Gordon Brown “forgot” budget

Author’s note: Budget day. Always fun and this one seemed to be more like a Conservative budget than a Labour one. What could be the explanation?

There was embarrassment in Downing Street today when sources close to the Government confirmed that Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, had “completely forgotten” about the Budget.

Suspicions were first aroused when Mr. Brown emerged from No 11 Downing Street to greet the traditional throng of press reporters and photographers. At around 9:30AM the door opened and Mr. Brown emerged, unshaven and dressed in a long nightshirt and night cap. As he scratched his bottom and bent over to collect the milk and newspapers on the doorstep, his attention was attracted by the shouts from the journalists.

A clearly surprised Mr. Brown was seen to mouth “What the f….?” look at his watch, quickly grab the milk and bolt back inside. A frantic banging and crashing was then heard from No 11, with frequent shouts of “My God do you know what day it is”, “Sarah, have you seen my tie? No, not the blue one, the baby was sick on that” and “Where have you put my bloody budget box. I left it on the kitchen table.” Mr. Brown then re-emerged from the house about 15 minutes later, smiling and greeting the media pack. However, his insouciant air was somewhat undermined by a large quantity of shaving cream on his left ear, unkempt hair and ill matched socks.

There were other departures from the familiar budget day proceedings, as well. Rather than the traditional red box containing the budget papers, a smiling Mr Brown held up a Tesco’s Carrier Bag, which appeared to contain a banana and a three day old copy of the Evening Standard, explaining that this showed the Government’s commitment to prudence by not “frittering away money of expensive red boxes, dear me no” Mr. Brown also reinforced this by declaring that he had decided to walk “or possibly hop on a bus” to get to the Houses of Parliament rather than make an “advance booking” of the traditional limousine and confidently set off the wrong way along Downing Street.

After Mr. Brown eventually arrived at the House, having stopped to ask the way from a couple of Japanese tourists and a guard outside Buckingham Palace, he declared that the public should be ready for a “surprise budget”, before disappearing into his office with orders for “300 sheets of A4, 20 pencils and a large bottle of Glenmorangie. No ice.”

When Mr. Brown eventually arrived to give the budget, suspicions were further heightened that he may have borrowed heavily from the Conservatives financial plans, when he stood up to read his budget speech from a document with the words “Conservative Financial Strategy by Oliver Letwin” crossed out and replaced with “My Budget by Gordon Brown.” As Mr. Brown then outlined his plans he constantly referred the document to Mr. Letwin, with phrases such as “What the Hell does ‘financial disbursement realignment’ mean?”, “Are you sure you can spend that much on Education?” and “40,000 jobs? Sheesh, that seems a lot.”

As Mr. Brown completed his speech, Oliver Letwin, the Shadow Chancellor, stood up in an obvious state of confusion and began to read from a document entitled “Labour’s response to Conservative Tax Plans” condemning the budget for its “slash and burn tactics” and lamenting the loss of civil service jobs.

Charles Kennedy, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, was unavailable for comment, apparently having forgotten who he was after a “massive 7 day bender”