Author’s note: This was never published as Tom either felt it was too frivolous or not frivolous enough. And so, once more, my Ground Force Jihad idea would have to wait.

Donald Rumsfield announced today that the US would move to the next stage of the processing of Al Qaeda prisoners held in camp X-Ray by starting their deprogramming and rehabilitation. “It seems pointless to lock up large numbers of psychopathic mass-murderers when they could be fulfilling a useful role in society” explained Mr Rumsfeld, toying playfully with a very large gun that “his Mom got him for his Birthday”. “After all”, he continued, “we would never have got a man on the moon if we hadn’t used Werner Von Braun and his Nazi rocket technology.”

Initial trial have already begun with the Al Qaeda members undergoing a careful assessment and then being matched to appropriate jobs. The first unit has now been working for several weeks in the Denver Parking Violation hit squad. A group of ten Afghan veterans tour the streets of Denver looking for illegally parked vehicles which they then clear by launching Russian A0-301 Bazooka Missiles at them. “I really enjoy my work” claimed Shaheen Rambandazi, the leader of the group, “It’s great to feel you’re giving something back to the community”. Local resident, Brian D Cobb, Jr. agreed “These guys have really helped keep the streets clear of problem autos. And they cut you a lot more slack than the previous parking attendants. When my neighbour double-parked outside the local liquor store, these guys gave him a ten second start before they went after him. Hell, he never made it, but there’s no way he’d have escaped without an on-the-spot fine from those last sons of bitches”

Several ex-combatants have also been employed in Philadelphia on a trial basis as elevator attendants. Guests at the Pyramid club, the highest restaurant in Pennsylvania, are greeted with a cheery “God is great” followed by a reassuring “Going up!” as the door clangs shut and the high speed elevator rockets them to their destination under the steady control of a former Taliban Warlord. Wal-Mart has also welcomed a group to help with the training programme for its checkout staff. “These guys really understand customer service” claimed H Lee Scott, chief executive officer, as several ex-Taliban fighters shouting “Kill the Infidel” chased a shoplifter from the store and beat him to death on the sidewalk. “We’ve seen a 50% drop in stock-outs and stolen items since these guys came on the case. They really understand the US culture of an eye for an eye and they know how to handle a variety of guns – many of which are on clearout sale in our stores”

Attempts to rehabilitate prisoners in other countries have proved less successful, however. In the UK, the BBC production of “Ground Force Jihad – The Holy War on Weeds” was cancelled after a misunderstanding in language led to the fighters razing Leeds to the ground. However, the Government has proved more successful at acclimatising the Afghans by employing them as spin-doctors. Alastair Campbell, the Prime Minister’s Director of Communications, surrounded by five heavily bearded ‘advisors’ carrying Kalashnikovs and wearing a variety of eye-patches and false limbs, explained “These people are the scum of the earth. They are completely amoral bullies who delight in inflicting pain and torture on helpless individuals and humiliating weaker members of the team. In short, they have the perfect credentials to make them successful political advisors. Isn’t that right, Jo?”

Author’s note: Another article from the News in Brief section inspired by my profound dislike of Jazz.

Distraught jazz fans were reeling in shock after a study confirmed that every jazz performance since 1963 had been of the same piece of music played at different speeds. The piece, believed to be My Funny Valentine, was originally performed by the Chet Baker ensemble as part of its regular repertoire. As Mr. Baker succumbed to drink and drug abuse it emerged that it was the only piece he could actually remember and that he “couldn’t be bothered” to learn any new pieces. Other performers believed this to represent an innovative approach to modern jazz and mimicked Mr. Baker, filling large parts of their performance with entirely random notes or “any old rubbish” that came into their heads. One of the legendary recordings by Miles Davis, “Blue in Green”, actually includes 15 minutes of Mr. Davis “doing the vacuuming” around his New York apartment. Jazz quartets are now scrabbling to try and develop new pieces of music but are expecting that this could take several years, as they have all been too stoned to notice any other songs. Performers have also been dismayed to learn from the study that none of their audience actually listens to any of their music and only attend live performances because of the late bar opening.

