Author’s note: The civil service went on strike. No one noticed.

The UK stood on the brink of “total breakdown” today as 100,000 civil servants withdrew their labour imperilling vital services for the nation.

The strike represents a co-ordinated industrial action by a number of key civil service departments is in response to “appalling pay and conditions” experienced by the “vast majority” of civil servants. Strike leader for the Department of Paperclip Administration, Derek “Fidel” Gadd promised widespread misery for the country unless his demands were met. “Let the nation know the despair of improperly bound reports and loosely attached memoranda” he yelled via a loud hailer to the massed ranks of “fastening and attachment operatives” outside their offices in Bermondsey.

Mr Gadd was supported in his exhortations by Stephen “Dark” Knight, senior administrative assistant for the Department of Adding Up in the Office of National Statistics. Mr. Knight pointed out the many hours of arduous cumulating, collating and “occasionally inventing” statistics that his fellow officers had to carry out. “Many of us are expected to start before 10:00 and leave after 4PM, with only the occasional lunch hour, flexitime holiday, stress related sick leave visit to Alton Towers, working day at home or offsite training week to sustain us.”

Police have confirmed that they had switched to a state of high alert in anticipation of widespread panic as the public learned of delays to issuing industrial growth figures and anxious unemployed students were told of postponed jobseeker assessment interviews. A series of emergency measures has been put in place to provide coverage for the lost services. A contingent of ancillary police workers is already producing large numbers of meaningless reports filled with incomprehensible figures for release to the public. These are allegedly based on the officers’ own timesheets and senior officers’ expenses claims.

The army also remains on standby with a selection of Sergeant Majors ready to take over at job centres as soon as the need arises. The NCO’s will provide mentoring, counselling and “shouting very loudly” services to the unemployed. “We have undergone extensive training in yelling ‘Get back to work you ‘orrible, lazy scum’ and ‘What do you mean your disabled? Let’s see how disabled you are when I chase you round the parade ground with this bayonet sticking up your arse?’ at the good-for-nothing slackers, I mean unfortunately jobless,” shouted Sergeant Major Chris Jones, marching up and down a local job centre, beating the hands of job seekers with his parade stick.

Strike leaders have promised further industrial action with even larger numbers of civil servants throwing down their biros and refusing to action Government information leaflets, provide new reports on ethnicity in central Birmingham or distribute farming subsidies. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, has promised to look into the pay claims, shortly after completing the next round of redundancies and “just as soon as I’ve finished laughing.”

Author’s note: The Olympics were due to be held in Greece and despite the doubtless massive bungs and rampant corruption everyone seemed surprised that 6 months before they weren’t anywhere near ready.

The Greek authorities reassured the world today that the Athens Olympics would be the greatest ever by eschewing “modish professionalism that has tainted the purity of the Olympian ideal” and returning back to the original values of “Amateurism, dust and poor quality stadia.”

The Greeks have announced a “complete revamp” of the Olympics in order to return to the pure spirit of healthy competitiveness and definitely “not because we won’t have anything ready in time, oh dear us no.” Races will now be kicked off with the traditional starting catapult and timed using the “ancient and venerable Athenian sundial.” Derox Gaddapoulous, Olympic Supremo, explained the complex procedure that will be used to
measure the competitors’ times. “Through careful study of the sun and the use of the advanced abacus we are confident that we can measure an athlete’s time down to the nearest day. You see if we can’t.”

Mr Gaddapoulous also confirmed that the Greeks had decided to abandon the new stadium as unsuitable for the refreshed Olympian ideal The stadium, which was being constructed by “Gaddapoulous Building and Drain Cleaning Services. Cheap quotes. No job too early” will now be used as a kebab shop and events will be held at various “exciting venues” throughout Greece. The long jump will be held in the sand pit at St Peter’s Orthodox School for the Terminally Stupid with the rowing being held in a small puddle in downtown Athens and the marathon taking place over a “specially shortened Olympic bridleway.”

