Author’s note: I wondered if I’d kept a copy of this. We used to get a lot of submissions from readers and they usually weren’t very good. However, this one had a single paragraph that survived after I rewrote (or “polished”) it – the one about Lewis Collins. I liked it, but Tom didn’t and it never made the cut.

Following on from its announcement of the deployment of a further of 1700 Royal Marine commandos in Afghanistan, the Government confirmed today that it had issued call-up papers to a number of leading thespians who would spearhead a tactical actorly assault on the region. Amongst celebrities recalled to military service so far are Lewis Collins, Sean Bean, Robson Greene and Jerome Flynn.

Collins, veteran hard man of cult 70’s TV series ‘the Professionals’, portrayed an SAS captain in the 1980 film ‘Who Dares Wins’. The realism of his performance won plaudits from within the military and it is thought that this was a contributing factor to his call up yesterday. Collins, who was recently performing in pantomime at Brighton, was unavailable for comment, although his agent announced that Mr Collins was ‘growing a new pair of sideburns’ in anticipation. On the washing line at the rear of Collins’ home could be seen a freshly washed black balaclava and shoulder holster, alongside his trademark black polo neck jumper. Shouts of `Go! Go! Go!’ could be heard from inside.

Sheffield hard man Sean Bean portrayed SAS soldier Andy McNab in the film of McNab’s bestseller ‘Bravo Two Zero’. He also won awards for his performance as Napoleonic soldier, Richard Sharpe, in the highly regarded TV series of the well-known books. Military plans have been made for Bean, a self styled ‘bit of rough’, to seduce Taliban leaders’ wives in efforts to obtain vital intelligence, before nobly leading a squad of faceless extras previously seen in ‘A History of Britain’ to be brutally slaughtered in battle on Afghanistan’s plains.

Robson Greene and Jerome Flynn, of ‘Soldier Soldier’ fame, have also been called up, with the boot faced Jerome being made Sergeant to Greene’s Captain. This is expected generate a suitable dramatic tension between them, particularly when they both clash over the love of a beautiful aid worker, to be played by Amanda Holden. The group are hoping to be deployed in the forthcoming `Operation Bittersweet’, where their ability to mix light drama, music and adultery, with a touch of pathos, is hoped to be a major asset.

However, it is believed that plans for retaliation by the Taliban are already underway. A number of “celebrity sleepers” have been placed in Western countries and are currently being activated. The first outrage took place outside a Mosque in Birmingham last night, when Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, was seen to walk into a popular local bar, pull out an acoustic guitar from under his coat and launch into a version of ‘Morning has Broken’. Terrified victims fled only to be confronted by a group of Mullahs outside the bar singing an acapella version of the song “Feelings”.

Tony Blair denied reports that the actors call up was simply a gimmick designed to raise an upswelling of patriotism to distract the country from domestic issues. Appearing on the floor of the House of Commons dressed in a suit of armour and wearing a crown he explained, “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of Edinburgh. Oh bugger, can you prompt me Alastair, darling?”

Author’s note: Zimbabwe was holding corrupt elections and it was Oscar time. What better opportunity than to combine the two? I was rather pleased with this, but Tom completely rewrote it. Plus ca change.

A surprised president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed today that Robert Mugabe had “totally cleaned up” at the 2002 Oscar ceremony and won over 15 awards including Best Actor, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay and Best Serial Dictator, a category previously not seen at the Academy. Mr. Frank Pierson confirmed that an immediate inquiry had been launched to establish whether “corrupt voting practices” were to blame. “If they are, we will adopt the same robust position as the Commonwealth and chuck him out of the Academy in the hope that if we ignore him, he’ll just go away”.

The news follows on the back of revelations that the Oscar ceremony had already descended into a murky world of vote-trading, smear campaigns and voter intimidation. It is believed that in an attempt to influence the fortunes of his own films David Geffen of Dreamworks hired “some guys who know all about this stuff” from the Zanu PF party to act as “Oscar marketing consultants”. However, it now appears that these advisors were unable to do anything to help Dreamworks’ execrable output and simply resorted to type, adopting the slogan “Vote Mugabe”

Reports that the Glitterati of Hollywood had been herded into a large stadium by “film veterans” and forced to register their votes for Mr Mugabe have been categorically denied by him. However, a distraught Ron Howard has condemned the tactics used by Zanu PF as the worst he has ever seen “except for the ones adopted by Miramax, obviously”. However, other academicians were more favourable with Russell Crowe commenting wittily that “If it means I don’t have to sit through 5 hours of twats blubbing and thanking their Mothers, that’s fine by me. They can keep their fucking Oscars the fucking bunch of fuckers.”

