Author’s note: Continuing on my policy of writing articles which were mildly critical of Israel reneging on it’s agreements with the Palestinians. I wondered what would happen if the UK adopted a similar approach. Cue many outraged comments from people unable to understand satire.

All broadcast media was interrupted across the UK last night for a special announcement by Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, which confirmed that the British army had started a major counter-offensive against terrorism and had reoccupied the entire island of Ireland.

Looking suitably sombre, Mr. Blair announced that the British army had returned to Ireland and was currently engaged in fierce fighting with many terrorist entities in the capital city of Dublin and elsewhere. The army is currently laying siege to the Irish leader, Mr. Bertie Ahern , in his administrative compound, the Oireachtas in the centre of Dublin. Although the UK has banned Mr. Ahern from leaving his compound and from talking to the media, a brief statement has been smuggled out condemning “UK aggression” but also calling for an end to all “punishment beatings, shootings and other forms of terrorism”

Mr Blair though has refused to accept the Taoiseach’s good intentions and claims that he is directly responsible for orchestrating the campaign of terror against the UK. He has pointed out that republican terrorists have operated “for many years” from within the state of Ireland and have moved freely across the border to terrorise British citizens. The final straw appears to have been recent revelations that the Irish Republican Army has started to rearm and also forge new alliances with other terrorist groups around the world.

“These cowards skulk and hide in amongst domestic houses” claimed Mr. Blair. “And I warn you, if anyone chooses to offer them succour or sanctuary they themselves become terrorists and their house a temple of terror. They should expect no mercy”. Mr Blair was explaining the army’s policy of destroying the majority of the centre of Dublin and several other Irish cities, which he referred to as “terrorist strongholds”

Tensions have simmered for many years over the ownership of the “North Bank” of the island, with the British declaring it a sacred shrine to Unionism and the Irish claiming it as an indivisible part of their territory. Following the re-occupation, Mr. Blair has categorically denied that he wishes to deprive the Irish of a homeland. He has claimed that he simply seeks to re-establish the British Isles back to their pre-1921 borders and is happy for the Irish to resettle “wherever they bloody well like”. He has rejected a UN resolution demanding the immediate withdrawal of the UK and has refused a request for a UN mission to investigate the incursion “unless it includes Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell”

Ireland’s next nearest neighbour, the United States, has also called for the withdrawal of the UK as soon as possible, but has supported the right of the UK to “defend itself against terror using any legitimate means including wholesale destruction of any town in which terrorists are thought to live”

Other countries have been quick to condemn the UK actions but the UK has rejected these as “bogus”. Mr. Blair claimed that France and other European countries have long sought the destruction of Britain, as they are “jealous of the fact we had a proper Empire.”

As the British Army dug in for a long campaign, the press agreed on one thing – that the situation was “unlike anything that had ever happened anywhere else in the world”

Author’s note: It was local election time and no one could be bothered to vote (except me) and I couldn’t be bothered to fact check and a reader pointed out in a comment that Scotland wasn’t holding local elections, so Angus McIntyre, featured in the article, would not have been voting. “That just shows how keen he is,” I replied.

The emergency services confirmed they remain on a state of high-alert after never-before witnessed scenes of celebration, despair and rioting following the UK local elections. As the polls closed and a massive upswelling of democratic fervour gripped the nation, Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, confirmed that they had recorded the “highest turnout ever for any election anywhere in the world.”

In scenes similar to those witnessed in Zimbabwe recently, huge crowds of people started to mass around the Polling Stations well before they opened. The atmosphere buzzed with animated discussions about the parties’ local authority policies and their candidates’ views on recycling and minority sports representation.

The Brains Trust spoke to Derek Gadd who had queued for 5 years to ensure his place as first voter through the doors. “You always get a special feeling knowing you’re the first,” explained Mr. Gadd. “You look behind you at the seething mass of humanity desperate to exercise its mandate and you know that the power your vote wields can change the world – or at least your local authority’s refuse collection policy”

Massive street parties are still in full swing with London holding the largest ever “Rock-the-Vote” concert. Geri Halliwell who is headlining at the concert explained “I love voting more than sex. But I think it is a sacred act and that you should only do it when you feel you’re ready, which is why I’ve never registered to vote myself. I’m just waiting for the right candidate to come along.”