Author’s note: Every government needs its plonker. We currently have Chris Grayling, a man so incompetent that he managed to enter a two horse race and come third. But New Labour had Stephen Byers.

Beleaguered Transport Minister Stephen Byers denied reports that he had been given the nickname “Jonah” and was now being linked to every major catastrophe in the world. Issuing a statement from Salt Lake City where he had just finished his coaching session with Clarissa Slocombe-Bell, the British ‘jumping headfirst off a cliff’ finalist, shortly before she fell to her death from a hotel balcony, he claimed “I have the full support of my colleagues Peter Mandelson and Keith Vaz. These are people who have valued my advice over the years and are happy to confirm that they have me to thank for their career progression”

Investigation by the Brains Trust into several recent disasters has revealed a number of suspicious events. In a sound recording of the moments before Chernobyl exploded, a voice very similar to Mr Byers can clearly be heard saying “Oops. I think I’ve just sat on that large red button. I’m sorry, I thought it was a cushion”. Blurred photographs of a Peugeot entering the Seine tunnel shortly before Princess Diana crashed have someone very similar in appearance to Mr Byers behind the wheel and driving on the left-hand side of the road. His association with assisting Congolese President Mobutu Sese Seko with his commitment to “pave all of the roads in Goma” shortly before the volcano erupted has also been noted.

A sheaf of leaked memos has also fallen into the hands of the Brains Trust. The first, a letter from Mr Byers to General Galtieri in 1981, advises him that the UK would be “happy to get shot of the Falkland Islands. Just go and take it. No one will give a stuff.” Another, addressed to Mr.Saddam Hussein, Iraq, confirms that “no one would notice if you did invade Kuwait. I’m sure the US will support you in this.”

Mr Byers, however, has come out fighting, explaining that it was ridiculous to associate him with every catastrophe that has happened in the last few years. “I’m telling you those Enron accounts were fine when I was asked to have a look at them” he claimed as he attempted to put out a small fire that had started in the waste-paper bin under his desk. “And I swear that bath I ran for Princess Margaret was nice and cool when I tested it. And as for that nonsense about using a Primus stove on a train in Egypt. That was simply bad luck.” Mr Byers did concede that some of the events did appear to show “a certain unfortunate happenstance.” However, he was sure that his latest plans to “re-introduce the poll tax and provide Government subsidies for tobacco companies, Formula One and foreign steel producers campaigning for the destruction of the British steel industry” would meet with the approval of the British public.

The Conservatives however were quick to heap opprobrium on Mr Byers. “If only I hadn’t listened to the siren voice of Byers and concentrated on domestic issues rather than the Euro, I’d probably be Prime Minister now” claimed a despondent William Hague. Speaking from his cell in the Hague, Slobodan Milosevic claimed that if he had ignored Mr Byers’ ideas on a Greater Serbia and “just stuck to trying to get into the EU like my wife said” he wouldn’t be facing charges of genocide now.

Tony Blair, speaking from a specially reinforced “anti-Byers bunker” as the Department of Transport building burst into flames behind him, explained that Stephen Byers still had his full support. To prove it he had selected him to review the nation’s space transport policy and would be putting him on “the next available shuttle, so he can spend a nice long time in the International Space Station”

Author’s note: Once again, it is amusing to see how history repeats itself, and how quickly. We currently have Dominic Cummings, who is believed to be wholly different from previous political advisors…oh….ah

The entire Civil Service handed itself over to the authorities and demanded political asylum during a flexitime break today. As the whole population of Whitehall crammed into a small Portakabin in Dover, Sir Richard Wilson, head of the civil service, declared that the political corruption and bullying in the country had made their situation untenable. “It is time that we are allowed to live in a place of freedom and democracy without fear of repression, influence or having to work later than 5PM”.

