Author’s note: Prince Charles remained unforgiven for murdering Princess Diana, especially by the Brains Trust

Prince Charles, the heir to the United Kingdom throne, was embroiled in a new controversy today, when it was revealed that he has been accused of being responsible for the premature birth of his newly arrived niece.

The accusation was reported in the Daily Mail and were allegedly made by a valet working for Edward who had reportedly seen Charles “repeatedly kicking Sophie in the stomach and shouting ‘Come on out you bitch. I know you’re in there,'” before disappearing off into the house to see if he could find “a wire coat-hanger or sink plunger to get the little bastard out.” The valet, who had been working for Edward for “well over 15 minutes” as a window cleaner, claimed that Charles had been seen “frothing at the mouth with swivelling eyes” and yelling that Sophie was about to give birth to a reincarnation of Diana or, at the very least, “the daughter of Devil.” He had also been seen to taunt the Countess of Wessex about the paternity of her child, claiming it couldn’t be Prince Edward’s as it was “well known where he liked to park his pork-sword.” On being questioned as to how Prince Charles had visited his brother’s Sunningdale home, whilst allegedly on an official visit to Oman, the valet had claimed that dark forces were at work, before being hastily led away by a representative of the Daily Mail.

The Daily Mail made the claims in its lead story “Evil Queer Charles’s Callous Attempt to Divert Attention From His Sodomising Ways.” It explained that Prince Charles had been desperate to distract attention from his own “gay sex shame” as well as being driven mad by “Edward’s robust manliness” compounded with the thought that William and Harry were not “of his own seed.” According to the Daily Mail, for days previous to the birth of the child, Charles had been attempting to ensure an immediate birth by “secreting himself in cupboards in Sophie’s bedroom” and then leaping from them “dressed only in a Halloween Mask and clutching an industrial sized chainsaw shouting ‘Uncle’s home!’”

The Mail also claimed that on succeeding in bringing about the early labour of the Countess of Wessex, the Prince then refused to call an ambulance and even impeded the vehicle’s progress by lying in the road, blocking the only route out. Apparently the Prince was keen to be present for the birth of his niece, so he could be seen in an heroic light and was anxious for members of the press to arrive to witness the event.

After the child was born, Charles was then alleged to have appeared at the bedside of the Countess and insisted she accompany him outside the hospital for an “impromptu photo opportunity” with her new daughter, who he had conveniently arranged to be present in her “new incubator cum baby stroller.” The stroller, which appeared to be a standard hospital incubator with its plugs trailing behind it, was also accompanied by several nurses who appeared to be engaged in a tug-of-war for the item with Charles and his aides.

Prince Charles, dressed in his “traditional Princely garb of silk tights, garters, knickerbockers and black stilettos” has issued a strong denial of all of the rumours, explaining that “Even though I’ve never heard them and have put a court injunction preventing them being repeated, I completely deny all of them. In fact, I deny being Prince Charles and deny that I have ever been in line for the throne and deny that I have ever denied anything. All I ask is that the public allow me to continue enjoy my enormous privileges, colossal wealth and several mistresses without being harassed. Fishnet stockings, anyone?”

Author’s note: This probably looks ill judged in hindsight, but I think it still makes a valid point. Ian Huntley was being tried for the murder of two school children and there had already been a number of concessions to the media (eg holding the case at the Old Bailey) who had already decided he was guilty (which to be fair, he was). I was worried about turning the trial into a public entertainment. Hence…

Jurors in the Soham murder trial have visited Alton Towers today in a re-creation of the last Bank Holiday spent by the murdered schoolgirls.

The jurors were joined by 300 journalists on a day where they were shown the various sites the children had visited on their final Bank Holiday and attended the rides which they had experienced. The park, which is usually shut over winter, was specially reopened to allow the jurors to consider the final vacation moments of the two victims. The jurors spent 4 hours visiting snack food sales points, buying souvenirs and solemnly partaking of rides, with a number of jurors taking several turns on rides of “special evidential interest.”

