Author’s note: As the Harry Potter film’s proceeded and the characters grew up there was a darker tone to the films, which led to an obvious conclusion

Concerns are growing over the decision of the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) to pass the new Harry Potter film with a 12A certificate after demanding only modest cuts from a film which Warner Brother’s admits contains some of the most brutal and explicit scenes ever filmed.

Christopher Columbus, the film’s director, admitted that he had pushed the envelope in deciding to release for classification a film that contains scenes of mutilation, violent bullying and beating a person to death with a broomstick. However he felt that the hyper-realism employed justified the inclusion of these scenes.

“It’s time young people grew up,” he declared. “Which obviously they will do. And this film will help them to understand the realities of society in a private school for wizards. This film does not pull its punches in revealing the sordid underbelly of bullying, intimidation and sex that goes on in these places. Christ, this film is so realistic it could be a fucking documentary.”

Although many familiar favourites from the book are included in the film, many have been altered to suit the new darker tone. The game of Quidditch is now based on Rollerball with heavily protected school children brawling in mid-air to grab the golden orb. One scene features Harry Potter ripping the helmet from a fellow player and repeatedly smashing his studded glove into his head. The replacement of the Ghost Nearly Headless Nick with a blood slavering, partially decomposed Zombie who appears in successive scenes exhibiting more and more putrefaction is also likely to raise some viewers eyebrows.

Mr. Columbus also defended scenes showing the “sexual awakening” of Hermione Granger. The scenes feature what Mr. Columbus describes as “Hermione’s first delightful forays into the pleasures of the flesh.” “They are completely valid in the context of making a film about kids struggling to understand their own bodies as they move into adolescence” claimed Mr. Columbus. “The charges that this is pornography tailored to satisfy the lust of men with an unhealthy interest in young girls is ridiculous. And anyway, let’s be honest, who’s going to be interested in a scene of a spotty 13 year old boy learning to masturbate?”

The film has also shocked some viewers by its use of language. A scene with Harry Potter confronting Lucius Malfoy and calling him a “cock-sucking motherfucker” then claiming he was going to “blow your fucking head off” with his semi-automatic wand loaded with dum-dum spells capable of “turning your insides to strawberry jam” caused some parents to faint with shock, although their children seemed unphased.

The BBFC justified its decision by explaining that it’s guidelines clearly stated that viewers were entitled to be treated like adults, especially children, and make their own minds up as to the acceptability of sex and violence in a film, adding “Kids today, eh? Who’d have ’em?”

Author’s note: Iraq and the rest of the world waited gingerly for the invasion from the US that now seemed inevitable. The phrase Weapons of Mass Destruction – a catch all that implied nuclear devices or chemical weapons, but could include any high explosives, was everywhere. Iraq didn’t have chance using conventional tactics so what about unconventional ones?

The Iraqis have launched a new strategy for building up their armed forces and weapons capability in the face of greatly increased UN inspections and an increasingly hawkish attitude from the US. Rather than investing in destructive capability or large numbers of highly trained militia, Iraq will instead develop its capabilities in “making it look like we’re a lot tougher than we are” by using “distraction, deception and disruption”

Information that has come into the hands of the Brains Trust, shows that the Iraqis have already embarked on investing in these “weapons of mass distraction.” They have recently purchased at least 3000 inflatable tanks from the UK, a large number of “quite realistic, AK-47 style” potato guns from Belgium and a great quantity of “exceptionally loud” fireworks from China.

“The West will take one look at this lot drifting over the horizon and they will be out of here quicker than you can say ‘tactically planned withdrawal’,” claimed Mustapha Al-Ayyam, Commander-in-Chief of the 3rd Inflatable Sex Doll Garrison, as he frantically prepared for an inspection of his troops with the aid of a foot pump and a Dunlop bicycle tyre repair kit. However, Commander Al-Ayyam does admit that there are reports of teething troubles in some Iraqi divisions. “There was a mix up with the gases and we ended up filling our Chieftain tanks with helium and our F-14 fighters with carbon dioxide. The sight of an entire battalion of tanks launching into the air, whilst impressive, lacked the gritty realism we sought.”

The Iraqis are also employing other new methods to frustrate any attempts to force regime change. It is believed that all Iraqi soldiers are being trained in “Distractics: the art of distracting your enemy.”