Outside observers have been increasingly alarmed at the heightened ethnic tensions and infighting within the legislature. Two principal ethnic group, political advisors and civil servants have been engaged in vicious memo-to-memo combat and the two leaders, Jo Moore and Martin Sixsmith, have issued bellicose statements encouraging their supporters to take no prisoners. Although, allegedly an impartial observer, the Government has clearly been influencing the combat and providing ammunition to whichever side seemed to have the upper hand. It seems increasingly likely that voters will impose sanctions unless the situation is resolved rapidly.

Further issues are arising as the immigration authorities struggle to cope with a massive influx of inappropriately skilled refugees who must be found a place in the community. Attempts to get the civil servants to perform simple unskilled labour have met with disaster. Press secretaries given jobs as window cleaners have simply stood at the top of the ladder and issued statements on the condition of the window at hourly intervals and set performance targets as to how clean the window will be in 5 years time. Political advisors asked to “collect some litter” have redesignated the litter as “potential recycling material” and claimed that it is now “the Ministry of the Environment’s problem”.

The local community is also up in arms at having to support the former civil servants. “They are freeloaders and scroungers who don’t know what an honest days work is and are living off hard earned taxpayers money” claimed local resident Edna Trugg. When asked by the Brains Trust whether the asylum seekers should be returned to their place of origin and resume their original jobs, a surprised Mrs Trugg explained that she wasn’t aware they’d left them and that was what she’d been talking about.

On a positive note, the sudden reduction in administration and bureaucracy has greatly increased the efficiency of all aspects of the country. Three hundred and seventy two new acts of Parliament that had been backed up for over two years in committee stage have been approved in under 24 hours. Opera companies, farmers and lesbian dance collectives have had to try and survive without government subsidies and have immediately gone bust. The country’s GDP has also risen 23% as a result of not having to pay any taxes.

Within London, joyful housing developers started to construct “modern, light and airy 300 storey tenement blocks” in the centre of Hyde Park and mobs of self appointed “Justice Deliverers” held open air trials and executions of “anyone who knows what the word Paedophile means”. As hospitals eagerly adopted new customer-centric healthcare practices and threw out anyone who hadn’t arrived in a Mercedes, some concerns were expressed as to the absence of the legislature. Tony Blair said that he would be looking into these concerns very carefully just as soon as he’d signed the emergency order appointing himself Lifelong President and Leader of the Empire.

Author’s note: OK – this was written in 2003. Bear that in mind. It almost certainly would be written like this today. That said, there was genuine consternation that a black senior army officer had agreed to serve in George Bush’s government. However, the point of the article was to try and satirise the prevailing view of blacks in the US by the white political class. Then Obabma won!

White House officials reacted with anger today at the decision of Colin Powell to “come out of the closet” during a recent MTV interview and declare that he was ready to “say I’m just as black as the next man. Assuming that person is a black man, obviously”. A clearly aghast Donald Rumsfeld declared “As far as I am concerned he can get right back in the closet and start behaving like a white guy again”

Rumours regarding Mr. Powell’s ethnicity had been circulating Washington for several years now, with several satirical programmes and scandal sheets making veiled references to a “black day” or “dark times ahead” for him. However, Mr. Powell had refused to discuss all matters relating to his pigmentation, deflecting criticism by pointing to his liking for Abba and fondness for cardigans. It is clear, however, that those working closely with Mr. Powell never suspected that he may be really be a black man. A spokesman for the White House maintained that although Mr. Powell “displayed some pretty weird pinko-liberal views, like supporting the use of condoms, we never assumed he’d go this far”.

John Ashcroft, US Attorney General, and long known for his trenchant views on race was amazed at Mr. Powell’s decision to confirm his colour. “He never gave us the slightest cause to doubt. He displayed no interest in rap, he never referred to his wife as a ‘Ho’ and he even looked like a white guy. We expect our black politicians to behave like Al Sharpton or Marion Barry. What the Hell is the point in having stereotypes if people don’t live up to them? I mean what else are we going to find in the Cabinet? Gays? Democrats? Women? It just doesn’t bear thinking about. Hey Condeleeza, honey, can I get a Cappuccino lite, please?”