The Sun’s headline “Chilling Silence of Death Ride” accompanied a picture of the twelve jurors suspended upside down on the famous Nemesis attraction, pointing out the uncanny lack of other riders on a cold and wet November day when the park is closed. The Sun went on to speculate that the shadow of “child murdering psychopath Ian Huntley must surely be responsible for the lack of rosy cheeked children and contented parents” at the “family fountain of fun”

Other papers pointed out the “screams of terror” as the jurors visited the new “Spinball Whizzer” ride, which is due to open in 2004. “Although the ride was not open for the brutally murdered children’s final joyful visit with their parents, it is certain that they would have wished to try the ride out, had it been in operation. It was only fitting that the jurors experienced the thrill of the new ride so they could understand the pleasure that these children have been denied by their slaughter at the hands of evil, paedophile child-murderer Ian Huntley”

Further visits are also being planned to sites recently visited by the children. However some people have questioned whether such trips were necessary for the jury. This has been strongly rebutted by many papers, who claim that it is essential that jurors are allowed to fully understand the lives of the young children in order to assess their case. “Furthermore, it is essential to continue to provide the media with photo-opportunities to keep this vitally important case in the public eye,” claimed the Daily Mirror, whilst exhorting the court authorities to approve future visits to “Blackpool, Disneyland Europe and Mustique” as essential fact-finding missions.

However, eyebrows have been raised at the Daily Star offering competition winners coach trips to “Soham – Death.Town.” The paper promises “A luxury escorted coach trip to the major sites of death haunted by child-murderer Ian Huntley” as well as offering moments for “tearful reflections on innocence” at favourite playgrounds of local children. The tour also offers time for souvenir buying as well as the services of a professional photographer to provide mementos of the “lucky winners’ day of sombre reflection and joyful remembrance of the children’s lives”

In other news, Jessica Chapman and Holy Wells were reported to be still dead.

Author’s note: I am always amazed that people are amazed at the poor quality of Government ministers. You effectively have to choose someone from a group of no more than 300 narcissists who have no discernible talents apart from a massive ego.

Following on from the successful launch of his new, reduced size shadow cabinet, Michael Howard, the leader of the Conservatives, confirmed today that he had implemented a further reduction in the number of personnel to “one supremely talented individual – namely me”

Mr. Howard was explaining that the Tories were now in desperate need of “big-hitters” to represent their new polices, adding “And you don’t get much bigger than me. No Siree.” Mr. Howard continued by announcing his new team of Shadow Cabinet Members, starting with “Shadow Chancellor, me. Shadow Foreign Secretary, me. Shadow Home Secretary and Education Secretary, both me. Shadow blaa-blaa-blaa every other bloody secretary, me, me and bloody well me”

Mr. Howard continued to announce several other new appointments including “Shadow Black Rod, me in tights. Shadow Speaker of the House of Commons, me with a Scottish accent and Shadow Lord Chief Justice – does that one still exist? Anyway, me in horsehair wig and lovely, lovely Ermine. Does this shade of red suit my eyes?” He also confirmed that he would be personally pushing forward a “middle of the road” policy by simultaneously adopting a Europhile and Eurosceptic agenda as well as representing both the liberal and conservative wings of the party.

One concession to ministerial numbers was made by Mr. Howard, however, when during the press conference he introduced his new Shadow Cabinet partner, a ventriloquist’s dummy called Margaret. Margaret would fulfill duties on behalf Mr. Howard at events he couldn’t attend “such as 1922 committee meetings, constituency functions and anything North of Kensington.” It was also confirmed that Margaret would provide a “public face” for the Conservatives, including attending all press interviews, “especially those with Jeremy Paxman.”

