Pop lyrics are “all lies” claims report

Author’s note: this is the first full piece I wrote for the Brains Trust, where it was immediately ignored for being “not very good”. Indeed, it is, at best, mildly amusing, but you have to start somewhere

A leaked report, commissioned by the Government’s Department for Culture, Media and Sport, has revealed that the lyrics of the world’s most popular songs are “nothing but a set of exaggerations, misrepresentations and downright lies”

The Government has set up a number of new focus groups to reach out to young people and find their aspirations and desires for 21st Century Britain. The first group disbanded when they were only able to interview young people after they had woken up at 2PM and found their main aspirations were to “get pissed and shag”.

A separate group set out to look at the media popular with youth culture. Their first area of study was pop music and they are reported to be shocked at the state of music lyrics. “We started with fairly extreme lyrics, expecting to find examples of disenchantment and futility. Instead, we found someone claiming to be “the real Slim Shady”. On further examination, it appears that this isn’t his real name. Even worse, he is made up from the recycled parts of previous white rappers including Vanilla Ice and Debbie Harry and isn’t real at all.”

The report then goes on to describe further researches. “We decided to look at more mainstream acts, which we felt certain would show greater honesty. We were cruelly deceived. Shania Twain’s hit “You’re still the one” declares her intention to run to her lover. On questioning her, it turns out that she never even broke into a light jog! Ricky Martin’s girlfriend, mentioned in “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, has never expressed a desire to go dancing in the rain and apparently most parties are infinitely superior to an S-Club party.”

Media watcher Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush commented “Pop music affects people when they are at their most impressionable. Now it turns out that most of these groups are nothing but rotten fibbers! I’m concerned that even I may have been misled. I’m going to have words with Elton John to see whether he has ever been in a rocket. And I’m very suspicious about the Beatles claim to have lived in a yellow submarine.”

However, Brit award losing popstar Craig David hit back at the claims but was unable to comment until Sunday when he was expecting to be ‘Chilling’.

State of the Unions

Trade unions are more powerful than ever before – just not the ones you’re thinking of

To visit a trade union headquarters is to bask in the familiar nostalgia of a time when men ruled the world, smoking was permitted on tube trains and national strikes were an accepted part of everyday life. They are often run down offices in unfashionable parts of London, with slogans and urgings hanging from every wall. The inhabitants look like chippy council workers, eager to refuse your request to overturn a parking fine.

A visit to the headquarters of the doctor’s union – the British Medical Association – is a somewhat different experience. Situated in Bloomsbury, the glass walls and smartly turned out receptionists remind one of a corporate HQ. The place oozes money – which is unsurprising given its £150M annual revenues

Doctors are part of an elite group of professionals whose unions enjoy special privileges that other, lowlier, unions do not. Solicitors (via the Law Society), Surveyors (via RICS) and many other professions combine a membership, lobbying AND regulatory function allowing them to operate as a closed shop. When the government attempts to institute changes that would be detrimental to them or their members (but almost certainly better for the public), they are resisted or defanged. When the regulatory function for solicitors was removed from the Law Society (to the SRA), the obligation for lawyers to remain members of the Society was not. The Royal Medical colleges with their colossal property portfolios and vast wealth continue to regulate their members as well as provide succour and lobbying to preserve their privileges.

Wealthy, well-educated and powerful, it is unsurprising that these unions remain a closed shop regulating themselves and resistant to change; adamant that their members deserve a job for life, free from the prying eyes of independent regulators. Their ability to divert public and private money to their members’ pockets remains unsurpassed. The NHS may have been the creation of a Labour government, but it was designed and implemented by doctors for the benefit of doctors. Just witness the howls of anguish from the BMA when even minor changes to doctors working conditions are proposed. And try and constrain legal aid to avoid the most egregious abuses and before you know it the woke left are on the streets demanding justice for all. No one thinks to suggest that a barrister might possibly take a pay cut.

The answer to removing the power from these most powerful unions and their members is unlikely to come from politicians or an outraged public. It will most likely come from technology and particularly AI which will encroach on their knowledge and surpass their wisdom. Why would one trust the opinion of a doctor who has seen hundreds of cases, when a computer can tell you the insights from millions and instantly remember the efficacy of different treatments? Why spend years learning every nuance of case law when a bot will do it for you?

