Author’s note: It was the anniversary of 9/11 and it was becoming increasingly clear that the US would honour the dead by invading a country that had nothing to do with it.

President George Bush made a state of the union address today commemorating the “honest American lives lost in on 9-11” and launching a set of worldwide memorials to honour their names and celebrate “the American ideals for which they died: Peace and Freedom”

“America is a peace loving nation and I feel it appropriate to mark the passing of 9-11 by seeking out those who oppose peace and obliterating them,” explained the President. “We shall celebrate the lives of our peace loving citizens so callously cut down on 9-11 by launching full scale total invasion of Iraq. We shall be starting the invasion by simultaneously launching 1500 long range missiles into the heart of Iraq. By using the latest technology we will be able to carve out the words “Remember the Glorious Dead” in letters one mile wide across the centre of Baghdad. This fitting tribute to the US victims will be one of only two man made monuments visible from space. At least, it will be unless China gets any funny ideas about retaliation or condemnation. Should they wish to engage in such petty gestures, I simply remind my Asian friends that we have plenty of other missiles that we can ‘redeploy’ in the direction of the Great Wall at the twist of a dial.”

Mr Bush however explained that the US would not embark on a reckless adventure and was aware that casualties would be inevitable. ” Of course there will be casualties, but our strategists predict that these will mainly be Iraqi citizens and we believe that these are acceptable losses. We are sure that most right thinking Iraqis would gladly lay down their lives to support the American ideals of peace and freedom. And although we mourn all who die in war, we feel that the world should remember that Iraqis have cravenly allowed this madman Saddam to rule over them without a hint of dissent. Even after we gave them every opportunity to rise up after the Gulf war and offered them the warmest words of encouragement they simply fell over at the merest whiff of poison gas.”

Mr. Bush went on to celebrate the triumph of Freedom by launching a new set of “Freedom Laws”. “These will be a set of new statutes and minor amendments to the constitution that will further reinforce the rights of the majority to live in peace and prosperity in this country,” he explained. “By removing the unnecessary red tape that forbids terrorist suspects being held without trial we can ensure that these evildoers can be removed from our streets and held indefinitely in military establishments. Only when they have seen sense and agreed to confess their terrorist ways can they be released to the justice system and have their trials shown under the public spotlight on television. It is by sensible measures like this that the US managed to triumph over Communism and its repression, restrictions on rights and inhumane show trials.”

“To further show our support for freedom we shall continue to resist the undemocratic and unelected International Criminal Court. This evil body with it pathetic support from a mere 99% of countries around the world must be stopped. Its mandate to seek out and try war criminal using internationally agreed legislation regardless of whether these people are American or not is a disgrace. Not until it is accepted by the world that every American citizen is incapable of committing a war crime and that massacres could never occur under the US military will we accept this kangaroo court’s jurisdiction”
As Mr. Bush completed his address he asked his fellow Americans to join with him in a short prayer of condemnation of religious fanatics who pervert the words of their faith to justify their acts of oppression. “Dear Lord, we ask that you allow us to prevail over those who oppose us and our land of peace. You have shown us, Lord, that you favour us above all others, for everyday I look down at our sacred dollar, see the words ‘In God we Trust’ and know that our country has been truly blessed. Amen”

US commemorates 9-11 with “peace and freedom”

However, in addition to @@@ we shall also seek to support our friends who lioke us crave only peace. Israel shall be supported in its quest to root out Palestinaian terrorism by providing them with special @@@. We shall also support our other allies in the war on terrorism – Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Uzbekistan

Anyway, we are confident that all right thinking democrats would gladly give up their lives to support the America ideals of peace and freedom.
simultaneously launching 1500 long range missiles into the heart of Iraq.

until we launch our next remembrance ceremony in China, where we will use state of the art seismic technology to cause a massive earthquake reducing the Great Wall to a contextual art statement representing the rubble from the Twin Towers. Finally, we shall celebrate the triumph of peace over wickedness by reuniting the people of South and North Korea by blasting a series of 5000 megaton bombs over the airspace of the North, thereby forcing all it’s people to flee to the South if they want to survive”