“When confronted by a US soldier who is better armed, better trained and better fed it is essential that our soldier maintains the advantage,” claims an Iraqi training manual. The Distractics include teaching Iraqi soldiers English phrases such as “Ooh! Look! Behind you!”, “You’ve got a smut on your nose, Bud” or “Quick! I just saw Saddam on a bicycle going round that corner.” When the invading force is distracted the Iraqi is then taught to invoke the “tactics of evasion” such as “pretending to be a lamppost, hiding in the nearest bush or giving the oppressor a wedgie and legging it, pronto”

Most chillingly, it is also believed that the Iraqis are intending to take these new techniques into the heart of the west. An Al-Qaeda training camp has reportedly been training its conscripts in the “tactics of mass disruption”. Operatives are already thought to be working in the heart of many cities. In central London a terrorist army of “white van drivers” use suicide driving techniques and collateral damage parking to ensure that the capital is unable to function normally. Squads of suicide queue jumpers are prepared to risk death at the hands of angry shoppers by pushing to the front of a queue and then insisting on paying for low value items with a cheque whilst not being in possession of any form of ID. A Government memo provides the last word on the near certain destruction of society that will result. “The potential for massive numbers of dead and injured as irate shoppers collapse with frustration or turn on one another in hand-to-hand umbrella fighting is massive. And if they ever succeed in their efforts to drop massive numbers of traffic cones on our roads, then God help us.”

Author’s note: Microsoft had just been handed an anti-trust ruling and its Windows operating system and Office products bestraddled the world, but were becoming ever more complex and difficult to use. And they hadn’t even released Vista, yet…

Following on from the landmark antitrust ruling against Microsoft which backed away from splitting the company up and instead issued a stern rebuke exhorting the company to “Play nice and stop bullying everyone”, Microsoft has announced its plans to push ahead with the development and launch of its new Windows operating system.

The announcement was made by Bill Gates from the front of his enormous home “Geekland” where every function is controlled by Microsoft software. After coats were handed out to waiting reporters to combat the freezing temperatures produced by air-conditoners which were “awaiting a software patch” Mr Gates began. “We guarantee that the next release of the Microsoft Windows and Office suite will be so packed with features that no one will ever use more than 10% of them,” he boomed out as the PA system automatically turned the volume to 12,000 decibels to compensate for a Jumbo Jet that had passed overhead three days ago. “We have also ensured that the bits people do use will be stuffed full of irritating features, non-intuitive questions and functional dead-ends. As the dominant software company in the world, owning 99% of the desktop software market, this asserts our right to do whatever we damn well like. It says to the public ‘Stuff the lot of you. Frankly, we don’t give a damn.'”

The new system, code-named “DirtyWindows”, will boast a “dramatically improved ergonomically designed user interface.” The software shall “enhance the richness of the user experience” by ensuring that everyone has to spend several days searching for previous beloved functions or shortcuts that have now been renamed or completely deleted. Microsoft claims to have carried out the world’s largest ever customer survey to gather peoples opinions on their software and promises to “study the result very carefully before we completely ignore them.” Vice President of Customer Delight, Brad Buckenheim, presented Microsoft’s analysis of the results commenting “Fuck me, you people sure do moan a lot, don’t you? We give you all of these features and functionality and all you do is whine on about a fucking talking paper-clip. Christ, don’t you know you can easily change it to a cute puppy or kitten. We even gave you an hilarious mad professor. Sometimes I think you people don’t want help. Well in DirtyWindows we guarantee you won’t get any. We have decided to completely remove all help facilities from you, you whining, miserable tossers. Instead, you’ll get a premium rate helpline that links you to our state of the art call center in Uzbekistan where even now we are teaching our staff the how to say the phrase “Yes that is a known feature which will fixed in the next release” in rudimentary English.

As Mr. Buckenheim then fell into a large trapdoor that opened unexpectedly beneath his feet by the house control system which had detected a “large delivery of coal”, a demonstration of a beta-release of the new Microsoft Office suite was provided. New functions include the spell double-checker, which continually queries whether the user is sure that a word is spelt correctly, finishing with the message “Hey! I was talking to you! Are you sure this is right? Don’t you dare shut me down” on closing a document. Other are the Microsoft “Cliff-hanger” function which automatically deletes the last paragraph of any document to create a mood of mystery and suspense and the Excel random number inserter which automatically changes a single number in a spreadsheet once it reaches a pre-defined level of complexity.

At the end of the demonstration, Karen M Hart, chairperson of the Microsoft User Group expressed her groups view that “this seemed the logical extension of Microsoft’s previous release strategy.”