Inevitably, though, some reports of trouble flaring up have started to come in, with incidents of intimidation and bitterness taking place. A prospective Conservative councillor in Richmond and Kew was seen harassing shoppers in her local Waitrose and offering to help them carry their shopping to the car in return for the promise of their vote. A distraught Liberal Democrat who failed to poll any votes at all after he crossed the wrong box on the ballot paper, attempted suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with the polling pencil. Fortunately, he was disarmed before he was able to turn the pencil over and use the sharp end.

All the major political parties have declared themselves happy with 99.999% voter turnout. However, it has been suggested that the errant 0.0001%, Mr. Angus McIntyre, should have been allowed extra time to vote when he was delayed getting to the polling station, having rowed single-handedly from the Isle of Muck, 15 miles from the Scottish Coast, after the ferry broke down.

As returning officers from every district were carried shoulder high to the podium to announce the results of the election to animated and expectant crowds, the country could feel it was on the brink of an enormous social revolution. Tony Blair, summing up the mood of the entire nation, simply commented “Isn’t democracy wonderful?”

Author’s note: I still remain amazed that anyone actually believed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. I certainly didn’t and the increasing ridiculous levels that the US and UK were prepared to go to pretend they were there were extraordinary, with many dictatorships (North Korea, Pakistan) actually having real live nuclear weapons. And there seemed to be very many good reasons to remove Saddam without pretending he was a threat to the UK. Anyway, the UKs rather meek obsession with pleasing George W Bush was all rather embarrassing.

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, has announced that the UK would be progressing to the next stage of the “war on terror” by designating a number of UK sites as decoys to attract terrorists thereby distracting them from “important” cities such as New York, Los Angeles and Denver.

The Prime Minister furiously denied trying to “bury” the initiative, explaining he had made the announcement in Westminster Abbey during the Queen Mother’s funeral, whilst being watched by millions of people from around the world, “and you can’t get more public than that”. It is thought that the actual announcement took place during the Archbishop of Canterbury’s oratory when the Prime Minister could be seen deep in concentration and muttering some words from a typed sheet that he had previously explained was a “special Queen Mum prayer”

It now emerges that a number of UK towns and cities, including Birmingham, Scunthorpe and “anywhere with a Conservative MP” will be classed as Grade A US Population Centres. The cities will be fitted out with “American style” replica sky scrapers, their airports will be all be renamed after former US Presidents and an emergency decoy device will be triggered in the event of suspected terrorist movements. The device consists of a set of hydraulic flagpoles that immediately unfurl the Stars and Stripes, projectors that show large numbers of holographically generated clinically-obese people and a large set of speakers that issue the alert “Yoo-hoo! Over here!” every 30 seconds

The plan was hatched during Mr. Blair’s recent visit to see George Bush in the US. Mr. Blair made a joint statement with Mr. Bush confirming the UK’s readiness to send large numbers of its troops to die for “Truth, Justice and the American Way”. The UK was also ready to flout international laws and bomb Iraq as well as agreeing that there was no point in the new International War Crimes court being able to try US citizens as “they are not very likely to commit war crimes, are they?”

It is hoped that when the plan is put into action terrorists attempting to strike at the heart of US homelands will launch their attack on, for example, Scunthorpe. The Prime Minister explained that this will have the benefit of leaving the terrorists feeling that they have achieved a major goal whilst in fact having provided a major public service by removing “that awful grubby little place off the face of the map”.

In a reciprocal move the US has also announced that a number of its major population centres will be “anglicised”. New York will be renamed York and it’s skyscrapers will be fitted with thatched roofs. Further enhancements will involve replacing burger bars with fish and chip shops and teaching the locals to act in a gruff, surly, unhelpful manner and only talk in an incomprehensible manner, although this is not expected to require a significant change.