Of course, as the technology threatens privilege, the privileged will restrict the technology. Only they will be able to access it and provide the masses with its insights. But eventually, as it disseminates, these professions and their wealthy privileged unions will disappear.

Disney to launch “Al Qaeda World”

Author’s note: We all thought we were terribly clever taking the mickey out of George Bush. And look at who we ended up with for President.

The entertainment industry denied today that it was trivialising the war on terrorism and had reduced complex geo-political tensions to simplistic racial and religious stereotypes. The denial came from Michael Eisner, CEO of The Walt Disney Company, as he launched Disney’s latest theme park “Al Qaeda World.” The new magic kingdom contains a host of new rides, fun characters and NRA sponsored firearms appreciation classes.

Visitors to the park are welcomed by Dubyas and their fickle friends the Yewroes, who are always up to tricks and shenanigans behind the Dubyas’ backs. The Dubyas are the sworn enemies of the Talibannies, evil ugly trolls with long beards and turbans who live in a vast network of caves in the magic mountains near the entrance. The first attraction is a hide and seek style game called “Where’s Osama?” Kids take the role of Dubya’s secret agents and have to search the caves using a battery of high tech equipment for “Osama” another new character, who is the leader the Talibannies and has a larger Turban. Osama has special evil superpowers to help him evade capture, although precisely what these are remains hidden although participants are advised that they are “really, really evil”. Kids must stop him before he flees across the “border” to the evil empires of Iran or Pakistan.

The next attraction, the Talibannies Trail of Terror is based on the traditional ghost train but with an added twist. You walk round a rickety old country with destroyed religious statues, ruined building and unmarked graves and the Talibannies pop out from behind these at unexpected times and try and kidnap you. If they succeed they drag you off to their evil empire where boys and girls are separated and girls have to wear a comedy costume and play in a special area all by themselves. The boys are given a “kiddy-fun” Russian AK-47 rifle and are taken to the shooting range to shoot at “evil aggressors” or else study how to move closer to God through slaughter.

If you escape kidnap, you can then join Dubyas Fantasy Star Wars game. The idea is use a state-of-the-art missile defence program to shoot down nuclear missiles that the Talibannies hurl at you. Unfortunately, the system was designed by Goofy and it doesn’t work very well. You lose points for each Dubya town that gets hit although crashing a nuclear missile in the centre of Yewroe land has no penalty and hitting France gets extra points

At the opening of Al Qaeda World, George Bush praised Disney’s approach to educating kids about the War on Terror. He also defended the “simplistic” style of the park, adding, “At last I’ve found somewhere that speaks my language”

Andersens added to US list of “terrorist organisations”

Author’s note: This was around the time of the Enron accounting scandal

Andersens, the consultancy and audit firm, reacted with surprise to the news today that they had been added to the list of terrorist organisations compiled by the CIA. The news followed on from Andersens battering from audit scandals at Waste Management and Enron. However, it appears that the shock admission that they had also acted as consultants to Al-Qaeda and accountants of the personal fortune of Osama Bin Laden was the main cause of the listing.

“In hindsight, it was a regrettable association” commented Joseph Bernardino, chief executive officer at Andersens, from a secret location believed to be a small cave in North Carolina. “However, we behaved with scrupulous professionalism throughout and are proud of our success in the strategic realignment of the World Trade Centre. We just didn’t expect Al-Qaeda to take the words “re-engineering” so literally. Still, at least we got over $100M in fees from them”.

Andersens were already under pressure for their role in the bankruptcy of Enron where they deny any connection between the huge consulting fees they obtained and their inability to see any problems in the exotic accountancy practices used by the company. “There was no link between the consultancy and audit operations” claimed David Duncan, the partner in charge of the Enron account “At least not in the literal sense, although possibly in the metaphorical one”.

However, Mr. Duncan went on to admit that the auditors may have been temporarily blinded by the enormous cheque on offer for consulting. “I’m telling you, that sucker was huge” he added “With that thing held in front of your eyes there was no way you could see all those fiddly numbers on the ledger”. He also went on to deny that the company had shredded important documents explaining that they had simply been “making streamers for the Christmas party”.