Invade Iraq as a fitting commemoration of those whose lives were so brutally cut down on 9-11
Of course there will be casualties but we are assuming those will mainly be Iraquis who have so cravenly allowed the brutal dictator Saddam to rule over them without a hint of dissent. Even after we gave them every opportunity to rise up after the Gulf war and offered thenm the bwarmest words of encouragement they allowed themselves to continue to be ruled by this madman.
All right thinking demoicrats would gladly give up their lives to support the just American causes of freedom and justice
As a fitting memorial to all the dead not just plucky locals but the true democratic hroes of the USA we shall carve out th “Our Glorious Dead”

Freedom

Author’s note: I think I wrote a similar article about the Lib Dems, but it turns out that most of their front bench were gay. And what a golden opportunity to muddle cabinets and closets

The whole Conservative front bench team announced today that they were “throwing off the shackles of repression” and admitting that they were “proudly, rampantly and actively homosexual”

The announcement follows on from Alan Duncan’s public statement admitting that he was gay. The announcement was well received by the public and Tory strategists noted a small rise in the Conservatives’ ratings. Extrapolating this further, they calculated that if another 27 senior Tories were to make similar announcements, it would put them 5 points ahead of Labour in the polls.

However, Iain Duncan Smith has denied that the announcement was timed to gain political advantage. “The fact that 27 of us have simultaneously discovered our sexuality simply shows the new atmosphere of tolerance that exists in the Conservatives,” he explained sporting his recently shaven head and fulsome moustache and side-burns. “It is time that people understood that modern Conservatives are an inclusive party, respectful of minority views and eager to reach out to all members of society. We will not tolerate discrimination or stereotyping in our party any longer. The revelation of Alan Duncan as a toe-touching pillow biter has had a profound affect on his fellow members in the shadow cabinet. On realising that this mincing Nancy-boy was part of our top team, we all took time to re-examine or consciences as well as our majorities and admit that we too were gay.”

As the shadow cabinet then assembled for a photo call with Alan Duncan given a “special place on his own” on the other side of the car park, Michael Howard also denied charges of political opportunism. “Anyone who really knows me will not be at all surprised that I’m as bent as a nine-bob note. I mean bent in the gay sense, obviously,” he added hastily. “Not in the brown-envelope, money grubbing sleazy sense.” However, Teresa May confirmed that she was as surprised as anyone to find she was a lesbian. “It was a bit of a shock when Iain told me. Still, I know I’m just going to love all that lesbian stuff – or at least I will as soon as I find out what it is they get up to” she gushed.

There was some dissent from within the ranks, though, with David Davis claiming that he is a “real man” and that there were “100% red-blood cells running through my loins. Just ask anyone at the Women’s Institute in my constituency.” Supporters of Michael Portillo have also hit back claiming that “he got there first” and was “clearly far gayer than anyone else on the front bench.”

Iain Duncan Smith declared himself unconcerned by such mavericks. “When David finally realises his real self he will find a welcome home with his fellow gays in the shadow cabinet. In fact, we like to think of it as a closet nowadays.”

Author’s note: In one of the may crises of capitalism, a number of large companies had to admit they’d been telling whopping great lies about their revenues and “restate” their earnings. The US government had lurched from a surplus under Clinton to a massive deficit under Bush and seemed in a similar position. I think this headline came from my friend Jonathan Selby

There was embarrassment at the G8 conference in Canada today as the United States Government was forced to admit that after an internal review of its finances it was having to reissue the Government’s accounts. Apparently, the massive budget surplus promised at the time of the election now appears to be a deficit totalling several billion dollars.

The admission follows on the back of several corporate earnings scandals in the US including Enron and WorldCom. In making the announcement, Paul O’Neill, the US Treasury Secretary, was careful to explain that in this case there was no question of fraud and the problem arose from The President’s “legitimate and wholly sensible and proportionate desire” to give “every last Government dollar” back to the hard-working US taxpayer. “It breaks the President’s heart to see the downtrodden oil executive, the browbeaten steel-mill owner or the penniless farmer struggling on without Government subsidy,” explained Mr. O’Neill. “The President felt it was his duty to give this money back to the people who gave it to his Government in the first place.”