President Bush welcomed the new moves as part of the US-UK special relationship and presented Tony Blair with a commemorative designer T-shirt featuring the two countries flags on the front and large black lettering saying “Kick Me” on the back.

Author’s note: I remain a staunch supporter of Israel and despair at the levels of casual anti-semitism that exist, especially by what I am sure are well meaning supporters of Palestine. But Israel really does not help itself sometimes….

Ariel Sharon announced the next phase of his plan to deliver peace to Israel and the Middle East today. “After the successful first phase of my master strategy to bring peace with security, I can announce that we shall now be moving to the next stage – ‘Peace through Conquest'”

Mr. Sharon announced the plan after he had spent “several minutes” considering other alternatives such as “negotiation with the Palestinians, liasing with other countries or bothering to read any United Nations resolutions”. Instead, he has adopted a strategy based on “some radical policies suggested by my new cabinet colleagues from the ultra-nationalist National Religious Party and piloted by certain Central European countries, such as Serbia. Israel can now look forward to peace via the creation of a Greater Israel.”

Mr. Sharon has proposed that Israel will initially reoccupy the West Bank and Gaza. The three million Palestinians will then be re-housed in “New Palestine”, an area described by Mr. Sharon as a specially created and extensively landscaped garden city-state of approximately 2 square miles in the middle of the Sinai desert. The area will be reluctantly handed back from its current “essential use” as a cess-pit by an Israeli Settlement. Once this is completed, Israel will then be seeking to re-establish previous Jewish strongholds in other countries. The annexing of Poland is thought to be an early goal.

Mr. Sharon denounced critics of his policy as anti-Semites and claimed comparisons with the Nazis were odious. “The Nazis marched into other peoples territories, ignored the protests of other countries, stamped on human rights, murdered people without trial and installed puppet regimes ignoring the chosen leader of the places they occupied. Now come on, tell me where’s the similarity with the current Israeli government?” He then went on to explain how the policy had precedent in the recent history of the other countries. “The only way to fight terrorism is to never compromise, suspend the rights of the terrorists, summarily intern and execute them and assume that everyone in the opposing regime is a terrorist. Just look at how much success the UK had with this policy in Northern Ireland in the 1970’s.”

Mr Sharon also explained that the new policy would provide Israel with a “golden opportunity” to test out its weapons arsenal. “It seems a shame to have got America to give us all of these weapons and then just use them for defence,” he explained. “With this new policy we can really get to see how effective they are at destroying houses or dispatching terrorists secreted within large numbers of civilians”

In response, Yasser Arafat offered his support and commitment to peace by announcing that he was immediately stepping up the Palestinian “Peace through mindless slaughter” campaign. “We feel confident that by selecting keen individuals to blow themselves to bits in the middle of crowds of innocent civilians we can show how truly we long for peace and harmony with our Israeli brethren,” announced Mr. Arafat. He then went on to launch a new ‘Suicide Cub Scout’ initiative. This will involve a specially selected group of children who have agreed to strap large quantities of explosives to themselves and blow themselves up in Israeli schools in return for a visit to Kentucky Fried Chicken and a special suicide bomber apprentice badge. “They’re finger lickin’ good” beamed an excited Mr. Arafat.

Speaking for the US, George Bush welcomed the new moves towards peace but urged the two sides to hurry up. “I mean the more you guys ignore every international precedent and condemnation, the easier it’ll be for me to do the same and get on and bomb Iraq”

Author’s note: The world continued to watch as Israel and Palestine failed to patch up their differences and Yasser Arafat continued to “never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity”. It was not helped by the US and Europe moving further apart on their objectives. Plus ca change….

