Author’s note: Many years ago, Danny Baker wrote a review of an album by Imagination. Except it wasn’t – it was a long diatribe on how hot it was in the NME office. I adopted a similar idea. Everyone liked it (probably because I carefully name checked all of us), but Tom decided it was unpublishable. The names are all the pseudonyms of our authors – can you spot the son of a famous author?

God it’s hot. I can’t believe Pullman broke the air conditioning. I told him filling it up with ice wouldn’t make it work better. It’s like that time he insisted on taking the hard disc out of the server and giving it a good shake to loosen up the data and make it go faster. Oh shit, Delano’s coming over here. Oh no he’s not, he’s stopped by the water cooler. He’s still got that little Korean chap following him around. He insists he’s his editorial apprentice? Who’s he trying to kid? He’s the only apprentice I’ve ever heard of that sleeps on top of the wardrobe. Oh God he’s giving me that Korean smile again. At least, I think he’s smiling. He just kind of bares his teeth every so often. And I can’t understand a word he says. Delano says he can and pretends he can speak Korean but when he asked him to proof read the last issue, Ng just gave him a strange look and went and put it in the toaster. God, I can’t believe it’s so hot. Oh Christ, Delano really is coming over here now and he’s got Carroll with him. I better look as though I’m typing something. Eojqlkedfj adlk nlk cadnma cnnas dcmsd cnlka sd jhcnlkj asdcnj a sdcnb jascnb jascxnb jasdc nbkjas dcbn.

That was a close one. They started arguing before they got to my desk. Carroll didn’t see that Korean chap getting ready to bite his ankles. It’s lucky he was holding that pair of scissors. Still, it took a couple of good jabs to get him to loosen his grip, though. No wonder his teeth are in such good nick. Oh God, Hammerton’s scratching his arse again. And now he’s picking his nose. I don’t know why he doesn’t just use his underpants as a handkerchief. What’s this article supposed to be about? Public-private partnerships? Who the fuck wants to read about public-private partnerships? They always give me the boring ones. They’re only jealous cos I got that mention in the Guardian. Oh and look at Mr. Lah-di-dah aren’t I clever I’ve got a girlfriend with a Cambridge degree Reinold. He is such a crawler. He always gets Carroll and Delano a donut from the shop. And he pretends to laugh at their jokes. Still he needs to with the crap he comes up with. And he always stinks out the cubicle on Monday morning. I don’t know why they don’t replace the air freshener in there. Too fucking stingy as usual. I wonder if I move my screen a bit this way whether I can surf the net without them seeing. Oh wow, that girl in the office next door is standing by the window again. What did the security guard say she was called? Tiffany? I’ll try smiling at her and see what she does. Well, charming I must say. It was only a smile, she didn’t need to be quite so energetic with that finger.

I better think of a title for this. Look at the time. The pub’ll be open in half-an-hour. How about “PPP too alliterative for Prescott”. Nah crap. “PPP is utter bollocks claims report”. God, even worse. I bet if I think up a really good title they wont bother reading the article. Like “Railways reclassified as weapons of mass destruction.” Great title and Delano didn’t notice that bit about him and his sister until that crawler Froman pointed it out. Oh bugger, here come the yanks back from their power coffee break. Look at Seycley’s head. Having hair that doesn’t move can’t be natural. And God knows how anyone persuaded Meg that shoulder pads were back in. She probably got them off that American Football team she was knocking off. Why are they so fucking loud? And what does realigning our strategic direction to encompass multiple media streams mean? Maybe that Korean could translate it. How about “Prime Minister shocked by credit card balance – Byers denies railtrack bailout”. Bit long. Maybe if I just put something irrelevant but with some buzzwords. “Al Qaeda denies railtrack buy-out – ‘We have some scruples’ claims spokesman”. Oh fuck it I’ll just go with “Shock report reports shock findings shock” and see what happens.