Following on from Mr. Mugabes success at the Oscars it was announced that Zanu PF would be moving into film production full time. “We want to be seen as serious film makers” explained Didymus Mutasa, formerly Zanu PF’s secretary for external relations, wearing a cap, plus fours and clutching a megaphone and an Agfa ‘Moviematic’ Super 8 camera. “We expect to attract all the best Hollywood talent and will not be making political statements but providing wholesome entertainment that the entire family can enjoy.” The first film, “Robert Mugabe – My Struggle”, will feature Denzel Washington as Mr Mugabe and Alan Rickman as Tony Blair with Jeremy Irons as Ian Smith. “I wanted to make my portrayal of Ian Smith as realistic as possible,” explained Mr Irons. “So I am grateful to Mr Mugabe for his insight and guidance regarding Mr. Smith’s character. I hadn’t realised that when he was Prime Minister he wore a monocle, insisted on dressing in black and bought a large white Persian cat to every cabinet meeting. I was also unaware of his secret underground lair hidden in the centre of the Chimanimani Mountains.”

Mr. Mugabe denied he was adopting the “tactics of the despot” and simply making propaganda films to further idolise him. “It’s rubbish” he claimed “In fact, I guarantee that my films will have the same levels of realism, accuracy and impartiality as any produced in Hollywood”

Author’s note: I am no more likely to go hunting than I am to go naked salsa dancing in Iran. I hate hunting. But I also know people who don’t and I am aware that foxes are cruel hunters that can horribly kill and injure a wide variety of wildlife. It is legal to destroy them and hunting seems as effective a method as any other, possibly less cruel or dangerous than shooting, poison, snares etc. So despite my personal dislike, I could see no logical or moral reason to ban it. The people who wanted to ban it seemed to object to the ceremony and the type of people who liked hunting. In many ways, it was the start of the Brexit dilemma, where the people outside London rebelled against being told what to do by those in London. Also, it was a great opportunity for me to slag off the hypocrisy of cat owners

Following bitter divisions between MP’s and complaints from the House of Lords and countryside groups, the Government has drafted a set of proposals that it hopes will enable it to offer a “third way” between blood sports and their abolition. Denying charges of political cowardice, the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, explained that whilst he personally “disliked hunting, the countryside and all that awful mud”, he felt that “simple country folk” should be offered a way to release their “obvious homicidal instincts probably caused by lack of access to a decent theatre, restaurant or wine bar”.

Mr Blair claimed that the proposals had been drawn up with the full consultation of people who understood the countryside, including “my gardener, the owner of the local plant nursery and, of course, Peter Mandelson, who loves nothing more than a good yomp through the countryside in his Range Rover”. The first alternative to hunting with dogs is to offer hunting with cats. “Cats are nature’s cruellest hunters and are likely to provide hours of entertainment for spectators as they play mercilessly with their prey before killing it. Furthermore, as most suburban anti-hunt protestors own a cat and don’t have a problem with them massacring millions of wild birds and mammals a year, they can’t very well bleat about them being used for hunting, can they?” When questioned about whether a cat would be able to subdue a fox, Mr. Blair admitted that the plan assumed “slightly larger cats than one normally finds in a domestic environment” but claimed that Longleat and Regents Park would be able to supply some suitable animals for early trials.

It was also announced that a new field sport would be introduced based on “marine mechanisms for pest control”. “We shall be employing a number of Norwegian Seal Clubbers to teach our local hunts how to despatch vermin with the use of a traditional ‘Knockenheadin’. Norwegian champion head-basher Sven Svensson explained “Beating foxes to death with clubs will provide an ideal replacement for the barbaric practice of using dogs – it’s effective, it’s humane and, let’s face it, it’s great fun. What could present a better picture of the rural idyll than a gaggle of rosy-cheeked children cheerfully beating a terrified animal to death. Just look at how it’s helped the Norwegian tourist industry”

Mr Blair did, however, deny that the Government was considering allowing dog hunting using foxes. “Frankly, the initial trials weren’t very successful,” he admitted. “It was unfortunate that the Queen Mother was visiting that day, but still, I’m sure she won’t miss a couple of those Corgis”

On being asked why people couldn’t just carry on destroying foxes as vermin in the countryside the way they always had done, Mr. Blair responded angrily “That’s not the point. Chasing a fox mercilessly across terrain and killing it with a pack of dogs is clearly much crueller than chasing it mercilessly across terrain and shooting it and I can’t abide cruelty. Just ask Stephen Byers”

Author’s note: Poor Winona went mad and got caught shoplifting and never really recovered. This was a news in brief article that took the mickey, whilst also highlighting her feud with Gwynnie.