An analysis of the recipients of the subsidies is now being carried out and auditors are trying to see if any of the money is not needed and can be recovered. The President, George Bush, said it was a difficult task, however. “One farmer down in Florida told me how he had put the money to good use it supporting his vital Colombian agricultural concerns. He said that Colombian farmers faced unique difficulties and he had to spend huge amounts on artillery just to keep the ‘pests that attack his crops under control'”. Mr. Bush also said that the auditors were particularly keen to locate the three billion dollars given in subsidies to “pretzel farmers”. Mr Bush explained that he had personally agreed to hand the money over after “some professor he met at an Airport” explained the plight of these needy folk. “I wrote him out a cheque then and there” explained Mr. Bush. “You should have seen the look of joy and gratitude that lit up his face. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.” “Me too” confirmed Mr. O’Neill.

Standing in front of a large white board, Mr. Bush went onto explain how such a massive deficit could be overlooked. “It all comes down to complex statistical and mathematical formulae. According to the boffins in the Treasury the mistake comes from a misunderstanding over the use of two arcane symbols known as ‘plus’ and ‘minus’. It appears we’ve been using them inappropriately for some time now. It also has something to do with ‘red’ and ‘black’, but I’m afraid those guys lost me then.”

As the value of the Dollar on world markets plunged to below two Costa Rican bananas, President Bush urged people not to panic and assured his audience that “matters were completely in hand.” As “Government auditors” started to move around the crowd of G8 leaders and their advisors with collection plates, Mr Bush asked them to hand over any unwanted foreign currency, advising them to “please give generously, even the odd million can help. There’s plenty of needy Americans out there who need your support.”

Author’s note: Our good friend Ken Livingstone again. This time, God’s gift to the Brains Trust had a punch up at a party where someone was chatting up his partner and smoking. Cue an article about a literal fight for the election…

In a rowdy and ill-tempered press conference this morning, Ken Livingstone, the Mayor of London, announced that he was ready to take on all comers in the fight for the next mayoral election. Speaking from the new Mayoral Headquarters with its interior bearing a “wholly coincidental” similarity to the Groucho Club, Mr. Livingstone announced that he was looking forward to a “tough, gruelling and probably extremely bloody fight”

With the slogan “Come and have a go if you think your hard enough” Mr Livingstone claimed that he would be adopting an aggressive campaigning strategy that would, if necessary, involve all methods of persuasion including “extreme physical violence”. Mr. Livingstone was accompanied by his team of new US re-election consultants, who would be coaching him in effective people management skills. The lead advisor, Mr. Mike Tyson, confirmed that he was pleased with Mr. Livingstone’s progress and felt that the initial trials on an anti-smoking campaign had gone very well.

The campaign, which involves wrestling anyone holding a cigarette to the ground and then stamping violently on their head “for the good of their health”, was pioneered at a recent party attended by Mr. Livingstone. When questioned whether the policy hadn’t got a bit out of hand after a dissenter had been thrown off a 15 foot wall, Mr. Livingstone denied this and explained that in this case he was testing “a totally different health and safety policy.” He commented “I took this action after noticing the man had appeared to ascend the stairs without holding onto the banister and I hope that my prompt safety reminder will act as a lesson to him not to be so cavalier with his health again.”

Mr. Livingstone then went on to describe a key part of his campaign, demonstrating how Government spending cuts were strangling the city. The demonstration was made with the assistance of the Political Correspondent from the London Evening Standard and two well-aimed “death-chops” to his jugular, which represented “cutting off the lifeblood of our great Capital”. As Mr. Livingstone then delivered several blows to the stunned man’s testicles, he added that these showed how Government policies were hitting Londoner’s where it hurts the most.

Mr. Livingstone confirmed that he was expecting a gruelling campaign and his advisors had set up a rigorous dietary regime to ensure peak performance. The diet consisting solely of Chateaubriand with bernaise sauce washed down by Chateau Pissac ’95, would be particularly tough as “the ’95 is pretty near undrinkable and we’ve run out of the ’96”.

A part-time social worker and Liberal Democrat councillor Christine Jones then made an ill-advised attempt to dissuade Mr. Livingstone from his campaign strategy and offered him counselling, suggesting he “share his pain” with her. In response Mr. Livingstone punched her on the nose with the words “that should give you some fucking idea”

As the press conference then dissolved into a melee of vigorous campaigning including Trevor Philips shouting “did you just spill my pint” before glassing Michael Ward, Mr Livingstone declared himself happy with the start of the campaign, before excusing himself to go and meet some Florida electoral equipment suppliers.