On being questioned about the fate of his former colleagues, Mr. Howard, who promised to “put the shadow back into the Shadow Cabinet”, conceded that there was a “wealth of talent” available to him and assured his fellow MP’s that he would consult with them all and take full account of their views “even though they are a bunch of hopeless losers who couldn’t win an election even if they were the only candidate and the only voter. And I’ll need a good laugh every so often, so I’ll make sure I keep Oliver Letwin’s number close to hand.” He also assured former cabinet members that he would not rake over past conflicts or hold grudges “even against that disloyal slapper May, that mad homunculus Widdecombe or that fat French-fucker Clark.”

Mr. Howard also implored the party to reach out to potential candidates assuring them that “there is a place for everyone in the new inclusive Conservatives – even limp wristed nancy-boys, ex-criminals and bogus asylum seekers. Just as long as they have pots of cash to donate to our fighting fund and don’t expect an invitation to the annual Christmas Dance at the Carlton Club. Just look at Michael Ashcroft and Greg Dyke. I mean we even had that loathsome proletarian Jim Davidson at our last conference”

As Mr. Howard prepared for his first Prime Minister’s question time by practicing a multiplicity of accents as well as demonstrating his ventriloquism skills with his new Shadow Cabinet partner, he assured fellow Tories that the party was in safe hands. “After all,” he quipped “We’ve spent the last three years being run by one wooden top with a speech impediment, so this has got to be an improvement”

Author’s note: I was rather pleased with this. But then a reader declared it “funny and original. Unfortunately the parts that are funny aren’t original and the parts that are original aren’t funny”. A number of other readers then laid in, comparing it to an obscure Not the Nine O’Clock News sketch. Bastards.

Jeb Bush, the Governor of Texas, announced plans today to introduce new “post birth termination procedures” for “criminals, communists, homosexuals and any other evil doers who pollute our glorious state”

The plans follow on from the controversial decision to execute Paul Hill the anti-abortion protestor who shot two people dead at an abortion clinic in 1994. Mr Bush has now issued a statement explaining that Mr. Hill’s death was not an “execution” but was in fact a new clinical procedure which was being introduced to deal with “unwanted post-pregnancy embryos.” Mr Bush declined to refer to these as “adults” or “human beings” because “although they bear a superficial resemblance to human beings, they are actually scum sucking criminals with no more right to live on God’s green Earth than a rabid rat”

The introduction of the new policy of “very late stage abortion” has already caused controversy and confusion. Anti-abortion group, “God loves everyone* (*some exceptions apply)”, has issued two statements simultaneously condemning the practice of abortion but welcoming the new “life termination procedures” for criminals. Conversely, Karen Hart, press officer for the pro-choice group “Freedom to Fuck”, issued a statement welcoming the extension of abortion rights but vigorously condemning the use of the death penalty. As the two bitterly opposed groups found themselves vigorously agreeing and disagreeing with one another, an “unutterably satisfied” Mr Bush was able to declare the new policy a success and announce the further changes to abortion laws.

Under these changes, the state of Texas will ban early-stage abortions but introduce a new practice of “pre-emptive execution”. By using the “finest information analysis money can buy” state officials will analyse the demographics of all pregnant women, identify those who are bearing likely criminals and execute the “proto-criminals” before they can do any harm. Although, the precise definitions still have to be finalised, Mr. Bush thought it likely that pregnant women who were “black, unemployed or showed a worrying tendency to vote Democrat” were likely to find their “undoubted criminal offspring” executed. Once again, Mr Bush found his policy being simultaneously damned and applauded. A particularly bemused anti-abortion spokesman Reverend Kevin Buffle found himself condemning Mr Bush as a “child murdering son of Satan” whilst praising his “God like beneficence for his support for the death penalty”

Following on from the success of these new policies in wrong-footing his opponents, it is believed that Mr Bush is likely to issue several more laws concerning new clinical procedures. Plans have been mooted for Police officers to be reclassified as medical personnel, with nightsticks, electronic stun guns and firearms to be considered as surgical instruments. Police brutality will now be termed “post-surgical trauma” and unlimited incarceration without trial will be permitted under new-legislation reclassifying prisons as hospitals. The policy would also have a “wholly co-incidental” affect of immediately doubling Texas’ spending on healthcare, whilst simultaneously reducing its crime rate to “approximately 0”

