Author’s note: This was a very dark take on the Bali Bombings

The world breathed a sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that “few, possibly no” US citizens were affected by the bombing atrocity on the isle of Bali. After initial concerns that this was a major international outrage, the US is now standing down after confirming that the vast majority of casualties were not American

Brigadier-General Budi Setiawan, Bali’s Police Chief, was the first to report the good news. “Although many of the dead and injured bore a superficial similarity to many US citizens, in that they were fair skinned and spoke English, I can assure the USA that they were principally Australians and therefore unlikely to be of any interest in the war against terrorism.

As the glad tidings were confirmed over several hours, US news agencies gradually dropped their reporting of the events and returned to coverage of the sniper that has killed 8 “innocent, hard-working US citizens.” ABC News broke the latest theory that the sniper was likely to be an Al Qaeda operative “or possibly Saddam Hussein himself, probably on some sort of hunting vacation”.

The Indonesian authorities also rushed to reassure the rest of the world that they are not a terrorist state and do not harbour anti-US terrorist groups. “Our terrorists have clearly targeted other nationalities and as such this should be of no consequence to our American partners,” claimed Indonesian Premier Megawati Sukarnoputri. “I can assure the USA that there is no need to assist our fight against terrorism by launching a full scale aerial bombing assault or deploying tactical nuclear weapons. In fact we’d be pretty grateful if they just left us alone.”

However, the US, mindful of its clear international obligations to protect its citizens when abroad, has offered support to the Indonesians by supplying intelligence and investigative support. “We have been using the same state-of-the-art techniques to track down these evildoers as we have used to track down Osama Bin Laden and his kin,” explained President George Bush. “From our initial examination we can say categorically that this bore all the hallmarks of an Al Qaeda operation. It was carried out by evil people, it involved a bomb and it resulted in the deaths of many innocent civilians, albeit not American ones. What further proof do you need? This is clearly the work of Al Qaeda and their main sponsor Saddam and further reinforces the immediate need to remove this evil despot.”

Mr Bush also declared the US’ determination not to be distracted from the war on terrorism by diluting its efforts away from the pursuit of Iraq. “People may question why we do not root out terrorists in other countries. For example, over 1000 people were massacred last month when hiding in a hospital in Bunia in eastern Congo. But that misses the point – militiamen, not terrorists, butchered these people and anyway none of them were American. You must also remember that all terrorism in the world is clearly sponsored by Saddam and until he is removed world peace can never be established. And anyone who doesn’t believe me can just look at these 15 Government commissioned reports which tell me it is”

End

UK was also able to downplay the significance. “We must not forget that far more US and UK citizens were killed by the events of 9-11 and that the US still feels humiliated by it’s inability to capture any significant Al Qaeda operatives or that it left Saddam in charge. As such, this links the terrorism and Iraqui parts

We must not be distracted from our determination to remove Saddam by minor events that do not involve US citizens in Indonesia, Congo, Ivory Coast, Rwanda. Our task must be to create a Hollywood style villain and single-mindedly pursue him. Distractions of this type will confuse our simple to understand media strategy.

Author’s note: There is something about politicians throughout the ages – they all appear to be sex-mad narcissists. Male or female, left or right, all ethnicities. They are all at it and then stepping out for a bracing bout of self promotion. Edwina Currie launched a book in which she “reluctantly” revealed her affair with John Major.

The Brains Trust can reveal today that through judicious use of its readers’ money it has managed to obtain an advance copy of Edwina Currie’s searing political revelations as well a copy of Ms. Currie’s diary for the coming weeks. Curiously, many of the entries in the diary appear to have been already completed.

Ms. Currie’s book has already received much advance publicity after an interview in which she revealed that she had conducted a long affair with John Major. Ms. Currie has explained that she felt obliged to tell of the affair as it was in the best interests of “the nation, John Major, Norma Major, my ex-husband and absolutely nothing to do with trying to flog a few extra copies of my book”

However, the Brains Trust, can reveal that the Major affair is but one of many shock revelations to come. Her diary makes clear that Ms. Currie is racked with guilt over each admission and plans to confess all to an expectant public in the coming weeks. Here are some extracts:

October 10th: Blenheim Palace Bookfair. Tearfully confess to public that I am Winston Churchill’s love child. If only his surviving relatives had kept the birth certificates or the photo’s of me sitting happily on Daddy’s knee, there would be no doubt. But they were all destroyed on his death. I know that the nation will forgive him and I will make sure that I appear on national television reading the relevant passages from my book to show them that despite his drinking & abandonment of me, he was a good man and I loved him.