Author’s note. Israel and Palestine continued to grind away at each other and the Palestinians managing to fight amongst themselves as well as everyone else, with great success in establishing their homeland. Youthanasia. Oh dear

The Palestinian leadership announced today that it would be stepping up its campaign of suicide attacks by configuring the entire state of Palestine as “one bloody great enormous bomb”. The plan is seen as a last ditch attempt by the Palestinians to bring peace and stability to the region, as well a quelling its own dissenters, by “utterly destroying them all, as well our Israeli neighbours”

The plan, which is expected to bring “a quite literal peace” to the area, comes on the heels of recent increased activity by suicide bombers within Israel. The bombers are believed to be fanatical followers of Hamas and other extremist movements. Their plan is to bring peace by either slaughtering or driving out all unbelievers in the area. A spokesman for Hamas commented “Look it seems like a good plan to us. What’s with all this nonsense about negotiating? As Ariel Sharon said, ‘negotiating, schmgotiating’. Just because the only thing the suicide campaign has achieved so far is give the Israelis an excuse to occupy our territory and slaughter our people is an incidental issue. I’m telling you, we’ve got them worried. It’s only a matter of time before we succeed,” he yelled, as an Israeli tank rolled over his house.

Khalid al-Tafesh, a senior figure in Hamas agreed. “Just you wait. The Israelis won’t know what’s hit them. We’ll lure them all in here – you know promise them a big party or something. Then the entire Palestinian population will detonate themselves in a single ginormous explosion. This will guarantee the immediate destruction of Israel and creation of a Palestinian homeland – although there won’t be anyone left to live in it, unfortunately. The plan is an absolute doozy. We can’t fail,” he finished, stepping aside to allow the next section of the 40 foot partition wall to be lowered into his garden.

Middle East watcher and sociologist, Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush, commented on the suicide plan, “Certainly the recent actions of the Palestinians can only be explained by a people with a death wish. Who would believe that anyone other than suicidal madmen would think that launching your citizens into the midst of a comprehensively armed, highly territorial country to wipe out large numbers of innocent civilians would be a good way to achieve independence or statehood?”

However, Ariel Sharon gave the plan a cautious welcome, explaining “Well you’ve got to admire their enthusiasm. We wiped them out in Lebanon and they came back. We flattened Gaza and they popped up again. Then they came up with this ridiculous peace process nonsense and now they’ve come up with another humdinger. Still, we agree with a large part of this Palestinian endeavour – namely the part where they kill themselves. Indeed we have been trying to help them out in this for the last few months. We have already started on the young men who are most likely to become suicide bombers. We have enacted a policy called ‘Youthanasia’ whereby we pre-emptively help them to commit suicide whether they’ve expressed a desire to or not. We’ve also adopted a streamlined, fast-track process for these individuals which doesn’t require them to sign a form of consent so that we can get on with helping to die in the most humane and timely manner. Well, timely anyway.”

Author’s note: New Labour was now in full cohabitation with cool Britannia, and the death of the Queen Mother and the large amount of pomp that would go with her funeral seemed a rather unwelcome intrusion of tradition.

The Government today “absolutely denied” that it had sought to influence in any way the organisation of the Queen Mother’s funeral. At a press conference this morning, the Prime Minister’s official spokesman was faced with a barrage of questions from reporters, which he met with the “official Government response” of putting his fingers in his ears and repeating the words “La. La. La. I can’t hear you,” very loudly.

However the Brains Trust has managed to obtain a leaked copy of a Government commissioned report by media advisors Fuckwittery & Kant. The report points out that a funeral typically focuses on the “negative aspects of someone’s life – namely their death” and suggests “a less death-centric approach” may help instil a feeling of wellbeing that the government could then capitalise upon.

