Author’s note: We would occasionally adopt the idea of something being literal to illustrate a ludicrous argument. I am in general in favour of immigration – the benefits seem to outweigh the negatives. One particularly daft idea is (thank you Ragged Trousered Philanthropist) that there are a fixed number of jobs and so dastardly foreigners come over here and take them from locals. This seems to be the obvious end point of that
Following on from undercover investigations, the Brains Trust can reveal today that it has seen top level Government documents from the UK and US that confirm that foreign immigrants are illegally entering these countries and making off with western jobs.
In one report, an undercover Government inspector stationed at Dover witnessed several saloon cars stuffed full of British jobs being driven onto a ferry by Romanians, Poles and various “swarthy, foreign-looking types wearing traditional Burkhas and Turbans.” One driver, identified only as ‘Ahmed’, talked the inspector through his haul, pointing out a set of matching call-centre positions that he had obtained “for my Brother’s family”, a small retail position “for my Mum. It’ s a lovely job; flexible working hours and no heavy lifting. It’ll suit her just right” and a variety of cleaning jobs “for the kids back home”
He was unwilling to explain where he had obtained the jobs, muttering darkly that it “was a free country” and that he had got them legitimately, by being “more productive” and taking “less money” for them. However, the Brains Trust can reveal that a massive black market for stolen jobs has emerged, with many being sold off as legitimate items in car boot sales and job centres. From there, the jobs are taken for bargain rates by unscrupulous foreigners and exported abroad. They are then often imported back to these shores and passed off as British by the new owner having a better grasp of English and greater aptitude than before the job left the UK.
In the US, Mexico is seen as the main trafficker of jobs. Eyebrows were raised recently when, in a particularly audacious coup, Emilio Sanchez, a smallholder and maize farmer from San Esteban, was found with the job of Chief Executive of Exxon. Mr. Sanchez protested his innocence and claimed he had not stolen the job, explaining he had found it in a bag on his farm containing $15,000,000 of guaranteed share options, an executive jet and instructions to attend the Exxon Headquarters “at least once a month, to please our shareholders.” Insisting on his rights of “finders keepers” he is making a robust defence of his right to keep the job, with its previous holder Lee Raymond admitting that he couldn’t remember when he’d last seen the job as he’d got “kinda distracted by all my other non-executive positions”
Governments across the western world have promised get tough of job thefts. Border patrols have been set up across Texas, with routine stop-and-searches for anyone crossing the border to Mexico. However, in an embarrassing episode, it was found that one Texan border patrol was staffed entirely by Mexicans. After a frantic search, the original US holders were found bound and gagged near the border town of Eagle Pass and a furious row has broken out, with the Mexicans refusing to return the jobs and ignominiously dumping the Texas Rangers over the border for not “possessing the correct papers”
In the UK, the Home Secretary, spoke exclusively to the Brains Trust and played down the threat of massive job thefts. Sipping a Cardamom tea and wearing his favourite traditional red-check kuffiyyah headdress he assured us that the problem was a small one and that only the “indolent, incompetent or completely useless need fear having their jobs stolen. Allah be praised”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 