Author’s note: This was never published with Robert complaining particularly about the phrase “pesky Indians”. Anyhoo, it was repurposed rather well as an article about Pakistan, and I sneaked the phrase “pesky Indians” into another article. Yaa boo sucks.

The President of the United States, George Bush, surprised commentators and many of his own advisors today by holding an impromptu press conference whereby he outlined his strategy for bringing peace to Kashmir by “making sure we do a proper job of finishing off those Indians this time”

Mr. Bush made his announcement wearing what appeared to be a child’s cowboy hat and brandishing two toy cap pistols. Explaining that these illustrated how the West was won, and it was now time to do the same in the East, he continued “I thought we’d got rid of those pesky Indians for once and for all after Custer’s last stand. Things have become a whole lot clearer to me since I discovered that they’re alive and well and living near Afghanistan. Just you look at this picture of Sitting Bull and tell me there’s no similarity with Osama Bin Laden” he yelled waving around what appeared to be an identikit photo of Osama Bin Laden wearing a set of Buffalo horns.

Mr Bush then went on to explain how he was reforming the tenth cavalry and would be immediately shipping them out to the area of conflict. “I understand that these Indians now live in a place called India. This is clearly land that should belong to God-fearing Protestant white immigrants. Once the US cavalry have reclaimed what is rightfully ours, we shall me renaming it New America and consigning the natives to secure reservations where they can indulge in traditional practices such as war-dances, peace-pipe smoking and running highly lucrative casinos”

As the armed forces struggled to cope with the President’s emergency orders for fresh horses, Bowie knives and ten-gallon hats, Donald Rumsfeld sought to reassure the US public that the President did not harbour neo-colonial ambitions. “I can assure you that rumours of a covert operation called ‘Remember the Alamo’ are just that: rumours. The massing of large numbers of militia on the Mexican border wearing large furry hats and singing ‘Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier’ are just part of our rehearsal for ‘Remember the Alamo’ day. We are planning to swarm across the border and take simulated revenge against the Mexicans using a mixture of historical re-enactment, wargame techniques and live ammunition.”

As the President continued to issue more orders for smallpox infected blankets and barrels of firewater, he appeared more cautious on his strategy for dealing with Pakistan. “It sounds kind of similar to Palestine if you say it quickly enough” he mused. “Which means with any luck Israel can finish them off without us having to worry about them”

Author’s note: Finally, an article about the world cup that was actually about the sport. Roy Keane was a gifted player, but horribly violent and from what one could see on the television an ill tempered narcissist with the self control of a five year old. He stormed out of the Irish team, who did rather well without him. This was a massively popular article, for some reason

Embattled former Irish captain Roy Keane has confirmed that he intends to enter the World Cup finals in a team consisting of “me, me and only me”. He has explained that he believes his tactics of footballing skill, supreme leadership abilities and extreme violence will enable him to “go all the way in the finals even if it means having to be teach myself some hard lessons and give myself a stern talking to every so often”.

Mr. Keane made the announcement during a stormy press conference organised by his agent, Mr. Roy Keane. He explained that he had made the decision to go it alone reluctantly and only after “virtually grovelling” to Mick McCarthy in order to persuade him to let him back in the Irish team. “The fact that Mick didn’t recognise the invitation to kiss my tight white arse as a traditional Irish token of appeasement merely shows his lack of empathy with the Irish way of life. I was also disappointed that Bertie Ahern felt my suggestion that he go fuck himself was ‘not constructive'”

Mr. Keane then went on to explain that he had pulled together the finest team of world class talent and was confident of their chances. Keane United, as his team will be known, are already in training with Roy Keane also taking on all management and coaching positions. Mr. Keane went on to explain that he had undergone a rigorous training regime to ensure his peak fitness. “I have developed a set of radical soccer manoeuvres derived from ju-jitsu, karate and tae kwon do which should ensure I can deal with any opposition. I have also been coached in how to offer comments on someone’s parenthood and how ugly their wife is in over 17 different languages, which should help to deal with any tournament officials.”