However, it is felt some competitors may object to reverting to the original costume arrangements for the Olympics by taking part in events completely naked. Mr Gaddapoulous assured the press that this was not because the Gaddapoulous Outfitters And Costumiers – “fancy dress our speciality” company had failed to produce any of the 10,000 sports outfits required. Mr Gaddapoulous assured the press that, although this was not his area of concern, the supply of 1000 cowboy outfits to the US team and 700 bearskin hats to the United Kingdom was purely a “logistical oversight”.

Speaking to the Brains Trust, Olympic-sized expert Dr Hugos X Hackenboubadopobush simply said that, “it’s all Greek to me.”

Author’s note: I hated wandering around London and being constantly badgered by Chuggers or Charity Muggers trying to get you to sign a direct debit. So I started this, but obviously never finished it.

The Metropolitan Police has issued a stark warning about the dangers of charity collectors on London’s streets, claiming that they now oppose a greater threat to public order than “vandals, muggers or, God help us, terrorists”

The warning comes on the back of an increasing incidence in the number of disturbances involving charity collectors prowling the capital city. The collectors, typically students working on commission, accost the public and use various techniques to persuade them to part with their money for charity. Originally these included, “being very annoying”, “using puppy eyes and a hurt expression when ignored” and “trapping your victim in a corner and telling them it was your birthday.” However, as competition has increased, charity collectors have employed increasingly desperate measures to persuade an unwilling public to part with its money.

The first of these to emerge appeared late last year when Friends of the Earth used a giant fisherman’s net to ensnare large numbers of passers-by. This was justified originally as a publicity stunt to show the plight of dolphins caught in trawlers’ nets. However, the metaphor was taken further when a number of collectors appeared in the middle of the net to represent “evil voracious sharks.” To show the terror a dolphin must then feel, the collectors insisted that everyone signed up for a direct debit to the charity – or else.

From then on, according to charity expert Derek Gadd, it was declared open season on “tourists, children, pensioners, anyone.” Parents were bought into a state of penury as toddlers signed up for massive monthly payments to the Great Ormond Street Hospital. Pensioners blew their children’s inheritance on donations to Help the Aged and several Irish American’s were unable to fund their return home after donating to the Republican Families’ Support Fund.

From this point on, it became inevitable that the different collectors would form themselves into tribal based gangs, complete with uniforms, initiation rites and secret code words and that turf wars would break out between them. The first recorded incident, on Leicester Square, took place between the ‘Shelter Hood’ and ‘Age Concern Massive.’ Both groups arrived at their favourite pitch on the corner of the square and refused to give ground.

Author’s note: Spain had an Islamic terrorist bomb before an election, and the centre right government handled it terribly, blaming the Basques. As such, they got booted out and the new government decided that it would no longer support the US military adventures. The US response wasn’t pretty.

The United States Government has today declared war on Spain, “lock, stock and heavily smoking barrel”. The invasion, which follows on from the original US-Spanish war of 1898 is planned to begin at 1200 hours today and is described by US officials as “a supportive act” in the western war on terror who were reassured that it would be “broadly welcomed” by the Spanish people.

The plans were announced by a tense looking President Bush at the White House this morning. Standing in the rose garden and wearing a three piece camouflage jacket, matching beret and a pair of enormous yellow epaulettes, the President explained to the attendant media that, “following the terrorist attacks on Madrid, the people of Spain have spoken. They have elected a namby pamby socialist Government that is hell bent on peace, democracy and ‘not being a terrorist target, na, na, na, naa, na’. It’s an outrage, and we intend to do something about it. Oh dear us, yes.” At this point the President brought a large pistol out of his pocket and started waving it around – while administration officials hastily guided him back into the White House at a fast rate of knots.

Speaking to the Brains Trust the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Richard Myers, expressed concern that “while every country had to make its own decision about how it supports the war on terror, it’s important that that decision was the one decided on their behalf by the good old US of A. Hell, that’s just plain old democracy!” Warming to his theme, he continued that, “If you look back through history appeasement just hasn’t worked. What these bloody Spaniards have got to understand is that it’s vital that Al Qaeda have more than one target. And the more they are targeted the less we are, the selfish bloody gits.”