Black politicians also expressed surprise at Mr. Powell’s declaration. Jesse Jackson was so surprised that he immediately took a vow of silence only breaking it after several minutes of intense personal struggle because “he’d thought of something to say”. “Where was Colin Powell when we needed a role model for our young people? What kind of example is a man who would rather become Joint Chief of Staff and the fourth most powerful man in the country when he could have been grandstanding and speechmaking on the Million Man March”

There is now a real fear within the White House that Mr. Powell could become an activist promoting equal rights. “This could cause real problems for our relationship with business” claimed Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill “I mean have you ever seen the executive board of a major corporation? Most of these people have never met a black guy and that’s exactly how they want to keep it. God knows what this will do to corporate contributions to the Republican Party.”

A solemn George Bush made a brief statement saying that “Despite his ethnic proclivities, Mr. Powell still has my full support. However, I would just remind him that it’s called the ‘White’ House for a reason”.

Author’s note: This was another title suggested by Meg and then written up by me. I was very uncertain about the whole thing, but Tom was adamant that I should write it. Anyway, I’m still not too sure, but it was very popular for some reason

Bewildered leaders of France, Switzerland, and Denmark all have released statements taking exception to George Bush’s declaration that their nations constitute an “axis of cheese” and should undergo an immediate embargo. Mr Bush called upon the United Nations to immediately form a group of “International Cheese Inspectors” and respond to the cheese-threat by deploying a dairy-produce intervention force.

Analysts were wrong footed by Mr Bush’s announcement and were immediately scurrying to find other nations who might be at risk from the embargo. “We were expecting an ‘Evil Empire’ or maybe even a ‘Rogue States’ type list. But cheese – I mean what can you say – we never expected that” said Christiane Amanpour, CNN’s chief international correspondent.

Other countries reacted with a mixture of relief and disappointment at their non-inclusion on the list. Gerhard Schroeder, the Chancellor of Germany, exclaimed “Doesn’t he know that Germany produces some of the World’s finest cheeses? Has he never heard of Weichkaese, Edelpilz or Doppelrhamstufe? This list of cheese-makers is completely arbitrary and excludes Germany and many of its allies in the cheese-production industry – Austria, Hungary and the Czech Republic.” However, Italy declared that as Mozzarella and Parmesan had such widespread use, they could no longer be considered Italian cheeses and Italy should not be considered a cheese-making nation at all. “Pasta’s more our thing, nowadays.” mused Silvio Berlusconi “That and endemic Government corruption”.

The UK however immediately agreed to co-operate with the US and confirmed that it was closing down it’s main cheese making facilities in Cheddar Gorge. Furthermore, it had started extradition hearings for Little Miss Muffit who had been found in possesion of ‘curds and whey’ believed to be the main ingredients of cheese and other ‘cheese making equipment’.

Some countries greeted the list with suspicion, however. North Korea claimed that the creation of an Axis of Cheese was simply a “stupid attempt to undermine real terrorist regimes by making them appear irrelevant.” Kim Jong-il addressed a mass gathering in Pyongyang by declaring “This axis of cheese is designed to make it look like the US is ignoring us and judges us as weak and feeble. Mr Bush should fear us very much. Doesn’t he know we have over a dozen inter-continental nuclear missiles at a base just South of Taebong? Oh. Erm. Hang on. I think that’s supposed to be a secret”

From the Pentagon, George J Tenet confirmed that the US would be publicly pursuing the members of the Axis of Cheese and would provide regular press briefings and escorted trips to the cheese facilities. “We want you guys in the press to keep a close eye on these Cheesemongers. It’s your national duty to make sure that they know that the clear searchlight of democracy shines upon them. That will allow us in the CIA to concentrate on less important things – like interrogating Taliban prisoners”

Author’s note: I loved this article and it is particularly apt at the moment.