When asked how he intended to enter the finals without having played in any qualifying matches, Mr. Keane firstly demonstrated how he would deal with “those FIFA fuckers” by beating the questioner around the head with a specially minted replica of the World Cup, made from melting down approximately one week worth of his wages. He then explained that if he were prevented by small minded petty officialdom, he would be entering the Keane Cup tournament instead which he challenged anyone in the room to deny wasn’t “the best fucking tournament in the world. Anyone here got any problem with that?”

However, stories are already circulating of discontent within the Keane camp. Reports have emerged of Keane angrily storming out of a training session and complaining it was “bollocks”. This was then followed by the manager and captain engaging in a vitriolic slanging match outside the team’s dressing room. Roy Keane declined to comment apart from suggesting that “as far as he was concerned he was a shit player, a shit manager and he’d never play in the same team as himself again”

Author’s note: The battle of Waterloo was allegedly won on the playing fields of Eton, and sport is war and war is sport. It was world cup time and we were about to start another war in the Middle East so why not write an article about the world cup – but it’s really about war – geddit?

Teams from countries around the globe have started to compete in what looks set to be one of the most tense set of matches since the 1940’s. Media and public alike are finding it increasingly difficult to predict the result and can only watch with anticipation to hope that they will be on the winning side.

Pundits generally agree that the European teams are off form with Germany appearing to have lost heart since defeat in the last final and other qualifiers including France and Italy appearing to favour defensive strategies. England, however, has sought to establish itself in the training and equipment market by supplying anyone who has enough money to pay, regardless of their attacking preferences and crowd control techniques

South America continues to shine with a number of countries finding excellent form recently. Argentina is tipped to re-establish it’s premier position after a disappointing flirtation with new team tactics including democracy. However, it seems likely that new leadership could take-over at any time and an almost military style regime could be in charge very soon. Other countries including Chile, Bolivia and Columbia are also showing good form although Columbia is struggling to cope with allegations of drug abuse.

Africa is also becoming a more confident challenger for the crown. Teams from countries as diverse as Rwanda, Sudan and, most recently, Zimbabwe are all showing excellent form and are becoming more confident in taking on their previous coaches in England and France.

Most recently some unexpected countries look set to go all the way to the finals. The Israel Palestine conflict remains one of the most exciting with new techniques such as the famous suicide swoop and the devastating Israeli attack continuing to dazzle. India and Pakistan are also in fearsome competition and their famed “nuclear defence” could be called into play at any time.

The USA is a new entrant, and is keen to counter its reputation for not taking part in a game until well after it has begun. It is now rapidly acquiring skill and determination to prevail on the world stage. Their recent friendly against the Russians provoked surprise by the subtlety of their attack, not least from the Russian Captain who felt certain that they had emerged victorious from the encounter despite a clear victory by the visitors.

Afghanistan has also shown recent good form. However, after succumbing in a lacklustre engagement with the US, pundits fear they may be past their prime and they appear to have lost a number of their squad to injury. Their tactics of insisting on sudden death playoffs has also weakened the team. Their main goal scorer, Osama Bin Laden, a transfer from the Saudi Academicals, has also not made an impression since his devastating destruction of the US defence last year.

With many other countries, including North Korea, Sri Lanka and Chechnya, keen to enter the fray, it can only be hoped that Roy Keane will stick to his pledge to stay out of things before they get really violent.

Author’s note: Ooh, I liked this article. I wanted to write something about the nascent anti-immigration movement, that ultimately ended in Brexit and spied an opportunity based on the soon-to-be-launched Euro. We actually received a letter worrying that it was making fun of the Holocaust and I had to explain that I was using the Holocaust to illustrate where anti-immigration policies often end up. Also note my rather clever use of Stirling to mimic the Christian name, which Tom kept changing to Sterling.