October 12th. Westminister Book Launch. I do not care about my book anymore. I wish I had never written the 400 page bestseller. Or the second volume covering the giddy heights of my career from 1992 onwards. If only I was not a slave to the truth, I would not be forced to reveal my torrid three-in-a-bed romps with Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Meacher. I was only trying to bring our two parties closer together. If only I hadn’t let Charles Kennedy take those photos we could have kept the whole thing hushed up. Still, I feel purged by including the details of the affair in chapters 3 to 7 of the sequel.

October 20th. Publishers International Launch. I suppose the world will condemn me for not speaking out about the affair with Bill Clinton sooner and letting poor Monica take the blame. I am amazed that no one recognised the blue dress.

October 25th. Windsor Conservative Association. My publishers have spoken. They have forced me to write a 600 page prequel and insist that I include lurid details of my affair with the Queen Mother. I was only trying to make an old lady happy. She found it hard to resist my vivacious body and innate wit and compassion. I loved her very deeply and was shocked when her family rejected me by not inviting me to the funeral.

October 29th. Whitehall Private Book Signing. Am forced to confront Tony and force him to choose between Cherie and me. No, hang on a sec. No one’s going to believe that.

Author’s note: The music industry has always been spectacularly club-footed when it comes to new technology and particularly music sharing. Their attempt to stop illegal downloads by offering a day of free downloads really worked well.

The music industry’s decision to launch a day of free music downloads met with spectacular success today after every group associated with music piracy agreed to give up their illegal activities immediately.

“It seemed pointless to go on,” explained Helmut Mechmech, spokesman for the KaZaA network of file sharing. “How can we be expected to compete against this kind of strategy? True we may have over 3 million users logged on at any one time sharing 3.5 million gigabytes of pirated material but how can that compare with a whole 24 hours to legally download as many Celene Dion tracks as you like? It’s just not fair”

Brad Barlett of rival network Morpheus agreed. “These guys really caught us on the hop. There we were getting ready to launch Morpheus version 3.0 with improved downloading times and easier searching when suddenly we’re faced with this” he sobbed. “What the Hell am I going to tell all my developers. Those guys have sweated night and day to get this software working. And what about the advertisers? There’s no way they could expect to make a bean after the music industry have done this”

However, Hilary Rosen of the Recording Industry Association Of America (RIAA) explained she had no sympathy with the pirates. “If these guys seriously thought that we were just going to stand back and let millions of people listen to music without paying for it, they were seriously mistaken. The fact that that is exactly what we’ve done up to now was just a ploy to give us time while we prepared this killer blow to piracy. Combating free music downloads by giving people free music downloads has proved that we have the moral high ground and that these pirates are thieves who can never prosper. And our extensive advertising campaign in the US has also shown these guys who’s going to win this war!”

This was confirmed by Sven Swetland chief technology officer for Grokster “I was chastened by the advertisements in the US,” he explained. “Seeing Britney Spears comparing copying a file to bursting into a music store with a gun and spraying the customers with bullets before filling up a truck with CDs and setting fire to the store – that was a real powerful image. I now truly believe that what we do is a sin and we deserve to be punished for it. In fact, I am just gathering up my collection of 346 CD’s with convenient to store and manage MP3’s on them and taking myself to the police station. I’m demanding a custodial sentence at the very least. Anyway, I’m hoping that by administering this corrective action I may still be in with a chance of a screw with Britney.”

Author’s note: I think this was probably written in response to a bizarre story about Bill Clinton, who spoke at the Labour Party Conference. He then popped up, with Kevin Spacey, at a Newcastle McDonalds.