The invasion plans were hastily drawn up after what Defence Department spokesman, Derek Gadd, described as a “seriously boozy, I mean intense, lunch” between Secretary of Defence Don Rumsfeld and the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Donald Hastert. Mr Gadd explained that it was clear that the Spanish “hadn’t got the message the first time we kicked their asses in 1898,” and that the US people, although merciful, could still “remember the Alamo. Or was that the Mexicans?” He also pointed out that many of the most corrupt regimes in the world were filled with Hispanics, including Venezuela, Cuba and Florida.

As troops began to mass at various departure points across the US, amidst a flurry of supply trucks, maps and “anti-maraca devices,” George Bush, now looking “especially statesmanlike” sombrely warned that “from Barcelona in the Mediterranean to Cadiz in the Atlantic a paella curtain has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the ancient state of Espana.” He then warned that Spain may now form alliances with other European nations who were likely to build up an “Axis of Gastronomy” combining their love of garlic, rich sauces and state subsidies to undermine the healthy US culture of burgers, freedom fries and zero-tolerance.

The UK has already welcomed the invasion of Spain and has offered to supply troops, armaments and “unlimited quantities of soggy chips, fatty sausages and boiled cabbage.”

Author’s note: Budget day. Always fun and this one seemed to be more like a Conservative budget than a Labour one. What could be the explanation?

There was embarrassment in Downing Street today when sources close to the Government confirmed that Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, had “completely forgotten” about the Budget.

Suspicions were first aroused when Mr. Brown emerged from No 11 Downing Street to greet the traditional throng of press reporters and photographers. At around 9:30AM the door opened and Mr. Brown emerged, unshaven and dressed in a long nightshirt and night cap. As he scratched his bottom and bent over to collect the milk and newspapers on the doorstep, his attention was attracted by the shouts from the journalists.

A clearly surprised Mr. Brown was seen to mouth “What the f….?” look at his watch, quickly grab the milk and bolt back inside. A frantic banging and crashing was then heard from No 11, with frequent shouts of “My God do you know what day it is”, “Sarah, have you seen my tie? No, not the blue one, the baby was sick on that” and “Where have you put my bloody budget box. I left it on the kitchen table.” Mr. Brown then re-emerged from the house about 15 minutes later, smiling and greeting the media pack. However, his insouciant air was somewhat undermined by a large quantity of shaving cream on his left ear, unkempt hair and ill matched socks.

There were other departures from the familiar budget day proceedings, as well. Rather than the traditional red box containing the budget papers, a smiling Mr Brown held up a Tesco’s Carrier Bag, which appeared to contain a banana and a three day old copy of the Evening Standard, explaining that this showed the Government’s commitment to prudence by not “frittering away money of expensive red boxes, dear me no” Mr. Brown also reinforced this by declaring that he had decided to walk “or possibly hop on a bus” to get to the Houses of Parliament rather than make an “advance booking” of the traditional limousine and confidently set off the wrong way along Downing Street.

After Mr. Brown eventually arrived at the House, having stopped to ask the way from a couple of Japanese tourists and a guard outside Buckingham Palace, he declared that the public should be ready for a “surprise budget”, before disappearing into his office with orders for “300 sheets of A4, 20 pencils and a large bottle of Glenmorangie. No ice.”

When Mr. Brown eventually arrived to give the budget, suspicions were further heightened that he may have borrowed heavily from the Conservatives financial plans, when he stood up to read his budget speech from a document with the words “Conservative Financial Strategy by Oliver Letwin” crossed out and replaced with “My Budget by Gordon Brown.” As Mr. Brown then outlined his plans he constantly referred the document to Mr. Letwin, with phrases such as “What the Hell does ‘financial disbursement realignment’ mean?”, “Are you sure you can spend that much on Education?” and “40,000 jobs? Sheesh, that seems a lot.”

As Mr. Brown completed his speech, Oliver Letwin, the Shadow Chancellor, stood up in an obvious state of confusion and began to read from a document entitled “Labour’s response to Conservative Tax Plans” condemning the budget for its “slash and burn tactics” and lamenting the loss of civil service jobs.

Charles Kennedy, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, was unavailable for comment, apparently having forgotten who he was after a “massive 7 day bender”

Author’s note: Banks. Everyone hates them and everyone who works for them seems to be a wanker.