Author’s note: I didn’t ever finish this. Popular television personalities Angus Deyton and John Leslie were both in trouble for the usual shenanigans with drugs and three-in-a-bed romps. More seriously, Leslie was then indirectly accused of rape by Ulrika Johnson and I think I decided that an article joking about him being less bad than the current Tory leadership had gone seriously off the rails.

It was confirmed today by high-level sources within the Conservative Party that they were seeking alternative candidates for leadership and that owing to the “piss poor” nature of those available within the party they were being forced to “cast the net a little wider.”

“Angus and John Leslie are natural Tories, even if they don’t know it yet” claimed top Tory strategist Hugo Z Hackenbush. “They are charming rogues with no morals who will do anything for money. It’s practically our manifesto. They also fit the principal requirement for leading the Tories; namely they are white Anglo-Saxon males. We’ve only broken that rule once and look at the trouble that caused. And it’s well known that electing a woman was a mistake that was only discovered in the showers on a shadow-cabinet Rugby tour of France in ’79. They also both have other vital qualities missing in recent leaders – they have a personality and aren’t bald”

“Angus is still a very popular figure with the public and his ready wit and debating style could be just what we need to add some sparkle to Prime Minister’s question time. His cocaine sniffing will give him vital insights into how we should be formulating our drug’s policy and what could send out the message of tolerance better than a man with direct experience of creating a single parent family?”

It was admitted that the reintegration of John Leslie could be trickier, but one of his keenest supporters, Sir Teddy Taylor was keen to point out that everyone should be given a second chance. “I mean we forgave Michael Portillo the fact that he was once a toe-touching, fudge-packing, bendy boy, didn’t we? At least John Leslie is all man with red blood running through his veins. And as for these hysterical women shouting ‘rape’ at every opportunity – it’s obvious they were begging for it. And it’s well known that Ulrika likes a bit of rough”

However, other career options may also be opening for the pair. The makers of the James Bond films have reportedly approached them both for screen tests for the role. “They both have that edgy, devil-may care allure of Bond” explained Barbara Broccoli, the producer of the films. “We may have to make some adaptations to the character – having him have a double life as a breakfast television host with a beautiful assistant, for example, although we aren’t anticipating testing Fern Britton for that role.”

The Tories though are expected to put up very tempting package on offer for either of the pair. “Look at the opportunities available as leader of the Tories – a nice safe seat with almost complete immunity from prosecution, plenty of foreign travel and top totty like Edwina Currie throwing themselves at you.”

Mr. Hackenbush, however, dismissed claims that the leadership may be offered to Michael Howard.

Author’s note: I’v no idea of the context for this, but I’m guessing the National Lottery was in trouble for not giving enough to good causes.

The beleaguered UK National Lottery has announced a new set of games with which it hopes to restore its fortunes. The games were announced by Lottery Chief Executive Dianne Thompson at a press conference this morning. “These new games will exploit a strategy of ‘high-risk, high-reward’. They will allow players to get some of the biggest prizes on offer in the world, but will also offer commensurate losses if they fail to win.” Ms. Thompson then went on to preside over the first scratch-card game “Win a Million” by enthusiastic punter Derek Gadd. “This is brilliant” claimed an excited Mr. Gadd. “I can now walk into a newsagent, hand over a quid and potentially walk out a millionaire.” Mr. Gadd then scratched off the card to reveal three lemons. “Right, well I’m afraid that means you now owe us a million” explained Ms. Thompson to an alarmed looking Mr. Gadd. “Look it’s no good complaining, I think you’ll find the full title of the game is ‘Win a million (*lose a million)’. The risks are clearly set out in the small print on the back of the card by this asterisk underneath the enormous printed banner saying “Get Lucky with a Millionaire Lotto. It all goes to good causes and paying for my bonus, you know.” At this point, Mr. Gadd was led away by several burly ‘credit advisors’ to discuss the Lottery’s attractive new re-mortgaging options.

Author’s note: Bloody French, always sticking their oar in when it’s not wanted and preventing the invasion of Iraq. Typical.

The disagreements between France and the United Kingdom at the recent EU summit have now escalated into a serious diplomatic incident with the UK demanding the immediate and complete replacement of the entire French Government.