However, the terrorist listing creates a bigger problem for the company. Suspicions were first aroused after a number of Andersen consultants started wearing rocket powered trainers that they used to eject themselves from tricky client meetings, typically where a distraught customer was asking what the firm had actually done for the $50M they had charged in fees. Further discoveries at Al-Qaeda training camps of walls covered in Post-It notes connected by arrows and whiteboards with mysterious circles containing incomprehensible jargon were later revealed as Andersen’s customer-centric knowledge elicitation process flow techniques. Al-Qaeda terrorists confessed under interrogation that they “hadn’t understood a word of it” but hadn’t liked to say anything “in case they looked stupid”.

Andersens has issued a statement saying that they are looking forward to the challenge of the new opportunities offered by their placing on the list of the World’s most wanted organisations. “Our consultants are already being re-skilled in the arts of disguise, smuggling and sabotage. We will be offering this as a service to our new customer base consisting of blue-chip terrorist organisations including Iraq, North Korea, Zimbabwe and many more. Indeed, we have already come up with a new name for the new service – Foresight and Undercover Camouflage Teamworking. We are sure that our new slogan will be one the whole industry can rally round – ‘Get FUCT by Andersens'”.

Russia Piloting New “Anti-Terrorism Strategy”

Author’s Note: This was written at the time of the Russian Hostage Crisis in 2002 See also the next article

The Russian Government admitted today that the end of the Moscow Theatre siege leading to the death of over 100 hostages was actually part of a “terribly clever new strategy” for dealing with terrorism. 

“It may seem unnecessarily risky to release a poisonous gas into small area with nearly 1000 innocent people, but I ask you – how can you be sure which are innocent and which are guilty?” asked Russian President Vladimir Putin. “Who knows how many of those people might have already committed a criminal act? How many of them may be potential terrorists, waiting to subjugate the innocent population of Russia?” He stopped briefly to wipe away some flecks of spittle that had formed at the corners of his mouth and then continued “To use the words of Heinrich Himmler ‘It is better that 10 innocent men die than one guilty man escapes’. I’m not saying I agree, but it’s worth a thought, isn’t it?”

Mr Putin then went on to announce his new war on “potential terrorists”. “We have been inspired by our comrades in the United States to aggressively seek out the nests in which these potential terrorists may lurk and breed. They shall find no solace. We shall pursue them throughout Chechnya and raze their towns and flatten their houses. It seems clear to us that only by attacking the root cause of the problem and eliminating all the potential troublemakers in Chechnya – namely the entire population – can we ensure the security of Mother Russia. And if we get any dissent from within Georgia, we’ll take a pretty dim view of that as well, I should co-co.”

The approach has received broad endorsement from other countries around the world. George Bush has welcomed it and offered to exchange “best practice” in rooting out terrorism. It is felt that the US Government would be willing to share its own developments for dealing with terrorists in the US including denying them a public trial, housing them in offshore islands and flattening their home countries. In return the US would be keen to learn more from the Russian historic excellence is suppression. The use of Gulags, advanced interrogation techniques and carefully staged show trials were all felt to be useful skills that the US could adopt in its fight against terrorists. Mr Bush also explained that the US was “keen to study President Putin’s strategy for dealing with Chechnya and it’s weapons of mass destruction – although from the pictures I’ve seen of Grozny it looks like most of these have already gone off. It just shows how careful you have to be with these things and why it’s in Iraq’s best interests that we come in and take them away. It’s for their own safety.”

Israel and Palestine are also expected to send delegates to Russia, although they are both complaining of “infringement of copyright”. The Israelis believe that the techniques used by Russia are in direct violation of several patents they have taken out in their struggle against the Palestinians. Ariel Sharon commented “This is our intellectual property and it is unacceptable for some johnny come lately to start using it without even an acknowledgement.” Yasser Arafat agreed but was aggrieved that the Chechens had stolen the Palestinians suicide bombing methodology. “Normally, I’d be happy to let others use this stuff, but they’re rank amateurs. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. There were 50 of them and they only managed to get 2 measely hostages and had to rely on the Russians to do the rest. I ask you!”

For the Chechens, Aslan Maskhadov responded from a partially flattened corrugated hut in Grozny on hearing of the new Russian initiative, “New? What’s new about it?”

