Author’s note: the poor old Queen Mum was rushed into hospital for a blood transfusion and I ended up writing this. Deary me.

In a brief statement today, Buckingham Palace confirmed that the recent blood transfusion for the Queen Mother was not because she had anaemia but because she was one of the undead. The statement explained “Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother has been exhibiting vampirical tendencies for some time and her recent excessive exposure to the sun had necessitated the emergency infusion of fresh blood to ensure that she remains her usual fragrant self”

Commenting on the announcement, royal watcher and vampire expert Count Vladimir Z Hackenbush explained: “Up until now, it was felt that descriptions of the Royal Family as a bunch of blood-sucking leeches were a metaphorical excess but this shows that this isn’t the case. Her Majesty has a close association with the East European royal bloodlines related to vampirism and has recently exhibited all the classic symptoms of a vampire – great age, bad teeth and a propensity for living in ostentatious castles and wearing ludicrous fancy dress”

Sources close to the Royal Family were reported to be less sanguine. A royal equerry, who declined to be named, claimed “It’s been a complete pain. She just spends her evenings flapping around the Palace biting the corgis and abusing the footmen”

The transformation of the Queen Mother from harmless old crone to Horror Empress is thought to be part of a re-branding exercise currently being carried out by the Royal Family. Work with focus groups has suggested that the public tends to associate royal titles with characters from the horror genre. The Royal Family has been encouraged to move into this space. It is widely anticipated that the next announcement will be that Prince Philip has been re-branded as ‘Prince Lupus – the reverse Werewolf’ – who spends his entire life snarling at people and assaulting women except when there’s a full moon and he becomes a charming sophisticate.

Some other attempts in the re-branding exercise have been less successful, however. The move to resurrect the Princess of Wales as ‘Diana – Queen of the Night’ met with disastrous consequences. A mysterious figure known only as Prince Charles commented “Prince Andrew tried to launch an SAS style raid on Diana Island in the Althorp Estate to get her back but unfortunately he only ended up bagging a brace of duck. We eventually persuaded Earl Spencer to exhume her by offering him a job at Prince Edward’s media company. We then employed a little known doctor from a private Swiss clinic – Herr Doctor Baron Frankenstein – to reanimate her. He managed to get her going again but she looked a right state. And she was never that bright when she was alive but this time she could barely string a sentence together. Her re-launch at a ‘Child Victims of HIV’ Royal Garden party was a catastrophe – she kept popping out of the hedges, groaning and chucking the AIDS victims in the duck pond.”

An official spokesman for the Royal Family denied the re-branding effort and simply commented as the sun set, “Ah, the Children of the Night. What music they make” before biting a passing tourist and flitting off into the dark.

Author’s note: Yes, well, hmmm. This was obviously a response to the Brass Eye Paedogeddon episode and an attempt to point out the massive hypocrisy of a number of its critics. It is somewhat unbalanced between humour and anger, however.

Paedophile groups from across Britain joined together today to condemn Chris Morris’ Brass Eye investigation. “It was a disgusting attack on us” claimed Eric Grope of the paedophile rights group ‘Deflower’ “It made us look like a bunch of perverts”

‘Deflower’ issued a strongly worded attack on the Channel 4 programme. “It purported to be an investigative documentary and was little more than a thinly veiled attack on the rights of a minority group. We were particularly concerned with one of the images that showed an infant injecting itself using a hypodermic syringe. We abhor the use of recreational drugs and only ever use mild sedatives to calm our victims – I mean willing participants. For many years, we have been seeking to inform and convert the public to our beliefs through the use of the popular media such as pop videos and the tabloid press. We believe that this has set back our public education campaign by years.”

The News of the World came out strongly against the show “This programme is one of the vilest examples of victimisation of a minority group that we have ever seen. Our own lovely 16 year old Carmen Bambooza has formed a one-woman protest group to demand an apology from Channel 4. See her stripped and ready for action on pages 3 to 12. Show your own support by phoning in for a one-to-one chat with Carmen and her ‘barely legal’ pals and enjoy a protest group grope.

The Daily Mail also condemned the brutality of the Channel 4 documentary and issued an editorial calling for understanding and tolerance of paedophiles: “In a God fearing society is it too much to ask that we live and let live? Should we not let people be treated with dignity and compassion. The savagery of this programme was terrible – it suggested the torturing and execution of paedophiles. Chris Morris is the lowest form of scum. He is the spawn of the Devil. He should be kicked to death and then burnt in front of his wife and children.”