The HSBC banking corporation, which has recently announced profits of almost 7 billion pounds, has admitted that it now has “more money that it knows what to do with” and that it is having to employ desperate measures to prevent “a massive overflow of cash throughout our offices”

The Bank’s headquarters in London has already undergone floor strengthening and the lower windows have been replaced with steel shutters to prevent the entire building from bursting apart with the rapidly filling ocean of cash. Workers on the lower floors have been equipped with various life saving flotation devices to sustain them in the morass of liquid assets rising through the floors.

The problems began when the banks strategy was altered a number of years ago from attempting to make “oodles of cash” to the more specific objective of wanting “a gazillion-billion pounds.” Whilst generally applauded in the City, alarm bells started to sound when the HSBC revealed last year that it was purchasing the Isle of Wight, depopulating it and then using it as “a gigantic cash-box.” From this point on, it became clear that the influx of money into the bank was becoming unsustainable.

Attempts were made to use the money for other purposes. The Yves Saint Laurent “Tenner” collection was hailed as a masterpiece on the catwalks of Paris but failed to catch the public’s imagination. The bank then launched a new rage of children’s building blocks, “Casho”, made from glued together fifty pound notes. However, the instruction leaflet, featuring designs for “frozen pork bellies,” “forward rate instruments” and “credit default derivative swaps”, proved unpopular with children. A final desperate attempt to heat the entire of City of London using a giant pyre of currency failed when Ken Livingstone, taking time off from his hectic restaurant review duties, pointed out that the whole area was supposed to be “a fucking smoke free zone”

The bank also discovered that giving the money away simply caused more problems. “We’d hand it over to poor people and within days they’d blown it on a holiday or a car and would be back in here looking for one of our “Eezee Pay” loans, which just generated more money for us,” claimed a senior employee who wished to remain anonymous.

As office workers used buckets to bail out the cash from the upper levels of the corporate HQ, the bank pleaded with the general public to do everything in its power to stop the inflow of money. “Stuff it in your mattress, keep it in a teapot on the mantelpiece or use it to make bird scarers or paper doilies. Just for God’s sake keep it away from us!”

Author’s note: We would occasionally adopt the idea of something being literal to illustrate a ludicrous argument. I am in general in favour of immigration – the benefits seem to outweigh the negatives. One particularly daft idea is (thank you Ragged Trousered Philanthropist) that there are a fixed number of jobs and so dastardly foreigners come over here and take them from locals. This seems to be the obvious end point of that

Following on from undercover investigations, the Brains Trust can reveal today that it has seen top level Government documents from the UK and US that confirm that foreign immigrants are illegally entering these countries and making off with western jobs.

In one report, an undercover Government inspector stationed at Dover witnessed several saloon cars stuffed full of British jobs being driven onto a ferry by Romanians, Poles and various “swarthy, foreign-looking types wearing traditional Burkhas and Turbans.” One driver, identified only as ‘Ahmed’, talked the inspector through his haul, pointing out a set of matching call-centre positions that he had obtained “for my Brother’s family”, a small retail position “for my Mum. It’ s a lovely job; flexible working hours and no heavy lifting. It’ll suit her just right” and a variety of cleaning jobs “for the kids back home”

He was unwilling to explain where he had obtained the jobs, muttering darkly that it “was a free country” and that he had got them legitimately, by being “more productive” and taking “less money” for them. However, the Brains Trust can reveal that a massive black market for stolen jobs has emerged, with many being sold off as legitimate items in car boot sales and job centres. From there, the jobs are taken for bargain rates by unscrupulous foreigners and exported abroad. They are then often imported back to these shores and passed off as British by the new owner having a better grasp of English and greater aptitude than before the job left the UK.