Airlines to launch “hijack friendly” routes

Author’s note: This was a rather extreme extrapolation of the argument that if you removed all security checks for air travel, it would ultimately reduce terrorism by removing terrorists who would be arrested or killed and by making air disasters seem more mundane. It would also reduce air travel having a beneficial effect on the climate. Probably.

The world’s major airlines announced that they would be building on the security measures recently put in place, including the deployment of armed sky marshals, by launching a series of “hijack friendly” routes for terrorists.

It is understood that the new routes are expected to tempt hijackers worried by the prospect of detection on the new high security routes, thereby making these routes even safer. The new routes offer shoddy security checks by barely trained staff, rudimentary passport analysis and a “bring one knife, get one free offer – for a limited time only.”

The new routes were introduced by Rod Eddington, Chief Executive of British Airways, at a packed press conference. Mr. Eddington explained that the introduction of the routes was in response to customer demand and the sensible balance of risk and reward. He also confirmed that the selection of the destination cities had been easier than anticipated. “Many cities are keen to avoid terrorist activity, for obvious reasons. However, a number are equally keen to exploit some of the potential that terrorism offers. Take Scunthorpe or Pittsburgh. What a complete pair of shit-holes. Their councillors are practically crying out for kerosene laden Jumbo Jets to come crashing down on them and destroy their collection of old industrial sites and derelict housing. The moment it happens, you can bet your sweet bippy that Government grants and charitable donations will be lavished on them from all sides.”

The new routes have been trialled for a number of months now and include novel features to ease the passage of suicidal fundamentalists. Special extra large over-head lockers on planes will allow the storage for up to a “medium-size nuclear device,” although full size bombs will still need to be stowed in the baggage hold. Extra leg room will accommodate the complex foot movements required by shoe bombers and helpful emergency exit signs and lights will guide the uncertain terrorist to the best point on the aircraft to cause maximum damage and ensure a successful exit to the afterlife.

Unsurprisingly, the new service is already coming under pressure from competition. Shortly after the announcement, Stelios Haji-Ioannou confirmed that he was launching a “new budget service for the cost conscious terrorist – EasyBomb.” The no-frills service will offer no reserved seating and only light snacks to sustain the hungry terrorist. However, with some of the most attractive fares in the air and extra discounts for internet bookings and former Mujahideen veterans, Mr. Haji-Ionannou believed that take-up of seats would be “very rapid.” He also promoted his firm’s innovative “frequent felon” scheme, promising that every tenth hijacking on selected routes would be free.

As a final point, it was also felt that the new routes would be attractive ways of entering high-security countries for people who traditionally found it difficult to gain entry; Mr Eddington gave a heartfelt plea for the rights of people to freedom of movement. “These are people – flesh and blood, the same you and me – that the rest of the world despises, who find themselves unwelcome wherever they appear. I believe that our new terrorist friendly routes with their low security and poor-quality identity checks will finally allow the French to travel once again.”

Whole world celebrates “God’s love”

Author’s note: This was the lead article in the Brains Trust when it was published on Thursday 13th September, 2001. The Twin Towers were attacked on the Tuesday.

In an unprecedented series of events this week, communities from across the face of the earth came together to celebrate God’s love and God himself has moved amongst us and declared himself perfect.

After the horrific events in the US, and following on from genocide in Europe and Africa, God’s representatives on the Earth have issued a joint communiqué to assure the world that God is indeed a great chap and that his works, although beyond human comprehension, are without doubt for the good of mankind.

Muslims have immediately declared Fatwa’s against the widest possible variety of blasphemers to ensure the hurried entry of the devout into Heaven. Israeli Rabbinical settlers have called for the destruction of Palestine so that it can house God’s chosen people and George Bush has promised a crusade against the enemies of the USA. 

With this massive upswelling of God’s love throughout the world, God himself has now initiated a review of his operations and declared himself “completely satisfied” with his performance and confirmed that his representatives across the face of Earth retain his “full confidence”.

God, simultaneously delivering the statement in his multiplicity of forms, went on to explain, “In the light of recent events, it seemed an appropriate time to review the success of our long-term strategy, namely to bring peace, hope and goodwill to all peoples of the Earth. We have now had the opportunity to consult with all the chief executives of our operations on the Earth and are happy to confirm that we are indeed perfect and that our followers are immeasurably grateful and delighted. We intend to see out the full tenure of our contract for this role, namely eternity.”

