“Author’s” note: This was not written by me, but was actually originally written by Andy Reed, who came up with the excellent names R-KID and R-MAM. However it is included here as I polished it a bit and I rather liked its silliness.
As a British-built spacecraft enters the final phase of its historic journey to Mars, it has been revealed that the eagerly anticipated mission, complete with music from the avant garde pop band Blur, may yet be upstaged by a rival probe financed by members of the rock band Oasis.
Beagle 2 blasted off from Kazakhstan back in June of this year and is scheduled to touch down on the Martian surface in the early hours of Christmas Day. If all goes according to plan, the lander will confirm that it has successfully reached its destination when it starts to transmit a sequence of notes composed by the pop group Blur. The music is then expected to be immediately recorded for posterity and circulated as a pirated exclusive on file-sharing networks around the universe.
However, at a press conference yesterday, Noel and Liam Gallagher revealed that they had secretly launched a rival spacecraft that would land before Blur’s contraption, thus establishing Oasis as “The best fucking band in the Solar System”.
“Anyone could see that the Blur space rocket was powered by crap Kinks rip-offs, which were seriously underpowered and relied on mincing synthesisers, drum machines and sequencers,” claimed Liam Gallagher, drinking liberally from a large canister labelled “Rocket Fuel”. “Our spacecraft is based on a classic fuel injection system utilising authentic Beatles riffs and power chords. It’s gonna fuck that Blur shite into Kingdom come.”
The Gallagher brothers claim that their probe ‘Hypersonic’ had already overtaken ‘Beagle 2’ and is due to make its final approach on Christmas Eve. It is then anticipated that the ship will split into two parts; the mothership ‘R-MAM’ will remain in orbit, whilst the lander ‘R-KID’ descends to the surface.”
On landing, it is anticipated that R-KID will immediately start an exploration of the Red Planet for signs of intelligent life, although it’s initial tests in Manchester failed to determine any. It will then investigate the presence of any “decent pubs, bars or top-class arse.” The Gallaghers were also able to confirm that the probe had been equipped with a number of unique pieces of equipment including a “knuckle duster, cosh and stanley knife” in the event that it had to become involved in a fight with any local aliens.
R-KID itself will be landing in a different locale to Beagle 2. This is primarily for scientific reasons, to avoid interference between the two craft and complications in the radio control of the units. It has also been explained by the mission commander, Shaun Ryder, that the Beagle 2 landing site, Isidis Planitia, was an inappropriate target since it was “too far south” and therefore “full of knob-jockeys.” Dr Ryder has confirmed however, that R-KID will be waiting as a welcoming committee to make sure that it can “smash up that fucker’s cameras” in case any paparazzi had smuggled themselves on board.
Noel Gallagher denied any competition between his own attempt to reach Mars and that of Blur’s. However, he did confirm that his band’s objective had been to record something that was both instantly recognisable and yet appropriate for the occasion, “Eventually we settled on ‘Beep… Beep… Bastard… Beep’ that way the entire world will be left in absolutely no doubt that they really are listening to R-KID.”
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