The argument started between British Prime Minister Tony Blair and French President Jacques Chirac over the deal agreed privately between France and Germany on farm subsidies. A furious Mr. Blair reportedly called Mr. Chirac a “garlic chewing subsidy junkie” and Mr. Chirac responded by claiming the Prime Minister was a “Guitar strumming Anglo-Saxon capitalist God-boy.” As the argument became more heated the two men had to be separated after Mr. Chirac grabbed Tony Blair’s hair and started to pull it chanting “Tony Blair! Tony Blair! He’s Dubya’s boy with girly hair!” and Mr. Blair started to kick Mr. Chirac’s ankles promising to “set Charles Clarke on you, just see if I don’t”

At the end of the summit, tensions still remained high and the French demanded an immediate apology after Mr. Chirac was found to be wandering around the closing press conference with a large sign labelled “Kick Me!” fastened to his back. A furious Mr. Chirac named Mr. Blair as the culprit claiming he would recognise “that scrawly hand” anywhere. Mr Blair responded equally furiously shouting “Did not!” with Mr Chirac responding “Did! Did! Did! With knobs on!”

The press conference ended acrimoniously with both sides promising to “get one another”. Despite Romano Prodi’s subsequent efforts to patch up the argument, the United Kingdom has now declared France a rogue state and has demanded immediate regime change.

Mr Blair outlined the “entirely reasonable” demands that the UK required to restore normal relations across the channel. “We demand the immediate closure of the Al Qaeda training camp at Sangatte. The production of cheeses of mass destruction must cease forthwith. And the ruthless suppression of other cultures must be stopped – the French people’s right to speak English must be recognised.”

Mr. Blair also went on to describe how he had already assembled the biggest cross channel invasion force since the Second World War. “At all of our major southern sea ports we have massed ranks of shoppers waiting to board our flotilla of ferries. Our motorised division of MPV’s and Volvo’s is ready to stream over the channel and overwhelm the puny forces of French Shopkeepers. Our search for cheap wine and excellent patisserie products will be relentless.”

He concluded by explaining how the UK had been left with no choice but to declare direct rule on France until they are willing and able to install a Government that the rest of the world recognises as being acceptable. “For too long now the French people have lived under an autocratic and corrupt regime. It is time to finally replace this puppet Government.” Mr Blair then introduced the “new French Government” which would be headed up by John Prescott as “his renown language skills will help build up an entente cordiale with the French people”. Other functions have also been set-up to reflect “French national interests” including the “Ministry of Garlic”, “Ministry of Wine” and “Ministry of Soap – make sure you use it at least once a day.”
The United States has promised its full support for the United Kingdom’s initiative, calling it “reasonable, proportionate and very likely to get right up their enormous French noses”

Direct rule
Demanding the closure of Al Qaeda training camp at Sangatt
Immediate halt to the cheeses of mass destruction
Invasion by cross-channell ferries. Shoppers will overwhelm the megre forces of shop assistants
US has promised full support “For too long the French have lived under the autocratic and corrupt regime. Their puppet government and prentence at democracy.

Author’s note: This was a different take on the Moscow Theatre Hostage Crisis in 2002. It was never published as Tom Salinsky, the Editor in Chief at the time, felt it trivialised the event. Which it did, but it was still funnier than the published version.

The Russian Government has finally revealed that the mystery substance used to overcome the Chechen Terrorists was not a secret gas, as previously suspected, but an “alternative dance group funded by Camden Council”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” claimed Russian President, Vladimir Putin. “We knew that it was risky and the damage to innocent hostages could be high, but we were left with little choice.” Mr Putin went on to explain that at about 6AM on the morning of the rescue, shots were heard from inside the theatre and the order was given to release the dancers.

“They were introduced via the air-conditioning system and immediately entered the stage where they began to perform their ‘primal dance routine’ named ‘The disconfiguration of Mother Earth by globalists’. It is described in their programme as ‘a thought provoking piece which shows the rape of the Earth by big business juxtaposing the elegance of classical dance with the aggression of hip-hop accompanied by an atonal piano score by deaf composer Igor Scratchan.’ Within seconds we could hear agonised groans from the audience and moments later they began to drop to the floor. Within a minute both terrorists and hostages were unconscious, numbed with the shock of the performance.”

Mr. Putin also revealed that the approach was being studied by the anti-terrorist units of several other countries. “Whilst it is clear that this technique requires some refinement, this daring use of alternative dance has proved its potency in overcoming terrorists,” he claimed. “It is now only a matter of time before similar forms of alternative entertainment become commonplace in the anti-terrorist arsenal.”