Recently, however, a number of groups have started to question God’s role in events and wonder whether God’s strategy may be out of date. Derek Gadd of the Atheist League asked, “How come it’s always man that gets the blame for the bad stuff and God that takes the credit for all the good stuff? If we’re going to take the stick, we might as well get the credit as well. It’s time we took responsibility for our own actions. God should step aside and allow others a crack at the whip”

Religious analyst Christian Davidson pointed out, “The watchword of the modern era is focus. God heads up an old style conglomerate with a variety of different operations – Christians, Jews, Muslims etc. – many of whom are in competition with each other. This has led to a number of tensions and, frankly, the senior religious executives have taken their eye off the ball when it comes to peace and harmony.”

However, a real problem arises as God has failed to successfully groom a successor in the event he does step down. Previous attempts have all met with failure, one early candidate being memorably nailed to a cross. Repeated promises to name a Messiah have been fudged and a clear succession plan is still forthcoming.

God has acknowledged these issues and has promised that a Messiah will be announced shortly. He went on to explain, “As I am the only omnipotent being in the universe, only I am able to understand why these events are for the good of humanity. I’m afraid the rest of you will just have to have faith”

The Answer is not the Solution

When I first started out, the majority of those who worked in the IT industry were clever people. By clever, I mean people of a scientific background, who were not afraid of mathematics. It was the generation where the image of the geek was born. As the industry has grown and has penetrated all areas of society, so the number of workers has increased and the proportion of scientists has diminished. And that is a good thing

You can argue until you are blue in the face about what cleverness means. But for me it has to mean that you can deal with maths, the fundamental underpinning of all understanding about everything. And if you are good at maths, it is more than likely that you will have a keen appreciation of the arts. This is something that is intensely annoying to many people who work in the arts. It seems grossly unfair that someone can have a hobby which makes their appreciation of Mahler greater than someone who has made a career from studying it and trying to play it. But surely this has to be the correct definition of cleverness – someone who is able to understand all types of stuff.

The dismissal of people who enjoy science and maths as boring and socially inept is pretty widespread. A great book from a few years ago “Innumeracy,” was an angry response to the near-delight people had in their mathematical ignorance. (The author mused on the reaction there would be if one declared at a dinner party a profound ignorance of reading and no desire to learn anything about it.) My Facebook feed is filled with posts about funding the NHS or immigration from people who appear to have not the remotest ability to apply the most basic logic or mathematics to a problem.

I am OK at maths (or I used to be) and I am reasonably clever. I apply fact based logic to problems and come up with sets of clear actionable steps to get to the correct answer. Unfortunately, they frequently don’t work and the conclusion is often the wrong one.

And this is why the dilution of scientists in IT is a good thing. Because the correct solution to a problem is often not the answer to a problem. I worked at an insurer some years ago that reduced inefficiencies in their claims handling department. The result was much shorter claims processing times and much happier customers. But the company nearly went out of business. Unfortunately, payouts on claims more than doubled and massive losses ensued. The problem they were trying to solve was more complex than inefficient claim handling. Although the previous process frustrated customers, it also minimised payouts through slow, repeated checks of claims.

With the insurer above, the problem was not understood. Customers complained, people handling claims complained, managers complained; the answer to stop those complaints was clear and it worked. It just wasn’t the correct solution. The consultants who defined and implemented the efficiencies were some of the most clear sighted and confident that I had encountered. They were certain that their proposals would work and the results would speak for themselves. Which they did, causing a 30% drop in the share price

And ultimately, this is why too much cleverness can be a bad thing. It leads to confidence and hubris and above all else it leads to certainty. And when someone is certain that they are right, it is almost always the case that they are not. In the end, we have to find ways to let the correct solution emerge gradually by letting the problem emerge in the same way. Because you can never get the right solution, if you are correctly answering the wrong question.

Elections

brexit

The recent European Election has generated a great number of claims and counter claims about who won. Nearly everyone agrees that it wasn’t an election in the normal sense, but rather a proxy referendum. You should thus be able to add up all the votes for Brexit parties and all the ones for Remain and come away with a reasonable idea of where the country sits. Except it isn’t quite as simple as that.