The report makes a number of suggestions as to how the “rather dreary old-style funerary arrangements could be bought into the 21st Century.” Firstly, it suggests the modernisation of several traditional features. A new coffin would be designed by Damian Hirst, based on his infamous “body suspended in a glass tank of formaldehyde” installations. A new funeral march would be commissioned from Damon Albarn and Fatboy Slim and the Band of the Blues and Royals would be replaced by “two decks and a bangin’ PA system”. Finally, the solemn procession to Westminster Abbey would be replaced with a march reflecting all parts of Britain’s multi-cultural society. “Rather than feature depressed relatives casting a gloom upon the whole proceedings, why not have happy school children, laughing and clapping in a variety of colourful costumes carrying large papier-mâché effigies of the good old Queen Mum and her best mate Tony?” the report asked.

Within the service itself, it was felt that the Prime Minister should adopt a more prominent role than that currently envisaged. A specially constructed podium would allow the Prime Minister “several vital inches” of height over his political opponents. Spotlights would be positioned to reflect off Iain Duncan Smith’s head, bathing the Prime Minister’s “good side” in a warm and religious light. In order that Mr. Blair should not be overshadowed by the “rather frumpy” Queen, he would be fitted out in a special “Kingly Style” outfit complete with a “discreet, tasteful and yet rather sparkly Crown”

It was also important that the Prime Minister should make a speech during the service celebrating the excellent achievements of the Government during the life of the Queen Mother. The speech, which would allow suitable “blub breaks”, should emphasise Mr. Blair’s role as the Queen Mother’s closest confidant, especially during times of family trouble, and how she frequently referred to him as the Father of the Nation. It should also tap into key parts of the nation’s psyche by reminding everyone how Mr. Blair had stood by the Queen Mother during the darkest times of the Blitz, the Suez crisis and the last Conservative government.

Mr. Blair himself was unavailable for comment and was reported to be seeing whether Asprey’s Royal Jewellers offered any refunds.

Author’s note: England beating Argentina at football was too good an opportunity to miss. Another very popular article.

The Falkland Islands has launched “total all-out bloody war” against Argentina it announced today. In a tersely worded statement the Government of the Falkland Islands said “The entire might of the Falkland’s armed forces are being hurled against the craven Argentinians and their sneaky fishing ways”

It is thought that the invasion has been prompted by the defeat of the ArgentineFootball team in the World Cup, which has led the Islanders to believe that a country already dazed by recession will be unable to repel a sustained attack. It is also felt that the Islanders regarded the invasion as a way of restoring pride after their own defeat in the “Small World” Cup. Denying this, Donald Lamont, the Governor of the Islands claimed that the territory could hold its head up high after being narrowly cheated of victory in a close fought game in which the Faroe Islands scraped a flukey 15-0 victory.

Mr. Lamont, wearing a full Admiral’s uniform and enormous ostrich plumed hat, was speaking from the helm of HMS Stuff-The-Argies, a vessel which appeared to be a hastily modified pedallo with “Property of the Serpentine” crossed out and a double barrelled shotgun strapped to the front. He also denied that the invasion should be seen in any way as retaliation for the Argentinean invasion in 1982. “This is purely a defensive measure to ensure the protection of our people as well as keep those filthy dagoes away from our fishing rights and oil fields. Anyway, Falklanders’ are a modest people and it is not in our nature to laud it over another’s misfortune”, he explained as he ran up the ships colours consisting of a giant St. George’s cross with “One-Nil” written across it.

Mr Lamont then formally launched the maritime force with the traditional command of “Pedal her out Captain. Steady as she goes.” Falkland’s Chief Executive Michael Blanch then went on to explain what weapons the Islands would be deploying. “Our scientists have worked night and day to develop an array of state of the art weaponry. Our genetically modified super sheep can devour an acre of grass in less than 1 minute thereby reducing the Argentinean Pampas to a half-decent cricket pitch. The Anti-Submarine Uber Penguin is trained to bung up a craft’s torpedo tubes with fish and the ‘Whirlybird Seagull’ delivers a devastating payload to the head. The Argies won’t stand a chance. We have also many other weapons up our sleeve, although we are disappointed that the United Nations have declared the launch of Jim Davidson into Buenos Aires as contrary to the Geneva Convention”

When asked whether any of the 2000 British armed forces stationed on the islands would be called up to fight, Mr. Blanch confirmed that “he hadn’t got round to asking them yet and was rather hoping they wouldn’t notice until the invasion was fully underway”. However, he confirmed he had informed Downing Street. “I have just spoken to the Prime Minister over a crackly telephone line. He appeared very excited by the news,” he explained. “Although it was difficult to make out his exact words, what with the static and all that shouting at the other end, I am certain that he congratulated us on our great endeavor. He also said how much he admired the Falkland’s Pluckiness – at least I think that’s what he said.”