Israeli and Palestinian combatants appealed to mediators from around the world to leave them alone, today, so they can get on massacring each other without every “moist-eyed, limp-wristed liberal nancy boy getting in the way”

They were responding to the waves of mediators that have launched a set of successive offensive attacks on the Israeli-Palestine conflict over recent weeks. It is hoped that if the waves of mediators can continue to overrun the conflict the fighters may just give up and go home meaning that the whole world can “get back to just ignoring the problem again”

The conflict has now been running at full tilt for over a year but has been simmering for several decades. The Norwegians led an early skirmish achieving some success in overwhelming the raw hate that exists between the two participants. The US then joined the attack and claimed all the credit, with Bill Clinton explaining “that’s how we fight all of our wars”. However, the mediation attempt was gradually undermined by a series of guerrilla and Government attacks eventually succumbing to defeat with the election of Ariel Sharon.

Since then, the US has attempted to restart mediation but only in a half-hearted way with Colin Powell explaining recently that “it was difficult as they really didn’t want to upset anybody and was kind of hoping that everyone would just get along”. Recently, though, a number of new groups have stepped forward to launch mediation attempts on the area, regardless of whether they were wanted or not. European Commission President Romano Prodi has declared American mediation in the Middle East a failure, and urged the United States to stand down as primary peacemaker and let a broad alliance of nations intervene. During a phone call with Prodi, President Bush encouraged the EU to intervene with the words, “Be my fucking guest!” The situation rapidly deteriorated but seemed to have reached a peak after Mr. Bush could be heard muttering “yada-yada-yada” throughout Mr. Prodi’s address to the United Nations.

However, fighting has now broken out between the different mediation groups with vicious hand-to-hand battles occurring between European and US negotiators. In the Gaza strip Romano Prodi’s convoy was seen to deliberately swerve in front of Colin Powells and carry out an emergency stop. The two men then leapt from their vehicles and started violently remonstrating. They had to be separated by their respective aides after Powell was seen to pull Prodi’s hair and call him an “Italian wuss” whilst Prodi lashed out at Powell’s shin crying “Just go and sort out the mess you left in Iraq”

As amazed local combatants watched, the two groups were then joined by a United Nations team that offered to mediate between the Europeans and Americans. However, when the two men were released they immediately began fighting again and the UN team declined to act explaining that they were a “Peace keeping force” and were not allowed to actually intervene if fighting was taking place. “Anyway” explained Captain Mike Briggs, the leader of the UN force, “None of our guns work in the desert although the UK have promised an urgent repair programme to commence in 2006”

Further complications are likely as professional mediation services arrive in the area. A group of Marriage Guidance Counsellors from Lexington, MA have hired a plane and are currently attempting “bring the two parties together in a non-confrontational atmosphere. We will try and explore which parts of their relationship have worked and which need to be worked upon”. They are claiming some tentative success with Israel complaining that Palestine “never does the dishes” whilst Palestine laments “that Israel is always staring at other countries and commenting on how nice they look”.

Battalions of lawyers, arbitrators, estate agents, auctioneers, loss adjusters and building surveyors are now swarming into the beleaguered region and leading an all out assault against the combatants. Alarmed soldiers and terrorists are falling back asking the Red Cross to intervene between them and the mediators. “This is becoming insufferable” commented Ibrahim Mistry “How can we be expected to get on with killing each other with all these lunkheads getting in the way?”

The mediation assault shows no sign of abating however, with the US now threatening to “drop the big one”. President Bush intoned that the US had now instructed former President’s Clinton, Ford and Carter to be made ready. “Believe me,” he claimed “You really don’t want us to drop this baby on you”

Author’s note. I’m pretty sure we never used this, but the mangling of Candle in the Wind, which had been so effective for Diana, was repurposed for another article. Prince Philip was on good form. However, this had put an idea in my head which morphed into an article about the funeral that turned out rather well….