A distraught and tearful Winona Ryder was led away from the 2002 Oscar ceremony by security guards after being caught in possession an Oscar statuette believed to belong to Gwyneth Paltrow. Ms. Paltrow had bought the statuette in “to show her friend Winona just how pretty it was up close, as Noni hadn’t had the opportunity of handling one before”. As Ms. Paltrow disappeared to the ladies room to apply some “no-run” mascara, Ryder was seen to slip the statue under the hem of her “voluminous” dress that she later claimed to be wearing as it was “vintage St. Laurent”. Ms. Ryder then wandered off with her hands in her pockets, whistling ostentatiously. When confronted by security, she claimed she was “simply keeping the poxy thing safe and it was hers anyway as she was the first to have been offered the ‘Shakespeare in Love’ role which that bitch Paltrow had stolen from her”. A subsequent search revealed that Ms. Ryder was also wearing fifteen other dresses ‘with the labels removed’ and had twenty-two other Oscar statuettes, fifteen bottles of champagne and the entire cast of Riverdance secreted under her outfit.

Author’s note: Louis XIV’S finance minister, Jean-Baptiste Colbert, famously declared that “the art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing.” And yet people always want higher spending (especially on the NHS) and enthusiastically endorse higher taxes, just for everybody else. Add to that the perverse incentives within the Civil Service to measure your importance by your budget, and you have an ongoing recipe for complaint.

Outraged taxpayers launched an all out war on Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s budget proposals today. Rodney de Plume, described as “an exceedingly rich but jolly hard working fifth generation land owner”, attacked the “profits” made by what he called “an unregulated financial monopoly – the UK treasury”. He demanded that competition be introduced to the tax market allowing businesses and individuals to select different tax regimes offering different levels of public service. “I can afford my own private hospital, fully equipped and staffed with devoted Asian nurses,” explained Mr. de Plume. “So why the Hell should I pay the Government to provide me with some grotty hovel in the centre of Birmingham?”

Derek Gadd, a self-employed plumber from Bermondsey, agreed and spoke for many when he lamented “When I said I wanted higher spending on the NHS, I never expected it to be paid for by me. I mean, I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously when I said I’d be prepared to pay higher taxes in return for better public services. I just assumed they’d hammer fat cats like Rupert Murdoch.” When the Brains Trust contacted Mr. Murdoch to see whether Mr. Brown’s extra penny on National Insurance would affect him, there appeared to be a loud, spluttering guffaw at the other end of the phone. Mr. Murdoch then revealed that he had not paid any taxes since 1978 and even that was a mistake after he’d discovered he couldn’t claim back the VAT on a Mars Bar which he’d purchased and lost the receipt

Gordon Brown reacted angrily to the attacks on his budget and claims that the Government would simply fritter the money away. Mr. Brown thundered that “This Government will not waste the taxpayers hard earned money on spin. We are committed to saving the NHS not deluding the public with cheap gimmicks and tricks”. He went on to illustrate his point by holding a pink piggy bank in one hand and a large hammer in the other whilst standing over a dying patient, Mr. Alex Rowe, in his hospital bed surrounded by a large group of “unusually pretty” nurses. “What would these people want me to do? Save the pig or save the patient?” Mr. Brown then started waving the hammer between the pig and Mr. Rowe’s head chanting “Pig? Patient? Pig? Patient?” and with a final flourish he announced “Let the patient live!” and brought the hammer down on the piggy bank as he showered Mr. Rowe and the nurses with “oodles and oodles of lovely cash”

Mr. Brown, accompanied by his press secretary, treasury secretary and 3 administrative assistants “to carry all our stuff”, also went on to explain how taxpayer’s money would not be wasted on “pointless paperwork”. “Even though most people will hardly miss the piddlingly small amounts of tax we collect, we shall be instituting hundreds of new performance measures and large numbers of new review bodies to ensure the money is being spent as efficiently as possible. We shall be recruiting hundreds of new auditors to make sure that the extra money in the Health Service is not being frittered away on administrators and managers. By ensuring that doctors are under constant supervision and have many more review forms to complete we can make sure that they are not wasting their time on administration but getting on with the real job of tending the sick.”