MP’s also lined up to complain. “Although I don’t own a television and have never heard of Chris Morris I abhor this programme. However, I’m particularly grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to spout off a load of hypocrisy and cant at a slack time of year for us politicians.” explained Nicholas Winterton, Conservative spokesman for decency, sodomy and flogging

The BBC denied opportunism in sponsoring its ‘Lower It!’ campaign to lower the age of consent. The ‘Lower It!’ TV special will feature 8 hours of top comedy stars, pop groups and television personalities promoting sex with a younger audience. “Lets face it” declared Seb T of Boy Band C’rap “Most people in this industry are shagging underage girls so we might as well admit it and make it legal”. The programme will also feature a 24 hour Fuckathon from Spain where the age of consent is 14. In this celebrity challenge a number of well known pop-stars will attempt to have sex with as many 14 year olds as possible. “I can’t wait” oozed an enthusiastic Greg Dyke “Many of my friends have teenage daughters and it’s about time it was acceptable in polite society to be able to goose them and not be thought of as some sort of pervert.”

Chris Morris stubbornly refused to comment from the lamppost from which he has been hanging for the last three days. His children were also unavailable from within the large pyre outside their house to which they were last seen being escorted by local members of the Neighbourhood Watch scheme.

Author’s note: Another from the News in Brief section of the Brains Trust. I loved writing NIBS- you could get your point across quickly and bugger off. This, I think, is a particularly fine example.

Railtrack CEO Steve Marshall today announced massive new investment by Railtrack in the pay packages of their senior executives. “This is an exciting and forward looking proposal that we believe will deliver real benefits to a tiny number of criminally under rewarded people” he enthused. “We have commissioned a review of FTSE 100 executive pay by a top research analyst – Bobo the Monkey from Billy Smart’s Circus – and then ignored his suggestion that we were hugely overpaid and that he could do a better job for a couple of bananas and a tin drum. Instead, we’ve gone for a radical plan that involves doubling our salaries on a six-monthly basis until we are sacked or killed in a train crash – the latter being very unlikely as we never travel on the train. I admit that this is a long-term plan and the results of it will take a couple of years to become evident. However, over that period, the public can expect to see several new swimming pools, a much larger number of offshore bank accounts and a selection of new or extensively refurbished wives on the arms of our executive team.” Asked about investment in track, Mr. Marshall replied “In what? Oh, right, yes. We have identified a new lower cost supplier of track – Hornby – who have assured us that they can provide a complete new infrastructure for around 300 quid. At those prices we might even be able to afford to chuck in a couple of new signals.”

Author’s note: Another article from the News in Brief section of the Brains Trust. A silly piece of whimsy, that is obviously massively insulting to Belgium, but given that they forgot to have a government for several years, it’s probably fair enough. This contains one of my favourite things: the Belgian Eurovision song entry “Boom-bang-a-bang, buy-me-a-beer”. Also Belgian Premier Guy Thingamebob

Furious Belgians demanded an immediate apology from the EU today as it emerged that they had been overlooked in the EU Presidency round and the role had gone straight from Sweden to Spain. “We completely forgot about them,” admitted an embarrassed Romano Prodi. “What’s so terrible is that I had written their name on a whole load of Post-It notes and stuck them all round my office specifically to avoid this sort of thing. The problem is, they’re just too boring. I simply assumed they’d done the job for 6 months and I’d slept through it.” Belgian Premier Guy Thingamebob fumed “It’s an outrage. We had prepared an EU extravaganza to celebrate the role. We had booked a couple of fireworks, some kiddie-porn videos and fifteen billion litres of beer. And I’ve no idea what we’re going to do with all that mayonnaise”

Professor of European Studies at Oxford University, Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush, commented. “This sort of thing was bound to happen eventually. My suggestion is that they change the election rules and use the results of the Eurovision song contest to decide the premiership, although Belgium’s last entry ‘Boom-bang-a-bang, buy-me-a-beer’ scored zero points so it wouldn’t have helped them much in this case.”

Belgium is expected to launch formal complaint to the EU as soon as they can wake someone up.