Mr. Bush has denied that these plans are designed to pander to extreme right wing voters, whilst appearing to meet liberal voters’ demands, explaining that anyone who claimed they were would find themselves suddenly in urgent need of medical attention from “the State Medical Commissioner, Sergeant “Rocky” Rockson, and his team of 300 pound surgical assistants”

Author’s note: Lucy Kellaway is now a teacher.

The British Government has confirmed today that after the successful trial of its “avoiding difficult questions by bursting into song” strategy it will now be implementing a totally new form of musical democracy.

At the launch of the new initiative, Alastair Campbell the new Government Songsperson, accompanied by several members of the Civil Service press team in a close harmony barbershop quartet answered questions about whether he would be staying in his job by singing “I will survive.” He then referred to the questioner, Lucy Kellaway of the Financial Times as a “Devil Woman, with evil on her mind”

As the surprised looking press pack continued to be serenaded by a medley of popular hits, Mr Campbell was able to confirm that he was confident the Prime Minister would remain in his job until he was 64, that Love would not tear him and Gordon Brown apart and that Alastair Darling’s new transport policy was “Bootylicious”

Under the new form of democracy, debates and questions in the Houses of Parliament can only by sung and that questioners deemed to be “out of tune, of indifferent tempo or generally a bit rubbish” by the “wholly impartial” speaker of the House will be ruled out of order. Within the Commons, show tunes and popular music will be acceptable whereas within the Lords only opera or any of the works of Richard Wagner will be approved.

The Conservatives have issued a furious rebuttal of the Government’s new policy, however. Oliver Letwin, the Shadow Home Secretary, has claimed the Government is terrified of Iain Duncan Smith’s “deep and gravelly baritone, which is ideal for poetry and prose recitals. He is especially good at soliloquies.” However, Labour has responded by claiming that the Conservatives are only complaining because “none of their front bench can hold a tune and Michael Howard sounds like a bloody fishwife being assaulted by a particularly noisy dolphin”

The Liberal Democrats have already tabled an amendment to the new laws demanding that all questions must also accompanied by a “relevant and appropriate dance.” The leader of the Liberal Democrats, Charles Kennedy, is well known as a keen ballroom dancer and possesses every Michael Flatley video, and the director’s cut DVD of Riverdance. Mr. Kennedy demonstrated the new amendment by deftly pirouetting across the Speaker’s chair and then dancing a hornpipe to illustrate the Government’s lack of funding for the Royal Navy.

Independent MP Derek Gadd, a member of the Oswestry Gogol Absurdist Theatre, dressed as a hippopotamus disguised as Batman, to illustrate the plight of residents beneath the Heathrow flight path also tabled a further amendment, but unfortunately ran out of time before Mr. Blair could guess the second word, third syllable that Mr Gadd was frantically miming.

Author’s note: There were the usual levels of elevated hysteria about paedophiles lurking on every corner. I started to write this – but as is obvious from the final line, never finished it.

The Police confirmed today that they were finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the tide of youthful perverts luring older men into chat rooms and grooming them for illicit liaisons, foreign holidays and unlimited mobile phone top up vouchers.

The Brains Trust spoke to Karen Hart, a twelve-year-old schoolgirl from Hampton who regularly poses as a bored 32 year old housewife. Miss Hart explained that she had used internet chat-rooms to secure several luxury trips abroad. Her technique was to target older men “preferably geeky losers with an interest in Star Wars or Lord of the Rings and an IQ of around 35” and, using her pseudonym Oldlita, to engage them in conversation, highlighting her loneliness, sexual frustration and keenness on speaking Klingon. “I learned that ‘Gruddle-al Thurg’ means ‘Take me you bespectacled, bearded love God’ and that’s usually enough to get them hooked,” she explained

At this point, Miss Hart arranges to run away together to a suitable foreign destination. “I took the last one to Mustique. I told him they were holding a Star Trek convention, with a guest appearance by Leonard Nimoy and a full mock up of the deck of the Enterprise. You couldn’t get him there quick enough, although having to travel with someone dressed from head to toe as ‘The Salt Vampire of M-113’ was a bit embarrassing.”