Several hundred self-appointed experts in microbiology, bacteriology and virology today raised concerns over the affect the MMR vaccine could have on children’s development. The group, made up entirely of middle-class parents who had “read an article in the Daily Mail” or “heard something at the Health Club and Organic Brasserie down the road”, issued a robust statement criticising the Government’s health policy which was immediately endorsed by the Conservative Party.

The group are lead by Dr Armistice De’Jeune whose research into MMR was prompted by the experience of his own son proving to be “a bit of a thicko at school”. Dr De’Jeune explained that prior to having the MMR vaccine at 3 years old, his son, Torquil, had been “bright and alert and clearly much more gifted than other children, especially those of my brother St. John and his lovely-bloody wife Tara with their detached house in Richmond and double income from their investment banking jobs”. After the vaccine, Dr DeJeune’s son started to attend school where he displayed an unhealthy interest in flatulence and routinely came bottom of the class. “This is clearly the fault of the MMR vaccine. Before it poisoned his mind he loved nothing better than to sit down with a copy of Dostoyevsky and listen to the Ring Cycle. We could often hear him banging along to the tune on his locked bedroom door while we entertained our luncheon guests downstairs”

Dr. DeJeune declared that the Government had deliberately ignored him after he had presented several hundred cases of children who had shown a reaction to the vaccine. “These children and their parents have suffered terrible hardships. Some kids have developed a nasty rash, others a bit of a cough, many of them have subsequently displayed no talent at football and been utterly useless at art or modern languages. Worse still, the majority have failed to get into a decent public school”

Speaking on behalf of the Conservatives, shadow Health Secretary, Liam Fox, said he fully supported Dr DeJeune and denied charges of political opportunism. “This is a serious matter and we are highlighting genuine concerns from potential Tory voters. We would never stoop to the gimmicks and spin-doctoring of Labour”, he claimed clutching a large scythe and wearing a deaths-head mask and hooded cowl bearing the inscription “Abandon all hope!”. Dr Fox also denied that this was a blatant attempt to win back the votes of young families with small children. “It’s rubbish to say we’re out of touch with younger voters. Didn’t you know I used to go out with Natalie Imbruglia? You can’t get much hipper than that”

Tony Blair responded angrily to the Conservative’s criticism, claiming it was an irresponsible attitude that put lives at risk. He finished by explaining that he was completely committed to the other members of his cabinet subjecting their children to the MMR vaccination programme. “After all, I want to see what happens to their kids, first”

Author’s note: Looking at this now, it seems both prescient and naive

The USA admitted today that it was undergoing treatment for “clinical psychotic paranoia” and would be removing itself from world affairs until it could “sit in a room with a nuclear button and not have to be restrained from pressing it”. Speaking on behalf of the US, President George Bush admitted that its behaviour over recent weeks had become increasingly irrational and it had agreed to undergo treatment before it “became a danger to itself or others”

It is thought that the symptoms started to develop after a severe trauma with initial shock being followed by an irrational exuberance, showing itself in swaggering pride, patriotism and massive overconfidence in its own abilities. The overconfidence rapidly gave way to a feeling of persecution and a belief that the entire world was ganging up on it.

Recently the US has shown an increasing mistrust of everyone else in the world and in his State of the Union address, the President declared that he had seen an “Axis of Evil”. He started by explaining how the axis contained many recognised enemies, including Iraq and continued by including recent allies in the “War against Terrorism” such as Iran because “even though they display a rudimentary democracy, they have said many nasty things about us”. He finished by unexpectedly adding several new countries to the list including France because they “spoke funny”, Canada because they should have “joined the USA when they had the chance” and Dominica because he “doesn’t like bananas”. The President was, however, careful to exclude countries that harboured terrorism but “were obviously our allies because they’ve got lots of oil or friends in Congress” such as Saudi Arabia or Israel.