Labour, for example, is notionally pro-Brexit. However, I don’t know a single Labour voter who supports that position. They all want to Remain. That said, I live in South West London and most Labour voters I know are very much of the metropolitan elite. The Tories are probably easier to gauge – most people who voted Conservative were probably pro-Brexit, albeit a soft one. The nationalist parties are more difficult to judge – an SNP supporter’s desire for an independent Scotland may trump any views on the EU. And finally the Green Party remains an enigma to me. It has always been somewhat anti-EU. Their 2010 manifesto states: “We are critical of many of the objectives built in to the EU treaties, of the EU institutions and how they work, and of many particular EU policies”. However, the Greens now claim to wish to remain on terms which simply don’t exist. If you are pro-Green policies (protectionism, aggressive control of carbon emissions etc), you are probably anti most EU policies. But that said, most Green voters I know are pro-remain.

So looking at the EU votes I’m going to apply the following weights (If a party’s weighting is 100% that means that all of their voters were Pro Brexit. If they are 0% they were all pro-Remain)

  • Brexit Party – 100% Brexit
  • UKIP – 100% Brexit
  • Lib Dems – 0% Brexit
  • Labour – 30% Brexit
  • Conservatives – 80% Brexit
  • SNP- 20% Brexit
  • Plaid Cymru – 30% Brexit
  • Change UK – 0% Brexit
  • DUP – 100% Brexit
  • Sinn Fein – 30% Brexit
  • Alliance – 0% Brexit
  • Green – 20% Brexit

I realise these are open to endless debate, but they seem about right to me (obviously). Applying these weightings gives the following referendum result:

Brexit Remain
Brexit Party 100% 5,248,533 5248533 0
UKIP 100% 554,463 554463 0
Lib Dems 0% 3,367,284 0 3,367,284
Labour 30% 2,347,255 704176.5 1,643,079
Conservatives 80% 1,512,147 1209717.6 302,429
SNP 20% 594,553 118910.6 475,642
Plaid Cymru 30% 163,928 49178.4 114,750
Change UK 0% 571,846 0 571,846
DUP 100% 124,991 124991 0
Sinn Fein 30% 126,951 38085.3 88,866
Alliance 0% 105,928 0 105,928
Green 20% 2,023,380 404676 1,618,704
16,741,259 8,452,731 8,288,528
50.5% 49.5%

So, a very narrow victory for Brexit. But it still shows the country is split pretty much 50:50.

People are then using this poll to extrapolate to a general election. I think that is wrong – votes in EU elections rarely translate to similar results in others. However, the recent local elections were proper elections and it is generally agreed that they were a total disaster for the Tories, a moderate disaster for Labour and a triumph for the Lib Dems. I think the latter point is fair – the Lib Dems are crawling back into the fray. But the results seem to tell a different story to the Tory disaster. Look at the votes cast:

Conservatives 2985959 31.40%
Labour 2531907 26.63%
Lib Dems 1602042 16.85%
Green 878485 9.24%
UKIP 430455 4.53%
Other 1080328 11.36%
  9509176  

It’s hardly the Armageddon described by most commentators. Obviously, these don’t include London, and Labour usually does better in London but I’m not going to add to my other guesses by trying to predict the votes for London. My feeling in the local elections is that the Lib Dems stole votes pretty much equally from Labour and Conservative and the Greens pinched them from Labour. I think in a general election the Lib Dem vote will hold up but the Green will revert back to Labour. Clearly, the Brexit Party will take votes from UKIP, but probably fewer than people expect from the Tories, especially if a hard Brexiteer becomes leader.

Thus, I am going to make two bold predictions:

  • If there is another referendum it will be a narrow victory for Brexit (again)
  • If there is a general election the Conservatives will achieve an absolute majority

You read it here first folks. Unless I’m completely wrong, in which case I’ll delete the post.

*For the purpose of judging the bias of this article, my own views are: I am a reluctant remainer and I voted for the Lib Dems in the most recent General, Local and EU elections

Peerless

house-of-lords.jpg

Richard Askwith’s proposal for replacing the House of Lords is a beautiful one. Like all the best ideas it can be summarised in a few sentences and it seems so sensible, so perfect and so simple that it is surely deserving of support. I quote: “The current peers would be replaced by 400 People’s Peers, randomly conscripted and weighted to be a small, representative sample of the electorate as a whole. Service would be ‘compulsory, well-paid and prestigious’, perhaps even involving ermine and titles.”