Following the increased number of sightings of Bill Clinton around the UK, the authorities have confirmed that they no longer believe these are mass hallucinations but must accept that Clinton is present in these shores and have put the country on a state of high alert.

“We must accept that these sightings are not just figments of people’s over active imagination” explained Metropolitan Police Commissioner Derek Gadd. “For years now the popularity of shows like the X-Files and Rosswell have led to a huge number of hoax or mistaken calls by people who thought they had seen a former US President lurking in their back garden or hovering in a mysterious manner above their local chip shop. However, we always knew the day would come when this may turn out to be real and they would try to seek contact with citizens of the UK.”

The first sightings of Bill Clinton were reported in Newcastle at a local burger restaurant. He was said to be accompanied by several other-worldly beings and the staff were uncertain it was him until he spoke, ordering “15 Big Mac’s, a bucket of Chicken Nuggets and 3 pints of diet Coke. And what are you guys having?” Mr Clinton then appeared at a mass gathering of worshippers and believers in a conference hall in Blackpool. “We were all standing there with our hands joined in prayer, pleading with him to show himself,” claimed devotee Robert Khan. “And then suddenly he was there amongst us, moving about the crowd in a mysterious way.”

There are now huge numbers of people who have seen the former President in the British Isles. He has reportedly been witnessed opening a Kwik-Save supermarket in Gloucester, manning a stand at a car-boot sale near Ayelsbury (although he explained to passers by that he was “just looking after it for a second while his mate Kevin nipped out to the loo”) and attending a conference on Globalisation and Third World Debt with several world leaders in the City of London.

“There is no telling how he got in to the country,” continued Gadd. “The problem now is trying to track him down. He can blend in anywhere, frequently travelling alone, making do with the most frugal of provisions. Then before you know it he’s popped up out of the woodwork again and he’s making a nuisance of himself performing a public ceremony or telling a string of amusing anecdotes.”

Mr. Gadd went on to explain that the worst might be yet to come. “Our evidence is that these guys like to travel in packs. I’m sure that even as we speak Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and George Bush Snr may be lurking by the entrance to the channel tunnel or trying to sneak in at Heathrow. God knows what we’ll do with them all.”

However McDonalds have already come up with a novel solution by offering to replace Ronald McDonald with Bill Clinton as their mascot. “It seems the most logical solution,” said company spokesman Chris Jones. “After all we’d simply be replacing one burger munching, red-faced clown with another”

Author’s note: The US was becoming increasingly annoyed that the UN would not agree to military action against Iraq, so the solution seemed pretty clear. I never finished the article, but here’s the gist of it

George Bush has announced that the US has declared the United Nations a rogue state and has initiated a “merciless campaign” against it until it capitulates to the will of democracy, freedom and the rule of law by recognising the rights of the United States to do what the Hell it likes.

As F-14 fighters strafed the United Nations headquarters in New York, a startled Kofi Annan explained to a hastily assembled press conference was that he had received a short communiqué from President Bush. The missive explained that US military intelligence had discovered that the so-called United Nations contained several members from known terrorist states including Iraq, Iran and Libya. Furthermore, it had come to its attention that even the UN Security Council was full of pinkos, commies and subversives who seemed highly unlikely to ever agree with the US on any matters of vital national security. This, the note went on, explained an awful lot about the UN’s stance on weapons inspections, pre-emptive anti-terrorist action and population control. As such, the US was left with no choice but to commence the immediate invasion and submission of the “evil and warlike” UN.

The press conference was then dispersed as several garrisons of Marines invaded the hall and announced the immediate internment of anyone with “funny sounding names.”

Author’s note: A Labour party conference and Ken Livingstone (who had been thrown out for not being New Labour and standing against the hopeless candidate Frank Dobson. Irresistible.

Ken Livingstone has taken the opportunity on his visit to Blackpool to announce his new transport policy for “the whole of the UK” explaining that as “London was the most important part of it, you might as well give me control of the whole bloody lot.”