In the US, Mexico is seen as the main trafficker of jobs. Eyebrows were raised recently when, in a particularly audacious coup, Emilio Sanchez, a smallholder and maize farmer from San Esteban, was found with the job of Chief Executive of Exxon. Mr. Sanchez protested his innocence and claimed he had not stolen the job, explaining he had found it in a bag on his farm containing $15,000,000 of guaranteed share options, an executive jet and instructions to attend the Exxon Headquarters “at least once a month, to please our shareholders.” Insisting on his rights of “finders keepers” he is making a robust defence of his right to keep the job, with its previous holder Lee Raymond admitting that he couldn’t remember when he’d last seen the job as he’d got “kinda distracted by all my other non-executive positions”

Governments across the western world have promised get tough of job thefts. Border patrols have been set up across Texas, with routine stop-and-searches for anyone crossing the border to Mexico. However, in an embarrassing episode, it was found that one Texan border patrol was staffed entirely by Mexicans. After a frantic search, the original US holders were found bound and gagged near the border town of Eagle Pass and a furious row has broken out, with the Mexicans refusing to return the jobs and ignominiously dumping the Texas Rangers over the border for not “possessing the correct papers”

In the UK, the Home Secretary, spoke exclusively to the Brains Trust and played down the threat of massive job thefts. Sipping a Cardamom tea and wearing his favourite traditional red-check kuffiyyah headdress he assured us that the problem was a small one and that only the “indolent, incompetent or completely useless need fear having their jobs stolen. Allah be praised”

Author’s note: The Conservatives in the UK lurched from one defeat to another. The conservatives in Iran, however, were doing rather well. Surely, that presented an opportunity:

The Conservative party was celebrating a “famous victory” in the recent Iranian elections today. Despite continued poor showings in the polls in the United Kingdom, party leaders declared that the Iranian clean sweep showed that the party’s firm policies were swaying voters and that further election victories were only a matter of time.

Speaking to a packed press conference at the Alhambra mosque Michael al-Howard, the leader

Michael al-Howard sporting a large turban and enormous beard celebrated the Conservative victory in Iran’s recent elections.
Anti-immigration and strong defence policies
Mullah Letwin –
Lib Dems pointed out their success in Local elections

Author’s note: David Kelly decided to leak some secrets about the dossier on WMD and when he got caught he committed suicide. Everyone decided to make hay with this and the BBC conducted an investigation into whether the story about the evidence for WMD, based on the leaked information, should have been allowed to go ahead. The outcome was that some fact checking had been defective and Greg Dyke, the Director General and a man not short of self-importance, offered his resignation, confident that it would be rejected. It was however accepted by the Board of Governors and he found himself somewhat unceremoniously unemployed. As a side line, on the day of his resignation I found myself sitting on the table beside him at the River Cafe. The service, which was already terrible, became noticeably worse and the trail of obsequious media luvvies coming and telling him what a fantastic chap he was completely ruined the lunch.

In an ironic twist, the BBC has been rocked by a mass suicide as the corporation faces the “utter shame” of having been held solely responsible for the death of top UK Intelligence Scientist Dr. David Kelly

As a mark of their despair, all presenters on BBC television have been wearing black and many have shaved their heads and written “unclean” across their foreheads. On Newsnight, Jeremy Paxman, his face haggard and drawn, confessed to personally phoning David Kelly “at frequent intervals” and goading him into “stitching up the Government”. As he beat his head repeatedly on his “executive-style, stripped maple workstation complete with advanced flat screen computer” and wrung his hands in penitence, he begged for forgiveness from his audience. He then declared on live television that he had “had enough” before producing a “Hardy’s of Pall Mall” Fly Fishing rod and expertly casting a noose around his neck and throttling himself.

Meanwhile on the Radio 4 Programme “Today” it appears that a distraught John Humphrys and James Naughtie entered into a joint suicide pact. Listeners became alarmed when during the morning programme their speech became increasingly slurred and was interrupted by frequent appeals including “I’ve fucked it all up, my whole life has been one big fuck up,” “I wish I’d never told Gilligan to make up that Alastair Campbell story” and, Mr. Humphry’s final words “I love you, man, I really do.” After the police broke down the door to the recording studio, the two presenters were found slumped over their desks surround by empty bottles of sleeping tablets and 5 empty bottles of vodka.

Further indications that members of the BBC were taking the judgement to heart came when Gavyn Davies announced his resignation. As he read out his 15 page “act of repentance”, frequently stopping to clear his throat and wipe tears from his eyes, he admitted that he took full responsibility for “personally driving David Kelly to his rendezvous with Andrew Gilligan.” Furthermore, he accepted that it was “entirely the BBC’s fault” that David Kelly had decided to break the official secrets act and talk to journalists. As he completed his statement he claimed that he felt it was his duty to return his fortune of 150 million pounds to the public, before climbing onto a massive stack of 50 pound notes, dousing himself with petrol and tossing a lighted match onto the pyre.