Buckingham Palace announced today that it was to combine the official acts of remembrance for the Queen Mother with the Queen’s Golden jubilee celebrations and hold “one bloody great enormous piss up”. The announcement by Prince Philip was said to have been prompted by the unexpectedly large overreaction to the Queen Mother’s death and the complete inertia greeting the jubilee celebrations. “It also means we only have to let that bunch of chinks, wops, dagoes and darkies claiming to be world leaders in the Palace once. It’ll save a fortune on disinfection costs”

Royal Watcher and generally useful spokesman when you need an expert opinion, Lord Hugo Z Hackenbush commented, “This clearly makes sense from a variety of perspectives. The same tedious celebrities, politicians and gentry would be wheeled out for both events. They would both celebrate elderly women managing to hang on way past their sell by date and they would both require large amounts of pomp, circumstance and cucumber sandwiches”

The idea has been greeted enthusiastically by celebrities who were said to be dreading being associated with jubilee. Elton John, who had already knocked up a new version of “Candle in the Wind” for the Queen Mother and another one for the jubilee “just in case”, was the first to confirm his participation. “I’ll probably combine the two versions now” he explained “It’ll start solemn and then we’ll jazz it up a bit for the jubilee part – you know do a medley with ‘Saturday night’s alright for fighting’ or something’. Mick Jagger has also now agreed to take part in the event reportedly changing his mind after being cheered up by the discovery that the Queen Mother was “considerably older than him” despite appearances to the contrary.

The overall event is being masterminded by Prince Edward and his media company “Well I’ve got to do something, Mummy says I can’t just sit around the Palace all day”. Although details are still sketchy, the plans for first part of the celebration “It’s a Royal Queen Mum Knockout” have been released. This is based on “It’s a Royal Knockout” the charity event organised by Edward some years ago. It featured the Royal offspring “behaving like common people” and taking part in hilarious games involving giant inflatable bananas, trampolines and huge amounts of custard. The new games would replace the vigil that the Queen Mother’s grandsons were planning to hold by her coffin. Instead, the four men would take part in a set of games involving throwing the coffin between rickety scaffolds, attempting to launch it into its final resting place using a giant catapult and trying to carry it to the church in under 60 seconds whilst being barged by equerries dressed in giant papier-mâché clown costumes.

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has also received the idea enthusiastically. “I mean the Queen Mum was the People’s Granny and it seems only right that we should celebrate her life with a right royal knees up. Also, as Gordon has pointed out, it means that the tax payer isn’t going to have to fork out twice so we can spend the money saved on something meaningful like a Memorial Dome. And I know just where we could find one that’s going cheap.”

Sidebar – Candle in the Wind 2002
Goodbye royal mum
Though I never knew you at all
You did a lot of walkabouts
In your electric car
Stepping out at random
As they pushed you in the crowd
They’d laid a nice red carpet
As they all just scraped and bowed

And it seems to me you lived you life
Like a candle in the rain
Spluttering, almost going out
Then popping up again
And I would have liked to know you but I was just a pleb
And invites went to racing folk and Lord and Earls instead

Goodby gappy Gran
Dentist’s never knew you at all
Which meant you teeth were not too good
Sort of stumpy, worn and brown
You could have got some dentures
Or a nice new set of caps
But you chose to scare the nation
With your choppers like Count Drac’s

Author’s note: I guess my feelings about this at the time were rather obvious from this. It seems a little graceless now.

The British Press captured the mood of whole world today as all peoples of the earth paused to mark the passing of the Queen Mother, who George Bush memorably described as “an enormously rich and privileged old lady”. As the people of UK moved away from hoping that her death was actually a “rather poor quality April Fool’s Day joke organised by Prince Andrew” they took solace from messages of support from around the world.