And to quote HL Mencken: “there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong”. In the case of the People’s Peers the solution is wrong, but not for the reasons Askwith presents himself. Askwith’s principal reason has been given to him by outraged peers and MPs, who point out the loss of expertise from such a scheme. As anyone who has ever spent any time in the Houses of Parliament can confirm, expertise is not the first impression one comes away with. I fully believe that a representative sample of the population would have as much expertise in a particular random subject as almost anyone in our Parliament.

The problem with the proposal is that it is brilliant theoretically, but disastrous practically. And to find the reason for this you only have to look at the one similar compulsory exercise that currently exists – long term jury service.

I spent 8 months on a jury before the trial collapsed. It was a life changing experience. I lost my job as a result of the length of time I was away. I then started a company with two others which we later sold and I became reasonably wealthy. But my main memory of the trial was just how resentful my fellow jurors were to be there.

During the jury selection process, I attempted to avoid the long trial by putting in a fairly detailed document describing my important role at work and what a vital part of the organisation I was. I was one of the first to be called forward by the judge and he read out my self-aggrandising report to the court. He then put the document down, peered over his glasses and asked: “How many people work at this company, Mr Smith”? “About 20,000,” I replied. “And they would all be unable to function in your absence?” he enquired, devastatingly. I was the first juror to be selected.

Other prospective jurors went to greater lengths to avoid the trial. One appeared with a letter from the Chief Executive of Unilever explaining his essential role in selling detergent. Another claimed he was unable to read, despite the fact that he could obviously write. A woman explained she was trying to get pregnant. “How long have you been trying,” asked the judge? “Three years,” came the somewhat sheepish reply.

As the unlucky few were chosen and trudged dejectedly to the jury box, it appeared that we were the ones who had been found guilty and sentenced to a long stretch. And then the trial began. The law prevents me from discussing it, but I believe I can say it was sporadically fascinating (visits from international experts in arcane ephemera one minute, followed by high-class escorts the next) but fundamentally tedious.

Of the 12 jurors, one managed to eject herself after three days by having a mental breakdown. After some debate, an unfortunate reserve juror was dragged in to replace her and the trial restarted. As the case progressed and we sat listening to arcane debates about the law, the resentfulness among the jurors increased. Jurors would arrive late, absence from sickness increased and, most worrying, there was an unwillingness to engage with the process and examine the evidence.

For various unusual reasons in the trial, I was elected foreman quite early. I became more depressed as the notebooks of other jurors filled up with doodles and shopping lists. The only juror who was pleased to be there and engaged with the trial meaningfully had already decided the defendants were guilty and kept passing notes to the judge pointing out their shiftless behaviour or suspicious facts he had found in our evidence pack that he believed the prosecution had missed.

When the trial collapsed with no warning and we were dismissed, we all sat there for a few seconds unable to believe what had happened. We then shuffled out, like the victims of an accident and went back to our lives. Or in my case to a job that had been handed to someone else and a redundancy notice.

All of these problems – an unwillingness to participate, resentfulness at being unable to withdraw from the process, disinterest in the relevant subjects would be magnified several times over in the People’s Chamber. And there would be many other issues: Would you compel someone to serve who has just given birth? What if someone developed a serious mental health issue during their tenure? Would someone who ran a small business be forced to shut it down and layoff their workers? Would someone who refused to participate be thrown in jail? Etc etc etc.

People would also seek to avoid selection in the same way they do for jury service, with the very real issue that the People’s Peers could become self-selecting. We could end up with a group of people very similar to those that carry out the job now. People with time and/or resources and/or partisan views– not the hard-working, honest, everyday folk that Askwith wants to represent us.

It is easy to look at our current systems of government with their endless indecision and inability to reach consensus and despair. But the answer is surely not to centralise matters further with a randomly selected group of disinterested people compelled to attend. Spread the love – get rid of the second chamber and devolve the majority of law review and rework to local chambers that can adapt them to suit their own local needs. A peerless solution, surely?