Author’s note: We’d invaded Iraq and were still pretending the WMD existed and would be found. Just like other things…

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, remains “hugely confident” that the Loch Ness monster will be found “within the next few weeks” and is prepared to “bet that anyone who says otherwise will be looking pretty silly very shortly, dear me yes.”

The Prime Minister’s assertions come after the resignation of Dr. Jonathan Selby, Emeritus Professor of Unexplained Phenomena and Attractions for Gullible Tourists at the University of Aberdeen. Dr. Selby had spent several years using a variety of methods to search for the fabled beast. These included radar, a miniature submarine and a “host of Scottish revellers in the world’s largest simultaneous recitation of the poetry of Rabbie Burns.”

Another attempt to lure the animal from the depths using a “large hook baited with finest malt whisky” only succeeded in capturing Charles Kennedy and Robin Cook, who were reportedly campaigning in the area at the time. Dr. Selby finally admitted defeat after the entire loch was drained in an ultimately fruitless search for the elusive creature. Few now believe that the Loch Ness Monster will ever be found, despite the Prime Minister insisting that the large number of “ferocious looking catfish” were “very suspicious” and pointing out a “Nessie like skeleton” that turned out to be an old supermarket trolley. Mr. Blair, however, remains adamant that the intelligence reports gathered over several decades are accurate.

At a press conference, he held a flash photograph of Nessie taken by 73 year old Hamish McGinty at 11:30PM outside the “Awld Reekie” public house. Whilst admitting that to the “untrained eye” the photo could have been mistaken for a child’s inflatable rubber ring, complete with pink horses head, floating on the surface of the loch, Mr. Blair described in detail, using an elaborate set of arrows, annotated figures and “industrial style laser pointers”, the key features on the photo that revealed it to be the Loch Ness Monster. These included “a monster like head, proximity to Loch Ness and several other features which are still top secret.” Mr. Blair also described the photographer’s encounter with the fearsome creature. “Mr. McGinty clearly remembers the monster shouting, ‘Watch your step, Hamish’ shortly before it dragged him into the water. He was then attacked by the creature and sustained several injuries. The man is a national hero.”

A subsequent investigation by the military authorities admitted that his injuries were also consistent with “having fallen down a steep bank whilst inebriated.” However, 20th Century Fox has dismissed this report and claims its television special “Hamish McGinty – an all-Scottish hero” featuring Brad Pitt with a Scottish accent and an ill-fitting Tam O’Shanter bravely fighting off 15 “Jurassic Park” style dinosaurs is an accurate representation of the encounter.

Mr. Blair also took the opportunity to reassure the public that the Metropolitan Police was “days away” from finding Lord Lucan, that alien life-forms would soon be detected on Mars and that, in a recent teleconference with the President of the United States, he had been “completely reassured” that it was only a matter of time before the Bigfoot was finally located.

Author’s note: I endured lunch with two friends who were on the Atkins diet and kept spouting a load of pseudo scientific twaddle about how it worked. So I wrote this article as a response. And then, in a bizarre twist a colleague of one of them sent the same article, and he then sent it to me with an outraged “Did you write this?” I’m not sure whether he was more angry that I was taking the mickey out of him or that the Brains Trust actually had real devoted followers, that he knew.

A new diet which is reported to bring dramatic results has been slammed by dieticians and nutritionists as “deeply damaging” and likely to cause “serious long-term harm to our profession”

The diet, which has been enthusiastically embraced by a small group of people, dismissed as “freaks and faddists” by the nutrition industry, is known as the “Eat less and do some exercise, you fat cunt” diet. It does not have the endorsement of any major nutritionist and it comes with no supporting books, videos or sponsorship deals from multi-national food groups. Speaking on behalf of the nutrition industry Dr Chris Jones expressed grave concern about the dangers of the new cult diet. “People are literally sitting at home and cutting back a little bit on the amount they eat without any consultation of our members’ books and without joining any form of support group. Even worse, many are carrying out light exercise, such as walking the dog or going for a short jog, without joining a gym or investing huge amounts in branded sportswear and expensive trainers. If this were to continue, thousands of workers at healthfood shops, gyms and organic farms could be put completely out of business.”

Dr. Jones went on to explain that most modern diet programmes are the results of many hours of research into randomly selecting ingredients, combining them with wholly unrelated metabolic phenomena and then sprinkling in a generous selection of impressive sounding scientific words such as glycolosis and phenotype. The nutritionist then relies on psycho-somatic phenomena for a small short-term loss in weight, before the dieter gives up and selects a new programme. “It’s one lovely virtuous cash-rich cycle,” enthused Dr. Jones.