David Blunkett announced immediate action today to combat the “tide of non-UK currencies” that are sweeping into Britain. “Currencies of different denominations, colours and cultures are in danger of swamping our economy. We must take urgent action to preserve the British way trading”

In one evening the Brains Trust witnessed hundreds of currencies from across Europe breaking through flimsy currency exchanges and fleeing across the channel tunnel into the UK. We interviewed two desperate refugees known only as Frank and Mark who explained their plight to us.

“There was a time when we were welcome throughout our homelands,” Frank told us. “In every home in the country people would be delighted to let us in. Shops, restaurants, banks – even politicians – they couldn’t get enough of us. But then suddenly some sinister extremist forces began to take over in the heart of Europe. At first it was a bit of a joke, no one thought it would ever happen. But then people began to talk about a single currency, a master race that would sweep throughout Europe. Then discriminatory laws began to appear. We could only meet each other at fixed exchange rates. There were maximum numbers of us that could work in government. Adverts appeared denouncing us and calling for people to hand us over to the authorities. I felt devalued”

At this point Frank broke down and Mark continued. “It was then that the real trouble started. They passed laws declaring that we would be illegal after a certain date. They would only recognise the Euro as the chosen race, a single pure strain that was superior to all others. Now, we have no legal recognition, we are non-currencies as far as our people are concerned. Even safe havens have become dangerous. Some of my colleagues turned up in a shop and were immediately transported to a sorting centre. God knows what happened to them after that. There are stories of millions of us being disposed of in furnaces. It’s terrifying”

However, the currencies are also having a hard time finding solace in the UK. Many locals are handing them in to the authorities to be transported back to an unknown fate at home. They also face opposition from nationalist currency activists. One such hard currency supporter, known only as “Stirling”, explained his position. “We’re being overtaken by a tide of foreigners. We should only allow in ones that look like us – ones with a Queen’s head on them – except Dale Winton obviously. And they should be forced to swear allegiance to the Bank of England and leave their foreign markets at home. We should chuck all the rest back. Before you know it they’ll be taking over here.”

As the Government promised swift action against the immigrants Tony Blair declared that the UK need not fear for its own currency especially as it was going to get a nice shiny new one soon.

Author’s note: Railways are an incredibly safe way to travel, but when there is a crash, there is usually a huge surge in cries for renationalising the rail companies, which seems to miss the point. Anyway, all the talk was of Iraq and it’s mythical weapons of mass destruction, so why not start with that? There was also the petrol tax protests, which still seem to have an effect…

The Government announced today that it has reclassified the UK’s entire rail infrastructure as a weapon of mass destruction and would be urgently starting to decommission “the whole bloody awful network.”

The Government was reacting to the press coverage of the railways in recent weeks, culminating with the headlines generated after the Potters Bar crash. Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, explained that based on a “cool, calm and unemotive” assessment of Britain’s media, it was clear that the railways were “more lethal than the world’s entire stockpile of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons and must be destroyed immediately.” Mr. Blair, brandishing a copy of the Daily Mirror then read out an editorial which highlighted “the almost certain death” that faced anyone foolhardy enough to travel on the railways. He also pointed out statistics from the Sun’s “10 facts you never knew about rail travel” which “conclusively proved” that it was safer roll down Mount Everest in a flaming barrel filled with high-explosives than take the 8:34 from Wimbledon to Leatherhead.

“It is now clear that we were misguided in our belief that public transport is a good thing,” he continued. “It creates only misery and death. It is the Axle of Evil and must be destroyed. God knows what would happen if this thing were to fall into the wrong hands. Just imagine if some unaccountable megalomaniac politician, a congenital liar who ruled his domain with faceless thugs that pedalled lies and terror got his hands on it? It doesn’t bear thinking about?”