Reports are already coming in of international flights being accompanied by ‘security jugglers’ and performance artists. However, the introduction of stilt-walkers has had to be curtailed after one of them inadvertently put his stilt through the fuselage resulting in the decompression and crash of the plane and subsequent deaths of 340 passengers and crew. Several countries have also installed fire-eaters and feminist comedians on emergency standby in their Parliament buildings. In the Middle East a team of suicide modern poets has taken up residence in Gaza and reports of covert Peter Greenaway films being smuggled into Iraq have yet to be confirmed.

Mr. Putin finished by regretting the deaths caused by those unable to withstand the shock of the treatment. However, he justified the strong measures and claimed that in future he would not hesitate to introduce mime artists, East European animation or even Harrison Birtwhistle if the situation called for it. Speaking on behalf of the dance troupe, Petra De Souza declared that she was very pleased with their performance and was especially delighted with the audience reaction that was “much more lively than we were used to.”

Author’s note: An article very much of its time. It was in hindsight a rather prurient look at Ulrika who appeared to have slept with almost everyone in the UK. In its defence it did also have a go at Angus Deyton, too

The population of the UK remains cowering in its houses as the mystery slapper continues to strike at random members of the population. Reports continue to flood in of seemingly random sexual liaisons from the woman, known only as “Ulrika”, which leave the victims with their lives ruined and coverage as a wronged victim in “Hello!” magazine their only chance of making a living.

“No one appears safe from this woman,” explained Detective Inspector Derek Gadd, head of the Metropolitan Police’s Serious Slappers Unit. “Everyday we see yet another innocent person struck down by a deadly accusation or incriminating photo.”

The Brains Trust spoke to Chris Jones, a pipe fitter from Brentford, about his experience. “I didn’t know what hit me” he explained. “One minute I was on an emergency call-out to try and fix a washing machine, the next I was chained in her “love-dungeon” and indulging in a form of oral sex that I had previously believed impossible whilst being beaten with birch twigs. I don’t know what came over me. The wife and I are normally happy with it a once a week on a Friday.”

The police admit that they are baffled by the random strikes on innocent members of the public. “The victims appear to have no relationship to each other. They are of differing race, age, social status, even gender. We have no idea whether she gains some sort of perverse gratification from these foul deeds. Although, if she wants to get in touch with me directly, I’m sure we can get to the bottom of it,” continued Detective Gadd, rather too eagerly.

The police though are concerned that the intense news coverage has started to generate “copycat fornicators”. Another operator, known only as “Angus”, has also started to claim several victims. “This man seems to operate in a similar fashion, picking his victims at random and then committing some sort of outrageous drug fuelled orgiastic ritual often with several victims at once. I don’t know how he gets away with it. It’s a bloody disgrace, that’s what it is” claimed Detective Gadd, by now appearing a little tetchy

Detective Gadd finished with an urgent message to the perpetrators.  “We would appeal to them to come forward and give themselves up to the authorities. Their current method of communication of sending cryptic message via discreet newspaper articles is frustrating and leaves us unable to help them cure this addiction. Alternatively, if they do want personal help we have an emergency Tara Palmer-Tomkinson on standby ready for action”

Author’s note: As I write this during the Covid exam debacle, this seems rather timely. It was the first attempt to increase university attendance, mainly by lowering the standards of A levels and particularly by abandoning the normalisation of results. Which just left to massive grade inflation. Not that I’m bitter at all, oh dear me know

The entire system of A-Level examinations resigned today, declaring that they were a “bit rubbish” and “not really up to the job of trying to evaluate a child’s ability”.

The announcement was welcomed by new Education Minister, Charles Clarke, who claimed it endorsed the Governments policy of “disowning everything that was unpopular with the public.” Mr. Clarke went onto explain that the Government now recognised that the resignation of the A-Levels showed that the “brand had fallen into disrepute” and endorsed his decision to appoint media advisors Fuckwittery and Kant to completely overhaul the A-Level Brand Management Strategy. After “several days intensive study, a large number of executive strategy lunches and a couple of million pounds” the study has recommended an entire brand re-launch of the “wholly new, wholly untainted Level-A exams.”