Iain Duncan Smith, however, attacked the budget and claimed that that the Conservatives would definitely abolish taxes when they came to power. He categorically denied that he was simply “making up any old rubbish” as they didn’t have a chance of getting in power and claimed that the Conservatives had adopted a pragmatic approach in response to voters concerns. “We shall be replacing tax with the Government Loyalty Card scheme whereby people will gain ‘Torypoints’ for each day worked and these can be bartered for public services when the consumer needs them. People in vital industries such as nurses or teachers would even get double bonus points with extra airmiles” he added, whilst being egged on by Oliver Letwin and Michael Howard with the words of “Nice idea, boss”.

The Prime Minister, however, declared the Tory’s scheme unworkable and claimed that the public would see through their “lies”. “The British public knows this Government is committed to getting the right levels of investment in the health service. After all, if this buggers up the rest of the economy, we’ll need a good hospital when the electorate get their hands on us”

Author’s note: There was a campaign against forced marriages, and I wondered if you could write a silly article where useless men felt they’d been forced into marriage by their mother’s or girlfriends. Despite many rewrites it always ended up sounding like an extended mother-in-law joke, so it was quietly dropped

Countries from across the globe launched a set of initiatives to protect the status of marriage today. Within Europe, the EU declared a set of decrees designed to outlaw “forced” marriages. However within the US, President Bush announced that to reduce the number of single parent families, marriage would be encouraged via a set of tax breaks, insurance incentives and a new Federal body known as “the White House dating agency”. “We’re not calling it forced marriage” claimed Mr. Bush “We’re just saying that if you want your kids to get access to healthcare, schooling and not have their middle name compulsory changed to ‘Bastard’, you better get yourself hitched”

The new dating agency will be carefully regulated to introduce compatible heterosexual couples and will offer a full service from “first date to marriage”, a process estimated to take “about 4 hours”. John Ashcroft, the new agency’s head explained “Clearly we want to make sure these kids get along but we don’t want to give them the opportunity to have sexual congress before they are joined together in the eyes of the Lord”. It is understood that a number of anti-passion devices will be on hand to limit any lustful situations encountered by the couple. These are thought to include a bucket of cold water, a brass band practising in an adjacent room and a photo of the girl’s mother looking “stern and disapproving”

Within Europe, the UK is the first to announce its plans and David Blunkett explained that he would be concentrating on the problem of forced marriages. “Clearly we are not against arranged marriages” explained Mr. Blunkett to an empty auditorium after he had been pointed in the wrong direction by Stephen Byers. “I will seek to differentiate between these and forced marriages by personally interviewing every candidate that wishes to embark on this type of arrangement. I will be assessing their suitability based on their smell, tone of voice and ability to answer an inane question with a salacious bon mot. Mr Blunkett then went onto introduce “3 lovely lasses who like a laugh” encouraging a welder from Blackburn to consider “Number 2” with the advice “Go on. She smells lovely!”

However, a support group has demanded that more is done to help the “victims of coercion”. An activist for the Men Against Marriage Association (MAMA), Martin Blackburn, claimed that the “the cruel and archaic practice of marriage” should be completely outlawed thereby freeing men to do what they do best “namely nothing”

“Most men in Western countries have been forced into marriage” explained Mr Blackburn. “They can dress it up how they like, but men are given no choice in the matter. It’s either no freedom or no nookie. I stood my ground for ages. I set up a support group ‘Celibates against Celibacy’ offering group rates for members and their right hands. But it was no good. After a while my Mother and girlfriend told me I had to get married and I knew that my time was up. If I said no, I’d never get a roast meal again.”

Mr Blackburn went on to explain how the barbaric practice of husbands hurling themselves onto sacred pyres still existed. “It’s particularly prevalent in the summer when men are expected to light these things and make burnt offerings. The number of victims we’ve got with no eyebrows or unnaturally high foreheads is frightening” he claimed. “And don’t get me started on male circumcision.”

Mr Blackburn finished by demanding more action and stating that MAMA would release a full manifesto for freedom “Just as soon as my wife has gone to work”

Author’s note: Microsoft launched the X-box and Tom demanded a story to cover it. I wrote this and was really pleased with it, but he went with his own story about a seek-and-destory X-box. This was published the following week, and still seems pretty relevant.