At a follow up meeting, Donald Rumsfeld, displaying a slight twitch in his eye, noted that the USA had “already saved the world several times over” and had “bailed those crummy Europeans out at least twice”. Mr. Rumsfeld then went on to declare that as far as he was concerned “every nation on Earth” was now a terrorist state and would be treated accordingly. When asked how he would be responding to domestic terrorism, such as the Anthrax mailer, Mr Rumsfeld declared that he was “especially suspicious of those two-timing Yankee bastards”. As Mr. Rumsfeld held a gun to his own head declaring that he was “clearly a terrorist and should be shot down like a dog”, psychiatrists were called in and sectioned him and the rest of the United States for mass delusional paranoia.

Many other countries were quick to condemn the US. Kim Jong-il of North Korea claimed that the US had been showing symptoms of paranoia for many years. “They have persecuted us because they were jealous of the peace and harmony in which we live. They would come and demand that our ancient temples be destroyed, simply because the towers resembled missiles and housed our most sacred offerings of plutonium”. Saddam Husain also claimed that Iraq had been persecuted simply because he went to visit his relatives in Kuwait with a few friends “OK we had a bit of a tiff, but it’s typical of the US have to go and overreact”. The UK, however, showed a great deal of sympathy and declared that it too would be seeking counselling to deal with its “need to be dominated” and its “fawning sycophancy” when in the company of bigger more authoritarian countries.

The US itself was last seen standing in the corner muttering to itself that it would “get them back, all of them, just see if I don’t”

Author’s note: I’m guessing this was around the time of the “enhanced interrogation” techniques becoming known.

After continued criticism from around the world and adverse reactions from the United Nations and Red Cross, the USA has agreed to abide by international conventions on human rights, but only after they can “get to rewrite them first”

“Obviously it will still be called the Geneva Convention” explained George Bush “as we will be launching it from Geneva in Nebraska”. He also confirmed that he had already set up a task force to evaluate the original convention with a view to updating it for modern day conflicts, specifically those that involve America. “We had previously been a strong supporter of human rights, but that was when they involved other countries, particularly ones that we didn’t like such as Myanmar or North Korea. Now, hot dang, we’ve found ourselves the target of terrorists and involved in a war and those same rights really get in the way of interrogating your prisoners.”

The President was responding to criticism that the treatment of suspects at Camp X-Ray was inhumane and degrading. Refuting the charges, Captain R A Buehn, the Commander of the camp, explained that the “removal of testicles is only carried out on our male prisoners and simply as a precaution to remove the source of testosterone that can cause aggression. We also make sure that all of our troops have read a copy of ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ so they can get in touch with their feminine side. Especially the girls.”

The US is now planning to address what it sees as the problems of the Geneva Convention in the same way as it has addressed the problems with the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and the Kyoto Protocol. “We shall be issuing a measured response that summarises our concerns with the document” explained Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, as he stepped from a toilet cubicle clutching a copy of the convention with several pages ripped out.

Mr Rumsfeld then went onto explain that the US believed that Afghanistani prisoners were not entitled to normal human rights as “they weren’t normal humans. I mean just look at the scary eyes on those people. They have superhuman strength and can single handedly detonate a nuclear device by just using thought power. Haven’t any of you guys seen ‘Scanners’?” Mr Rumsfeld was just starting to explain his theories on the “Taliban aliens he’d seen in ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers'” when he was accompanied from the room by his military escort as his spokesman explained that he was going for a “nice quiet sit down”.

For the Red Cross, Darcy Christen explained their concerns with the current treatment of the prisoners. “People have the right to humane treatment even if they are psychopathic madmen who would kill their own Mothers for two pins.” he commented. “We in Switzerland have a long history of welcoming any refugees into our country, no matter how evil, as long they have huge amounts of cash. And aren’t Jewish, obviously”

EU suggestions that the Afghanistan fighters be placed under the jurisdiction of the Court of Human Rights and the relevant evidence of any war crimes submitted to the court were rejected out of hand by America. “There’s no way we are handing over our prisoners to some tin-pot kangaroo court with no moral authority” commented George Bush. “We shall be transporting them to Texas forthwith so they can experience real justice”