He was closely followed by Greg Dyke, who disappeared after an emotional press conference in which he implored the forgiveness of “Tony Blair, Alastair Campbell, Mrs. Kelly, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Allah, Confucius and anyone else who knows me.” Mr Dyke was found several hours later in a private cubicle of the Carlton Club, apparently having exploded after consuming “1500 oysters, 23 pounds of foie gras and 15kilograms of Caviar.”

From this point on an avalanche of BBC employees decided to “do the decent thing” and end their own lives. As the halls of Broadcasting House filled with the bodies of deceased workers, Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, expressed his regret at the “loss of life” but promised that a new organisation would be built from the ashes of the corporation. “As an interim measure,” he explained, “We will ensure unbiased reporting of current affairs with the establishment of a unit we have provisionally entitled Blair’s Broadcasting Company.”

“Author’s” note: This was not written by me, but was actually originally written by Andy Reed, who came up with the excellent names R-KID and R-MAM. However it is included here as I polished it a bit and I rather liked its silliness.

As a British-built spacecraft enters the final phase of its historic journey to Mars, it has been revealed that the eagerly anticipated mission, complete with music from the avant garde pop band Blur, may yet be upstaged by a rival probe financed by members of the rock band Oasis.

Beagle 2 blasted off from Kazakhstan back in June of this year and is scheduled to touch down on the Martian surface in the early hours of Christmas Day. If all goes according to plan, the lander will confirm that it has successfully reached its destination when it starts to transmit a sequence of notes composed by the pop group Blur. The music is then expected to be immediately recorded for posterity and circulated as a pirated exclusive on file-sharing networks around the universe.

However, at a press conference yesterday, Noel and Liam Gallagher revealed that they had secretly launched a rival spacecraft that would land before Blur’s contraption, thus establishing Oasis as “The best fucking band in the Solar System”.

“Anyone could see that the Blur space rocket was powered by crap Kinks rip-offs, which were seriously underpowered and relied on mincing synthesisers, drum machines and sequencers,” claimed Liam Gallagher, drinking liberally from a large canister labelled “Rocket Fuel”. “Our spacecraft is based on a classic fuel injection system utilising authentic Beatles riffs and power chords. It’s gonna fuck that Blur shite into Kingdom come.”

The Gallagher brothers claim that their probe ‘Hypersonic’ had already overtaken ‘Beagle 2’ and is due to make its final approach on Christmas Eve. It is then anticipated that the ship will split into two parts; the mothership ‘R-MAM’ will remain in orbit, whilst the lander ‘R-KID’ descends to the surface.”

On landing, it is anticipated that R-KID will immediately start an exploration of the Red Planet for signs of intelligent life, although it’s initial tests in Manchester failed to determine any. It will then investigate the presence of any “decent pubs, bars or top-class arse.” The Gallaghers were also able to confirm that the probe had been equipped with a number of unique pieces of equipment including a “knuckle duster, cosh and stanley knife” in the event that it had to become involved in a fight with any local aliens.

R-KID itself will be landing in a different locale to Beagle 2. This is primarily for scientific reasons, to avoid interference between the two craft and complications in the radio control of the units. It has also been explained by the mission commander, Shaun Ryder, that the Beagle 2 landing site, Isidis Planitia, was an inappropriate target since it was “too far south” and therefore “full of knob-jockeys.” Dr Ryder has confirmed however, that R-KID will be waiting as a welcoming committee to make sure that it can “smash up that fucker’s cameras” in case any paparazzi had smuggled themselves on board.

Noel Gallagher denied any competition between his own attempt to reach Mars and that of Blur’s. However, he did confirm that his band’s objective had been to record something that was both instantly recognisable and yet appropriate for the occasion, “Eventually we settled on ‘Beep… Beep… Bastard… Beep’ that way the entire world will be left in absolutely no doubt that they really are listening to R-KID.”