“Everyone in the UK just assumed that she would be resurrected on Easter Sunday” claimed Derek Gadd author of the recent Daily Mail serialised books on the Monarchy “The House of Windsor. Descendants of God?” and “Is Prince Philip an Astronaut?” “However, it appears that she has decided to remain dead for the time being, just as I predicted some time ago in my new book ‘The Queen Mother will ascend to heaven at Easter’ which is published next week. Given that everyone in the UK will find this a distressing state of affairs, it is important to know that the entire world grieves with us”

Throughout the world the British media were able to interview people who’s lives had been touched by the Queen Mother. In Afghanistan, the Daily Telegraph talked to Mahomed Khan who had stopped work digging his family out of the rubble from the recent earthquake to organise a whip-round. “It was the least I could do” he explained. “It would have felt disrespectful if we couldn’t at least send a bunch of flowers. After all, she did inherit all that wealth and the death of someone that rich and privileged puts our minor difficulties into perspective” he added as he dug the body of his three year old daughter from the rubble.

Within Ramallah, Israeli and Palestinian fighters linked arms and sang a chorus of Rule Britannia for the BBC cameras. “It is important to mark this sad farewell with a gesture of solidarity with the British people” claimed Yusuf Kamil a Palestinian resident. “We can only guess at the suffering of the British people and the huge damage that has been inflicted on their country,” he lamented, adding “Incoming!” as a shell whistled by, landing a few feet away from him. “It is nothing” he claimed, as he was stretchered away clutching his severed leg to his chest and singing “Land of Hope and Glory”. “Go back to your people and help alleviate their pain”

However, in the UK the press has reported widespread anger at the poor quality news reporting by broadcast media. “There have been at least 5 minutes each day which haven’t been devoted to coverage of the Queen Mother’s death, people’s reactions and the minutiae of organising her funeral” claimed Lady Agatha Ponsonby-Smythe in the Daily Telegraph’s 15 page supplement “She is dead! She is dead! Oh Lordy, she is dead!” “I call that a grave dereliction of duty which the people of the UK will not tolerate. I mean I may have inherited riches and privilege but it’s nothing compared to the Queen Mother. She deserves the full nine yards. And she lived through the war you know, and there’s not many people you can say that about.” Prince Charles is also reported to be furious that “the BBC only saw fit to broadcast news bulletins for 15 consecutive hours. She didn’t hang on for over 100 years simply to have the BBC refuse to move their scheduling of Dog eat Dog.”

However, from the rest of the world, the most touching tribute to the graciousness of the Queen Mother came from the President of Zimbabwe. “I always find it hard to bear when an unelected leader dies whilst still on official duty” he announced. “I shall be personally sending a group of 50 Zanu PF election officials to check for any signs of foul play. And as an act of solidarity I am putting my own name forward as King Robert the First, the Queen Father”

Author’s note: I cannot emphasise enough how much I dislike the media. Left or right. State sponsored or privately owned. Their purpose is to distort facts to support their beliefs and make you, yes you, feel miserable and dissatisfied. If you want to be happier – stop watching the news, stop listening to the news, stop reading newspapers and stay away from Twitter. Your life will improve immeasurably.

Needless to say, Tom hated this and it was never published

Politicians and pundits reacted with horror today at a new report that claimed the UK “wasn’t too bad really” and that “you could do a lot worse, you know?” An almost apoplectic Tony Blair declared “This is just the sort of nonsense that we’ve spent years trying to counter. How on Earth can we justify higher taxes, greatly increased legislation and blame the Tories for everything if people go round believing things aren’t as bad as we’re telling them they are?”

The Conservative leader, Iain Duncan Smith, also attacked the report’s findings. “Wherever you go in Britain, not that you can easily of course with the practically defunct transport system, you find crack addicted babies, gun-toting youths stealing mobile phones and dead and dying patients littering our filthy, useless hospitals. And this is all the fault of the Government. Dangerous talk that the UK is not too bad will only encourage complacency and prevent people voting Conservative in the next election”

The report, written by a recently graduated researcher, Martin Clifford, was unusual in that it was based on objective research and approached the subject from a position of studious neutrality. The report compared the living conditions in the UK with those around the rest of the world and found that in general they compared favourably. However, the report has angered almost all influential groups, including Mr. Clifford’s employer a government sponsored think-tank called Doomwatch. Doomwatch’s president, Professor Clive Slater, claimed that the report was in draft only and was now being extensively rewritten by more seasoned researchers and that Mr. Clifford had been suspended. “Our job is to highlight problem areas that require Government intervention. We certainly don’t expect our researchers to produce this sort of rubbish. Especially when we have a funding application being reviewed”

Help the Aged has also been angered by the report’s claims that the “Good old days weren’t all that great, either”. “That’s the problem with young people today. They don’t appreciate how much better life was when we had widespread disease, malnutrition and poverty. Two-fifths of our children might have died before the age of eight and most old people might have lived in pain and abject poverty but we were happy.”

