Author’s note: Spain had an Islamic terrorist bomb before an election, and the centre right government handled it terribly, blaming the Basques. As such, they got booted out and the new government decided that it would no longer support the US military adventures. The US response wasn’t pretty.
The United States Government has today declared war on Spain, “lock, stock and heavily smoking barrel”. The invasion, which follows on from the original US-Spanish war of 1898 is planned to begin at 1200 hours today and is described by US officials as “a supportive act” in the western war on terror who were reassured that it would be “broadly welcomed” by the Spanish people.
The plans were announced by a tense looking President Bush at the White House this morning. Standing in the rose garden and wearing a three piece camouflage jacket, matching beret and a pair of enormous yellow epaulettes, the President explained to the attendant media that, “following the terrorist attacks on Madrid, the people of Spain have spoken. They have elected a namby pamby socialist Government that is hell bent on peace, democracy and ‘not being a terrorist target, na, na, na, naa, na’. It’s an outrage, and we intend to do something about it. Oh dear us, yes.” At this point the President brought a large pistol out of his pocket and started waving it around – while administration officials hastily guided him back into the White House at a fast rate of knots.
Speaking to the Brains Trust the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Richard Myers, expressed concern that “while every country had to make its own decision about how it supports the war on terror, it’s important that that decision was the one decided on their behalf by the good old US of A. Hell, that’s just plain old democracy!” Warming to his theme, he continued that, “If you look back through history appeasement just hasn’t worked. What these bloody Spaniards have got to understand is that it’s vital that Al Qaeda have more than one target. And the more they are targeted the less we are, the selfish bloody gits.”
The invasion plans were hastily drawn up after what Defence Department spokesman, Derek Gadd, described as a “seriously boozy, I mean intense, lunch” between Secretary of Defence Don Rumsfeld and the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Donald Hastert. Mr Gadd explained that it was clear that the Spanish “hadn’t got the message the first time we kicked their asses in 1898,” and that the US people, although merciful, could still “remember the Alamo. Or was that the Mexicans?” He also pointed out that many of the most corrupt regimes in the world were filled with Hispanics, including Venezuela, Cuba and Florida.
As troops began to mass at various departure points across the US, amidst a flurry of supply trucks, maps and “anti-maraca devices,” George Bush, now looking “especially statesmanlike” sombrely warned that “from Barcelona in the Mediterranean to Cadiz in the Atlantic a paella curtain has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the ancient state of Espana.” He then warned that Spain may now form alliances with other European nations who were likely to build up an “Axis of Gastronomy” combining their love of garlic, rich sauces and state subsidies to undermine the healthy US culture of burgers, freedom fries and zero-tolerance.
The UK has already welcomed the invasion of Spain and has offered to supply troops, armaments and “unlimited quantities of soggy chips, fatty sausages and boiled cabbage.”
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