Mr Livingstone, who had been attending the Labour Party conference in Blackpool so that he could “climb up the Tower and show those Party fuckers my arse”, explained that the new transport policy was the work of several hours intensive review, a number of tequila slammers and at least 2 grams of cocaine. He then went on to present the outline of the policy to the assembled throng of media personalities, union officials and journalists banned from the conference bars.

“Everyone knows that the main problem with transport in this country is that trains don’t run where you want them to at the time you want them to,” Mr Livingstone explained whilst trying to read the label of a bottle of Lytton Springs ’95. “So we shall be replacing the trains with a system of door to door taxis. They shall be based around a central communications hub in the Cricklewood region of London, currently known as Mike’s A1 Mini-Cabs, which coincidentally happens to be next door to my house. These taxis will run along the railway lines currently used by the overcrowded and unreliable trains and can be hailed from anywhere, rather than having to be boarded at stations as previously. The only exception to this will be if “high-priority” taxis are en-route, such as those carrying a London Mayor on his official duty, in which case the general public can bog-off. In addition, stations, which will now be known as coach houses, will be redesigned and outsourced to Marco Pierre White and Gordon Ramsay and will be available for use by hungry or thirsty high-priority taxi users, such as the London Mayor. This brilliant scheme will ensure the immediate upgrading of outdated rolling stock with a fleet of Mondeos and Nissan Sunnys and at a stroke will remove the risk of VIP passengers on journeys of national importance getting held up at the Watford bypass and thereby missing the best canapés.”

As Mr. Livingstone finally managed to uncork the bottle of wine he was holding using a coat hanger, a penknife and a small revolver that he carried to “ensure his personal security”, he went on to outline further transport initiatives. “It seems to me,” he said, waving his revolver uncertainly around and fixing his eye on an Evening Standard journalist at the back of the crowd, “that we could reduce traffic congestion considerably by discouraging cars from the roads and encouraging the use of buses. As such, I will be introducing a system of road tolls requiring motorists to pay £1000 per use of road. Furthermore, I shall be introducing the death penalty for anyone who doesn’t use a bus at least 3 times a day. Such as you fuck-face!” he yelled before loosing off several shots in the direction of the Standard journalist.

As the press conference rapidly dissolved with Mr. Livingstone continuing to fire randomly into the crowd shouting “Keep death off the roads! Vote Ken Livingstone or die!” it was announced that the 11:10PM from Blackpool to London had been delayed.

Author’s note: I’ve always had a soft spot for Jeffery Archer, he’s always seemed a rather amusing and generous person who has managed to drag himself back up from various scandals. I’ve even met him once and he was charming. Anyway, he was sent to jail for lying and I thought I would have a bit of fun.

In this issue, the Brains Trust begins its hard-hitting serialisation of Jeffery Archer’s explosive Prison Diaries. In these testaments to the sordid underbelly of life as a lag in British prisons, Archer turns his gimlet eye to expose the over-crowding, deprivation and brutality that are everyday life for the convicts banged up in jail. The shocking treatment of those on the wrong side of the tracks is revealed by Britain’s top investigative writer. We warn our readers that they may find some parts of these uncensored passages upsetting.

From the start Archer reveals the loneliness and solitude as well as the appalling food in North Sea Camp Prison:

“Monday. Luncheon with Ken Livingstone, Andy Trotter, Metropolitan Police Deputy Assistant Commissioner, and the Prison Governor. Discussed crime policy and the affect of licensing laws in London. Disappointed that Peter Stringfellow had been barred from the refectory for refusing to remove his rings which wardens claimed could have been used as a knuckle-duster. These chaps really are the limit. Found hair in my Terrine au Foie Gras avec Calvados. Shocking. You’d thing Albert Roux would keep a closer eye on this sort of thing.”

The overcrowding of cells is also revealed by Archers pitiless glare:

“Wednesday AM. Joined in suite today by new chap who will be using third bedroom. Jardine Fortesque. Ghastly, gauche old Harrovian clearly born on the wrong side of the stable door. Apparently convicted of spending his company’s pension fund on roulette and attempting to exhaust two identical eighteen-year old Swedish twins. We are now forced to share my private dining room and en-suite bathroom as he managed to bung up his lavatory during a routine search for drugs.”