The media has also denied the reports claims that they overuse hyperbole and exaggeration. “It’s ridiculous to say that we claim every minor event is a world changing drama” claimed Piers Morgan as he leafed through his thesaurus of ‘Disaster, Crisis and Horror’. Mr. Morgan was editing the Daily Mirror’s shock investigation into “Third World Britain – How Crime Lurks on Every Street Corner” but reminded readers that “The Mirror features plenty of feel-good stories, just look at the amusing piece about a kitten on page 15.”

Mr Clifford came out in strong a strongly worded defence of his study, however, claiming that journalists used these techniques to sell more papers, special interest groups to get funds and politicians and the legislature to generate work for themselves. “I mean they need to keep making up new laws or else half of them would be unemployed. And let’s be honest, we’ve probably got enough laws already and the new ones we get don’t work very well anyway. We’d probably just do better applying the existing ones more intelligently”

As Mr Clifford was driven from his office by politicians, civil servants and journalists jabbing sharpened sticks at him, Tony Blair moved to assure the public that things really were as bad as they were being told. “After all” he explained, “if they weren’t, Parliament would be completely irrelevant to most people, wouldn’t it?”

Author’s note: Tony Blair’s government at this stage was moving enthusiastically into improving society by regulation and targets, rather than actually changing things in ways that might do good, but upset voters. A trend that continues to this day. This seemed a logical extension of that idea. I just didn’t expect it to be taken up so enthusiastically by the Chinese Government.

The Government has announced that in an effort to crack down on juvenile crime and provide a safer environment, in future they would be licensing children. Anyone wishing to have children will have to apply for a “child-test” and pass a set of rigorous exams to exercise “parenting skills, discipline and allegiance to the rule of law and Her Majesty’s Government – but especially the allegiance to Her Majesty’s Government bit”

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, standing with his family on the steps of Downing Street and holding four, freshly-minted “offspring permits” explained the thinking behind the new system. “We are not trying to limit the fecundity of the populace. However, with freedom comes responsibility and in future we shall ensure that only those who will make responsible parents will be allowed to have children. And furthermore, those with children displaying anti-social behaviour will have those children impounded and possibly distributed to more suitable parents”

Mr. Blair claimed that the move had been forced on the Government by the “utter lawlessness of most kids today”. He also explained that the laws of economics must be applied, although only in a “caring and compassionate way, obviously”. “If a child grows up and gets a job they contribute to society but if they run around bashing grannies over the head and pinching mobile phones they are a cost to society. By making sure that only suitable people can have children we will simultaneously reduce crime, halt population growth, cut unemployment benefit and help the elderly by providing a population of radiant, happy workers contributing to the pension pool,” he finished, his eyes flashing Prime Ministerial zealotry.

Iain Duncan Smith however stated his immediate opposition to the scheme claiming it was fundamentally flawed and would be create a society of mindless, Government supporting zombies. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of it when we were in power” he lamented as his four children were removed from his care to be “managed” by Alastair Campbell.

The Government however denied that the move was an overreaction that would create massive social unrest. “Just look at the huge waiting lists for couples wanting to adopt children,” claimed a spokesman. “This move will create thousands of new Government sponsored orphans at a stroke. We will also be seeking to privatise the service as soon as possible and utilise existing web-based baby adoption facilities, thereby creating a new export industry and generating excellent revenues.” He also announced that a number of seized children would be made available on a rental basis for busy executives couples who wanted the fulfilment of having a child, but didn’t want the emotional commitment, massive time investment or mess and discomfort associated with producing them yourself. The newly created Battersea Child’s Home would provide a repository of the most winsome and appealing children who would be available for rent and marketed seasonally with slogans such as “Our kids are for Christmas, not for life”.

