Author’s note: Poor old Mel Gibson. He’s clearly got serious mental health and addiction issues, but unfortunately they are the wrong ones to evoke sympathy. So when he’s drunk as skunk shouting horrible things about Jews no one seems to think this might be a mental health issue and he’s just condemned as a racist. In these situations I try and adopt the wisdom of Ray Charles. Elvis Costello, in a drunken argument with the Stephen Stills band, called Ray Charles a “blind ignorant nigger”. Sometime later, someone asked Charles what he thought of this. He shrugged and said “That’s just drunk talk. You should never listen to drunk talk”. Anyway, Mel made a film about Jesus
Comprehensive analysis of the Turin Shroud by scientists has revealed a second face on the hallowed relic and further detailed examination by the Vatican has now confirmed that it is the countenance of Mel Gibson.
Mr. Gibson, a famous Hollywood actor and director, is a committed Catholic and has recently courted controversy and praise for his visceral film version of the final 12 hours of Christ’s life. Although unconfirmed, it appears that Mr Gibson was given access to the shroud on his recent visit to the Vatican and some confusion may have arisen with Mr. Gibson reportedly using the shroud as a face towel having visited the bathroom.
These reports have been fervently denied and followers of Mr. Gibson are declaring the appearance of his face as a miracle and are forming themselves into a new religious order of Saint Mel, Son of Gib. Many of his acolytes have taken to wearing devotional clothing, much of it based on Mr. Gibson’s most successful films. Explaining his “miraculous conversion” Derek of Braveheart, formerly known as Derek Gadd, dressed in a kilt, tam o’shanter and with his face painted blue claimed that he had experienced his own miracles since following “Saint Mel.”
Mr. Gadd has reportedly developed a Stigmata at every Easter since becoming a devotee. “I wake up on Easter Sunday and within minutes I have these strange holy markings of Mel on my face and hands,” explained Mr. Gadd adopting the strong Australian accent favoured by followers. “They’re brown and taste of chocolate and stay there for most of the day but have disappeared by the Monday. I also frequently experience a religious tummy ache. It truly is a sign of Mel’s suffering”
“I started to follow the Lord our Mel many years ago, prior to the schism between the orthodox Mad Max sect and apostolic Braveheart group,” continued Mr. Gadd. “Although I flirted with minor branches of Melanism, including Patriotism, Lethal Weaponism and, briefly, Bird on a Wireism, I realised that Braveheartery was the true incarnation of Mel. I hope that the sects can be reconciled, but I find talk of the trinity of Braveheart, Patriot and Holy Max blasphemous.”
Mr. Gibson himself has now taken to wearing a rough tunic and dispensing advice and wisdom to his followers. His ten commandments, which he has bought down from the Sacred Mount of Hollywood, include “Thou shalt not worship false Gods, especially Jewish ones,” “Thou shalt not make burnt offerings, verily take thy shrimp off the barbie before it smoketh” and “Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours wife and if he covert thine thou shalt be entitled to kick his ass, but not covert it, obviously”
As Mr. Gibson ascended into heaven on what observers described as an “Independence Day style levitational device” it was declared that he would soon return to Earth to bring peace, harmony and “a 4th movie in the lucrative Mad Max franchise.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 