Author’s note: This is a short article that would have appeared in the News in Brief section of the Brains Trust. It has a pop at one of my perennial bugbears: doctors and especially the BMA

Doctors today reacted angrily to the Government’s “continued undermining of our reputations and good standing within the community”. The rebuttal came from BMA Chairman Dr Ian Bogle in a stinging rebuke to the Government. “The public recognise the heartfelt devotion and selfless work carried out by doctors in conditions of squalor and third-world deprivation.” he thundered from the conference, held at the end of a 7 day fact finding mission to Mustique sponsored by Pharmaceutical giant ‘Drugs-U-Like’. “For many years now, we doctors have treated our patients with utter contempt and patronised anyone who questioned us. We paid ourselves huge salaries from the public purse and supplemented our short hours with sloppy work for wretched, desperate but rich private patients. And no one has complained! And if they did, we ensured that they had to report to a self-interested investigation body that makes sure that they never get heard. Suddenly, the Government has suggested that this has to change. They are talking about introducing ‘private’ companies and competition which will completely undermine the NHS ethic of free healthcare for all.” claimed Dr. Bogle as he prepared to leave to attend his private clinic for extraordinarily rich hypochondriacs. He concluded hastily by suggesting that the Government take two Aspirin and call him in the morning.

Author’s note: This is the start of my most productive period at the Brains Trust. It’s interesting to note that the Word document of the original article contains 3 articles, all probably written in quick succession. In other news, I suspect it was the start of my least productive period at proper work (sorry, Logica)

After weeks of secret negotiations, Northern Irish Politicians from all sides joined together today to announce their new alternative peace plan. “In layman’s terms” announced an ecstatic Ian Paisley “it’s an alternative to peace. Basically we all hate each other’s guts and this finally acknowledges that all we want to do is beat the shit out of each other.”

Former terrorist leader Martin McGuiness was equally enthusiastic. “It finally means that I can return to my roots. For too many years, I have been living a lie, pretending to be something I wasn’t. So goodbye mild-mannered Education Minister. Hello, psychopathic mass-murderer. At last, I can get back to shooting Protestants and torturing IRA informers”

In recent days, the British Government and the Irish Taishoch had appeared to be moving towards some sort of settlement. The IRA’s offer to put its weapons beyond use by “covering them up with a tarpaulin – possibly even one weighted down by bricks” had been greeted with rapture. Tony Blair had promised to fully implement the Patten Commission’s recommendations of replacing all the RUC’s firearms with spud guns and changing their name to “Kick me – I’m a Unionist Bigot”. UDA leader ‘Mad Dog’ Adair had made conciliatory noises from his prison cell, explaining that he didn’t necessarily want to “line up all Catholic children and shoot the little bastards” but may be prepared to accept “beating them to within an inch of their lives”. Even the Real IRA had admitted that their policy of “wholesale slaughter of Unionist filth” could be considered a “philosophical stance rather than an actual commitment”

However, it now emerges that a third party had initiated secret negotiations in a similar manner to Norway’s overtures to Israel and Palestine in the 1990’s. In this case, it appears that Iraq contacted both Unionists and Republicans and brokered a way back to all out civil war at a time when the Northern Irish appeared dangerously close to the brink of peace. Negotiations were carried out in a secret country (thought to be Kosovo) that reminded the participants what proper hatred of ones neighbours could achieve.

Author’s note: I loved this article at the time and it’s fairly typical of my emerging style – start with something ludicrous and then add to it. Tom, the Editor in Chief, however declared it trivial and it was never published. I did eventually manage to sneak Ground Force Jihad into an article a couple of years later about war artists in Iraq (along with Trinny and Susannah’s “What not to bomb”).

After an initial flirtation with Islamic influenced versions of its most popular shows, the BBC today announced the next phase in its plan to win back audience share in the increasingly saturated ‘lifestyle’ television sector.

‘Ground Force Jihad – the Holy war on weeds’ will be “the Mother of all lifestyle programmes” declared Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC, this morning. “An army of Hizbullah Muslim fundamentalists will sweep into your garden and lay waste to everything in it. Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock will then follow on and engage in ethnic cleansing of impure strains of plants, segregating different varieties and dead-heading weak or old members and burying them in an unmarked compost heap at the back of the garden. Mr. Dyke deflected criticism from the early pilots, where the owner’s house, car and children had also been destroyed, describing these as “teething troubles”. “We’ve hired some ex Israeli para-troopers to make sure that the Hizbullah stay in designated areas” he explained.

If the format of combining hard-hitting documentary techniques with popular ‘makeover’ series is successful, several other initiatives are already in development. ‘Changing Rooms with the Real IRA’ invites balaclava clad squads of Irish hoodlums masquerading as freedom-fighters to blow up the living rooms of randomly selected members of the public. ‘Holiday 2002’ with Carol Smilee and the Filipino Abu Sayyaf guerrillas will explore new jungle based adventure holidays with a group of blindfolded B-list television personalities. This format may be extended to create a ‘Survivor’ style game whereby the contestants are executed one by one following a nomination and telephone vote.

