Author’s note: Government’s love to ban things, especially things that give pleasure.
In response to grave concerns from the health profession about the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS, the Government has confirmed that it is to ban sex “in all its many and various gooey, sticky and death-dealing forms”
The move follows on from efforts to ban smoking in all public places as a result of the “tidal wave of death” caused by passive smoking. Government sex spokesman, Derek Gadd, explained the thinking behind the move. “It’s a fact that sexual activity in this day and age is carried out for pleasure rather than procreation,” explained Mr. Gadd as he attempted to peel apart the pages of the “fully illustrated and uncensored” Government report on sexual activity “Hot and Horny – Sex in the UK.” Mr. Gadd continued, “You just have to look at the rising numbers of people dying from AIDS, hepatitis and other sexually-transmitted diseases to see that this has got to stop.”
The Government has placed an immediate ban on all forms of sex including “intercourse, sodomy, rogering, todgering, frottaging, fossicking and don’t get me started on oral sex,” explained Mr. Gadd, as he attempted to figure out the correct angle from which to view the centrefold in the Government report. The ban will cover both heterosexual and homosexual activity, with Mr. Gadd confirming that lesbian sex would also be banned as there were “real concerns over infected fingers, or, God help us, tongues.”
For couples wishing to reproduce, the Government would put in place a variety of measures. Invitations to tender have already been issued to private contractors to outsource all UK sexual activity. Techniques include “offshore insemination” with large numbers of lower paid nations servicing the population. Artificial insemination will also be available on the National Health Service as well as privately via DIY stores and chemists. Mr Gadd then demonstrated the Government approved “BigBoy” AI syringe complete with interchangeable heads and “realistic pumping action.”
In order to wean people off their sex habit the Government will also provide a number of “sex substitutes.” These include “a nice hot cup of tea, a good book or a brisk walk.” For hardened addicts, the Government will be be providing a ten point guide to masturbation and “unlimited supplies of Vaseline and Kleenex.”
Members of the Government were unavailable for comment, but were reported to be “spending more time with their families” prior to the ban coming into force.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 