Bullying and intimidation are never far away in the repressive atmosphere of fear that permeates every part of the prison.

“Wednesday PM. Dropped my tennis racket on way out to local members club to knock a few balls around with Jonathan Aitken. Nice chap, but he does insist on starting each set with a prayer and hug which rather puts one off. Anyway, the warder refused to pick the racket up for me. Had to remind him who I was and issue a sharp rebuke. Honestly!”

In the final, most thrilling passage he details how he single handedly thwarted a daring prison breakout.

“Friday. Had arranged trip out for all of my wing for a spot of culture. Everyone very enthusiastic. Insisted on packing a lot more clothes than I would have thought necessary for a visit to the theatre. Unfortunately, everyone dropped out with tummy upsets shortly after I revealed we were off to see the Lincoln Players production of my play ‘The Accused'”

Author’s note: One of our most popular articles! Michael Barrymore had a spectacular fall from grace with an unfortunate chap dying at what appeared to be a gay party (he was “happily married”) at his house. Simultaneously, the UK had published the most ridiculous dossier which claimed Saddam definitely had weapons of mass destruction and could probably get nuclear weapons, which I imagine must be terribly easy to find on eBay.

Michael Barrymore, beleaguered television personality and “most hated man in Britain” could have nuclear weapons “within months, possibly weeks” a shock new report has claimed.

The report, by the independent think tank “Pinko Commie Liberals Must Die”, provides a detailed point by point analysis of the threat posed by Barrymore to world peace. The report claims “definite probable evidence” of his stockpiling of materials necessary to produce chemical, biological and other weapons of mass destruction. In one of its most chilling sections, the report shows how Barrymore could have his hands a nuclear weapons within a frighteningly short period of time. “If Barrymore could lay his hands on a substantial amount of fissile material, assemble a team of physicists and engineers with a detailed understanding of how to construct a nuclear weapon and obtain a long-range missile to deliver the payload there is nowhere in the world that would be safe. His swimming pool could almost certainly be disguising some sort of secret weapons lab and we believe his presidential palace in Essex would be an ideal location in which to secrete weapons of mass destruction”

The report has been immediately welcomed by the Government as evidence that their continued campaign against Barrymore is justified. “Although we always urge caution before wading in and launching all out annihilation of our suspected enemies, in the case of Barrymore we are prepared to make an exception,” claimed Foreign Secretary Jack Straw. “This man’s blatant abuses against decent family television and his continued pledges to desist from the pursuit of poor quality programmes and turn his endeavours to the production of excellent light entertainment have all come to naught. He has laughed in the face of all right thinking people and he must now be taught a lesson. I am ordering the immediate despatch of all available troops to Essex to lay siege to this despot’s regime”

The British Press has supported the campaign against Barrymore and several papers have also highlighted his bizarre lifestyle. The Daily Mail’s article “Sodomite Barrymore’s Palace of Sin”, detailed Barrymore’s taste for the depraved and the exotic as well as his “blatant unabashed homosexuality. His local postman and close confidante, Kevin Penge, explains in the article how Barrymore enjoys watching video’s of “small furry animals being tortured. He also eats a lot of chocolate – much more than any normal person. And did I mention he’s a poofter, too?”

However, a number of campaigners including Les Dennis and George Galloway have sprung to Mr. Barrymore’s defence. “The man is a harmless narcissist who lives in a fantasy world” claimed Mr. Galloway. “The fact that he could stand up in a coroners enquiry and lie through his teeth should not be held against him. There must surely be very few people in the world who haven’t done such a thing once or twice.”

Mr Barrymore was unavailable for comment and was said to be viewing properties in Iraq.

Author’s note: I was on holiday when this issue was due out and I think this was my only contribution. The US were making increasingly impossible demands to Iraq in order to ensure that they could invade them when they didn’t meet them. I was also vaguely obsessed with the enormous glasses worn by Saddam’s (Christian) number 2. I think this was completed by Robert, but I don’t have the final draft, except I remember that one of the demands was a “set of goats should be taught Scottish dancing to a professional standard”

The US has stepped up its war of words against Iraq by issuing a further set of over 60 demands that must be “immediately complied with” including “the removal of Saddam Hussein’s moustache, the replacement of Tariq Aziz’s glasses with something more stylish and the opening of a McDonald’s restaurant in the Ike Abbasid Palace.”