According to Miss Hart, most of her victims are usually too excited at talking to a girl for the first time to become too suspicious about her real age. However, on arrival at her chosen destination she reveals her true age and how she may have inadvertently let slip to the News of the World that she may be travelling abroad with an older man who was “gagging for it.” “When I tell them I’m twelve, they can’t get rid of me quick enough,” said Miss Hart. “They usually pay me a load of cash to leave them alone and that gives me some decent spending money for the holiday. And the last three committed suicide, too, which means I could cash in their airline tickets. Fantastic”

Derek Gadd, 56 year old author of the Lonely Pervert travel guides, was outraged by the tactics of the twelve year olds. “It’s getting so you can’t trust anyone nowadays,” he fulminated. “My internet guides show the best places for the older single man to get a bit of nookie, especially with younger ladies. For example, my Russian Brides supplement was massively successful and topped the Solihull most popular website list for several days. But how on Earth can a man be confident that he’s not going to end up on the front page of the Sunday Tabloids if these brazen harlots are luring the lonely and celibate with the promise of unlimited sex and free science fiction festivals?

I’ve run out of words. Help

Author’s note. There was a fatal railway crash. Everybody overreacted.

The Government today confirmed that it would be prosecuting those responsible for the recent fatal crash involving a public service vehicle and would be immediately implementing a set closures, inspections and repairs which is likely to lead to Britain facing major disruption to travel as the whole country is checked for defective lights, cracks and unsafe junctions.

The crash, which occurred on the M56 motorway, involved several cars and a bus. Whilst evidence is still sketchy, there is speculation that the crash was caused by a break or “pothole” in the surface of the piece of track the vehicle was travelling on. Despite a recent inspection, and repairs using the latest bitumen-gravel complex applied using state of the art blowtorch technology, tiny cracks still formed, eventually merging to produce the “pothole”. The crash occurred when a vehicle hit the pothole at speed damaging the front wheel’s protective rubber casing, causing the driver to brake suddenly. Unfortunately his old model car had not been fitted with the latest “ABS” braking system which, combined with the drivers inexperience caused it to slide sideways into the central reservation resulting in the death of seven travellers.

The deaths caused outrage in the national media leading to calls for the resignation of Tony Blair, Alistair Darling and the Michelin Man. The government promised a measured and thoughtful response with no knee jerk reactions and immediately announced that the entire national road network will be shutdown as teams of experts scour every kilometre the length and breadth of Britain repairing similar faults. Pressure is also mounting for the recall of older, substandard vehicles from daily use as previous investigations have revealed that while an experienced driver in an modern vehicle can be regarded as reasonably safe many older cars and younger drivers are, potentially, lethal.

According to a Government spokesman, the most likely causes of the crash are sabotage, badly trained maintenance operatives and the fact that it was “a bit foggy” when the accident occurred. However, the Police have also been interviewing the driver of the vehicle, Mr. Derek Gadd of Oswestry. Witnesses who observed Mr. Gadd shortly before the crash claimed that he appeared to conducting an animated conversation on his mobile ‘phone, whilst selecting a cassette and attempting to unwrap a Nuttall’s Mintoe. Mr. Gadd has reportedly claimed that he was fully in control of the vehicle and the crash was probably caused by “evil Al Qaeda saboteurs or his ex-wife Carol.”