Mr. Dyke then went on to explain that the masterminds behind a number of the BBC’s most popular shows had also been sold as consultants to peace-keeping units in some of the world’s worst trouble spots. “Not only will the BBC be helping to promote peaceful co-operation around the world but this will also deliver increasing revenues for quality programme development at the BBC. Our latest endeavour ‘The Weakest Link Topless Mud Wrestling Special’ – hosted by Sara Cox and Anne Robinson – will be entirely funded by this initiative”

Peace keepers in the Arab-Israeli conflict have flown in Lillian Too to employ feng shui techniques in solving the regions problems. Ms. Too explained “It is obvious that the Yin of Palestine is not in alignment of the Yang of Israel. By bringing the two sides together in a Karmically balanced environment with a suitable wind chime we shall see the differences melt away” Ms. Too was last seen cowering under a Karmically balanced table as the two negotiators settled their differences with Karmically balanced automatic rifles and petrol bombs.

Greater success is anticipated by Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen in Macedonia where he blames the conflict on poor quality wall coverings. The addition of chintz and rough silks to the rebel hideouts has already created a more peaceful atmosphere which the rebels were reported to be happy with prior to them being firebombed by the Macedonian armed forces.

Greg Dyke concluded by saying that he was particularly looking forward to the BBC’s toughest challenge – Sir Jimmy Saville hosting a ‘Jim’ll Fix It Special’ for the Conservative Leadership Election: “If we can crack the most malevolent conflict in the world we can crack anything”

Author’s note: Pledge cards. Undoubtedly, a better idea than the Ed Stone

Shocked Labour Party officials issued an urgent recall of their new pledge cards this morning.

A Labour Party spokesman announced that the pledge cards had been found to contain “several dangerous phrases which people might mistake for a commitment to actually do something.” He continued “Clearly this was never the intention of these cards. They were meant more as novelty gifts like the ones you get with a Happy Meal from McDonalds. They were designed to be completely safe in the hands of children under the age of 36 months and our backbenchers.”

The new Pledge Cards were a replacement to the original model released five years ago. This model developed a serious fault mid-way through the last Parliament that caused it to repeatedly blow up in the Government’s face. The new design, which incorporated slicker lines and smoother promises, was expected to have much safer handling.

With the new model containing similar flaws, the Labour Party has now instigated an urgent redesign of the card to remove the offending elements. Several new proto-types have been developed and these are being tried out on focus groups. One version, ‘Mandy’s Mr. Motivator’, comes accompanied by a talking plastic figurine which repeats a few key phrases listed on the card; “Fight don’t quit”, “Everyone else is a loser” and “Never Surrender” are some examples. This version is reported to have been popular with Northern Irish focus groups. Another version, the ‘Probably Card’, lists exactly the same pledges as the Pledge Card but adds the word ‘probably’ to the end of each one.

The Prime Minister denied claims that the party was trying to renege on its commitments or distract the public from real issues with gimmicks or tricks “This Government is determined to deliver on its promises. We are not interested in tittle-tattle or cheap publicity stunts. Ooh, look everyone! A flying saucer!” The Prime Minister then pointed to a rather tatty Thunderbird model which was lowered by a crane and from which John Prescott emerged, dressed in a green space suit, claiming to represent the Government’s approach to ‘blocking the hole in the ozone layer’ and its leadership on green issues.

The Prime Minister then finished with an assurance to the public “What I do say about the new pledge cards is that they will contain no weasel words or mealy mouthed phrases. Our pledges will deliver immeasurable benefit. Our pledges will commit to the future. Our pledges will seize the day and bring in a brighter to-morrow. I mean, how could you think that we’re afraid to make promises? Just look at our commitment to the Euro.”

Author’s note: This was my third submission to the Brains Trust and, lo, it was the lead article in the next edition. It was almost certainly the Heir Apparent pun that did it. Suddenly, I was someone. I had status. People opened doors when I arrived and a table at the Ivy was permanently reserved for me. Happy days

In a surprise move, the Conservative Party announced today that every member of the parliamentary party had now put themselves forward for election as leader.

In a rowdy and frequently bad-tempered press conference all the members packed onto the stage to formally announce their candidacy. Michael Ancram, struggling to make himself heard above the noise, bawled: “This shows the Conservative’s commitment to democracy. No voting stitch-ups or spin doctoring here” He stepped closer to the microphone and continued to yell. “This allows us a period of cool and calm reflection and a chance to define our future in a peaceful and co-operative manner. WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?”