In a surprise move today Bill Gates appeared in Gaza City today to announce that Microsoft would be launching its new X-Box terminal as the solution to the Israeli-Palestine conflict. “It’s clear that all these guys want to do is to kick the shit out of each other and with the new X-box console they can do it in virtual hyper reality without leaving the comfort of their own armchair”

Bill Gates was taking part in a unique demonstration of the new games console featuring a networking death-kill game especially written for the X-Box entitled “Die Filthy Scum”. The player has the opportunity to be either a “courageous Israeli soldier” or a “heroic Palestinian freedom fighter”. Apart from the names there is no difference in either of the two characters and both are equipped with similar amounts of weapons, hate and disregard for innocent victims and children. The object of the game is to slaughter as many people from the other side as possible. Bud Crench, head games designer for Microsoft, explained the rules. “Well there aren’t any really. You just try and kill everyone in the opposing camp. Although you get extra points for coming up with good excuses like “That five year old walked towards me in a threatening manner” or “He insulted Allah by urinating in a public convenience facing Mecca”

Both Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon have welcomed the intervention of Microsoft in the conflict, although both have expressed concerns that “it just wont be the same unless you can feel the recoil of the gun against your shoulder”. The effect of the launch was immediately visible in the Gaza strip with the streets becoming cleared within hours and the sounds of computer generated explosions being heard from every household. Assaf Miyara, a corporal in the Israeli Forces, commented “It’s great! I’ve already massacred 15 children and destroyed at least 30 houses with the elderly and the infirm inside”. Form within his flat in Gaza City, Mustapha Husain, a member of Hamas agreed, “The infidels are falling like nine pins” he explained delightedly. “Look! Look at this” he yelled as a computer generated suicide bomber blew himself up in a children’s party.

Within the US, the Government gave a cautious welcome to the X-Box solution, but expressed concern that the prevalence of violent games consoles now meant that teenagers were better equipped to fight a war than most soldiers. “I’ve got my ass whooped 15 times by this little shit” confirmed an exasperated Colin Powell after another defeat at the game “Gulf War Invasion!” by his nephew Errol. “I’m going to get Schwarzkopf and show this sucker the meaning of a Desert Storm”

Within Israel, as night settled, the few remaining peace campaigners could be seen huddled round a number of X-Boxes. “It’s a new game called Peace in our Time” explained Joel Esteron looking up from the console. “But we can’t seem to make it work”

Author’s note: This news in brief article seems rather quaint now, I was outraged by the USA slapping tariffs on steel imports. Now look at where we are

The US announced a series of measures today to help kick start the World economy and avoid recession in “the key voting areas of the US”. The initiative entitled “Fuck the lot of you” comprises of a series tarrifs and import duties designed to cripple the key industries of developing nations. “This is an important step to help protect our mighty steel industry.” explained George Bush. “The fact that it is a tiny part of the US economy, will cause huge amounts of damage to our trading relations with other countries and probably tip the third world into recession is a tough call. But fortunately as none of those guys can vote in the US, I don’t give a stuff”. Mr Bush finished by announcing a further set of initiatives about to be launched to help world trade including tax breaks for any overseas company producing American flags, subsidies for performance enhancing drugs to help the US win even more medals and a special fund to support the writing of patriotic songs.

Author’s note: Zimbabwe was still a member of the Commonwealth, despite the most egregious human rights violations, whilst at the same time the world started to prepare for the invasion of another country

Stung by criticism from around the world of their weak response to the crisis in Zimbabwe, Commonwealth countries have issued a tough new set of sanctions against the regime that “will let Mugabe know exactly how we feel about him”

Speaking on behalf of the Commonwealth, John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, announced that the new sanctions would be tough on the power-brokers of Zimbabwe but easy on the people. “Banning Mugabe from the fish course at the next Commonwealth Conference dinner will be real hard for him. You should have seen him tucking into that Sea Bass, tonight.” he commented. “And reducing the Zimbabwean Government officials cash withdrawal limit from $5,000,000 to $2,000,000 from any Swiss ATM will really cause problems. We’re already hearing stories of horrendous queues backing up in Zurich” Mr Howard then went on to read out the full set of sanctions which appeared to be written on the back of a menu from “Chi-Li’s ‘Hot’ Lap Dancing Bar and Grill”. “Other sanctions will include banning Harare United from the UK Football Premiership League, restricting the sale of hair-care products to the country and – what does that say Thabo? I can’t read your writing, mate – Oh yes – aid money can only be spent on armaments manufactured by a fellow Commonwealth country. Now try and tell me those aren’t going to sting”

An outraged President Mugabe denounced the sanctions as racist and claimed that he would never accept them. “I was really looking forward to the potted shrimp” he spluttered “And clearly this a ploy to help Manchester United avoid the mighty footballers of Harare”. On being asked why the Zimbabwean representative at the Commonwealth had voted for the sanctions himself and had been seen “laughing and dancing with glee” shortly after the result, he explained that “the dance was a tribal curse and I’ll get back to you about the laughing bit later, after I’ve had some more time to think about it”.