The Government however is pressing ahead with further safety measures by nationalising all road maintenance companies and private motor vehicles. It is expected to go on to announce legislation taking all bicycles, skateboards and horses into public ownership. When asked whether such measures would really improve road safety, Alastair Darling the Transport Minister commented, “I certainly bloody hope so. These dangerous drivers should have more consideration for the victims and their families, I mean there are hundreds of us stuck here in this bloody traffic jam”.

Author’s note: Iain Duncan Smith continued to have absolutely no impact on eith the Tories, the government or the media

An Englishman has made a miraculous recovery from “the deepest coma the world has known”. Iain Duncan Smith, has laid asleep on the front benches of the House of Commons for almost twenty years, but has recently awakened and is having to contend with a totally changed world.

Mr Duncan Smith fell into the coma after an accident involving his party leader and maternal icon, Margaret Thatcher. After Mrs. Thatcher’s reign came to a sudden and brutal close, Mr. Duncan Smith was unable to accept the reality of the end and fell into a deep sleep.

From this point, Mr. Duncan Smith spent the majority of his time slumbering gently on a sunny spot on the front benches. However, as a somnambulant who also talks in his sleep, Mr. Dunacn Smith was able to continue with his career as a political no-hoper, with no noticeable difference to his prospects.

Mr. Dunacn Smith also exhibited a rare form of contagious narcolepsy, whereby anyone to whom he spoke immediately fell into a deep sleep as well. This decimated the Tory front bench leaving only a collection of slumbering spokespersons, who would occasionally cry out during nightmares about European superstates, losing the Pound and hordes of immigrant darkies. Only a very few Tories were able to escape the malign affects of Mr. Duncan Smith’s affliction including Ken Clark who had become deaf after years of listening to Jazz and Michael Heseltine who has never listened to anyone else in his life and was thus unaware that Mr. Duncan Smith was talking to him.

The miraculous recovery of Mr. Duncan Smith is thought to have come about after extreme shock therapy, whereby he was confronted with a Gallup poll that indicated that the Tories might win the next election, provided no one else enters. After a series of rapid jolts, Mr. Duncan Smith was seen to leap to his feet during Prime Minister’s question time and demand an apology from the Prime Minister.

“If Mr. Major wishes to lead this party into Europe, he will find many in his party will not follow,” he bellowed, before looking confusedly round the chamber. After a hasty briefing from a concerned onlooker, Mr Duncan Smith continued, demanding an apology from the Prime Minister for lying about briefing him on a report on Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction. “How could he have briefed me, I was sound asleep? Anyway, are you sure you’re the Prime Minister, sonny? You look a bit young to me.”

Doctors predict that Mr. Duncan Smith will remain severely disabled for the rest of his career. “He will continue to be lame for the remaining part of his life,” explained top neuro-surgeon Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush. “It is also likely that he will not enjoy a high quality of life. Still, with proper care and sympathy from the Government he can expect to last a couple more years before finally being laid to rest.”

Author’s note: I was obviously becoming obsessed with internet porn

Bachelors across the globe celebrated yesterday as scientists at CERN announced the impending arrival of ‘The Grid’ – the next generation in computer networking – to be brought on-line in two weeks.

The Brains Trust spoke to top-level CERN scientist Dr Jonathan Prince Galvo. “The Grid is a revolution in the way we think about computer networking,” he explained excitedly, as he rapidly drew diagrams of concentric circles on his electronic digital display whiteboard. “The grid will take number crunching away from the home computer, offering remote processing power, applications and data storage on demand. Soon, every man will be able to utilise the power of five supercomputers from the comfort of his own home. Just imagine what that could do? Every aspect of your household could be controlled from your bedroom, leaving a man a lot more time to engage in his favourite hobbies,” he continued, now rubbing his hands rapidly up and down front of his white coat.

“The Grid will have research applications as well. Analysing those terabits of particle accelerator data, for one. Decoding genomes, solving inter-related multi-variable problems – piece of cake! But the real question is: why would anyone ever choose to do that when you can spend 24 hours a day watching utterly debased porn and viewing the new 3D-interactive ‘El Burro Farmyard Gangbang’ flick, with full access rotation and variable zoom? It’s fantastic! It really is!”