The US denied that the new demands were unreasonable and designed to humiliate the Iraqis. “It is completely untrue to suggest that we are a nation of warmongers desperately spoiling for a fight,” claimed President Bush. “I can assure you that we have very little intention of fighting in the conventional sense of the word. Instead, we are planning on carpet bombing Iraq for several months before any US servicemen move into it and start any actual fighting. These new demands are vital to ensure that Iraq has moved away from its role as sponsor of terrorism and is prepared to meet its international commitments. It is clear that their offer to let in UN weapon’s inspectors is simply a trick and this will show whether they are truly committed to peace or not.”

The US move has been rejected by other members of the UN Security Council with the exception of the UK, which has also suggested adding “Saddam Hussein must only be allowed to make a television address to his country if wearing his underpants on his head”

Author’s note: My late wife Judith was obsessed with fashion and so I learnt something about it too, which I used in this article. As can be seen nowadays with Instagram influencers and the like, never let a good crisis go to waste – they are all fantastic marketing opportunities.

The fashion industry has declared September the 11th an official day of mourning for all its workers and called the atrocities that day “the most despicable act that the fashion world has ever seen”.

Speaking on behalf of the industry Karl Lagerfield, wearing extra large sunglasses to “hide the tears of sorrow that well up in my soul”, explained that the destruction of the Twin Towers had particular poignance for himself and fellow fashionistas. “The memory of all those people fleeing from the stricken buildings,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “In their terror they could give barely a thought to their dust covered clothes or their hastily applied make-up. And the sight of people plunging from the skyscrapers in such badly cut suits has seared into my memory. I vowed on that day to ensure that the world must understand that the double breasted suit is no longer acceptable for taller men. Terrorism or no terrorism, it is my duty to spread the gospel of properly tailored jackets and stylishly cut trousers.”

Mr. Lagerfield went on to confirm the measures the fashion industry would be take to mark the disaster. “For the winter season black will be the new black, as opposed to the purple or pink widely expected. We shall also be creating a selection of ready to wear “pre-distressed” outfits, complete with a thick layer of dust and small pieces of debris tastefully arranged. Philip Treacey has created a new range of hats including the “shattered pentagon” a five sided boater with one of the sides crushed and the “twin tower topper” – a top hat of exquisite subtlety that is twice as tall as any other hat but which collapses if a plane passes overhead. Stella McCartney has also decided to move on from her “slapper-chic” movement to embrace a range of “heroic” outfits. Dresses based on the uniforms of the fire service, police officers and medical workers will soon be displayed on the mannequins of Paris, London and New York in appropriate recognition of these everyday heroes of America.”

Other members of the fashion industry are also doing their part to commemorate the events. Calvin Klein is launching a new fragrance “Nine One One” which will evoke memories of that fateful day. “The fragrance is designed for today’s independent woman who wishes to assuage her feelings of guilt, but recognises the need to move on and get on with her life,” said Laura La Lillet, spokesperson for the company. “The fragrance evokes scents of sandelwood and gardenia with lower notes of diesel and burning hair. We are sure that the single girl will find a man’s passion and sensitivity fired up on inhaling this intoxicating mixture. It says to him ‘Hey! I care, but I can control my emotions. I’m in charge of my life.”

Other prominent figures in the fashion industry have also been explaining the affect 9-11 has had on them. Kate Moss has confirmed that she didn’t eat for over a week after the tragedy although explaining that “it’s not that unusual really.” She did however “smoke a lot more cigarettes and didn’t attend a single party for a full seven days”.

Mr Lagerfield concluded by saying that he felt this “showed the fashion industry had a soul and was not just a set of self obsessed media junkies who designed clothes that only a blind scarecrow would wear. Just look at this shredded worsted blue suit with light bloodstaining and individually sewn on rubble I’m wearing and tell me it doesn’t make you want to take me more seriously.”