Author’s note: I’m pretty sure this was never published. It seems somewhat ill advised and a little sexist now.

The Government confirmed today that research into car accidents had identified that the “vast majority” occurred whilst the driver was distracted in some way. Road hazards are said to include talking on mobile phones, singing along to car radios and ogling women at the side of the road with skimpy tops and large breasts – although, mysteriously, this only appears to affect male drivers, particularly those driving vans. However, the study has found the most lethal hazard – talking willy nilly to passengers – can be more dangerous than drink driving – even after just 6 pints.

It had previously been believed that car passengers took note of the surroundings and road conditions and were aware of the safety issues involved, thereby alerting a driver to oncoming danger. However, it appears that the majority of passengers and drivers, typically male and female partners, spend their entire time arguing about the speed of travel, the appropriateness of the hand signal just given to another driver and the map reading ability of the navigator. These frequently lead to conflict between driver and passenger. This conflict is often exacerbated if the parents of either partner are present in the back seat. Comments such as “Of course in my day men never swore at other drivers” or “Did I tell you his first girlfriend was at school with a Duchess, you know?” simply add to the tension.

The new laws being drafted will tackle these problems head on. It is believed that they will require all new cars for sale in Britain to contain a sound proofed cubicle surrounding the driver to prevent him or her from being distracted by the continual and sometimes intense chatter in the car. The laws also require appropriate phrases to be pumped into the cubicle at random points along the journey. They are intended to be a combination of alerts and road-rage reducing soothers. Initial phrases are believed to be:

“LOOK OUT”
“30 Miles an hour is the limit and not necessarily the recommended speed”
“It’s not a race you know”
“Ten-to-two or quarter to three. Not half-past six”
“I think we should have taken that last left turn”
“I don’t think that was a very good idea. He’s a lot bigger than you and he doesn’t look very pleased”

Pilot studies using London’s black cabs have already been a stunning success. Several cab drivers were unaware that the enthusiastic agreement of the passenger with his views on hanging, immigrants and football were actually computer-generated responses to certain key-words. Passengers are also delighted that usual cockney-banter is now replaced by a guided commentary of the sights of London recorded by Dame Judi Dench, although several Americans were reportedly surprised that their route required them to pass Buckingham Palace 15 times.

Punishments under the new law are still to be established but at present the Police are currently limited to placing the offending driver and passenger in opposite corners in the back of a Police van facing the wall with their fingers on their lips until they have learned their lesson. Police are urging a new “Driving whilst talking” law which will require those found guilty to have to drive round with their Mother-in-Law telling them why their son or daughter is too good for them without losing control of the vehicle in a 30 minute period.

Road safety campaigner Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush gave a cautious welcome to the proposals and promised to give a full statement “just as soon as he had dropped his wife’s Mother off”

Author’s note: The US and UK continued to make up evidence to justify the future invasion of Iraq and had started with some fairly questionable interrogation tactics.

The US has announced that it has prevented the “almost certain” mass destruction of all its major cities by the detonation of a radioactive device, mass invasion by cloned robots or a murderous plot involving someone with the code-name “Green Goblin”. The CIA confirmed that they had foiled a huge well-organised Al Qaeda plan by intercepting “a lot of top secret information that we have no intention of telling you about or putting before a court of law”.

George J Tenet, Director of Central Intelligence, explained that they had arrested “a definite criminal mastermind” in possession of all the apparatus needed to make a bomb – or at least several notes about it. Mr. Tenet went on to emphasise how close the terrorist was to causing mayhem. “This madman could have set this bomb off at any time. All he needed to do was take the sketchy and incomplete plans he had, construct an explosive device, obtain a large amount of radioactive material, find a safe way of packing it into a bomb without ionising himself and transport the device to one of the most securely guarded cities in the world. What could be simpler? The US Intelligence Services have leapt into action and kept the free world safe from terrorist threats. Or at the very least we’ve kept those bastards in Congress off my back for a couple of weeks.”