The government have thus far declined to comment on the development, though an inside source reluctantly revealed that they have dispatched a team of specialists to look into the matter.

“Completely off the record,” she told us, “the team went to look at a prototype version of the Grid, to study the effects of this explicit and deviant imagery being made anonymously available … They were supposed to report back on Thursday, but they’ve locked themselves in the computer centre and won’t come out. We’re getting quite worried … Some goats have vanished too.”

A number of pornographic production companies are organising new releases – so to speak – in anticipation of the projected demand: ‘Sim Cameraman: Blue Movie’, is due for release exclusively to the Grid in late September, and the Grid version of ‘Buffy the Vampire Layer’, is expected to contain many exclusive features, including a ‘Vampire ResErection’ mode and the infamous ‘Buffy gets staked’ scene that was banned from the original DVD release.

The Grid’s designers have already agreed to set aside 25% of the vast system resources for the “storage, development and promulgation” of porn. Dr. Galvo, however, felt that this may not suffice as demand is expected to grow rapidly, particularly when suitable hardware add-ons for the Grid become available “just as soon as we’ve unstuck the pages in the instruction manual.”

Author’s note: A rather black take on a feel good story.

Following on from the death of the two Iranian twins joined at the head, the worlds media has noticed an upturn in interest for related stories and is now calling for much greater emphasis on “deformities, mutations and other unusual abnormalities”

The search for more people with deformities follows on from the “wholly unexpected” death of the two twins who were undergoing a lengthy and complex operation to separate them. As the operation progressed, the headlines have moved from “Twins joy at life-saving op” to “World mourns tragic twins” enabling extensive longevity of the story and ensuring maximum sales of memorial editions of papers. This has led editors to call for more stories involving people with unusual afflictions. “Let’s face it,” claimed Andy Coulson, Editor of the News of the World. “Malaria and Cholera are just so dull and easy to cure without any high risk, edge of the seat surgery. What the world wants to see is plucky victims with weird medical conditions, fighting against the odds to have complex operations, preferably with lots of white suited surgeons, scientific sounding names and expensive looking machines.”

Speaking on behalf of the Raffles Hospital and Hotel Chain in Singapore, spokesman Dr Loo Choon Yong, justified the massive media coverage of the operation. He explained that it was important to provide “sensitive and insightful news coverage of an important health issue of direct interest to all people who find themselves joined at the head.” Dr. Loo added that the coverage was in no way meant to support his own career or improve the status of Singaporean hospitals and he was confident that Singapore would become a centre of excellence for such operations in the future, especially now that he had signed exclusive marketing rights with News International. He also emphasised that such operations would be key for pushing forward research and education in modern surgical techniques. “We have already assembled some further patients for the new Fox series ‘Emergency 999 special – Freaks in Surgery.’ We’ve got a baby boy with transparent skin, a woman with all over body hair and an African pigmy with three penises. Lucky devil. They will all be on display in glass walled rooms and we are planning on providing educational access to them for interested scholars, with special family rates and big discounts for coach parties”

It does appear that the upturn in interest has had an affect on other areas, with a number of media personalities now developing unusual malignancies to make themselves more interesting. Robbie Williams and Natalie Appleton have announced that they are Siamese twins who are struggling to cope with a career threatening lack of talent and must now undergo surgery to separate their egos. Kate from Big Brother has announced that she is suffering from a chronic shortage of celebrity party invitations and will be seeking treatment for “dangerously low charisma” and Chris Evans has also announced to a shocked world that he will be undergoing surgery to remove his wife after discovering that her youth had developed a tragic wasting disease and is now over 16.”

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, denied that the Government would be taking advantage of the current interest in deformities, but did confirm that his official spokesman will now be known as “the man with two faces.”