Mr. Ancram was then temporarily drowned out by cries of “Vote for Me” before managing to re-establish his presence with the use of a megaphone, a set of steps and a large baseball bat. He continued explaining his own plans for leadership “I will be standing as the unity candidate behind whom the entire party can pull together – unlike those other divisive little shits” he screamed

Mr Ancram then gave up the floor to Iain Duncan Smith after it appeared that Mr Duncan Smith tipped him off his steps. Mr Duncan Smith then announced that he was also proposing his Labrador, Winston, for the post of leader. “With a name like that, he is sure to appeal to grass roots Tories” he enthused “And let’s face it, he is a damn site more photogenic and has a lot more hair than William Hague”

Commenting from the auditorium after being temporarily thrown off the stage, Mr Portillo dismissed this idea “It’s a ludicrous suggestion” he exclaimed, “I am clearly the heir apparent of the hirsute wing of the party, mainly because my hair is so apparent. Winston has totally misunderstood the issues. I mean he has all over body hair when all that is required is a luxuriant coiffure such as my own.”

Meanwhile, David Davies emerged from under a pile of bodies on the stage from where he had been attempting to get himself recognised. Mr. Davids went on to assure voters that, contrary to rumours, his own wife would be able to pick him out of an identity parade provided he wore some sort of distinguishing feature, such as a fluorescent name tag. Mr. Dafyd, who is reported to have been receiving image consultancy from a shadowy figure known only as ‘Mandy’, then finished with a rousing appeal to the voters “I am a quitter, not a fighter…oh damn it. Peter, can you prompt me, darling?”

Ken Clark, who had now wrestled control of the megaphone from Michael Ancram, outlined his main policy thrust. “We must remove the European poison that has infected our party. I regret the dominance of Europe as the issue at the heart of Conservative politics. We should stop talking to ourselves about Europe and start talking to the electorate about the things that matter to them.” explained Mr. Clark, puffing on a Gauloise and dressed in the beret, stripy blue and white jersey and string of onions that have become his trademark. He finished his speech by encouraging his supporters to join him in a rousing chorus of La Marseillaise

As riot police finally arrived towards the end of the press conference, a spokesman for the party did, however, quash rumours that Foster the Vulture had been nominated for leader. He remarked, “Foster is obviously adept at escaping from tricky situations and has attracted a lot of media attention, but have you seen him? I mean, he really is bald.”

Author’s note: This was the second article I wrote for the Brains Trust. It was also immediately ignored by the editors for being “not very good”.

William Hague, the former leader of the Conservative party, was executed at 12:00GMT today for the “wanton and callous act of wholesale slaughter of 168 Tory party candidates”

William Hague, who was found guilty of the crime on 7^th June, refused any final appeal to the voters, claiming “I haven’t appealed to anyone up to now, and I’m not going to change my strategy at the last minute”

Ironically, in Mr. Hague’s previous job as a management consultant at McKinsey’s, he had been responsible for the process re-engineering of the execution centre to provide a “more customer-facing, less death-centric facilitation unit”. The work meant that the execution could be enjoyed by all of Mr. Hague’s close friends, family and colleagues from the enhanced all-seater viewing area and espresso bar.

Mr. Hague spent his final night in the preparation centre and enjoyed a last meal of black pudding. He was led into the execution cell at 11:35 and was strapped down. At 12:00 precisely he was rendered unconscious with 14 pints of ale and his heart was stopped by removing his wallet and replacing all the 10 pound notes with Euros. He was then terminated via lethal injection of an albino ferret fired from a Howitzer, as pioneered in the BBC’s “Ultimate Killers” programme.

Opinions were sharply divided as to the use of the death penalty. “It’s a barbaric punishment that degrades society by making us the moral equivalent of murderers”, claimed Michael Portillo, in a break from measuring out the curtains for his new top-floor office in Conservative HQ, “However, in the case of William Hague, I’m prepared to make an exception. The last thing we want is him hanging about and embarrassing us like the other ex-leaders”.

However, the Prime Minister had made a last minute appeal for clemency to the Conservatives. “It’s not fair and it’s not right” he claimed “where would we be if we did this to all failed leaders?” Mr Blair was then seen to be nervously eyeing up Gordon Brown as Mr. Brown fingered a large carving knife that he had bought along to “demonstrate how we would achieve cuts in spending”.

George W Bush sent a letter of ‘condolency congratulations’ to the President of France, Snr Jacques Blair. It read, simply; “Nice one”.