The Government’s stance was supported by Petrol Tax protest leader Brynle Williams. Mr. Williams was speaking at a rally against public transport where 57 “petrol tax martyrs” doused themselves with fuel and set fire to themselves rather than pay an extra penny per litre of gasoline. Speaking on their behalf, Mr. Williams called for an immediate increase in investment in the roads. “It is the duty of all right thinking people to encourage travellers onto the roads. For too long we have put the lives of passengers at risk on these trains. It is time that our Government realised that hurtling around motorways, dodging between foreign juggernauts and jamming four-wheel drive vehicles three-abreast on minor roads outside schools is more convenient, safer and more environmentally friendly than any other mode of travel”

Mr Blair claimed that he was taking action to remedy the problems and was investigating several solutions “many of which involved putting Stephen Byers and John Prescott through some sort medieval torture regime”. However, as an emergency measure he had ordered the recall of all military forces from “those ghastly little places like Afghanistan, Kosovo and Northern Ireland”. These forces will be commanded to make the rail network safe by unleashing the UK’s entire nuclear arsenal at it. “After all,” commented Mr. Blair “having a huge melted radioactive lump of metal spanning the length of the entire country is likely to be less damaging than the existing rail network – at least for my re-election chances”

Author’s note: At the Brains Trust we had a wide variety of characters. Lawyers, consultants, lefties, righties, a professional cellist (who was also the son of a very famous author), a married couple who were separating but not separating. What we did not have was anyone who had any interest in sport. So it usually fell to me, to write something. This was a gentle spoof on Labour’s occasional commitment to renationalising things (Railtrack) and the fact that in general the public sector wasn’t terribly efficient.

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, today announced that the UK government would be immediately nationalising the World Cup squad and putting in place measures to ensure absolute victory in the finals this summer.

Mr. Blair is reported to have become increasingly concerned at the number of injuries sustained by England’s squad and has asked for an urgent investigation as to why regular maintenance regimes were not operating to ensure that a catastrophic failure could not take place. Initial feedback suggests that the maintenance of the team had been subcontracted out to Balfour Beatty who had assigned a number of Golf professionals to the team in the absence of trained football experts. It is also understood that Mr. Blair was concerned at such a priceless national asset falling into foreign ownership and was keen to bring the “Best of British” governance to the team calling on the finest Government skills from all parts of public ownership.

Margaret Beckett, the new England Team manager, outlined her strategy for leading the team to victory. “Initial training will come via our world-class sporting academies. However, as these aren’t projected to be finished until 2009, we have negotiated the use of the Bermondsey Falcons pitch after 9PM on alternate Thursdays although they aren’t able to guarantee that the showers will be working. To ensure peak fitness, we shall be bringing state of the art medical facilities from the Health Service and have negotiated a greatly reduced waiting time of only 3 months for injuries sustained during a game” she explained. “We shall also be equipping our on-site paramedics with the very latest equipment including galvanised buckets, cellulose sponges and super sweet blood oranges, although these will be restricted to forwards owing to the backs having a different prescribing policy”

The team will be transported to the match using Britain’s rail network and, assuming they survive, they will be flown to Japan on a chartered Easyjet flight to ensure no money is wasted. They will also be accompanied by a support team of over 3000 civil servants who will provide vital strategic direction and make sure that the team have targets to reach including number of goals scored, litres of phelgm produced and amount of four-letter advice given to the referee about his Mother. After each goal is scored the Government has devised a simple system of forms for the goal scorer to complete so that they can capture best practice and share the learnings with the rest of the team. These should take no more than 90 minutes to finish.

Mrs Beckett also took the opportunity to outline her new World cup squad. “On attack we have John Prescott who will be bringing his “Right hand of God” to the fore and Stephen Byers will be utilising his excellent defensive skills. His body swerve and ability to bend the ball will be vital in getting the team out of tricky situations. Peter Mandelson will be putting his excellent knowledge of the offside rule to trap unwary opponents and Keith Vaz will be administering what I believe are known as ‘bungs’ just in case any FIFA officials are on hand.

Mr. Blair proclaimed that the new English squad will be a “world beater” but expressed his disappointment that Gordon Brown had declined the opportunity to be head-coach and decided he wanted to go off and lead his own team.