As the first child collection units began to make their way through the streets and the queues of childless couples clutching their Labour membership cards waited for the first consignment of Kids-U-Like, Mr. Blair looked across the streets spread his arms and declared “Suffer the children and bring them unto me. Now who wants this lovely young orphan? A bargain at £100 per day.”

Author’s note.: This was another one of my articles promoting free-trade and globalisation – an unpopular cause then and even more so now, despite it’s ability to lift the vast majority of humanity out of poverty. But still, don’t let a few facts get in the way of ideology. Tom declared it boring and unfunny, but I rather liked the idea of a group of finance directors abseiling down Nelson’s Column unfurling a banner reading “Ralph Nader’s a lying bag of shit.”

A group representing the 50 largest companies in the world confirmed that they would be dropping positive marketing techniques currently used by the industry and switching to a system consisting of “lies, poor science and slagging off anyone who disagrees with us.”

A spokesman for the group, Alastair Liddle-Tomkins, explained that market research revealed that despite years of advertising featuring happy smiley people and promoting optimism, most people still assumed that multinationals were a bunch a “rapacious, lying toe-rags who would skin their own Mothers alive if they thought it would make them a buck.” Contrarily, people identified protesting groups with struggle, honesty and abstinence, no matter how many times they were shown to have lied, exaggerated or simply made up a convenient fact. Research also confirmed that people are born pessimists who are more enthusiastic about doom than joy.

“Showing people a positive image does nothing to help, so we have decided to adopt the same tactics as the protestors,” Mr Liddle-Tomkins said. He then went on to outline some of the initial campaigns that the group would be undertaking. “We shall start with a pro-Globalisation riot in the centre of London sometime in the next couple of months. We shall be setting up a series of covert websites to advertise the event and shall be taxiing in the well heeled from around the country to take part. Whilst we abhor the use of violence we believe that it may be necessary to make our point and so we have hired a Milwall ‘Firm’ with our members adopting a consultative and management role rather than actually carrying out hands-on disruption. Initial trials with Sir John Browne, chief executive of BP, standing behind a group of skinheads shouting, ‘Go on hit him! And again, but this time kick him in the nuts’ have proved very successful.”

Other techniques that the group has taken from the protestors include the use of “Highly selective statistics whereby we will pull out a single number from many thousands and claim that it is the representative one. New Labour have been able to provide us with a lot of advice on this”. Mr Liddle-Tomkins was also enthusiastic about bad-mouthing and belittling the competition. “Frankly, anyone can see that Greenpeace are a bunch of lying, drug-addled hippies who have never done an honest days work in their lives and use anti-whale hunting protests as an excuse for a nice sunny holiday where you can buy cheap hash. And what about the environmental conferences? You never hear of one being organised in Scunthorpe, do you? They’re always in bloody Costa-Rica or Thailand”

The use of “daft stunts” is also being planned with a number of finance directors planning to abseil down Nelson’s Column unfurling a banner reading “Ralph Nader’s a lying bag of shit.” A not-free festival is also being organised for the summer where activists will gather in traditional clothing and eat lukewarm food in the pouring rain whilst listening to an eclectic set of music. “Actually it’s just the usual Glyndebourne festival” confirmed Mr Liddle-Tomkins “But we’ll make sure that we shove in a couple of incoherent speeches promoting globalisation during the concert this year”

For Greenpeace, Charles Secret, expressed dismay at the tactics adopted by the multi-nationals. “This really isn’t fair” he wailed. “I mean if they carry on slagging me off like this, I’ll never get that lucrative new job as an environmental advisor to Shell when I’ve finished with this bunch of deadbeats”