The diet has taken off in the teeth of a number of other diets that are sweeping the globe. The new “pubic hair” diet is proving particularly popular, combining “extreme waxing” with a diet of oriental leaves and the practise of tantric chi to achieve a balance of life forces as well as sustainable weight loss. “The acolyte is encouraged to grow all of their bodily hair for at least six months, to remove toxins from the body, and then shave it all off,” explained Dr. Jones. “This achieves an immediate weight-loss, sometimes of several pounds in heavily bearded men or women such as Anne Widdecombe.” Other programmes such as the “Atkins Max Lard” diet and the “Shape Up and Sit” chairobics regime are also achieving a rapid take up.

The diet has also been slammed by Government officials as “wanton.” Their concerns were expressed by Health Secretary @@@ who was worried that it could undermine the governments healthy eating programmes

Author’s note: A brief article on the next phase for the famous Labour pledge cards.

The Labour Party has confirmed today that it would soon be launching a new Labour Loyalty Card for its Members of Parliament. The loyalty card, which will replace the previous pledge card, will be carried by each parliamentary member of the Labour Party and entitle the holder to special Labour Party Executive privileges including the use of a “New Labour” lounge, a complimentary handbook on motivational speaking by Peter Mandleson and a 24 hour security monitoring service in case the holder ever wandered “off-message” or was worried they may have lost their majority. The card would operate each time an MP voted on a bill: if the MP voted with the Government they would be able to swipe their card and collect valuable points that could be redeemed for a “new car, exotic holiday or prestigious junior ministerial position.” If they voted against the Government, swiping the card would immediately open an “emergency helpline trapdoor” beneath their feet, allowing the MPs to review their decision locked in a small broom cupboard for a number of days. The accrual of points would lead to Silver, Gold and Platinum membership with greatly enhanced positions of influence. However, those that failed to build up enough points to ensure basic membership would soon find themselves facing de-selection committees. Commenting on the launch of the card, a spokesman for the Labour Party denied that they would be seeking to extend its benefits via an alliance with Tescos, but did hand out promotional leaflets for a new “Labour-To-You” MP delivery service.

Author’s note: The Tories now under “something of the night” Michael Howard were trying to pinch some of the spin doctoring of Labour, which really didn’t suit them at the time.

Michael Howard has confirmed that following the successful launch of his 16 political principles this week, he would be pursuing a parallel career as a motivational speaker.

Sporting a deep mahogany tan and a new set of porcelain replacement teeth, Mr. Howard explained that the he realised there was “great pain” at the heart of the country and that only by “sharing our inner turmoil” could we overcome the nation’s problems together. “Citizens of the United Kingdom, rise up and embrace change, release the latent ambition within yourselves and crush the negative thoughts that confine you,” yelled Mr. Howard to a startled pack of journalists. Holding his arms wide he then attempted to embrace a rapidly fleeing Paul Routledge of the Daily Mirror, encouraging the Political Editor to “lay naked and expose his hidden ying,” at which suggestion Fi Glover of the BBC was violently ill.

A video was then shown of how Mr. Howard had reached inner peace and come up with his deep new political philosophy. In the video Mr. Howard was seen talking earnestly to what the press handout described as “ordinary people”, frequently holding them firmly by the hand with a look of great concern on his face. In other scenes he was seen meditating and sharing “quality time” with great spiritual gurus and close personal friends, including Nelson Mandela, Pope John Paul II and Vaclav Havel, all of whom were played in the video by members of the shadow cabinet “for contractual reasons.”

After the screening, Oliver Letwin explained that Mr Howard had now gone “to a higher place” in which to come up with further core beliefs to inspire the country, hastily drawing a curtain across a doorway to hide a person of similar appearance to Mr. Howard furiously breaking open fortune cookies and writing down their contents.

Mr Howard’s new approach has had some success politically, however. During a New Year debate with the Prime Minister at the House of Commons, Mr. Blair was clearly rattled when during an argument over the European Constitution, Mr. Howard suddenly clutched his temples, adopted a penetrating stare and declared that Mr Blair would soon be meeting a “tall, dark stranger with something of the night about him.” As Mr. Blair struggled to respond, Mr. Howard, now rapidly shuffling a deck of Tarot cards, added that the stranger was “going to kick your arse at the next election. Assuming your heart doesn’t go pop first, cardiac-boy.”

A Conservative Party spokesman confirmed that Mr. Howard would be embarking on a series of motivational meetings with the general public over the coming months and further initiatives could be expected. These are believed to include a book “The Prophesies of Howard,” which demonstrates how ancient pre-incarnations of Michael Howard has prophesised every significant event of the last 5000 years, apart from the poll tax, using arcane language and obscure quatrains. Further innovations may include the compulsory wearing of priestly robes by the shadow cabinet and the mass brainwashing of the entire population to “Vote Howard.”