Author’s note: Pim Fortuyn was a fascinating politician. Gay, centre right and stridently anti-muslim he cut a swathe through Holland and was assassinated by a hard-left environmentalist who was worried he might (gasp) win an election. For me this was one of the early skirmishes between the establishment and the masses that we now see manifest itself with Brexit, Boris and Trump.

First and foremost this was a rather silly, if poor taste, article, making fun of the fact that he looked like a Bond villain. Secondly, though, I was interested in what happens when the establishment doesn’t get what it wants. And the answer we have now is that it pulls together to do everything in its power to thwart the popular will. You can argue whether that is democratic or whether it is actually for the greater good. Personally, I think it probably both but then I don’t think we should ever have had a Brexit referendum because we live in a representative democracy and we pay our politicians to make tough decisions.

Top secret memos have been leaked to the Brains Trust which appear to indicate that Pim Fortuyn, the Dutch maverick political leader, was not assassinated by a radical green campaigner but was actually attacked by British Intelligence. The assassination was carried by an operative known only by the codenumber 007 and he is thought to have averted a plot by Mr. Fortuyn to take-over the world using a stolen consignment of nuclear weapons.

It appears that 007 is part of an exclusive group of operatives especially trained to seek out potential serious terrorist threats. Extensive profiling has revealed that these terrorists usually have certain distinguishing character traits, namely:

• They are bald
• They are populist extroverts with unusual sexual proclivities
• They have high profile media presence
• They have a set of henchmen with similar characteristics
• They possess large fluffy white cats and live in secret underground bunkers

A source working for British Intelligence, known only as M, confirmed that Mr. Fortuyn met all of these characteristics although “his secret underground bunker appears to be more like a basement flat, but we think that’s just part of its disguise”. Asked to explain the evidence for Mr. Fortuyn’s plan to control the world, M simply commented “Take it from me, they always do. First they start off with their populist policies, then they go and undermine democracy by winning an election and before you know it you’re having public debates with people discussing any old rubbish and pretending it’s freedom. The only way to ensure true freedom and democratic choice is by ensuring these madman can’t take control”

Through a series of elaborate passwords, secret rendezvous and a set of photos involving Cherie Blair and Anne Widdecombe, the Brains Trust was able to gain an audience with 007. He confirmed that it was him that carried out the assassination and commented: “I’m amazed they fell for the old crazed vegan assassin routine. We thought we’d go with that one as it would put that blame on the Russians. They frequently despatch their victims with potatoes and beetroots” explained 007. “Personally, I’d normally go for the sophisticated investment banker or suave international businessman which no one ever expects. It also gives you a much better chance of getting your leg over the beautiful scientist who always seems to be associated with the madman”

007 was also able to confirm that the assassination had been carried out using a special high-powered rifle disguised as a carrot. The device was created by a technical mastermind known only as ‘Q’. “Q has come up with some real life-saver’s for me,” 007 confirmed. “The poisoned swizzle stick, the exploding casino chips and my personal favourite the contracting condom that shrinks to size of a thumbnail on contact with the genitals. Unfortunately, most Russians appeared to enjoy this and there’s now a thriving black market for the damn things.”

Commenting on the assassination, the Dutch premier expressed his thanks to the British Secret Service for averting the world takeover and explained that, despite having seen no evidence of the plot expressed his satisfaction “After all, the last thing we want is some weirdo turning up and winning the election. How on Earth can that be democracy?”

Author’s note: I was pretty convinced that liberal, centrist capitalism would continue to sweep all before it and the threat from the far right was greatly overstated. What an idiot

As the BNP prepares to capitalise on its huge success in the local election and gear up to form the next UK Government and Jean-Marie Le Pen puts the final polish to his victory speech, the world braced itself for the almost certain appearance of the Fourth Reich.

