Author’s note: The Olympics were due to be held in Greece and despite the doubtless massive bungs and rampant corruption everyone seemed surprised that 6 months before they weren’t anywhere near ready.
The Greek authorities reassured the world today that the Athens Olympics would be the greatest ever by eschewing “modish professionalism that has tainted the purity of the Olympian ideal” and returning back to the original values of “Amateurism, dust and poor quality stadia.”
The Greeks have announced a “complete revamp” of the Olympics in order to return to the pure spirit of healthy competitiveness and definitely “not because we won’t have anything ready in time, oh dear us no.” Races will now be kicked off with the traditional starting catapult and timed using the “ancient and venerable Athenian sundial.” Derox Gaddapoulous, Olympic Supremo, explained the complex procedure that will be used to
measure the competitors’ times. “Through careful study of the sun and the use of the advanced abacus we are confident that we can measure an athlete’s time down to the nearest day. You see if we can’t.”
Mr Gaddapoulous also confirmed that the Greeks had decided to abandon the new stadium as unsuitable for the refreshed Olympian ideal The stadium, which was being constructed by “Gaddapoulous Building and Drain Cleaning Services. Cheap quotes. No job too early” will now be used as a kebab shop and events will be held at various “exciting venues” throughout Greece. The long jump will be held in the sand pit at St Peter’s Orthodox School for the Terminally Stupid with the rowing being held in a small puddle in downtown Athens and the marathon taking place over a “specially shortened Olympic bridleway.”
However, it is felt some competitors may object to reverting to the original costume arrangements for the Olympics by taking part in events completely naked. Mr Gaddapoulous assured the press that this was not because the Gaddapoulous Outfitters And Costumiers – “fancy dress our speciality” company had failed to produce any of the 10,000 sports outfits required. Mr Gaddapoulous assured the press that, although this was not his area of concern, the supply of 1000 cowboy outfits to the US team and 700 bearskin hats to the United Kingdom was purely a “logistical oversight”.
Speaking to the Brains Trust, Olympic-sized expert Dr Hugos X Hackenboubadopobush simply said that, “it’s all Greek to me.”
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