ahead. The outcome was that some fact checking had been defective and Greg Dyke, the Director General and a man not short of self-importance, offered his resignation, confident that it would be rejected. It was however accepted by the Board of Governors and he found himself somewhat unceremoniously unemployed. As a side line, on the day of his resignation I found myself sitting on the table beside him at the River Cafe. The service, which was already terrible, became noticeably worse and the trail of obsequious media luvvies coming and telling him what a fantastic chap he was completely ruined the lunch.
In an ironic twist, the BBC has been rocked by a mass suicide as the corporation faces the “utter shame” of having been held solely responsible for the death of top UK Intelligence Scientist Dr. David Kelly
As a mark of their despair, all presenters on BBC television have been wearing black and many have shaved their heads and written “unclean” across their foreheads. On Newsnight, Jeremy Paxman, his face haggard and drawn, confessed to personally phoning David Kelly “at frequent intervals” and goading him into “stitching up the Government”. As he beat his head repeatedly on his “executive-style, stripped maple workstation complete with advanced flat screen computer” and wrung his hands in penitence, he begged for forgiveness from his audience. He then declared on live television that he had “had enough” before producing a “Hardy’s of Pall Mall” Fly Fishing rod and expertly casting a noose around his neck and throttling himself.
Meanwhile on the Radio 4 Programme “Today” it appears that a distraught John Humphrys and James Naughtie entered into a joint suicide pact. Listeners became alarmed when during the morning programme their speech became increasingly slurred and was interrupted by frequent appeals including “I’ve fucked it all up, my whole life has been one big fuck up,” “I wish I’d never told Gilligan to make up that Alastair Campbell story” and, Mr. Humphry’s final words “I love you, man, I really do.” After the police broke down the door to the recording studio, the two presenters were found slumped over their desks surround by empty bottles of sleeping tablets and 5 empty bottles of vodka.
Further indications that members of the BBC were taking the judgement to heart came when Gavyn Davies announced his resignation. As he read out his 15 page “act of repentance”, frequently stopping to clear his throat and wipe tears from his eyes, he admitted that he took full responsibility for “personally driving David Kelly to his rendezvous with Andrew Gilligan.” Furthermore, he accepted that it was “entirely the BBC’s fault” that David Kelly had decided to break the official secrets act and talk to journalists. As he completed his statement he claimed that he felt it was his duty to return his fortune of 150 million pounds to the public, before climbing onto a massive stack of 50 pound notes, dousing himself with petrol and tossing a lighted match onto the pyre.
He was closely followed by Greg Dyke, who disappeared after an emotional press conference in which he implored the forgiveness of “Tony Blair, Alastair Campbell, Mrs. Kelly, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Allah, Confucius and anyone else who knows me.” Mr Dyke was found several hours later in a private cubicle of the Carlton Club, apparently having exploded after consuming “1500 oysters, 23 pounds of foie gras and 15kilograms of Caviar.”
From this point on an avalanche of BBC employees decided to “do the decent thing” and end their own lives. As the halls of Broadcasting House filled with the bodies of deceased workers, Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, expressed his regret at the “loss of life” but promised that a new organisation would be built from the ashes of the corporation. “As an interim measure,” he explained, “We will ensure unbiased reporting of current affairs with the establishment of a unit we have provisionally entitled Blair’s Broadcasting Company.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 