Within countries across the world, the appearance of charismatic, wild eyed fascists bent on world domination cast a pall on the democratic process. “How can we have let this happen?” lamented Jacques Chirac, the soon to be ex-President of France. “Politicians have always behaved responsibly, we have avoided corruption and always sought to spend the peoples money wisely. We listen carefully to the views of the people from our parliament buildings in our capital cities and ensure that we issue strict centrally controlled laws to benefit local communities. And every five or so years we allow the people to vote on a wide variety of candidates with different viewpoints so that we can start all over again. How can it be possible that people feel disconnected with democracy and flirt with Fascism?”

Fortunately, the media has been quick to spot the rise of fascism and has acted responsibly by highlighting the danger in moderated manner. In the UK, the Daily Mail cleverly issued a 15 page “find-a-fascist” special, carefully highlighting each individual ward where one could “vote for a Nazi” and giving details of each candidates name so they the public could easily identify and reject them.

Governments have also responded by addressing the policies of the far right and adopting a pragmatic approach to rejecting them. “Clearly these peoples repellent approach to immigrants is just one issue which reflects their insular, closed minded policies”, explained David Blunkett, the UK Home Secretary, as he laid the ceremonial first brick in the wall to block up the Channel Tunnel and “cut off the UK from Europe and it’s hordes of benefit grabbing darkies”. Mr. Blunkett continued “Before you know it, these fascists will be massively restricting individual freedoms and controlling everything centrally. It’s important that we don’t give them that opportunity and therefore I am announcing a set of new measures to allow much greater surveillance so that we can keep a close eye on them. We shall also be providing new freedoms for anyone who rejects fascism by denying people the right to speak in support of any far right measures and lock up anyone who supports their views.”

However, new anti-immigrant measures have led to problems with processing. Each country now has a policy to deport the migrants to their neighbouring country who then moves them on to their own neighbour. “I’ve been three times round the world now” claimed Abdul Al-Sayaf as he boarded the life-raft that has been his home for the last 3 years. “And now I can’t remember which country I started in”

Ariel Sharon also condemned the rise of fascism and rejected any comparisons between his own Government’s policies towards the Palestinians and those of the far right towards immigrants. “That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows that fascists persecute Jews. It doesn’t say anything about Jews persecuting anyone else. The fact that the world is riddled with far-right psychopaths intent on world domination should in no way imply any comparison with Israel’s current policies”

Within the US, John Ashcroft announced precautionary measure to arrest potential Islamic Fundamentalists without requiring evidence against them to be revealed. Explaining the measure, he commented, “It’s important to avoid these people taking away the freedoms for which the USA is so justly famous”

Author’s note: OK, this was fun. We had started to get a cult following and a reasonable readership. All the authors were anonymous (I was known as Beaumont) and I thought it would be silly to write two contrasting descriptions of what life at Brains Trust Towers was really like.

Perception
Many of our readers write in on a regular basis to request details of how we put each issue of the Brains Trust together. Unfortunately, our high powered jobs in vital Government departments prevent us from disclosing our identities. However, today we are able to reveal for the first time a behind the scenes look at how the Brains Trust works.

Each day our team of highly paid full-time contributors meet in our luxurious Belgravia offices at 6AM to sing the Brains Trust anthem, have a team hug and swap story ideas over a power breakfast. After a short but fulfilling address from the editorial team, the contributors engage in workshops to develop ideas into top quality satirical material. The office operates in a collegiate atmosphere, with team working and a non-judgemental style that fosters creativity through encouragement. The office walls are festooned with motivational posters exhorting the team to “be the best”.