The EU has been generally been supportive of the sanctions and is also considering launching its own set of ‘smart sanctions’ against Iraq. President Jacques Chirac announced that France would be unilaterally implementing a set of sanctions, which would include “restricting Iraq to the import of only 75 varieties of cheese and only allowing them to sell wine from second growth Bordeaux vineyards. In addition, he was happy to announce a new humanitarian trading regime which would involve France supplying Iraq with 15 brand spanking new nuclear power stations so it would be able to cope with the forthcoming oil shortage that French economists have predicted to arrive “sometime in the next couple of months.”

The US however has declined to join in with the new sets of sanctions. “Our approach is to go the other way” explained President George Bush. “Instead of denying these countries access to American good and services we shall be exporting them to the heart of these regimes. We’re just getting ready our first consignment of thermonuclear weapons for dropping on Baghdad anytime now”

Author’s note: Ken Livingstone. The gift that kept on giving, although in this case I don’t think the article was published as Tom felt the subject was becoming dull.

Sightings around the world of apparitions resembling Ken Livingstone have led his followers to predict that he will shortly “rise again” and move amongst the population in a mysterious way “to save the world”. Mr Livingstone, who has not been seen in his recognised form of a politician since his election to Mayor in 2000, had been widely reported to have “died and gone to Hell” and it was believed impossible that he could come back to life.

The first recent sightings were recorded in an Orthodox Church on the outskirts of Minsk, Belarus. A statue within the church was transmogrified to a figure resembling Mr. Livingstone and was seen to step down from its pedestal proclaiming, “Verily, shall I turn thy water into wine and I shall quaff unstintingly for as long as the public doth pay me to.” Within Palestine, at an ancient Christian Monastery, worshippers have flocked to a strange painting on the walls similar to Mr. Livingstone that has been reported to declare: “The public-private partnership is the work of Satan who is known as Blair. Thou shalt forsake it.”

Mr Livingstone was originally hailed as a great prophet and Messiah for the City of London. He acquired several high-profile followers, such as Chris Evans, who agreed to hand over their riches to the cause of Livingstaniaty. However, after his adoring public proclaimed him their saviour, the council of Labour Party cast him out as an unbeliever and it was decreed that Mr. Livingstone would be consigned to spend his time in the wilderness. He wandered around the barren halls of Romney House where he became tempted by the forces of Capitalism. Appearances throughout London of a “Livingstone-like figure” clutching bottles of Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1990 and proclaiming he was a star “just like a Hollywood one” were seen as confirmation that he had succumbed to temptation and become yet another born-again capitalist.

However, the recent apparitions are being hailed by the Cult of the Groovy Messiah, formerly known as the Socialist Workers Party of Islington, as proof-positive that Mr. Livingstone is not “as dead as a nail”. Bob Crowe, previously the General Secretary of the RMT Union but now known as ‘Holy Bob – The People’s Pope’, claimed “We have seen the true Ken and he is awaiting the time that he shall be born again. He has moved unto the Unions and given us the ability to speak in ancient tongues not heard since the 1970’s.” At this point Mr Crowe fell to his knees and proclaimed “Verily, he is flitting between this world and the next like a very holy moth. The claims by the unbelievers of Ken roaming the streets courting City bankers and spending his time in posh restaurants, sleeping with top Lib Dem totty are the work of Satan – or at least the right wing media. It is obvious that he has been tested mightily but will now return to us to imbue the Capital with the spirit of socialism”

An encounter between a phantasm resembling Mr. Livingstone and a Brains Trust reporter at the Vatican confirmed that Mr. Livingstone does intend to return from the dead back to public life. “I shall deliver unto the people a tube system that shall get them from one end of the city to the other without major delays, huge ticket prices or conking out on a regular basis. After all, they’ll crucify me if I don’t”