Mr. Tenet went on to deny that the arrest of the suspect had anything to do with countering the negative comment regarding their inability to prevent the September 11th atrocity or subsequently discover any Al Qaeda operatives in the US. “My people have worked night and day on how to identify terrorists. We have a programme whereby everyday in the office one of the administrative staff disguises themselves as a potential terrorist with an outfit consisting of a tea-towel, a false beard and bottle of ‘Bronzo’ tanning lotion. My guys have spotted them every time, although recently we’ve found it a bit difficult to persuade anyone else to be the ‘Mystery Terrorist’ after they shot the first three of them dead. Our agents have also been studying ‘Where’s Waldo’ books night and day and can pick that little stripy sucker out of a crowd in under 30 seconds.” He also explained how the intelligence services had been carefully monitoring the sale of cardboard cutters of the type used to hijack the planes on September 11th, especially to any wild-eyed, rag heads that have recently taken up plane spotting as a hobby.

Matters have however become complicated by the fact that the suspect, Abdullah al-Mujahir, is an Hispanic US citizen, formerly known as Jose Padilla. Contrary to normal law, he has been placed under custody by the CIA rather than the FBI, denying him the usual rights and privileges. Mr. Tenet explained that this was because Mr. Mujahir was “particularly evil. Just look at his photo for Chrissake”

When asked what evidence the CIA held against the man, Mr. Tenet confirmed that he had been found in possession of a large amount of information, much of it which appeared to have been downloaded from the internet. “This guy had been using some sort massive secret database known only as ‘Google’. I tell you, the things that are stored in there are terrifying. There are plans involving some guy named James Bond and a stash of nuclear weapons. There are several hair-raising schemes involving alien invasion and what appear to be a large number of training videos, one involving an Asian woman known as Sucki-Cocki who appears to show how to disable our armed forces by ‘fucking them to death'”.

Mr Tenet also confirmed that the CIA was still interviewing Mr. Mujahir and was confident that “the next six months in an interrogation cell with a couple of my farm boys and no access to any legal representation should help us tidy up any loose ends”

Matters have become further confused by the President announcing that anyone of Hispanic origin would now be treated as a potential terrorist, especially as “they’re kinda funny looking”. He also confirmed that he was adding Mexico to the nations within the Axis of Evil, gravely reminding his fellow Americans to “remember the Alamo”. Finally, he warned US citizens to be ever vigilant for the terrorist threat “After all, you all heard what George Tenet said. Everyone should be careful to watch out for this kind of dirty bum”

Author’s note: England was doing rather well in various sports tournaments, often by importing people from other countries and rebranding them as English. A brief article that made fun of that.

As England hails its new success in sports, the Brains Trust interviewed key figures in transforming English sport from worst to first. In a sight to warm the heart of any patriotic soul, the Brains Trust had gathered together some of our most famous national sons to share the secrets of their success.

True blue Englishman Sven Goran Ericsson commented “Gor lumme guvnor, strike a light, pass me that jar of Gravadlax – I mean jeelied eels. Let’s have a good old cockney sing-a-long, eh? Roll out the barrell!”. As Tord Grip, the England football manager’s number two, joined in for a traditional English knees up, we spoke to England cricket coach Duncan Fletcher “Eh oop, gradley. Can’st thee hold on t’me whippet lad. I’ve just got wash coal dust off ‘ands from t’pit. Nowt like ‘ard days graft at coal face to make a man understand the finer points of spin bowling and the precise psychological strategy in teamwork”. Lennox Lewis, the soft-spoken Englishman with his familiar west-country burr agreed, “Ooh aar. Aye reckon we be doin’ arlrite what with hay-making underway and ye old gruntfuttocks gambolling in the meadows, ain’t that right me old beauty? Drop of cider, anyone?”

The Government also joined in the adulation of English sporting heroes, with David Blunkett taking time out from visiting the new immigration facilities at Dover to praise the sportsmen’s success. Mr. Blunkett also went on to explain how the Government would be implementing new asylum criteria. “It is important to employ fair measures that show that an immigrant is really in fear of his or her life. As such, we will be using this 100 metre running track so that they can demonstrate how fast they had to run away from their tormentors. And this high jump will provide a useful simulation of how they managed to scale the walls of their prisons.”