Ideas are constantly being thrown in for consideration with no thought for credit. The well-paid and contented staff also find time to browse all the major international news journals for new material. However, the editorial team is ever vigilant for the slightest hint of plagiarism. Mid-way through the day the group, all teetotal vegans, stop for a nutritious lunch time snack of tofu washed down with soya milk. They are then joined on the satellite link by the US correspondents. The US and UK teams engage in some hilarious, but positive and non-judgemental horseplay cleverly highlighting cultural differences whilst encouraging creative tension. The US contributors bring their own style and approach to the Trust and the UK welcomes their US brethren’s different outlook on world affairs. Outside contributions are also welcomed as bringing new life and vitality to the journal. All submissions are carefully reviewed and every one receives a response from the editors offering constructive advice and encouragement. Occasionally, our offices our visited by our principal investor, a wealthy philanthropist who insists on having no editorial involvement

As the deadline approaches the BT team put in many long hours polishing stories and ruthlessly editing and re-editing material. The stories are then automatically downloaded into the BT’s state-of-the-art web authoring software. Original images are created to enhance the world leading text. On the Thursday before publication the issue is fully prepared by the middle of the day. The entire team then meets and works laboriously until midnight to ensure that the issue is the most pin-prick accurate satirical effort possible and ensure that all last minute issues are covered. Following “go-live” at midnight the team enjoys a brief prayer session, an invigorating cup of cocoa and start to prepare for the next issue. From then on, the messages of praise start to flood in from our millions of readers.

Reality
The only person to ever enquire about the Brains Trust was a police inspector wondering why the BT offices were used as the forwarding address for a Romanian call-girl ring. The “offices” are a small shed under the railway embankment in Braintree, Essex. Each day the editor-in-chief Carroll attempts to call together the regular contributors, a group of tramps, thieves and Romanian call girls, to flog them and force them to write stories. All available time is spent in the pub or reading Hello magazine and watching daytime TV soaps.

By Wednesday evening, no contributions have been made, except for an obscene limerick by Pullman, an article about currency fluctuations that no one understands from Beaumont and a twenty page anti-capitalism tirade from Hammerton, and so the editor, Delano, is released once more from the editor-in-chief’s bedroom cupboard. A vile, unkempt snarling creature, he terrifies all the contributors into writing articles. By midday Thursday a review of all contributions reveals 12 of them to consist entirely of the words “la la la” repeated over and over again. However one article by Reinold is compact and hilarious but he confesses under torture that it was copied from a five-year-old issue of The Onion. After several seconds of debate on plagiarism, editorial ethics and copyright the team vote unanimously to run it as the lead story having changed every fifth word to “treacle” to avoid any possibility of being sued.

At this point the US contributors’ carrier pigeon arrives and they join the UK team via a 1970’s proto-type speaker phone that makes them sound like Daleks. The two US contributors are Mons Meg, a Mormon Mother of fifteen children, and Seycley, an Hispanic illegal immigrant who believes he is taking part in a weekly English correspondence course and whose contributions each week read “My name is Miguel. The sky is blue.” At 6PM all submissions from external contributors are ritually burnt whilst the team chants “Loser! Loser!” over the flames. Any new member of the team has their feet roasted on the flames and then undergoes a full initiation ritual. Abe Froman is still suspended upside down over the toilet after 14 weeks, as part of his character building exercise. Carroll then extorts money from the other contributors for “miscellaneous production disbursements”. Donations guarantee the placement of an article in this week’s issue. He spends the 27p on supporting his drug habit. The articles are laboriously entered onto punched cards and fed in the 1960’s mainframe originally featured in “Billion Dollar Brain” but now worth only 17 cents. The hand-crafted word processing software written by Carroll then crashes for the 50th time losing all the articles and refusing to restart.

An editorial decision is then made to create all the articles by copying out pages from ancient “Terry and June” scripts. The editorial team then leap into action. Armed only with his “Ladybird book of comedy editing” Delano ruthlessly removes any hint of subtlety and nuance and replaces it with phrases such as “cried like a girl”, “dribbling through a straw” and “Hugo Z Hackenbush”. Pictures are cut out of back issues of National Geographic and crudely stuck on to carbon copies of the original articles. After several minutes of frenzied activity, disturbed only by the sound of snoring from the other contributors, the Brains Trust is almost ready for release. Then with the traditional cry of “Bugger it, that’ll do. I’m off to the pub” the issue is released to the delight of all other satirical journals on the web who can once again rest easily that their readership will be unthreatened.