Mr. Clarke then went on to explain how the new Level-A’s will differ from current exams. “Part of the ongoing problem with A-Level’s is that they concentrate on the outdated notions of intelligence and achievement. New Labour long ago discarded such reactionary ideas and has concentrated on activity and marketing rather than delivery or accomplishment. This is exactly the strategy that we will deliver with Level A’s. These new “assessments” will be a reflection of effort rather than ability, they shall reflect a can-do attitude rather than saying “look at me, aren’t I clever? I can pass exams”

Mr. Clarke continued “The new Level A’s will not be ‘exams’ as such but rather a multi-faceted examination of a pupil’s ability to attend school, spell their name correctly and sit through a 40 minute lesson without belching, masturbating or assaulting the teacher. At the end of each lesson, the pupil will hand over their ‘Level-A Loyalty Card’ and will be awarded Level-A points. These will rapidly mount up and can be redeemed against a selection of chosen Level-A subjects or other valuable gifts or vouchers.”

Mr. Clarke then handed over to Rupert Murdoch whose company will be running the new Level-A accreditation scheme. Mr. Murdoch explained how the new Level-A’s would not be constrained by the traditional routes to educational attainment, such as attending classes or lectures but would be offering new channels to market. “This will be a People’s accreditation,” he claimed. “For example, we shall be launching a new Level-A Lotto. If the examinee selects 5 correct numbers, they can claim an effort free Level-A or if they get 6 numbers they can claim 3 effort free Level-A’s. Of course, we shall also be offering a dispute service so that if the wrong numbers are selected, the participant can go to arbitration.”

Mr. Murdoch also held up the latest issue of the Sun which was launching its “Great Level-A Give-away” promising each reader a Level-A if they collected only 4 tokens. Subjects included “Why Thatcher was right”, “Immigrants and their skiving ways to claim hard-earned taxpayers money” and “Jordan’s tits: are they the business, or what?”

Mr. Clarke concluded by explaining that the Government would also be launching a Gold Standard Premium Service, which would involve the candidate sitting through a rigorous selection process, “Although we may also look into a similar plan for people who don’t wish to become a Labour MP”

Author’s note: My scant knowledge of sports was once again put to good use

Following his recent suspension and record fine by the FA, Roy Keane has announced that he is to retire from football to pursue a legal career.

Mr. Keane made the announcement standing on the steps of the Old Bailey clutching a stack of Lloyds law reports and clutching a copy of Briggs GCSE Law Primer. As he adjusted his barrister’s wig he explained that he was “going to show these legal poofters the real meaning of a strong defence.” Mr. Keane went onto explain that after years of mastering the tactics of attack and defence on the football field he was now ready to take those same skills into the courtroom. “It seemed like a good time to familiarise myself with the courts and the legal system,” he mused. “Especially as after my biography was published it looked like I was going to be spending a lot of time here, anyway.”

Mr. Keane went on to introduce his first case, the defence of Mr. Chris Jones recently accused of aggravated burglary. “My boy has previously shown excellent form and I’m delighted that I’ve been able to persuade him to transfer from his previous barristers. I shall be bringing an aggressive attacking style to my defence and am confident that I can get the opposition on the back foot from the start.

However, Mr. Keane has employed an unorthodox style that has not been without incident. During the defendant’s cross-examination by the prosecution he continually interrupted the proceedings to shout advice from his “dug-out”, as he insisted on referring to his bench. This took the form of encouragement to the defendant and included “Get further back. They can see right through your fucking defensive wall. Go left you fucking idiot. Fuck me, a blind man could have seen that fucking question coming. Don’t tell him you were at the scene-of-the-crime you fucking wally.”

When the judge, who Mr Keane insisted on referring to as “your honour the ref”, attempted to intervene he was also subject to wry observations from Mr Keane. “What do you mean ‘objection sustained’ you wig-wearing wanker? That question was never out of order You couldn’t keep control of children’s tea party, you geriatric cunt”

During his cross-examination of a prosecution witness, Mr Keane also had to be physically restrained from continually diving to the floor and shouting “Foul!” whenever the prosecution objected. He was also seen to repeatedly approach the witness and elbow him in the face, claiming that the man had “walked into his arm.” However, on managing to get the prosecution to admit that they had made a mistake in the timing of the alleged event. Mr Keane leapt up onto the bench, hugged the defendant, yelled “Goooooaaaaaaallllll!!” and then turned to the prosecution, adding “Your not singing any more! You’re shit and you know you are”

After the trial, Mr Keane explained that he felt it had been a game of two halves and a closely fought contest where his team had exhibited a free-flowing attacking style. He also felt that they had been unlucky to come away nursing a narrow defeat with his defendant being found guilty on all charges and receiving a 30 year sentence.

Mr Keane concluded that he was generally happy with his first performance adding that at least it would show people that “after my book I really can string a sentence together.”