Israel to “assassinate everybody”

Author’s note: When it comes to it, I am a critical supporter of Israel. It is sometimes it’s own worst enemy, however.

Israel has extended it plans for “targeted assassinations” of its potential enemies to cover “absolutely everyone in the entire world”

The plan has been developed by Ariel Sharon after the recent hostile reaction to Israel’s assassination of two Hamas leaders, proposals to pull out of Gaza and musings on the likely fate of Yasser Arafat. Initially Mr Sharon proposed broadening the definition of “potential enemies” to cover all Palestinians. However, Mr. Sharon felt that this let a great number of other “shifty-eyed Arab types” off the hook and extended the definition to cover “all peoples of the Middle East”. At this moment, his defence secretary, Shaul Mofaz, pointed out that there were also many other Muslim nations throughout Africa and Asia and Mr Sharon agreed to extend the target to cover these two continents.

As Mr Sharon started to draw up plans to deal with these various “likely insurgents,” further hostile reaction to Israel’s plans was expressed from other parts of the world. At this point, Mr Sharon immediately declared all the countries of the European Union “enemies of Israel” making special mention of the “barbarian leader of France, Jacques Chirac,” and declaring that he would personally carry out the dispatch of the French President at the next inter-Governmental conference “probably by stuffing the EU declaration of human rights down his fat French throat”

Russia was then swiftly added to the list of targets for “wearing silly fur hats”, closely followed by Antarctica for “harbouring several suspicious penguins” and South America for “being in possession of a large quantity of spicy food.” Mr Sharon was then informed of “serious reservations” expressed about the policy by Condoleeza Rice, at which point he added North America to the list, inviting “Nancy-boy Bush” out for a fight adding “name your time, name your place, name your weapon. I’ll be waiting, you great Southern poof.”

Mr Sharon denied that the continued extensions of the assassination policy were being carried out in a fit of pique. “It is simply ridiculous; no one has shown more tolerance or forbearance than me. Just look at my record in the Lebanon during the 1980s. If those Palestinian refugees hadn’t displayed obvious terrorist tendencies, such as demanding their homes back or calling me a fat, ugly, corrupt megalomaniac, I wouldn’t have been forced to execute 2,000 of them.”

However, in a surprise twist, Hamas has welcomed Israel’s declaration and announced that Hamas has elected Ariel Sharon as its leader after a secret ballot. Calling Mr. Sharon “the voice of reason,” Hamas went on to declare that, “He calls for the destruction of all unbelievers in the world. This is a man who speaks our language. And of course, now he’s our leader, he’ll be top of his own assassination list. Top hole!”